Peter's Week

Monday

“Congratulations, Peter – you’ve been promoted!”

Peter nearly dropped the phone in surprise. He’d only been working for the company for a couple of years – everyone else had been working there far longer.

“Th-thankyou,” he stammered. “But would this mean moving?”

“Not at all!” came the cheerful voice on the other end. “You’ll perform your new duties from your current office.”

“Excellent,” said Peter, relieved. “What’s my new position?”

“Senior Deputy Personnel Assistant Officer,” said the voice.

“And – sorry to ask this, but – the money …?”

“Same wage,” said the voice. “Added responsibilities are the only bonus.”

Peter frowned, trying to work out how more-work-for-the-same-money was a bonus.

“You know,” said the voice encouragingly. “CV fodder and all that. And there’s only one new responsibility, too.”

“Which is?”

“Conducting the interview for your current job’s replacement, of course!”

The phone was put down.

Some office research was all it took for Peter to realise that the company merely wanted a new employee without having to pay anyone extra.

-10001-

Tuesday

“So,” asked Peter. “Where did you work last?”

“A large cardboard box factory,” said Norman Pierce.

“Large enough for me to have heard of it?” wondered Peter aloud.

“No, you misunderstand,” said Norman. “It made large boxes. The factory itself was very small.”

“Right.”

“Only me, in fact.”

“Could I have a look at your references …?”

Norman Pierce handed over the file. Peter glanced at the pages inside.

“Well, Mr Pierce, it seems that this one’s from you,” he said. “And THIS one … is ALSO from you.”

“Like I said. Just me, on my own.”

“Who employed you?”

“I was self-employed.”

“Okay … Did you earn much money with this company?”

“None.”

“I see.”

“Do you want a cardboard box?”

-10001-

“What do you think you’d bring to this job?” asked Peter.

“Humour, mostly,” said the Great Bonzo. “And a little bit of magic.”

“I see.” Peter checked the file. “Reasons for leaving your last job?”

“Failed a police check,” said the Great Bonzo. “Wasn’t allowed to work with kids.”

“I fear to ask,” said Peter, “But have you got your police check with you?”

The Great Bonzo handed over the file.

“Pig rustling?!”

“Needed a pig for my act.”

“What act?”

“Sawing a pig in half.”

“Did it work?”

“It was partially successful.” The Great Bonzo paused. “Have you got any kids you need entertaining? They’d have to be over eighteen, mind.”

-10001-

“Why did you apply for the job?” asked Peter.

“I want a pony,” said Jenny Francis.

“Okay.”

“And a Barbie doll.”

“Right.” Peter checked her forms. “Reasons for leaving your last job?”

“THEY BROKE FRIENDS!” wailed Jenny.

“Pardon?”

“Even though we said the Make Friends Make Friends poem.”

“What?”

“But it’s alright. They’ll have caught the flu by now. They won’t be recovering.”

Peter thought it worth going back to the basics.

“Let’s start with something simpler,” he said. “Age?”

“Thirty-eight,” said Jenny. “And three-quarters.”

-10001-

“Reasons for leaving your last job?” asked Peter.

“Haven’t,” said Gregory Jones.

“You haven’t?”

“Nah, still working in Spar,” he said. “I’ll give it up when I get this job, though.” He paused. “Sorry – IF I get this job.” He winked at Peter.

“May I see your references?”

Greg handed over the file.

“Actually,” said Peter, “These seem quite professional. Mind if I contact these people?”

“Not at all.”

“So, Phil Hughes is your current boss …”

“That’s right.”

“And your character reference - Laoren … Zen-wee?”

“Zhenhui,” said Greg. “She’s my housemate.” He chortled. “And anything she tells you isn’t true! Except about me having twenty-eight pints in one night.” He winked again.

“We’ll get back to you,” said Peter.

-10001-

“Zoe Lucas,” read Peter. “Nice name.”

“I like it!” said Zoe Lucas. “Nice and unusual. You don’t get many Zoes. Apart from the obvious.”
“Pardon my ignorance,” said Peter. “Who’s the obvious?”

“Zoe Karbonopsina, fourth wife to Byzantine emperor Leo the Fourth,” she said.

“I see.”

“And the girl who sang Sunshine on a Rainy Day.”

“Of course.”

“She’s done a lot of damage to the brand.”

“Reasons for leaving your last job?” asked Peter.

“Unpredictable hours didn’t agree with me,” said Zoe. “Ironic, really.”

“Why is that ironic?”

“It isn’t, really. Just like to confirm whether potential colleagues know what the word means.”

“A rhetorical device based on an incongruity between what is said and what is understood,” said Peter.

Zoe grinned. “So far, on my list of worthwhile people, you’re winning.”

“I remain unbiased,” said Peter.

“Damn.” Zoe was still grinning.

-10001-

Wednesday

“Alright, Peter, what have you got for me?” asked Derek Davies, one of Mr Emery’s infamous matching-initialled executives.

“The last question on the form asked them to write a bit about themselves,” said Peter. “Thought you’d like to see them.”

Norman Pierce
“I was born in 1943. I have lived in Britain for most of my life, but I lived abroad between 1964 and 1970 and also between 1974 and 1979, as a protest to the Labour party being in government during those years. I considered moving again in 1997 but I had inexplicably run out of money. I would like this job to save up and move once again, as even though this new fellow could secure a Conservative government at last, he seems to be a woolly gaylord lefty to me.”

The Great Bonzo
“Pick a number! Any number! Now add 17! Now take away your original number! You’re thinking of 17! Just a bit of fun! Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, it was hardly going to get to the other side if it didn’t, was it? What’s worse than finding a maggot in your apple? A runny nose! Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No? That’s because they paint their toenails red.”

Jenny Francis
“I’m lovely and bubbly and lots of fun to have around and I work very hard but I get tired quickly but it doesn’t matter because I take regular naps and don’t worry because I’ll stay late and do more work and sometimes come in on the weekends if that’s allowed and I’ll even come in if I’ve got a headache or a bad tummy or something and work then even though mummy says I shouldn’t because I might give it to someone else but I think you can only pass on a tummy ache if you rub tummies with someone and I’d never do that because it’s disgusting.”

Gregory Jones
“I’m a fun loving twenty-something who's eagre to learn and always up for a laugh. I’m reliable and easy to get on with, and I work well in a team. I have three years’ experience working in Spar, and although that’s not relevant to this job, I feel that I’ve learned a lot of valuable skills, such as punctuality. I’m a good mathematician and I’m learning to play the trumpet.”

Zoe Lucas
“I have three years’ experience as a police officer. Learnt a lot, especially about paperwork. As much fun as the paperwork was, I found the whole criminal-catching thing a bit dull, so I thought I’d focus wholly on an office job. I like long walks on beaches. And by ‘long walks’, I mean that I require camping equipment. I’m a big fan of the works of Marquis de Condorcet, particularly his views on liberalism and equal rights and such. I’m never sure what to write in this bit.”

“I see,” said Derek Davies. “And what are your feelings thus far?”

“I think we ought to discount the Great Bonzo and Jenny Francis immediately,” said Peter. “And possibly consider arranging counselling for them.”

-10001-

Thursday

“It’s a simple exercise,” said Peter. “Designed to test your abilities to work as a team.”

Norman, Bonzo, Jenny, Greg and Zoe surveyed the assault course with trepidation.

“If you put on the padding …” started Peter.

“I can’t do it,” said Jenny. “I’ve got a note.” She put on a big show of patting all her pockets. “I’ve got it somewhere. It might be in my bag.” She left the room. After a few minutes, Peter realised she wasn’t coming back.

“This is how it works,” said Peter. “You take it in turn to complete the course. The three of you not running the course must encourage the one who is. Completing the course isn’t essential – I just want an idea of teamwork.”

-10001-

“Go, Norman!” called Zoe. “You can do it! Come on!”

“I’d prefer ‘Mr Pierce’,” said Norman stiffly. His foot was caught in a tire. “This is a silly exercise. Did that fellow say it was optional?”

“He did, yes,” said Greg slyly. “You might as well stop now.”

“You’re doing so well, though!” lied Zoe. “Try finishing this bit at least.”

“My dog has no nose …” said the Great Bonzo.

-10001-

“Go Bonzo! It’s your birthday!” sang Greg and Zoe in unison.

“I don’t like this,” said Bonzo in a small voice, walking over a narrow bench. “I feel like everyone’s watching me.”

“Think of it as a party trick!” said Zoe. “Like in your children’s parties.”

“Ah, well, yes,” said Bonzo. “Thing is, I never did any. Rehearsed them. Never got to try one.”

He fell from the bench. Greg laughed. Bonzo cried. Greg felt bad. Bonzo left. Everyone looked at Greg.

“Sorry.”

-10001-

Greg navigated the tyres easily, and managed to cross the bench with little effort, but he had trouble getting through the skipping rope web.

“Try getting your left hand-“ started Zoe.

“Don’t help me!” shouted Greg. “I can do this.”

He moved his leg, as though intentionally leaving his left hand where it was. He tripped, facing upside-down.

“Look at yourself, man,” said Norman. “You’re making a fool of yourself. Listen to the girl.”

Zoe bit her tounge.

“I can’t get my arm through …”

“Skip the web, then,” said Zoe. “You don’t have to do them all anyway.”

Greg frowned, and concentrated. He untangled his leg, and moved his hand. He pushed the upper ropes to one side, and crossed through. His foot was momentarily trapped, but he gave a big tug, and got out.

“Well done,” said Zoe. “And with no encouragement whatsoever!”

-10001-

“Don’t know if I can do this!” said Zoe, a big smile on her face.

“Course you can,” said Greg. “The tyres are easy.”

Zoe stood into the tyres, and then ran to one side, clearing them with little difficulty.

“See?” said Greg, but less enthusiastically.

Zoe cleared the bench with ease as well, and stopped at the web.

“This one looks hard,” she said. “Mr Pierce? Any advice?”

Mr Pierce looked up from his newspaper.

“The gap at the side’s biggest,” he said. “You’ll get through easily, little slip of a thing like you.” He licked his lips. Peter shuddered.

Zoe struggled through the web, getting caught several times.

“Not as easy as it looks, is it?” called Greg. He looked over at Peter. “How long did I take to do that bit?”

Peter checked his sheet.

“Thirty-four seconds.”

“Ah,” said Greg. “You’ve taken longer than that already. And I paused in the middle.”

“Yes,” said Zoe. “Thanks, Greg.”

She finally managed to get through to the other side.

“I win, right?” said Greg. “I was fastest.”

“I suppose you were,” said Peter. “Congratulations, Greg.” His voice was flat and expressionless. “You win.”

-10001-

Friday

“Welcome to the team, Jenny,” said Sarah, greeting the new girl.

“Umm,” she said. “I’m Zoe.”

“Sorry.”

“How’s the new job treating you, Pete?” asked Angharad. “How does it feel to be above us?”

“He offered you all the job first, didn’t he?” said Peter.

A chorus of yes-es.

“You made a good choice,” said Dave. “I’ve always felt the team wasn’t girly enough.”

“Anyway,” said Angharad. “Five people – enough to answer the question once and for all, without the possibility of a tie.”

“What question?” asked Zoe.

“Best local superhero – Lunar Mist or Sunset?”

“Abstain,” said Peter.

“You can’t abstain!” said Angharad. “It ruins the system.”

“Lunar Mist,” said Zoe. “Without a doubt.”

“You can’t be serious,” said Angharad. “I was relying on you for girl power. I say Sunset.”

“Me too,” said Dave. “She’s less of an attention-seeker.”

“I vote for Lunar Mist,” said Sarah. “Since I met him.”

“See, Pete?” said Angharad. “You have to vote. You’re the tie-breaker.”

Peter sighed. “It’s got to be Sunset, then,” he said.

“Good choice,” said Angharad.

“You’re so wrong,” said Sarah.

Zoe sat back and smiled, already fond of her new office.