Wednesday 31 August 2011

Scribblers: The Wedding Photos

Look what I've figured out how to do! Looks like it took AGES - in fact only took about five hours from sketch to screen. Also. Certain individuals are catching up with my post count, so naturally, this needs addressing!

(Dialogue/background = Super subject to change! This is kind of a first draft. Also, the backgrounds totally aren't mine! (The house/gravel/meteors are mine, natch) Kudos to the wonders of Google Image search. There's probably protocol for this kind of thing, but hey ho, it needed a background and I couldn't be bothered to do one myself. I love Photoshop! Ahem.)




Saturday 20 August 2011

Aadita's Diary

The Scribblers are coming.

That should be exciting. The highlight of the school. Most of them are celebrating. The celebrity visit.

It reminds me of the Royal Wedding. Our entire street was decked out in Union Jacks - they'd painted the pavement red, blue and white. And my parents insisted we stay inside and watch old videos. They sent a letter to my school making sure I was exempt from celebrating "that joke", as they called it. And the teachers didn't understand, and the other kids thought I was weird.

It's like that now. The rest of them are getting the welcome banners ready. And I'm sure this is the beginning of the end.

I love this school. But it started when Rupert Campbell arrived. He wouldn't talk to anyone, he was so grumpy all the time. But then he talked to me. I have no idea why he trusted me, but he filled me in.

Six classes. One for each Scribbler.

Six tutors. Each with powers suspiciously similar to the Scribblers'. Each one teaching classes with similar powers.

I can use my powers to affect people's minds. So can every other kid in my class. I'm the top of my class. Everyone knows it. I've been allowed to choose a nickname - I'm Back-up. I've been allowed in the underground corridors far more often than anyone else. They're not just teaching me. They're preparing me.

I think that's why Rupert came to me first. But it's not just us - there's Beth too. She's been such a good friend to me at this place. I had to tell her. Rupert agreed. So that's us. Three of us against the conspiracy.

We've got our eyes on a few others. There's Zhou, the Chinese kid. I'm not allowed to see him. They say it's because of my powers, but I think he knows something, and it could compromise them all.

There's Rhian and Mike. I had them down as sheep, like the rest of them. Rhian didn't speak, Mike's Mr Popular. But since we learned the Scribblers are coming, Mike's stuck to her like glue. She's talking more than ever. And no-one believes me, but one night, I saw Mike down in the underground corridors - and he had her teddy bear with her. That's earth-shattering.

Everyone knows there's something up with that bear. It's not just a comfort blanket. I heard her talking once. I imagined she'd sound like a simpleton, but she's hard. She's confident and knows exactly what she's doing. Why would someone like that still cling to a bear like it's part of her?

Rupert thinks the bear does something to her powers. Boosts them, or something. Beth reckons there's a machine inside the bear that hides her - from people like Finesse.

I think they're both wrong. I think there's information in that bear. Maps? Stats? Letters? Something. Hidden in that stuffing is something incredibly valuable. And I think Mike knows what it is.

Whatever happens when the Scribblers come, I don't think the school will ever be the same again. Rupert doesn't think there'll even be a school. He can't wait - he's got a whole life waiting for him back home. Beth's torn, but she's got her friends and family too.

I don't think I could bear it without this place. I can't go back now. Not after this. I know what I'd do.

We'd go underground. Me, Rupert and Beth. Zhou if we can get him. Maybe Mike and Rhian. Six of us. Top of each class - the number one students. Whatever this place is, it's not just a school. They're preparing for something. Good or evil? In any case, they need us. Which means we have to cut loose.

This will be my last diary entry. I'm leaving the book here in case anyone finds it. Read through the old entries, and you'll learn everything you need to know about the school. Its pupils. Its teachers.

And its name. The name no-one even says out loud; the name that's removed from official documents.

The Monastery.

Monday 15 August 2011

Scribblers: The Crater

Scribblers
"The Crater"

by Steffan Alun

1. EXT. GAOLHOUSE ROCK - Day 5. 0800

A rocky island, with a large, intimidating PRISON on it. Drizzly and horrid.

CUT TO:

2. INT. PRISON CELL - Day 5. 0800

A spacious cell, bookshelves all around. By a desk, a WOMAN - twenties, short, wavy brown hair, orange prison gear - reads a tome. The door opens, and in walks HANK the guard with a plate of good food. Hello, Hank.

HANK
Dinner for you.

WOMAN
Yeah, thanks. Just put it down on the side.

Hank walks around, and the woman turns to stare at him intensely. Hank freezes.

HANK
Um ...

WOMAN
Don't flatter yourself, Hank. I'm just wondering whether you remembered cutlery.

HANK
I'll see what I can do.

WOMAN
Give me the book.

HANK
I'm sorry?

WOMAN
Quickly, now, I'm reading.

Slow and uncertain, Hank removes a small book from his pocket.

HANK
It's the one you asked for.

WOMAN
Obviously.

She takes the book.

CUT TO:

3. INT. PRISON CORRIDOR - Day 5. 0801

FINESSE and SHIFT walk confidently through the corridor.

SHIFT
I bet you this goes wrong.

FINESSE
Silence. I won't have negativity for my Dangerous Plan.

SHIFT
No, I'm all for it. I just think it'll backfire. Not in a bad way.

FINESSE
Right.

HANK approaches from the other end.

FINESSE
Sir? We're looking for cell four-two-five.

Hank is horrified.

HANK
You can't!

SHIFT
We've got a pass. We're going to move the prisoner.

Hank clutches his chest.

HANK
Move her? Are you insane?

FINESSE
I'm not asking again. I hate feeder lines.

HANK
Turn right, walk until you get to the nice door.

He shakes his head, and walks on.

FINESSE
Nice to see she's made friends.

CUT TO:

4. INT. PRISON CELL - Day 4. 0802

The WOMAN is now eating her meal, the small book open in front of her. FINESSE and SHIFT enter.

WOMAN
Good morning, scribble women.

FINESSE
Morning.

WOMAN
No menfolk? I take it the news was true, then - they were blown up with half the city.

FINESSE
The city wasn't blown up. As you should know better than anyone.

WOMAN
If it didn't blow up, why can't anyone see it?

FINESSE
That's the thing. I think you can see it ...

She walks closer, intimidating.

FINESSE
... Medium.

CUT TO:

5. EXT. CRATER'S EDGE - Day 5. 0920

FINESSE and SHIFT stand overlooking the crater. MEDIUM is with them, handcuffed, still in her prison outfit.

FINESSE
What do you see, then?

Medium looks out over the crater, and we see her point-of-view -

- the city, still standing, hazy. People on the streets frozen mid-activity.

MEDIUM
It's there. The whole area's fine - just invisible. What a mess you've made! How did you manage it?

FINESSE
An incident with powers. A man who could overload other powers. We assume he hit Wraith.

MEDIUM
Seems reasonable.

FINESSE
So we need you to help us find him.

MEDIUM
Why on earth would I do that?

SHIFT
To help Wraith, maybe?

MEDIUM
Ha!

SHIFT
We met your friend Eraser a while back. She seemed really possessive of Lyric.

MEDIUM
Eraser's a psychopath. I have better things to occupy my time than nemeses and revenge.

FINESSE
Turning over a new leaf?

MEDIUM
My sentence has already been reduced. When I'm released, invisible streets would be an ideal retirement plan. Somewhere only I can see.

FINESSE
If you want to be released early, might I suggest you start by helping us solve this?

Medium frowns, looking down at her handcuffs.

MEDIUM
Two conditions - you take off the cuffs ...

FINESSE
No.

MEDIUM
Fine. Then I'll need awesome clothes.

CUT TO:

6. INT. PIT - MEDICAL BAY - Day 5. 0930

AMITY looking over THE MONK, who is now attached to tubes and an oxygen mask, covered in bandages.

AMITY
We'll fix you, I promise. Once we get Lyric back - he's good at anatomy. There's not a body part he couldn't produce.

She checks readouts from monitors.

AMITY
You don't have to worry. Finesse explained everything. Your powers and stuff - they're keeping you safe, aren't they?

The Monk's eyes look at her.

Pain.

AMITY
I can ... if you want, I can make the pain go away. Not for long - I don't want to cause any more damage, and you've ...
(beat)
You've lost part of your brain. I'm sorry. Do you want me to help? Do you want -

The Monk nods, his eyes shut tight.

AMITY
Okay. Yes.

The Monk takes her hand.

Squeezes.

CUT TO:

7. EXT. CRATER - Day 5. 1000

FINESSE is being led by MEDIUM through the empty streets. Medium is now wearing awesome clothes - a cool khaki jacket and brilliant jeans.

MEDIUM
Why are the people frozen?

FINESSE
Dreamwave's doing. She ...

MEDIUM
Who the hell is Dreamwave?

FINESSE
Founding member of Alternate Vertigo.

Medium stares at her.

FINESSE
You know - the indie superhero group from Cardiff? They saved the Prime Minister last year.

MEDIUM
That is the worst team name I've ever heard.

FINESSE
Whatever. She's keeping everyone frozen in place, dreaming that they're still going about their lives.

MEDIUM
What's the point in that?

FINESSE
To stop them going mad, maybe?

MEDIUM
Why the hell would they go mad?

FINESSE
Haven't you ever read Day of the Triffids?

MEDIUM
I don't read fiction. I see the endings coming a mile off.

FINESSE
Explains a lot.

MEDIUM
You're calling me stupid.

FINESSE
No. I'm saying maybe you'd understand people better if you read.

MEDIUM
I don't need to understand people. I can see what I need to.
(calling into the sky)
Like you, animal one. You think you can hide as a bat?

FINESSE
She's not hiding. She's helping. It's not all about you.

Medium's point-of-view - they've reached Battle Field, part of it still damaged from the explosion on Day 4.

MEDIUM
I turn my back for one minute. Who messed up the field?

FINESSE
We're at Battle Field already?

MEDIUM
I thought we'd take a short cut.

FINESSE
No you didn't. What have you seen?

Medium smiles.

MEDIUM
You really do understand people, then. Fine, I tip my hat to you.

She turns her head to the side, staring at nothing.

MEDIUM
An invisible city, and nobody's hidden as well as you.

Finesse in battle pose -

- an arm in the air and BAT SHIFT swoops down -

- becoming a GORILLA.

VOICE (OOV)
Calm down. It's me.

YŪREI fades into view.

The GORILLA becomes SHIFT.

SHIFT
Yūrei?

FINESSE
Not right! Not right at all! I should've felt your powers.

Yūrei lifts a PENDANT around her neck.

YŪREI
My latest acquisition. I can't stop you using my gift, but I can hide it.

She vanishes and reappears.

FINESSE
Okay. But why are you here?

YŪREI
This was my gaijin, wasn't it? I'm here to help.

CUT TO:

8. INT. PIT - MEDICAL BAY - Day 5. 1005

THE MONK now calm, in bed. AMITY enters.

AMITY
Hi, there. I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to leave you. Finesse just let me know that things are getting complicated.

She places a hand gently on his bandaged head.

AMITY
Most of our medic friends are on the crater somewhere, so I've had to call in a favour. You'll be in safe hands.

A WOMAN enters - late 20s, black, confident and smartly-dressed. Excellent glasses.

WOMAN
Hello, there, "Monk".

AMITY
I'll be back as soon as I can.
(to the woman)
Thanks.

Amity leaves.

The woman sits by the Monk's bed.

WOMAN
Okay, I can't stand silence, so I'm going to talk a lot. Close your eyes if you hate that idea. No? Good. Well, then. Let's get acquainted. My name is Rebecca Glass.

CUT TO:

9. EXT. COLAN TOWERS - Day 5. 1030

FINESSE, SHIFT, MEDIUM and YŪREI standing together, floating above the crater.

Medium's POV: A tall, dull skyscraper, ugly and ageing.

YŪREI
These are Colan Towers. We need to get to the top floor.

FINESSE
What's up there?

YŪREI
Henry Ball. An old colleague of mine. The only person I've ever met, Finesse aside, who could uncloak me.

MEDIUM
Excuse me!

YŪREI
You can see me. This man could make everyone see me. He could restore the city in an instant. But I need your help to find him.

Finesse hands Shift an INJECTION GUN.

FINESE
A boost of this will make him immune to Dreamwave's powers. Escort them up.
(to Yūrei)
An invisble building makes a good maze, and I can't be sure we can trust you. I'm staying here to make sure we're in control.

YŪREI
I will be as fast as I can.

Yūrei allows Medium to lead the way.

Finesse puts her hand subtly on Shift's elbow.

FINESSE
The building's too tall for me to feel the people at the very top. I won't be able to change you once you're up there, so don't go becoming flowers.

SHIFT
No problem. At least you'll be able to see us.

FINESSE
Yes - but with that pendant, I can only control Yūrei by sight. New rule - stick to her like glue.

SHIFT
Will do.

CUT TO:

10. INT. COLAN TOWERS. Day 5 - 1040.

MEDIUM leading SHIFT and YŪREI up invisible stairs - higher and higher above the crater. FINESSE can be seen floating in the distance.

YŪREI
(to Shift)
Who is this person?

SHIFT
Her name's Medium. She took a serum which gave her the power to see hidden things.

YŪREI
Invisible things?

SHIFT
Anything that's meant to be hidden, I think. Nobody's been able to test the limits. But she was chosen to be Wraith's nemesis.

YŪREI
She is as nothing to your Wraith.

SHIFT
Um, yes. She doesn't really get him, I don't think.

YŪREI
Few do.

MEDIUM
Okay, this door needs a code.

YŪREI
Show me the keypad.

Medium guides Yūrei's hand to the pad.

Yūrei slowly feels the unseen buttons.

Types in the code, hiding one hand with the other.

MEDIUM
Four five four nine A. Hiding it makes it easier to see, you know.

Yūrei looks at her with disinterest.

YŪREI
It matters not what you know. You limit yourself.

MEDIUM
And you are a liar. There is no Henry Ball.

SHIFT
What do you mean?

YŪREI
She lies. She wishes to spread doubt.

She walks through the inisible door.

SHIFT
You're good at hiding things, Yūrei. But for a second then, you panicked.

YŪREI
The Medium frightens me.

SHIFT
I don't think she does. I can read your body language. And she's right, isn't she?

Yūrei vanishes!

Shift becomes a BLOODHOUND.

Next to Medium's head, Yūrei's face appears.

YŪREI
(whispering)
Help me find it, and I will be indebted to you.

MEDIUM
(whispering)
Find what?

YŪREI
(whispering)
You are the Medium, and you would know.

Medium smiles.

Medium POV: A boring grey office, an ugly painting of a boring grey man on the wall. The bloodhound sniffing for Yūrei, nimbly jumping out of the way at each turn.

Medium walks to the painting.

She opens it.

A safe inside.

Medium opens her eyes wider.

She turns the wheel left, right, left.

Opens the door.

Inside is a TINY RED CRYSTAL.

She picks it up.

It's grabbed from her hand, fast.

Invisible POV: Yūrei reappears.

YŪREI
Shift, I am here. I have found what I wanted, and now I will help you save Gaijin.

The bloodhound becomes SHIFT.

SHIFT
(emotional)
Half my friends are lost, and we've got a dying hero in our headquarters, and we've got an entire city frozen in place, and you help us STEAL A FU-

And she's a WOLVERINE -

- shooting towards Yūrei -

- and they both hit a solid surface -

- which shatters!

CUT TO:

11. EXT. COLAN TOWERS. Day 5 - 1043

FINESSE seeing YŪREI and the WOLVERINE falling from the top floor. MEDIUM in the distance, running down invisible stairs.

Finesse holds up her hand -

- and the Wolverine becomes a HAWK.

FINESSE
For serious God.

From the distance, a RED MECHA-SAMURAI ROBOT flies at incredible speed -

- and grabs Yūrei in mid-air.

The hawk lands -

- and becomes SHIFT.

The robot lands -

- and releases Yūrei.

SHIFT
She lied! She's a liar.

YŪREI
I apologise for my deceit -

FINESSE
New rule - you lie to us again, and we steal your things. And sell them on eBay.

YŪREI
This sounds fair.

SHIFT
(calming down)
You're coming up with a lot of new rules today. You'll have to write them down for Wraith.

Yūrei holds up something small and invisible.

YŪREI
Let me earn your trust. This is the Ruby of Ashram, a valuable treasure. I will give it to you until I have rescued your Wraith.

Finesse takes it.

FINESSE
You stole this. Why would we give it back to you?

YŪREI
It is the property of your villain Damien the Impossible. It is the source of his powers.

SHIFT
She's telling the truth. She's not hiding her body language.
(hard stare)
Any more.

FINESSE
And I hate Damien the Impossible. Really, though? All his powers? Even the super-jump?

YŪREI
Even his strange eyes.

FINESSE
I'd have sworn those were contact lenses. Fine. We've got bigger things to worry about now.

Medium arrives.

FINESSE
Go on, you. Lead the way.
(to Yūrei)
And your robot can pull its weight too.

Medium, Yūrei and the robot walk ahead.

FINESSE
(quietly, to Shift)
You can't throw people out of windows, you know.

SHIFT
Sorry. I was vexed.

FINESSE
Wraith wouldn't thank you for killing his girlfriend.

CUT TO:

12. EXT. CRATER - Day 5. 1050

AMITY walking through the invisible streets, blindfolded.

AMITY
(using her communicator)
Finesse? Can you hear me?

FINESSE (OOV)
Amity! Thrilled to hear you.

AMITY
This is strange. Everyone's frozen, but their emotions are all over the place.

FINESSE (OOV)
They're dreaming. Can you use them to navigate?

AMITY
Most of the way, yes. I've blindfolded myself to help me concentrate. I'll need help once I get to the cottage, though.

FINESSE (OOV)
That won't be a problem.

CUT TO:

13. INT. ORMAN LABORATORY/CRATER - Day 5. 1100

MEDIUM and YŪREI lead FINESSE and SHIFT to a specific spot on the crater.

MEDIUM
Here's Wraith.

FINESSE
Yes. I know.

She holds out a hand -

- and the entire lab becomes visible. WRAITH, KYLE, KAYLEIGH, LYRIC and CHRONAL are in their positions from OVERLOAD SCENE 17.

FINESSE
I've only restored this area. We'll need to wake him up to do more.

AMITY arrives, as Finesse crosses over to Chronal to check his pulse.

Amity takes off her blindfold as Finesse nods and stands.

AMITY
Ah, I love being able to see things.

FINESSE
We need a plan of action. We wake up Wraith to restore the city. Then what?

AMITY
Then we get Kyle back to the base.

FINESSE
Back with us? Amity, I don't think we can handle him.

AMITY
It's fine. I called in Rebecca Glass.

FINESSE
No way!
(she smiles)
Brilliant!

YŪREI
Who is this?

FINESSE
Ooh, old friend of mine. Really old friend. But she can block powers.

SHIFT
Is that a good idea with Kyle, though?

AMITY
Thing is, she only blocks your ability to use them. She can't affect your perception. Kyle could get used to seeing the world through new eyes without being dangerous.

SHIFT
Okay, then we get him back to base.

She reveals the INJECTION GUN.

SHIFT
Let's bring our friends back.

She injects Wraith -

- slowly, carefully -

- and pulls the trigger.

Wraith opens his eyes.

WRAITH
What happen?

FINESSE
Can't you feel it?

Wraith closes his eyes.

WRAITH
No way! The entire city?

SHIFT
Half of it.

Shift indicates the ground.

Wraith sits -

- and then lies down.

Shift rests the gun, still in his arm, on the ground.

YŪREI
You have not made life easy, Gaijin.

WRAITH
Oh, cool. You're here.

Medium approaches him.

MEDIUM
Wraith.

WRAITH
No! Epic fail! No! Get her out.

MEDIUM
Oh, quiet. I'm not your enemy. I don't care about you.
(she walks forward as she speaks)
At least, I didn't. I was never interested in other people. But your friends have shown me how wrong I was. They haven't stopped searching for you. They worked so hard. I realised the importance of friendship.

She stops, right next to him.

MEDIUM
And Wraith, if it's not too much to ask, I'd just ...

She puts a hand on his arm.

Suddenly - she grabs the gun.

MEDIUM
I'd just like this.

She dashes towards Kyle's bed -

- and plunges the injection gun into his arm.

MEDIUM
So this is the guy you're desperately trying to keep sedated?

FINESSE
Don't be an idiot. You can see what's hidden? Look at the pain and power in that man's head.

Medium looks at him.

MEDIUM
Whatever. We're going to work this out, and if you don't listen, I pull the trigger.

WRAITH
We really didn't need another villain, guys.

MEDIUM
Wraith's kindly built me an invisible city. We're bang in the middle of the valley of the blind, and I am king. You know I won't let you restore it.

She looks at Amity.

MEDIUM
I can see what you're doing, you know. You can't hide anything from me. Oh, yes, lovely chemicals flying around my brain. Tedious. If you could just see the way the mind works - oh, you'd never let it control you. Self-loathing? It's a conjouring trick.

SHIFT
We'll fight you and win, you know. I've got a menagerie on my side.

Medium stares at her.

MEDIUM
You're right. I can see that. You'll never let me have the city.
(she sighs)
Fair enough.

She pulls the trigger.

AMITY
No!

She runs to Kyle -

- puts a hand on his head.

KYLE
Amity?

AMITY
Kyle. I'm here.

Shift is now a GORILLA -

- but Yūrei gets to Medium first -

- kicks her down so she's kneeling -

- holds a sword to her neck.

KYLE
The pain's gone. Is that you?

AMITY
Yes. I'm sorry. I know this is my fault, but I'm going to make it better. I've found someone who can help you.

KYLE
(indicating Medium)
Who's she?

AMITY
She's pushing her luck.

KYLE
I can feel her powers. She can ... see. The things she can see.

MEDIUM
You have no idea.

KYLE
How do you bear it?

MEDIUM
I love it.

KYLE
I can see so clearly now. All the pain. Can't you see it?

MEDIUM
I don't really care.

FINESSE
Right, we need to get him back to Becca.

She crosses over to Kyle -

- takes the gun.

MEDIUM
(to Yūrei)
You'd rule too, you know.

YŪREI
You have lost. Take it with good grace, or fight me.

MEDIUM
In all this time, nobody asked - how did you navigate the invisible city before we found you? I can see what you're hiding. Some device that lets you see the unseen?

WRAITH
The mirror. The mirror you had in your cottage.

MEDIUM
Side with me. Half a city to ourselves.

YŪREI
I already rule.

She moves the sword closer to Medium's throat

YŪREI
Not everyone wants what you want, observer.

MEDIUM
Then what do you people want?

FINESSE
You'll never know.

YŪREI
I want treasures. I want my collection. I want the rarest, the most powerful items in the world. I want to find every last one of them.

MEDIUM
You could probably do with an assitant who can see every secret, then.

Yūrei pauses -

- and turns to Finesse.

YŪREI
Make me a better offer.

FINESSE
Oh, God, here we go.

YŪREI
The observer would have me betray you in return for countless hidden treasures. You must know that I would accept this offer. You must offer something better.

FINESSE
I'm hired by the government! I can't negotiate with you!

YŪREI
The Ruby of Ashram - the stone you hold. It has the power to store and bestow powers. It can copy the powers of its holder, and subsequent holders can use those powers. Copy your own, manipulator, and I will forever side with you.

FINESSE
Well, you know. Obviously not.

YŪREI
Then I will take Gaijin's.

WRAITH
Aw, what?

YŪREI
True invisibility - and the ability to conceal other things.

Kyle reaches out a hand -

- nudging Finesse.

KYLE
(whispering)
Agree to this. I can finish this.

Finesse - torn.

Eventually, she pulls the RUBY from her pocket.

FINESSE
Alright. As long as it doesn't harm him, you can have Wraith's powers.

WRAITH
Lame.

YŪREI
Bring the stone to me, Gaijin.

Wraith stands slowly, painfully.

He takes the stone from Finesse.

Approaches Yūrei and Medium.

MEDIUM
Nemesis! I've missed you, here at gunpoint.

WRAITH
Dude, shut up. Why are you even here?

MEDIUM
Your friends brought me. And you can stop that attitude. I can see right through you.

WRAITH
Use the sword, Chink!

MEDIUM
Oh, as if. She won't do it. She was never going to do it. And you wouldn't either.

She looks him in the eye.

MEDIUM
I can see it all, you know. Every detail of your mask. Every stray hair on your costume. The reflection of my face in the pupils of your eyes.

Kyle stands.

Reaches out -

- ZAPS Medium with purple lightning.

Zoom into Medium's eyes -

MONTAGE: A baby in the womb.

A new-born baby.

Child in a cot.

Young Wraith, first day in school.

Childhood images.

Secondary school.

University.

Wraith the Scribbler, fighting.

Scenes from previous episodes, intercutting, fast.

Arriving at the cottage -

- struck by lightning.

Back in the room.

Medium out of breath, sweating, crying.

FINESSE
(panicked)
What did you do to her?

KYLE
I overloaded her power. Her eyes have finally been opened.

CUT TO:

14. EXT. ORMAN COTTAGE - Day 5. 1110

FINESSE, AMITY, SHIFT, WRAITH, CHRONAL, LYRIC, KAYLEIGH, YŪREI standing outside the cottage, KYLE and MEDIUM in straightjackets.

YŪREI
My cottage is better than this.

FINESSE
I don't even get your cottage.

YŪREI
Can I have my ruby back?

FINESSE
No.

CUT TO:

14. INT. PIT - MEDICAL BAY - Day 5. 1230

REBECCA GLASS watching over THE MONK. FINESSE enters.

FINESSE
Becca!

GLASS
Darling!

They hug.

GLASS
It's been far too long.

FINESSE
Lovely to see you again. And - sorry to talk shop so soon, but there's someone I'd like you to take a look at.

CUT TO:

15. INT. THE PIT - Day 5. 1250

CHRONAL, LYRIC and WRAITH sitting on the sofas.

FINESSE walks in, pushing in THE MONK in a WHEELCHAIR.

FINESSE
Okay, guys, I'd like you to meet the Monk.

WRAITH
Dude, worst day ever. He's going to kill us all or something.

FINESSE
No he isn't. We don't listen to Spoiler Man, remember?

LYRIC
He's definitely trustworthy, then?

FINESSE
Definitely - and don't be rude, he's right here.

WRAITH
Hello!

FINESSE
Oh, and he doesn't talk, sorry.

Chronal gets to his feet.

Indicates to Finesse -

- and they move to one side.

CHRONAL
There must be a reason you trust him. What is it?

FINESSE
We've talked. Well, I talked - he wrote. And I can't say more than that. This has to be off the record.

CHRONAL
Okay. So it's a work thing?

FINESSE
It's a work thing.

CHRONAL
And he's definitely fine.

FINESSE
I promise.

Chronal smiles.

He turns to the Monk -

- and shakes his hand.

CHRONAL
A pleasure to meet you at last.

CUT TO:

16. INT. PIT - CONTROL ROOM - Night 5. 0300

SHIFT staring at computer screens. LYRIC enters.

LYRIC
On the computers at three in the morning. Dare I ask?

SHIFT
The Monk.

LYRIC
Yep, me too.

SHIFT
I mean, Finesse must be certain. But ... we searched everywhere for him. He didn't exist. Now? He's everywhere. A full history. He's been around for years.

LYRIC
We're thinking he's with Retcon, then?

SHIFT
Must be. He must be rich, too. They keep mentioning this.

She points to the screen.

A photo of an ABBEY.

SHIFT
This is his home.

LYRIC
Wow.

SHIFT
And ... I'm sure Finesse knows what she's doing, but I really think we ought to check this place out.

LYRIC
I'm with you. Let's make it happen.

Final shot of the web page.

Heading: THE MONASTERY

17. INT. PRISON CELL 2 - Day 6. 1200

KYLE is lying on the bed.

There's a knock on the door.

REBECCA GLASS enters.

On-screen caption: ONE MONTH LATER

GLASS
Hello, Kyle.

KYLE
(weakly)
Hi.

GLASS
I've got some good news. The guards think you're making excellent progress, and they're happy for me to take charge of you.

KYLE
(distressed)
I'm happy here. It's good. Nobody comes.

GLASS
It's the next step. And we've got a private room set up for you, and you'll have support around the clock.

KYLE
In your house?

GLASS
No. You'll like it, don't worry. It's a school.

CUT TO:

18. INT. PRISON CORRIDOR - Night 7. 2100

HANK leads FINESSE through the corridor.

HANK
She's changed, I'll tell you that much.

FINESSE
For the better?

HANK
She's easier to handle, I'll give her that.

CUT TO:

19. INT. PRISON CELL - Night 7. 2100

Close-up on Medium, at her desk, drawing furiously.

HANK (v/o)
But we don't know what's come over her.

Zoom out to reveal the cell covered in artwork.

Wraith style.

Friday 12 August 2011

Messenger Chat Transcripts

Transcript 1

WARNING: Transcripts of all conversations are saved. They will only be read with permission from the headmaster.

ON-LINE: Abros, Contra

CONTRA
Morning, sweetheart!

ABROS
Literally never call me that again.

CONTRA
Lol!

ABROS
No, don't do that either.

CONTRA
You're no fun. Still fancy that drink tonight?

ABROS
Dying for it. Glass inisisted I finish all the kids' psych reports before knocking off.

CONTRA
Funny, she's not hassled me about 'em.

ABROS
Bet she leaves your class until last. The stressful ones.

CONTRA
Aw, they're alright. Apart from Kelly Robinson, the cow. She keeps attending my classes in the wrong order.

ABROS
Time-travellers for you. I take it Rhian's still not speaking?

CONTRA
Only to Mike. I can't work it out.

ABROS
Any clues in what she says to him?

CONTRA
He says it's just kids' stuff. Relationships and fears and that.

ABROS
Do you think he's told her he's gay?

CONTRA
Bet he has. Has he come out to you?

ABROS
No. I've tried giving him subtle chances.

CONTRA
You're not camp enough. Turn up in a tiara next week.

ABROS
I hate camp.

CONTRA
You love me.

ABROS
Shut up.

CONTRA
The thing I don't understand is, Rhian knows her way around this place.

ABROS
So?

CONTRA
No-one knows their way around this place! She's the only pupil I know who's never gotten lost in the underground corridors. And she doesn't talk, so she isn't asking anyone for directions. How does she do it?

ABROS
And she's still not using her powers in class?

CONTRA
That's if she has powers at all. We're only taking the headmaster's word for it, because He Must Be Obeyed.

ABROS
He can read these messages, you know.

CONTRA
Let 'im. Hello, sir. Hope all is well. Let's meet up for a chat some time. Oh, no, I forgot - you don't do chatting, do you.

ABROS
Mate, seriously. Bit of professionalism.

CONTRA
That's why he wants Rhian here. Find the only human being in the country more antisocial than he is.

ABROS
Hang on. Mike uses this messenger all the time. I've seen him.

CONTRA
Okay. Does that help?

ABROS
Well - who would he be talking to?

CONTRA
He's got loads of mates! Could be anyone.

ABROS
Yes, but there's a chance he's talking to Rhian, isn't there?

CONTRA
Suppose.

ABROS
Work it out! We could ask the headmaster for logs.

CONTRA
Veto! You can't go prying into the kids' messages.

ABROS
We'll ask the kids first, then. We'll ask if it's a problem. That way, maybe Rhian will finally talk, if only to stop us getting the logs.

CONVERSATION ENDS

*

From: Contra

FAO: The Headmaster

As discussed, I officially request the chat log from the account of Rhian Lewis - from her conversation with Mike Scale last Wednesday. I have spoken to both of them, and neither had any objection to the logs being seen, as long as they aren't read by anyone other than you, Abros and I.

Hopefully, this will give further insight into the mind of our quietest pupil.

Also, I officially request the chat log between Abros and me from our conversation last Friday. Please ignore comments regarding the headmaster in this log, which were typed by a mysterious figure while I went to get some crisps.

*

Transcript 2

WARNING: Transcripts of all conversations are saved. They will only be read with permission from the headmaster.

ON-LINE: Rhian, Death Quote

DEATH QUOTE
You're online! You're never online.

RHIAN
I'm online a lot. I hide.

DEATH QUOTE
I'm glad you're here, though. How was class?

RHIAN
I learnt a lot. It made me happy. How was yours?

DEATH QUOTE
Good. Abros said my writing is a lot better. He said it was because of my diary, but I think it's because I'm online all the time.

RHIAN
It's because you're good at getting better.

DEATH QUOTE
Thanks. I was distracted in class, though. You know Daniel Fisher?

RHIAN
I do. He heals people when he sings.

DEATH QUOTE
Yeah, him. I want him so much I could cry.

RHIAN
He is very handsome. You should talk to him.

DEATH QUOTE
No way. But I sit behind him sometimes, and it's brilliant.

RHIAN
He would be very lucky to have you.

DEATH QUOTE
He's too cool. I couldn't talk to him.

RHIAN
I could give you Teddy for luck.

DEATH QUOTE
No way! I mean, no way am I talking to Dan Fisher with a teddy bear, but seriously - you'd give me your bear?

RHIAN
Teddy is important. If you had him, you would be important.

DEATH QUOTE
Doubt it. I'd feel stupid, and I'd accidentally say something about his mother and break her leg with my stupid spell powers.

RHIAN
Alright. However, whenever you feel you need Teddy, you must ask.

DEATH QUOTE
That's an honour. Who else would you give Teddy to?

RHIAN
Only those I trust.

DEATH QUOTE
Anyone else in the school?

RHIAN
Never.

DEATH QUOTE
Anyone else in the world?

RHIAN
Chronal of the Scribblers.

DEATH QUOTE
Wow, I'm in an exclusive club, then.

RHIAN
He is coming.

DEATH QUOTE
Sorry? Chronal?

RHIAN
One day, he is coming to the school, with the rest of the Scribblers. We will see who he trusts.

DEATH QUOTE
Cool. Visit from the Scribblers!

RHIAN
It will not be a good day. But we will be safe.

DEATH QUOTE
Right.

RHIAN
And I will give him Teddy.

CONVERSATION ENDS

Monday 8 August 2011

Scribbly Pictures: Yurei


I drew this ages ago, but as it is now Pertinent, I thought I'd put it up. Spot the bit added on afterwards in Paint because I'm a moron.

Sunday 7 August 2011

Zhou's Diary

Hello, diary.

I’m getting rid of my old diaries, because they’re embarrassing. This is a reset – a reboot, they call it in comics.

It’s a good time to reset my diary, because I’ve moved out of the group home, and now I’m living in my new school.

Okay, now it’s backstory time. My name is Zhou Xizhang. People in the group home used to call me John, because it was easier to pronounce, but my tutor Umbra says my real name is important. I asked her why she didn’t use her real name, and she said that Umbra is her real name. She lies, I’m certain.

I wish Mr Taylor was my tutor. He has been very kind since I’ve come to the school. He’s much older than everyone else who teaches here, and he makes me feel safe. I’m not allowed to see him when he’s teaching his class, because he has a student called Aadita who might be dangerous to me.

Aadita can change people’s brains. She can reset minds to an earlier point – she could make Mr Taylor have the memories and thoughts he had when he was five years old, for example. They don’t want Aadita to see me, in case she makes me remember the things I’ve forgotten.

I think it’d be nice to remember some things. I wish I could remember my parents. Apparently, I’m from Fujian, which is part of China. I don’t remember Fujian – apparently, the winters are warmer there. Which sounds nice.

I was taken from there to come and work in the UK. I don’t remember this either. Umbra says I’m better off not remembering, because it was probably horrible.

My earliest memory is when I was a brick. Then I stopped being a brick, and people were worried about me, and made sure I was okay. I was outside a house, and when the police checked the house, they found there were lots of people working there from other countries.

I must have run away, and then became a brick, and then forgot everything. Now when I become things, I don’t forget as many things. It’s hard to keep everything, though. Umbra is helping me. She can’t become objects like I can – she can become other people. But she says it’s the same for her – she has to remember who she really is, or she’ll stay as the other people forever.

I’m enjoying the school. The other students are nice, and I like most of the teachers. I wish Mr Taylor was my tutor instead of Umbra, but otherwise I love it here. I was allowed to keep all of my comics.

Mr Taylor wants to adopt me, but he thinks he’s too old.

Enrolment Interview

From: Aporia

FAO: The Headmaster

Here’s the transcript of the interview with Rupert Campbell, as requested. I’ll note my comments at the end.

*

Present: Rebecca Glass (deputy headteacher / tutor, manipulation), Aporia (tutor, perception), Ernest Taylor (tutor, the mind), Rupert Campbell (potential applicant).

Glass: The tape is now recording. I will be chairing this meeting, which is to interview Rupert Campbell to assess suitability for enrolment at [REMOVED]. Interview will be held with Aporia. She would be Rupert’s tutor upon enrolment.

Aporia: Hi, Rupert. I’m Aporia – sorry, Ms Glass, I can’t do the official talk.

Glass: Continue.

Rupert: Guys, to be honest, I don’t really want to come here. It’s my mum, she thinks I need special training, but this isn’t like a proper school, is it?

Glass: If I may? You’d continue to be tutored in academic subjects – that’s a legal requirement. But the emphasis is certainly on mastering your powers, yes.

Rupert: My powers are fine.

Aporia: May I ask what they are?

Rupert: Um, yeah, I suppose. My mum’ll tell you if I don’t. I can create illusions – like mirages? That’s what my mates call me – Mirage. But I can use them properly. I don’t need training.

Aporia: Training isn’t to use them properly, it’s to use them better. I would teach you how to use them more efficiently and stuff.

Rupert: Aren’t all powers different?

Aporia: To an extent, but here at [REMOVED], we specialise in specific sub-sets of powers. My speciality is perception, so I’d be teaching you.

Rupert: You have my powers, then?

Aporia: Not quite. I can make it so people doubt I’m really there. Tricky to do on purpose – for years, I’d just do it by accident. Got a phone call once – my mate upset I hadn’t been to her birthday party. I was standing right next to her when she phoned!

Taylor: Look, if I may ... It’s not really up to you, Campbell. I’m very sorry about that. Our job is to decide whether you’re suitable, but you’re still a minor.

Rupert: I know how this place works, sir. Obviously. You find kids to recruit, only you don’t choose everyone. I heard about these twins – something-or-other Garcia? You let in the girl, and not the boy. Why?

Taylor: We have limited space ...

Rupert: I think it’s because he was incredibly strong, and she could turn into animals. I don’t think you’re really trying to help these kids. And I think the only reason you’re letting me in is because I’m [REMOVED]’s son.

Glass: Sorry, Rupert. We don’t want you to feel unwelcome. You are a good fit for the school, and we really would take the best care of you. You’re right – we haven’t done much to ease your mind. If you like, Aporia can take you to see the rest of the building, and you can talk to some of the students here. You’ll find they’re all perfectly happy.

Rupert: Who’s doing something to me? I’m stuck.

Glass: Sorry, that’s me. I can stop you using your powers – keep them under lock.

Rupert: Then stop it.

Glass: I’ll stop when you stop trying to use them.

Taylor: Right, let’s get to it. The official questions.

Aporia: Oh, sorry, yes. I was meant to ask those, wasn’t I? Okay, how’s your school performance?

Rupert: Impeccable. Do you really need to ask? Straight As in my mock GCSEs. The best education money can buy.

Aporia: Right, yes. How many friends do you have?

Rupert: Are these really official questions? Okay, fine. Um, loads – the other guys in my dorm, we’re really close. My girlfriend, and her mates. I’m in a band with a few guys in town.

Aporia: Okay, good. We really push the social side in this place, so that’s a big help.

Rupert: Except I’d be leaving them all to come here.

Aporia: Last question – who knows about your powers?

Rupert: My mum, my girlfriend, the band, two of the guys in the dorm ... um, my cousins and maybe their friends. Probably loads of people they’ve told. It’s not a secret.

Taylor: That’s great. That’s all we need, isn’t it?

Glass: Thank you, Rupert. You’ll be shown around the school in a moment, but you’ve been a big help.

*

Comments: He seems like a nice kid, but I’m still really unsure. He’s got loads of friends, which we could use as our excuse not to admit him. We could say we’re afraid his education would be compromised by the move.

Problem is, there’s no way in the world [REMOVED] would accept that. I don’t think she cares about his academic education. She just wants him to maser his powers.

He’s a good match for my class, certainly. All I’ll say on a personal level is that I’d work hard to make sure he doesn’t turn out like his mother. Otherwise, I’ll be all professional, promise.

I’m sure you’ll speak to Ernest and Rebecca too, but they’re on opposite sides. Ernest sees no reason not to let him in, since his powers fit the bill. Rebecca reckons nobody should be allowed to buy their way in, not even [REMOVED]. She’s afraid it wouldn’t be long before we were just another private school, available to the highest bidder.

She also reckons that, the second we admit him, we’ll be overrun with Scribblers.

Monday 1 August 2011

Scribblers: Ghostwritten

Belated finale, but hey. All done! And also with five pages illustrated, because it never happens.


Scribblers: Ghostwritten

Issue the Next

Scene the First: Inside the SCEPTRE labs. The Scribblers, BRUCE, HERR KLAUSNER and SERGEI are standing in the observation room from the start, but standing inside the glass with the axe. LYRIC is running his hands over it and examining it carefully, watched closely by a fascinated SERGEI and from the back by a mistrustful BRUCE. Everyone else is observing and talking.


FINESSE (frustratedly)
Gadgets. The bitch. I can't do anything about gadgets.

SHIFT
Yes, it was perhaps an oversight on our part, given that it was from someone who collects gadgets.

FINESSE
That's unhelpful.

SHIFT
I think you'll find it's extremely helpful.

FINESSE
I think you'll find it's not.

CHRONAL
It's cheating, really. Using gadgets. Like Batman.

AMITY
Don't we think it's odd, though? Attacking the city with robots? I mean -

BRUCE
Well, she's a terrorist, my dear.

AMITY
Terrorists have reasons, my dear. That wasn't a diversion to steal the axe; it's still here. Why advertise herself like that?

HERR KLAUSNER
Vell, perhaps she is insane, ve may never know, shame. Anyvay: zis is our axe.

WRAITH
Retro.

SERGEI
Is vun thousand years old -

He glances at HERR KLAUSNER -

SERGEI
Almost. Ve know it is poverful - our readings are over there, on screen in corner. cHas extremely chigh pover output.

LYRIC
Yes. What does it do with that power?

SERGEI
Ve don't know! There are legends -

SHIFT
Ooh, really?

SERGEI
Da. Many, and from many different cultures - I chave made book of them, if you vant to see...

SHIFT
I vant.

HERR KLAUSNER (wearily)
Sergei, please mit ze focusing...

SERGEI
Prastite. Vell, there are many, but ve chave vun ve believe most. Axe vas crafted nearly thousand years ago, probably in Estonia, by - vell. Legend says it vas by mighty god, ve aren't sure who it actually vas. But it vas given as gift to king, great varrior, and told it vould serve chim vell, and che must pass it down the generations; because, vun thousand years after it vas forged, it vould become more valuable than all vorld's gold, and its owner vould rule vorld.

BRUCE (muttered)
Yes... rule the world...

LYRIC
How?

SERGEI
Ve don't know. It vill activate, soon; you see pover readings? They are up two chundred percent from vun week ago. Ve are close.

FINESSE
How close?

SERGEI (uncomfortably)
Ah. Vell, yes, that is problem ve chave chad. Thing is -

FINESSE
Different calendar systems?

SERGEI (joyfully)
Yes! Yes, exactly! Svitch from Julian to Gregorian alone makes it very difficult -

FINESSE (thoughtfully)
And that's not even starting on the others. I mean, the Japanese -

SERGEI
Yes! Yes, it is very chard!

BRUCE (disparagingly)
Ladies, if we could focus?

CHRONAL
Ladies?

SHIFT
Why would someone build an artefact to grant world domination that they could never use, though?

Shift thoughtfully snatches the book from Sergei.

AMITY
Yes, that struck me, too. You couldn't even be sure your decendents would have it after that amount of time, could you?

FINESSE
More importantly, gentlemen, what exactly are you doing with this fine world-dominating axe?

HERR KLAUSNER (loudly)
Ah! Aha! Ja, ja I can see vhere you might be thinking, mit ze - nein, fraulein, ve are a research organisation, zat is all, tell, Sergei, tell tell...

SERGEI
Er, da. Axe is vun thousand years old, you see, but look! cHow old vould you chave said it vas?

FINESSE
Lyric?

LYRIC
Brand new. It could have been forged this morning.

SERGEI
Exactly! Axe chas ability to keep itself - vell. Forever young, as it vere. And it chas been used, comrades! Across many centuries. Still it looks new.

AMITY
So your interest is medical?

SERGEI
Da! Vunce ve understand pover source...

FINESSE
On the subject of that - how does it power itself?

CHRONAL
There's a plug. That's not true.

SERGEI
As of yet, ve are still uncertain. Vhatever it is, it is self-sustaining.

CHRONAL
But built a thousand years ago?

SERGEI
Da. Fascinating, nyet?

SHIFT
I found my favourite!

They turn to look at her as she looks at the book.

SHIFT
The story goes that, a thousand years ago, the king of a mighty empire ordered the creation of a weapon which would release the soul without killing the body. The civilisation practiced sacrifice, but in this more unlightened age, thought that swords were a bit nasty.

LYRIC
Swords are great.

SHIFT
So this trickster-goblin thing turns up, all tiny and teleporty and, um, with silver skin, and offers the axe in exchange for ... wait for it ...

CHRONAL
The Tenth Planet Part Four!

SHIFT
No.

CHRONAL
Sorry. I hate waiting. I feel the flow of time, you know.

SHIFT
The king's own son was the asking price. The king agreed, on the basis that clean swords is worth a human life, apparently.

FINESSE
You sniff about it now, but they sacrificed people.

SHIFT
Oh. Good point. Either way, the goblin took away the son, and a year later, turned up with the axe. The king takes it, and tells the goblin to return his son, or he'll axe him in the face.

WRAITH
Face!

SHIFT
The goblin refuses, obviously, and the king plants the axe in his head. There's a very funny picture in the book.

They gather around. Some laugh, some look horrified.


SHIFT
Suddenly, the king feels strange, and his body starts to fade. Turns out, he should've read the instructions - it's the user, not the victim, who loses his soul.

CHRONAL
Yay, fun trickster mythology!

SHIFT
So the king fades to nothing, the goblin dies of axe-head, and the axe is taken by ... guess!

AMITY
The son! He's the only significant character left!

SHIFT
No, a dragon.

Pause.

SHIFT
Yeah, I was surprised too. I think it's from some other myth. But that's where the thousand-year thing comes into it. There's another story about the dragon guarding a weapon, but in this case, it's a hammer. That hammer supposedly activated after a thousand years. I reckon the axe just inherited that fact from the hammer.

LYRIC
So the axe won't actually activate at all?

SHIFT
That's what I think. Just a myth.

Sergei looks very sad. Also worried.

Herr Klausner has the face of a man who will be Having Words with any researches known to omit significant axe-related details.


AMITY
It's clearly powerful, though, since it still looks brand-new.

CHRONAL
Not to mention the power readings.

LYRIC (quietly, to Finesse)
What do you think?

She moves closer, both ignoring the rest of the room.

FINESSE
No idea. If it were modern I'd suggest beta-particle conversion, but a thousand years ago?

LYRIC
Yeah. But I think you're right.

FINESSE
Seriously?

LYRIC
I know! I am Lyric's quiet excitement.

FINESSE
That's incredible!

LYRIC
Yeah, it is!

WRAITH sidles over to them.


WRAITH
Hey losers. I think we need to go.

FINESSE
Why?

WRAITH
Chronal just asked Australian Man why he was so uncertain in his masculinity that he feels the need to suppress women for strength.

LYRIC
What?

FINESSE
Oh dear god.

They turn back to the group where BRUCE is glowering at CHRONAL, who is standing calmly with his arms folded, supremely unconcerned. Everyone else is standing around looking slightly awkward. Behind them all a tumbleweed rolls by.

WRAITH
Ehhhhhh. We've brought Kayleigh's tumbleweed.

FINESSE
Right. Well, clearly it's a powerful artefact that we can't allow a robot-wielding maniac to get her hands on, so let's go and stop her, children.

AMITY (quickly)
Good idea! Let's leave right now.

SHIFT
Let's go! Time is fleeing us!

CHRONAL
It's not, you know.

SHIFT (brightly)
Yes!

HERR KLAUSNER
Vait! Vait, before you go, you must take vun of our men.

LYRIC
Normally people tell me not to.

WRAITH
Lolz.

HERR KLAUSNER
Nein, I mean - ze Yūrei is very dangerous, and ve have some experience mit her. Vill you take a grunt? Ve have many, you can choose if you vish?

He gestures to a line of GRUNTS standing along one wall. They all endeavor to look surly and macho.


FINESSE
Alright, pick a boy-bitch, Lyric.

SHIFT
You should choose number three.

LYRIC
I choose number four.

SHIFT
That's a rubbish choice. No offence. I'm sure you're a very nice surly grunt.

CHRONAL
He could be charming and now crushed! What's your name, surly grunt?

SURLY GRUNT
...Rodriguez.

AMITY
That's a lovely name! And now I feel less elitist.

CHRONAL
And are you charming and crushed, Rodriguez?

RODRIGUEZ
Let's just find this tart and finish her, shall we?

There is a pause.

CHRONAL
Oh yeah. Gentlemen's club. Idotic brat whose mummy didn't love him enough, I remember.

SHIFT
I liked him better when he was possibly charming and crushed.

WRAITH
Epic fail, son.

AMITY
I miss being elitist.

FINESSE
He's a card, I'm sure. Onwards, kiddies!

Scene the Next. Back in that lovely forest, remember the forest? It's so beautiful. Nearly all deciduous trees, too, and native species, hardly any pine. This means Bushy Undergrowth, my friends. Wins.

Anyway: back in the clearing. It is all much the same as before except, instead of a cottage, there is merely an impact site - the building itself is gone. The Scribblers and RODRIGUEZ wander around it, inspecting the damage while CHRONAL scans it with some Tech, because he is Tech Man.

WRAITH
It was right here!

SHIFT
Clearly.

WRAITH
It was!

SHIFT
Yes, I was agreeing, you crazy. That's some exceedingly damaged undergrowth.

LYRIC
I knew a guy once who made exceedingly good cakes.

AMITY
What a lovely man to know!

(beat)

Wait, you mean Mr Kipling, don't you?

LYRIC
I did, and I now regret it given how disappointed you seem.

AMITY
I wanted to meet him.

FINESSE
And you can. Go to a supermarket. Chronal?

CHRONAL
Well, good news. Wraith doesn't seem to be a liar.

WRAITH
Hey! That was still an option?

SHIFT
It's because of your untrustworthy face.

WRAITH
My mummy said it was the most beautiful face she'd ever seen.

LYRIC
She said 'special' and you know it.

WRAITH turns invisible, and loudly pretends to cry.

FINESSE
Children, please. Lyric's boy-bitch will think we're unprofessional.

RODRIGUEZ
His what?

AMITY
Oh, er, no, he's also homophobic, by the way. We really were off the mark with 'charming'.

SHIFT
But he's from a gentlemen's club.

LYRIC
It's not gay if the balls don't touch.

WRAITH('s voice)
Words to live by.

AMITY
Well, to do something by, at any rate.

WRAITH('s voice)
Lol!

RODRIGUEZ
Shut up, you pack of freaks!

WRAITH pretends to cry again.

FINESSE
Guys, leave him alone. Mr Bitch, please refrain from insulting my team. Chronal, why isn't Wraith a liar? And please note, Wraith, that I'm not asking you and so don't require a witty riposte in ironic bantered response.

CHRONAL
I'm picking up residual energy fields with a bitchinly high output. Look! Look how high!

He holds up the scanner.

LYRIC
Bitchin'.

SHIFT
Traceable?

CHRONAL
Not unless we learn to fly. Although, we could probably tie Wraith to the outside of the Trans-Jet and then he could hold the scanner and we'll fly slowly enough to not asphyxiate him.

LYRIC
Seconded.

WRAITH('s voice)
Baps.

CHRONAL
'Cause, you know, it just seems more fun than using the hover shoes.

AMITY
Do we think asphyxiation is the only risk here...?

CHRONAL
Yes, or you'd have said. I hearby refuse to listen to anything else.

AMITY
Oh. I need to work on assertively vetoing things.

SHIFT
I can fly.

CHRONAL
Or that, whatever works.

SHIFT turns into a red kite and flies at CHRONAL; he holds out the scanner and she takes it in her talons, flying up and away through the hole in the canopy. FINESSE folds her arms, and looks pointedly at the broken branches.

FINESSE (disapprovingly)
I have to say, though - deciduous woodland is a dwindling resource and a major carbon sink, not to mention a vital habitat for thousands of species. Breaking holes in it does not earn one any brownie points.

CHRONAL
Damage to woodlands is always so much more depressing than you'd think.

FINESSE (still disapprovingly)
Just saying... if someone is going to go breaking branches and trampling saplings, they should really make sure they have a good plan for repairing the damage afterwards.

CHRONAL
Maybe she has a gadget? Batman would have a gadget.

RODRIGUEZ
Who are you talking to, anyway?

FINESSE
No one in particular, I'm sure. Just saying.

RODRIGUEZ
Women...

CHRONAL (sarcastically)
Yes, and I'm sure if I'd said it you'd have stereotyped all men, wouldn't you?

RODRIGUEZ
Except you wouldn't have said it, pretty boy.

AMITY
Hey! He has a brain as well!

LYRIC
Yeah, stop objectifying him because of his looks, boy-bitch!

CHRONAL
It's the story of my life...

FINESSE
Well, you've even turned a homophobe now.

RODRIGUEZ (angrily)
I am not queer, you whore!

He steps forward to FINESSE, but suddenly she vanishes and reappears behind him. He spins around, spluttering with rage. CHRONAL smiles.

FINESSE
Mr Bitch, you can insult me, but do not think you can take me.

WRAITH('s voice)
Owned.

RODRIGUEZ (squeakily)
Why have I got such a wedgie?

CHRONAL looks grim. Yet naughty.

RODRIGUEZ (squeakier still)
And why does it reset when I fix it?

SHIFT flies back down, and CHRONAL takes the scanner from her before she transforms back. FINESSE and RODRIGUEZ maintain eye contact.

SHIFT
Well, I couldn't read it and fly at the same time, so I just flew in a circle. What does it say?

CHRONAL
It's interesting.

He turns the scanner sideways and presses a button. A holographic map appears above it of the forest, with a cloudy blue line rising out of it and heading away.

CHRONAL
According to this we've only got the one trail. So either she left the same way she arrived, or -

FINESSE
Or she's still here.

She turns, and looks at the tree to her right.

FINESSE
What do you think?

And the YŪREI steps forward seemingly out of the bark of the tree, like an object in a magic eye picture. RODRIGUEZ spins around, drawing a gun out and pointing it at her -

- and cries out as AMITY steps forward, calmly pulling the gun from his fingers.


AMITY
Sorry Mr Bitch, but clearly we can't let you do that.

SHIFT
What did you -?

AMITY
An extremely magnified superego.

LYRIC
Nasty! Good work.

RODRIGUEZ sinks to his knees slowly, shivering.

RODRIGUEZ
But... how...?

YŪREI
I am sorry for your trees. I did not think.

FINESSE
It's okay. We have a friend who can heal them.

YŪREI
I am glad.

RODRIGUEZ
Catch... her...

FINESSE
So you can frame her for your robots again?

RODRIGUEZ
What? You couldn't -!

FINESSE
We are professionals, Mr Bitch. Professionals with an extremely skilled empath on our team. Not to mention, and I cannot stress this point enough, the fact that we are, demonstrably, a team. Of six.

AMITY
Oh dear. She's very angry with you.

FINESSE
Yes, I am. You know why? I can cope with your antiquated and rapidly dying brand of chauvinism, see, and god knows you're not the first evil organisation that's tried to trick us into working for it, and I can even cope with the hideous racial cliches you all represent. But you know what really pisses me off?

RODRIGUEZ
...No?

FINESSE
We fought her, and she got away, and you thought that was me at my best.

RODRIGUEZ cowers. WRAITH becomes visible and sidles over to the YŪREI.

WRAITH
She doesn't mean it offensively...

YŪREI
I know. And she is right. Had we genuinely fought I could not have escaped - you are all great warriors.

(beat)

Well; perhaps except for you.

WRAITH
Loses.

AMITY
How quickly people adopt that meme.

CHRONAL
Yes, and did you see that, Mr Bitch? You don't have a sense of humour. She does. This is one of many ways in which we knew she's actually a good guy.

YŪREI
It is true. Upon meeting Wraith I called him a gaijin and he called me a chink. I am informed this passes for humour here.

AMITY
Oh, um, it doesn't, but Wraith thinks it does.

SHIFT
Wraith thinks a lot of things no one else does.

WRAITH
I'm special.

SHIFT
Yes, you are, you saddo.

LYRIC
Hey, so, is your house still here?

YŪREI
Yes. Gaijin is hiding it.

WRAITH
Yeah. I'm going to stop now.

The house fades back into view.

LYRIC
Wow. Quaint, much?

FINESSE
I don't get it.

CHRONAL
I do! It's brilliant! Can we have one, Finesse?

FINESSE
I don't even get the question.

RODRIGUEZ
How long, Scribblers? How long have you known?

AMITY
Well, since Wraith met the Yūrei. And, um, then they turned up in town, and Chronal froze time so we could talk, and then we staged the rest for your benefit. We got to play Make Believe! It was fun!

CHRONAL
So now, Mr Bitch; what exactly are SCEPTRE wanting this axe for?

RODRIGUEZ
The hell I'm telling you -

AMITY sighs, and he subsides.

RODRIGUEZ
To rule the world.

FINESSE
How?

RODRIGUEZ
We don't know. We don't know what it'll do.

CHRONAL
And what will you do with the world?

RODRIGUEZ
Change it. We will reform it. We'll reclaim our lost glories, our lost values -

CHRONAL (horrified)
No! You're going to take away Progress?

FINESSE
Chronal... we knew it would be awful -

CHRONAL
But Progress! No!

SHIFT
Oh dear.

(beat)

I said you should have picked the third boy-bitch.

LYRIC
You - what? What does that have to do with anything?!

SHIFT
Well, this one's rubbish.

AMITY
The Australian man is really evil, by the way. Even more than Herr Klausner. I think he's a massive problem if he gets that axe.

YŪREI
I would like the axe.

There is a pause.

YŪREI
I understand your hesitation, Scribblers. But, I am just a collector. Nothing in my collection has been used for any purpose other than scaring Gaijin.

WRAITH
Ehhhhhhhh.

CHRONAL
Well, that seems like a noble purpose.

FINESSE
You'll keep it safe? You will never try to conquer the world, commit genocide or miscellaneous other with it?

YŪREI
You have my word.

AMITY
She's telling the truth.

SHIFT
I agree.

FINESSE
Excellent! Frankly, that's a weight off our mind. Wraith tends to use the gadgets we store when we're out.

YŪREI
For inappropriate sexual antics?

AMITY
Really, how does that catch on so quickly?

LYRIC
I’m just glad it’s not me for once.

WRAITH
And hey, you come from the country that gave the world tentacle rape and bukkake!

YŪREI
I concede the point.

SHIFT
Right! Well, we need to go back and get the axe out of SCEPTRE, yes?

RODRIGUEZ
It’s not SCEPTRE, you freak! It’s S.C.E.P.T.R.E.!

LYRIC
Quiet, boy-bitch. I have the super-human power of understanding semantics, and not one of you people has yet meant it when you’ve used it as an acronym.

RODRIGUEZ
And stop calling me -!

AMITY sighs and pats him on the head, and he subsides again, this time glumly rocking on his heels.

FINESSE
Anyway; back to the plan, please, Shift. And Chronal, stop doing that. He’s a prisoner of war.

CHRONAL
He called you a whore!

FINESSE
We’ve beaten him now! Geneva convention! But thank you.

CHRONAL
Fine…

SHIFT
Well, first thing’s first –

AMITY
Wait.

They all stop and look at her, but she’s frowning at RODRIGUEZ, clearly thinking very fast, and then holds out a hand to him.

AMITY
Give it to me.

He cowers, suddenly terrified, and then hands over a communicator; on its screen HERR KLAUSNER’s panicked face is visible.

HERR KLAUSNER
Scheiser –

It cuts out, and AMITY sighs.


AMITY
Damn. Sorry. I should have spotted that sooner.

FINESSE
Not your fault. He had to be good at something.

SHIFT
Number three would have been even better, mind.

LYRIC
And anyway, now we know they know we know. We could’ve not known.

YŪREI
Although, they also know that we know that they know that we know.

CHRONAL
No!

WRAITH
Hey, so, what did you do to the Orangu-twat there, anyway? He’s looking at you and crying.

AMITY
Oh, I redirected his innate and primal fear of predators onto me. He thinks I’m going to eat him.

CHRONAL
Nice!

AMITY
Good, isn’t it?

SHIFT
Okay, well, anyway, my first plan is now useless because of the inordinate and inconvenient amount of knowing going on, so the second is just that we go and break in, if I’m honest.

FINESSE
Who needs subtlety, eh?

SHIFT
Oh, I can’t be having with it.

CHRONAL
Wraith needs subtlety.

WRAITH
So does your face.

AMITY
If we’re going in, though, we’re totally unprepared. We don’t really know the layout of the building, or the alarm systems, or anything like that.

SHIFT
Ah, the clever part of the plan! Step forward if you’re a master thief!

The YŪREI steps forward, and smiles.

LYRIC
Wick.

Scene the Next. Back in S.C.E.P.T.R.E., in what is apparently a war room – it looks a lot like the builder was here aiming for ‘bunker’, since that’s where people plot in films. In a big glass case in one corner is a giant 3D map with troops on it that people can push around with those long pointer stick things. It is not currently being used, although BRUCE keeps periodically glancing hungrily at it.


There is also a big central long oval table, around which are seated various members of S.C.E.P.T.R.E., headed by HERR KLAUSNER, who has his head miserably in his hands. They are all looking frantic.


HERR KLAUSNER
Scheiser. Zey know, zey know…

GEORGE
But now what?! Now what?!

AMERICORN
They know about the robots, and now the axe! And now they’re coming here with that Jap to take it!

BELGIAN-FLAGGED GUY
No point anymore, then, is there? She’d have stolen it from us anyway. Now she has help. And they could bring the law to us.

BRUCE
Is Sergei still working on it?

HERR KLAUSNER
Ja, ja obviously he does not know about ze problem mit ze geist and ze heroes now coming for us. Vell, Bruce? I don’t suppose you have any other ideas?

BRUCE
Actually… one or two.

HERR KLAUSNER (brightening)
Really?

GEORGE
E gods man!

BRUCE
Shut up, George. Well, it’ll be difficult, but I think there might be a few cards left we can play. Firstly, our best hope to keep the axe and carry on until it activates is to evacuate.

GEORGE
Really? But this building is –

BRUCE (wearily)
Not the building, George, the country. I think we should begin transfer to our Swiss headquarters.

HERR KLAUSNER
Ja, practical, I like ze plan…

The SWISS-FLAGGED MAN stands up.

SWISS GUY
I shall begin at once!

He leaves.

AMERICORN
But that’ll take time, and they’re on their way now!

BRUCE (irritably)
Yes, Johnson, that’s why I said I had more than one idea. Now, the way I see it, the Yūrei is the bigger problem. The Scribblers are bound by laws, which she isn’t.

HERR KLAUSNER
So?

BRUCE
So – and I warn you now, this is going to be risky – I think we need to pre-empt them and bring in the law ourselves.

There is a minor explosion of harrumphing around the table as the men shake fists in the air and shout things like ‘Oh, I say!’ and ‘The law, man? Are you mad?’ and ‘Queensbury rules!’ HERR KLAUSNER is staring at BRUCE. They wait for the noise to drop again.

HERR KLAUSER
Ze law, Bruce?

BRUCE
Yes. Not the police – the Department of Superheroic Affairs. If we report the Yūrei to them, say we have reason to believe she’s a terrorist – well, you know the drill – then they will dispatch a team to try to collect her. She’s internationally wanted, after all.

JOHNSON
But what good -?

BRUCE
She can’t steal the axe under that much scrutiny. Or at least, it’ll be harder and the Scribblers won’t be able to help her.

JOHNSON
Well, then! Why the hell didn’t we call them in before?!

HERR KLAUSNER (dismissively)
Johnson, Johnson, you are not mit ze thinking. Zey are ze law, zis is still risky. Hmm. Vhat zen, Bruce? Zey vill vish to know vhy ve did not call zem sooner. And, of course, ze Scribblers vill still be here.

BRUCE
Well, firstly, sir, we didn’t call in the DSA because we’d already reported to the Scribblers, and as an independent organisation we prefer not to involve governments on moral grounds.

HERR KLAUSNER
Ha ha! Good, good…

BRUCE
And secondly, the Scribblers, legally speaking, have nothing. Only the word of an internationally wanted terrorist and a disgruntled employee angry at not being promoted.

GEORGE
Good heavens, was he really -?

BRUCE
He was now. There’s no concrete evidence, is my point. The only real risk to us from that quarter is the empath.

There is a pause as they all think it over.

HERR KLAUSER
Very vell. Ze axe is so close to activating, ve only need to keep it safe for a very short time now anyvay. Make ze call, Bruce! And prepare to evacuate, gentlemen. And in ze meantime; ve vill prepare security, Jurgen, prepare ze security…

Scene the Next. Outside SCEPTRE Headquarters. Our view is on a small copse of trees, swaying peacefully in the breeze. After a moment, a happy little blue tit flutters down to them, and promptly disappears into thin air.

SHIFT(‘s voice)
The easy plan is out. They’ve moved the axe from that room.

CHRONAL(‘s voice)
Then the fun plan is in! We infiltrate!

AMITY(‘s voice)
Yay!

SHIFT(‘s voice)
Also there is suddenly an indecent amount of goons.

LYRIC(‘s voice)
Well, that was expected.

CHRONAL(‘s voice)
Any of them women?

SHIFT(‘s voice)
No, I’m afraid.

CHRONAL(‘s voice)
Also expected.

YŪREI(‘s voice)
Did you see where they took the axe?

SHIFT(‘s voice)
No, but there are more robots, too.

WRAITH(‘s voice)
Epic fail.

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Right. Wraith, you take the robots –

WRAITH(‘s voice)
What? Fail! No, robots bad robots bad robots bad…

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Well, I didn’t mean directly.

WRAITH(‘s voice)
I can’t fight robots you gypsy!

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Silence or I’m inviting your mother to dinner.

WRAITH(‘s voice)
Baps.

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Robot armies mean a master control panel somewhere to relay orders and prevent vicious mecha mutinies. Find it, disable them.

YŪREI(‘s voice)
May I have it?

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Yeah, why not?

YŪREI(‘s voice)
My thanks. Then I shall go with Gaijin.

WRAITH(‘s voice)
Wins.

AMITY(‘s voice)
Ooh, that sounds like fun! Can I help?

FINESSE(‘s voice)
No. You, Shift and Lyric are looking for the axe.

SHIFT(‘s voice)
Ah. The fun plan, yes. While you and Chronal head for their computers for evidence of criminal dealings.

CHRONAL(‘s voice)
I’m ever so looking forward!

AMITY(‘s voice)
Can there be a prize for whoever finds the axe first?

SHIFT(‘s voice)
A deep sense of satisfaction and triumph.

AMITY(‘s voice)
Oh. Well, I suppose that’s acceptable, but I have to say I really wanted something a bit more material.

LYRIC(‘s voice)
Or a game.

AMITY(‘s voice)
Yes! You see? Lyric and I both want there to be a game if –

LYRIC(‘s voice)
I really don’t. I was talking about you.

AMITY(‘s voice)
Um… It’s my birthday?

YŪREI(‘s voice)
Ah. She has defeated you, my friends.

SHIFT(‘s voice)
Fake Bear Alphabet. You’ll love it.

AMITY(‘s voice)
Hooray!

LYRIC(‘s voice)
If I find it I don’t want that.

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Noted. Let’s go, children.

There is a pause, and then they all become visible except WRAITH and YŪREI, moving stealthily into the building in various ways. SHIFT flies up to the roof as a blue tit, LYRIC scales a drainpipe and climbs suavely into a second storey window; the others wander over to a door where the guards suddenly burst into tears and run away from AMITY. They step inside.

Inside, FINESSE touches a hand to her ear.


FINESSE
Everyone on comm?

LYRIC(‘s voice)
Yep.

SHIFT(‘s voice)
Indeedy.

WRAITH(‘s voice)
No. Lolz.

CHRONAL
I think he’s lying.

AMITY
Ha!

FINESSE
We cannot possibly be paying you enough. Alright – Scribblers are go.

LYRIC(‘s voice)
F.A.B.

Scene the Next. Top Floor. SHIFT enters what turns out to be a hangar, a series of sophisticated transport aircraft lined up and being fuelled while GRUNTS run about organising packing crates. She hides behind a few.

SHIFT (quietly)
We’ve got aircraft and a lot of activity on the roof, which probably opens. I imagine they’re getting ready to leave.

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Hmm. I wonder where?

SHIFT
One second.

She walks out from her hiding place, and cups her hands around her mouth.

SHIFT (shouting)
Hey! Grunts! Where are you all relocating to?

GRUNT#1
Argh! A Scribbler! They’re here!

GRUNT#2
Fetch security! Fetch the security!

SHIFT
Huh. Really thought that would work. I always just obey when people shout at me.

The GRUNTS run away, and ROBOTS burst in! Oh noes!

SHIFT
Wraith? I’ve got robots. Hurry up.

WRAITH(‘s voice)
Will do. Chink has a scanner thing we’re following.

The robots attack, and SHIFT turns into a rhino and stampedes forward. The first is crushed, the second heavily dented, but the third simply bounces off her. The fourth raises a pimped out rhino-proof fist, ready to strike –

-and as its arm falls SHIFT becomes a swallow and swerves left, missing it. She morphs into an anaconda above them and wraps around three at once, crushing two before the third suddenly solidifies, resistant; two more grab her and she becomes an electric eel and short-circuits them before becoming a shire horse and back kicking another two away.

Scene the Meanwhile. CHRONAL and FINESSE zip into a room full of computers and monitors and things, and knock out the three people who were working there. CHRONAL drops into a seat, and starts typing on a computer while FINESSE pulls an access card off one of the passed-out SCEPTRE workers.


CHRONAL
Right! Time to fight their firewalls!

FINESSE
You need a cyber-siege weapon.

CHRONAL
Like a ballista?

FINESSE
Have you been reading my Roman warfare books?

CHRONAL
Yes! Now I know why you giggle at the word ‘ballistic’ in certain contexts.

FINESSE
It’s true. I do.

CHRONAL
Hmm. This encryption is tough.

FINESSE
Problematically so?

CHRONAL
I’m not sure yet. I don’t think so.

FINESSE
Smite it.

CHRONAL
Mightily!

FINESSE
Good boy. Make sure you – wait.

She turns to the door, tensing up, and then blurs; suddenly, the unconscious people are neatly lying to the side in the recovery position, and she starts pushing chairs and desks to follow.

CHRONAL (without looking up)
What is it?

FINESSE
Someone extremely big, powerful and fast who is impervious to all force unless their equilibrium or aura is disrupted by metal.

CHRONAL
Got it sorted?

FINESSE
Oh yeah. How are you doing?

CHRONAL
I think I need to work at five computers at once to break this. Do you need my powers?

FINESSE
Who needs powers when you have a secret mecha leg?

Suddenly, the door is thrown back off its hinges, and an ENORMOUS OX MAN, seven feet tall and massively muscled, appears in it grinning. He steps into the room, seeing FINESSE, and steps menacingly towards her.

ENORMOUS OX MAN
Alright there, darlin’?

CHRONAL (outraged)
Did he just - ?

FINESSE
Yes. Just focus on that code, I’ll handle the important social lesson.

CHRONAL
God I hate these –

He blurs away, and becomes a long CHRONAL-coloured streak between all of the monitors in the room. FINESSE smiles at the ENORMOUS OX MAN as he leers at her.

FINESSE
Sorry, where were we -? Oh yes. Yes, I’m alright, thank you. Do you have a cheesy codename?

ENORMOUS OX MAN
Nothin’ official, love. But people who know me call me… The Gravedigger!!!

FINESSE
It’s a pleasure, Mr Digger. Are you here to fight me?

GRAVEDIGGER
It’s nothin’ personal, love. But, seein’ as you’re a lady, I’ll try to make it qui-

He is cut off as FINESSE suddenly springs forward and high-kicks him in the chin with her right leg, snapping his head up and throwing him back against the wall in shock. She lands in a three-point crouch, grinning.

FINESSE
I do hope that’s not your philosophy in every aspect of your life.

GRAVEDIGGER
You – you hurt me, you skank!

FINESSE
Yeah. You ain’t all that, mate.

With a bellow of rage, he lunges at her again.


Scene the Meanwhile. LYRIC is in a corridor, surrounded by fallen GOONS. He knocks the last one out and pushes open a door to the right –

HERR KLAUSNER and SERGEI are standing in a disused meeting room, carefully transferring the axe into a box to transport it. Both flinch and look up in horror as the door slams open, but when LYRIC steps through SERGEI relaxes. HERR KLAUSNER watches him, his grip on the axe tight.


SERGEI
Ah! Lyric, da, ve are so glad to see you –

LYRIC
Amity? Did you say the Russian scientist was clean?

SERGEI
Er… da, I bathe most –

AMITY (on comm)
Yes, he’s lovely.

LYRIC
Cheers. Right. Step away from the axe, Herr Klausner.

HERR KLAUSNER
Ah, nein, my friend. I cannot.

SERGEI
But… vhy? Vhy are you taking axe, I don’t - ?

LYRIC
Because, bad news - you work with a pack of twats.

SERGEI
Vell, da, I know, but –

LYRIC
Oh. Well, a pack of evil twats. Sorry, should have been clearer.

SERGEI
But – nyet, they chave only-

LYRIC
They want to use the axe to remake the world into a giant right-wing gentlemen’s club with women, gays and possibly blacks as second-class citizens.

(pause)

And probably working-class citizens as second-class citizens, come to think.

SERGEI
Vhat? But –

HERR KLAUSNER
Ah, Sergei, enough, enough. Ze man hass clearly been talking to ze Geist. Go! Fetch ze security. I vill finish here mit ze axe.

LYRIC
I refuse to believe you don’t know the English word for ‘with’, you offensive cliché.

SERGEI
But equipment needs careful chandling, I must stay and oversee...

HERR KLAUSNER picks up the axe out of its case. LYRIC tenses up, looking menacing and cool.

LYRIC
Put down that axe.

HERR KLAUSNER
Nein, Scribbler.

SERGEI
Er – gentlemen…?

LYRIC
Oh, I will make you if I must. You gave me a shit boy-bitch. And I bet number three was no better.

SERGEI
Herr Klausner, please, you are damaging equipment!

And HERR KLAUSNER is pulling the monitoring wires off the axe, gripping it tightly and watching LYRIC.

HERR KLAUSNER
Leave, Sergei, if you vish to remain unharmed, run run run.

LYRIC
Do it. He’s not interested in your safety.

SERGEI whimpers as HERR KLAUSNER finally finishes and shoves the axe case roughly away, sending it tumbling to the floor. He backs away. HERR KLAUSNER hefts the axe, and grins.

HERR KLAUSNER
You see, Scribbler? You see! Very foolish! You haff come to fight vhen I hold ze most powerful fighting artefact known! How can you possibly - ?

LYRIC
Know how to use it?

And he leaps at HERR KLAUSNER, Ystradebol forming in his hands and swinging down in an arc to be met with a clang by the axe, which expertly parries –

HERR KLAUSNER
Ja, Scribbler. I know.

LYRIC
Fucking A.

Scene the Meanwhile. In the computer room. FINESSE and THE GRAVEDIGGER are still fighting, CHRONAL is still working.

CHRONAL
Hooray! I'm in! I am so cool.

FINESSE
Yes, you are.

He blurs away again. THE GRAVEDIGGER charges at FINESSE, who leaps sideways and rolls, sticking out her right leg; he trips over it and lands heavily. They both leap up again at the same time, but she kicks him in the stomach - as he doubles over she knees him in the face. He swings a massive arm at her wildly, which she only just dodges in time, and then hooks her leg around the back of his knees and punches him in the face, toppling him.

Meanwhile, in CHRONAL'S point of view, 'Mr Blue Sky' by ELO is playing out of a sixth computer in the corner, on which Twitter is open on the home page of 'TheRealChronal'. The status has been updated to 'Gentlemen's Clubs are evil and a disgrace to men everywhere. Do not like.' He is typing on another computer, frowning slightly.

CHRONAL
Off-shore, eh? You are clever.

He looks across at another screen, and then back to his.

CHRONAL
Very clever. You've even registered that as a charity.

He pauses, and then smiles, not looking around.

CHRONAL
Honestly, little one. You said you didn't need my powers.

FINESSE
Eh, plans change. Missed you. Good song choice, by the way.

CHRONAL
Thank you.

FINESSE
How's it going at your end?

CHRONAL
You remember when I said it was a tough encryption?

FINESSE
Ah.

CHRONAL
It's even tougher inside. I've only just started, really, but so far I've not found a single thing SCEPTRE could be held accountable for. Every receipt is paid, every scrap of tax, their front organisations are registered charities - and ones that do actual good, too.

FINESSE
Check the phone bill. That's always how you uncover goings-on.

CHRONAL
Good idea! I'll give it a go.

FINESSE
Cracking. Could you throw me that spanner?

CHRONAL (pretending to sulk)
Oh, fine! God you're demanding. I'm trying to - oh.

He turns, spanner in hand, and sees that she is pinned to the floor under THE GRAVEDIGGER, who is inches away from landing on her with considerable force with his fingers wrapped around her throat. CHRONAL hands her the spanner.

CHRONAL
Need a hand?

FINESSE
Nah. I'm about to knee him in the balls.

CHRONAL
Good.

She begins swinging the spanner at THE GRAVEDIGGER's head while still in No-Time and starts returning to the present half-way through the swing. When she looks stationary to CHRONAL again the spanner is touching THE GRAVEDIGGER's temple, and his eyes are just starting to widen. CHRONAL smiles, and turns back to his computer.

CHRONAL
Right. The phone bill.

He types for a few moments, looks at the screen, and then jumps back to real time. Behind him, THE GRAVEDIGGER screams and then curls up, whimpering, as FINESSE stands.

FINESSE
And that's the closest he's ever been to a real live woman.

CHRONAL (into the comm)
Wraith? They called the DSA. They're coming for the Yūrei.



Scene the Meanwhile. WRAITH and YŪREI are standing in a room filled with electronics and GOONS. WRAITH is standing to one side, watching YŪREI fighting them all single-handedly with her samurai swords and occasionally drifting on air, like in Japanese kung-fu movies. He himself is moving from electrical equipment to electrical equipment, checking each to see what they are.

WRAITH
They called the DSA? Rebasses.

CHRONAL (on comm)
You'd think, but no. Their ETA is a minute and a half, and they're coming armed with as much technological might as they can bring.

WRAITH
Nads. But can't we just - ?

CHRONAL (on comm)
Whatever you're thinking, no. She's a wanted criminal in seventeen countries, regardless of our opinion of her. They can't know we've even smiled at her.

AMITY (on comm)
I don't think Wraith has smiled at her.

CHRONAL (on comm)
Tell her fast. They're closing in, and she has to go.

WRAITH
Yeah. Hey, Chink!

The last GOON falls, and YŪREI looks up, calmly resheathing her swords.

YŪREI
Gaijin?

WRAITH
A squad of losers with loads of scanners and that are coming for you. They'll be about -

CHRONAL (on comm)
One minute and fourteen seconds.

WRAITH
A minute and fourteen seconds, or something.

YŪREI
Then I must go. Thank you, Chronal.

WRAITH
Hey!

CHRONAL (on comm)
S'alright.

WRAITH
Loses. I think this is it, btw.

He points to a large panel on the wall, and makes it invisible. Inside, a smaller device with wires leading off it sits, thrumming with power. YŪREI smiles, and draws a sword.

YŪREI
I believe you are right, Gaijin. Stand back.

She swings the sword and the blade slices straight into the machine, carefully removing the inner core.

YŪREI
It will adapt beautifully to a gauntlet, I think. And then I can also punch with it.

WRAITH
Multi-function. Crumbly... but, good.

Scene the Meanwhile. FINESSE has handcuffed THE GRAVEDIGGER to a pillar with the spanner strapped to his chest. CHRONAL is typing furiously on the computers.

FINESSE
Good luck, Yūrei. Amity? Sit-rep?

AMITY (on comm)
Ooh, okay! Well, um, they're moving to Switzerland, eight of them have decided to go home and rethink their lives, Shift is in a vaguely euphoric post-fight place, Chronal really hates someone you're in the room with, Wraith is... um, fine, and I'm worried about Lyric.

SHIFT (on comm)
We all are.

FINESSE
True, but why right now specifically?

AMITY (on comm)
Because I'm relatively sure he's in a really heavy fight and he won't answer the comm.

Cut to -

Scene the Other. LYRIC is swordfighting like an absolute bad-ass, all swishy and cool and suave, against HERR KLAUSNER and the axe.


Cut back to -

FINESSE
Okay, you and -

CHRONAL
Right. We have an actual problem.

(beat)

No! I didn't mean it that way! I care about Lyric too!

FINESSE
No one's fooled.

AMITY (on comm)
I'm fooled.

FINESSE
Only Amity is fooled.

CHRONAL
There's no evidence, guys. There's only minor things and they all point exclusively to Herr Klausner, and there is nothing else.

FINESSE
What, at all?

CHRONAL
At all. Whoever SCEPTRE have, whoever manages their accounts and controls the admin...

Scene the Next. BRUCE is standing in the entrance hall, watching as the DSA people arrive in full gear, all black body armour and completely covered.

CHRONAL (v/o)
They're a genius.

BRUCE
Gentlemen -

He pauses, and sneers slightly.


BRUCE
And possibly ladies. Welcome to SCEPTRE, and thank you for coming. She's somewhere in the building.

DSA TEAM LEADER
Thanks for the call. We've set up a perimeter around the building, including the airspace above you, and we have eight teams here to infiltrate. Can you warn your men?

BRUCE
I already have. The Scribblers may be here somewhere, though.

DSA TEAM LEADER
Really? Good. We'll try to contact them.

He raises a communicator.

DSA TEAM LEADER
All units be advised, the Scribblers are in the building. Repeat: the Scribblers are in the building. Move in.

They run past BRUCE, who watches them enter and then takes out a communicator of his own.

BRUCE (quietly)
All units: avoid the Scribblers. Disengage. Except the empath. If you see her, take her out.

Scene the Next, back with FINESSE and CHRONAL.

FINESSE
Dammit. Right; Shift, you and I need to go and be diplomatic and grab a DSA person before anyone from SCEPTRE can talk to them too much. Amity, get to Lyric, find out what's going on. Where is he?

AMITY (on comm)
Above me. I'll triangulate and let you know properly. I don't think he's too bad yet, but it's pretty intense, whatever's going on.

FINESSE
Let Wraith know. Shift?

SHIFT (on comm)
On my way.

FINESSE
Chronal?

CHRONAL
I have just had the best idea!

FINESSE
Well, he's happy. Wraith, I want the Yūrei safely out of here and away.

WRAITH (on comm)
Yeah, on it. She has tricks, son.

FINESSE
She may need them.

Scene the Upstairs. AMITY is standing with her back to the wall in the corridor, her eyes closed and frowning slightly as though trying to hear a faint sound. She stays that way for a moment, ignoring the herd of GOONS who suddenly run past screaming while pursued by a leopard!SHIFT, and then blinks a few times before turning and hurrying down the corridor.

At the end is a door, which she steps through. Inside is what looks like a goon canteen, empty and deserted with other doors around it. AMITY moves to the middle and stops, concentrating again -

- and so doesn't see the squad of GOONS who quietly enter the room behind her. One grins, and pulls out a depowerer, and aims it at her -








FINESSE (on comm)
Hey. Welcome back.

AMITY
Thank you.

(beat)

Wait, how did you know I was... gone?

FINESSE (on comm)
Ah, young one. My power is your power. I can feel it when you're in touch.

AMITY
Really? Is it really obvious?

FINESSE (on comm)
It's a bit like a ticking clock. You don't even notice it's there until it stops.

AMITY
Oh, that's so lovely! Although, hang on. If you knew I'd been depowered why didn't you come to help?

FINESSE (on comm)
I'm sorry, did you really need it?

AMITY looks back at the prone carpet of GOONS.

AMITY
Hmm. It seems not.

FINESSE (on comm)
Quite. Now - Lyric?

AMITY
Ooh - on my way!

She springs lightly over a GOON and leaves. In the room behind her, another GOON groans, and falls off his chair.

Scene the Next. Look, author swap! The reader at home can enjoy noting the change in formatting and tone, if any. YŪREI preparing to leave, WRAITH watching.


WRAITH
Bye, loser.

YŪREI
Goodbye, Gaijin. Thank you for your help and your acceptance. I hope one day I can return the favour.

WRAITH
You could do some washing up, if you like.

YŪREI
Gaijin, I oppose men such as those in this building because they would have me give up my artefact-hunting adventures for such chores as washing up.

WRAITH
No, that wasn't a sexist thing! I was joking!

YŪREI
So was I. Maybe my humour is too sophisticated for you.

WRAITH
Baps.

YŪREI
Goodbye.
(beat)
Goodbye, Wraith.

And she jumps through a window! Shattering the glass.

Falling towards the ground -

- caught by one of the RED SAMURAI ROBOTS -

- part of an ARMY of robots -

- marching away from the building.

Yūrei is released, and controls the robots with the stolen mechanism.


WRAITH
I hope we don't regret giving her those.

Scene the Next. BRUCE leads the DSA SOLDIERS into the computer room. GEORGE is already there, frantically typing.


BRUCE
George?

GEORGE
I don't know what he's done! He's capped our salaries! He's made it impossible for us to earn more than 70% of our annual wages!

BRUCE
What? Who?

GEORGE
The ponce - the long-haired girly with the time travel gimmick! He's hardwired it into all our systems!

BRUCE
But why? With everything going on, why would he do that?!

Scene the Next. FINESSE and CHRONAL meet from opposite ends of a corridor.

CHRONAL
Okay, I'm done!

FINESSE
What did you do?

CHRONAL
Operation: Glass Ceiling is complete.

Scene the Next. BRUCE and the DSA SOLDIERS enter the robot control room.

BRUCE (muttering)
Women's wages! He gave us women's wages! Oh, when the revolution comes, he'll be first against the wall...

DSA GRUNT
This mess - was it like this before?

BRUCE
Was it - No, it wasn't like this before! This isn't how we keep it, you moron! What are we paying you government puppets? God, you need privatising.

He sees the broken window.

BRUCE (bitterly)
Well, she's gone then, hasn't she?

A FLY becomes SHIFT and WRAITH fades into view.

WRAITH
Change of plan.

SHIFT
Would anyone like the gossip on the real bad guys?

Scene the Next. Back with LYRIC and HERR KLAUSNER. They're still fighting, all swishy and flashy and suave. By now, most of the ambient furniture in the room is in pieces.

LYRIC
You know what the best thing about sword fights is?

HERR KLAUSNER
Alvays mit ze banter!

LYRIC
Then I'll tell you.

Suddenly,he thrusts forward!

Herr Klausner trips and lands on his face.


LYRIC
It's that I win.

But Klausner swing with the axe -

- and Lyric jumps to avoid him -

- giving Klausner time to jump back up -

- and swing again -

- deflected by the sword.


LYRIC
And banter's good.

Dodge!

Swing!


LYRIC
Because if I'm always talking, you won't expect it when I fishing net!

HERR KLAUSNER
Vha-

A FISHING NET weaves itself around Herr Klausner -

- who tries fighting it off -

- and Lyric hooks his sword under the axe-head -

- and hurls it across the room.


LYRIC
Right, just one thing -

He looks into the CCTV.

LYRIC
Chrone, if you're watching this, can you e-mail me a copy of the security tape? That wasn't half bad, that fight.

The doors open, and WRAITH and SHIFT lead BRUCE and the DSA SOLDIERS into the room.


BRUCE
Ah, good, you've got him.

He crosses the room to Klausner.

Whispers in his ear.


BRUCE (whisper)
It's over, sir. The work has to continue. I'm invoking Protocol Thirty-five.

The regret in Klausner's eyes.

His shoulders fall in resignation.

He puts a hand to his face.

Then slowly, he gets up.

Stands.


HERR KLAUSNER
You have caught me. And I know vhat zis means. Zere is too much evidence here - I vill not deny it. I have abused all that S.C.E.P.T.R.E stands for.

LYRIC (mutters)
Doesn't stand for anything, it's a fake acronym ...

BRUCE
I caught him out, you see. Called the Scribblers - just a shame it happened the same day a terrorist attacked our building.

SHIFT (sarcastically)
Yes, that is bad timing.

WRAITH
Dude, you're all evil. Except that Sergei guy, he was okay.

AMITY enters.

AMITY
Wow, tense room. Mmm, lovely tension. Lovely feelings.

LYRIC
They're pretending to be good, Amity. Tell them they're not.

AMITY
What? Oh, yeah, they're totally evil. Except Sergei. I liked him. He reads a lot.

BRUCE
We aren't evil! Lies like this, my dear, is why your mind-reading wouldn't hold up in court.

CHRONAL and FINESSE enter.

BRUCE
Thank you for your help, gentlemen of the DSA. Do take this criminal away, and I shall begin the process of rebuilding S.C.E.P.T.R.E. in my own, less criminal, image.

CHRONAL
That is the worst of news.

The Scribblers regroup.

The DSA lead Herr Klausner away.

Bruce picks up the axe with admiration.


Scene the Next. Walking down from the Trans-Jet bay into the Pit.

CHRONAL
Well, that was a rubbish day.

FINESSE
At least Herr Klausner's been arrested.

LYRIC
Yeah, but under Bruce, SCEPTRE's likely to be even worse.

AMITY
Maybe - but they don't have robots now.

SHIFT
They still have the axe.

CHRONAL
It's a complicated ending, to be sure.

AMITY
Doesn't feel like anyone got much out of it.

FINESSE
Well, it's a job. Sometimes you have a crap day at work. Anyway, it's time for us to celebrate Amity's birthday! Hey, Amity, go in first.

AMITY
Ooh, okay! Exciting!

She steps forward, beaming and pushes open the door into the main living area -

- and steps into a jungle. Plants and trees are everywhere, forming a maze of vegetation, with vines and creepers and such hanging from branches and the unseen ceiling. Exotic tropical birds fly about, and sing in the branches. A tree moves and something monkey-shaped disappears into the foliage. A 4 metre python slithers past.

AMITY steps inside, agape. The others follow.


SCRIBBLERS
Surprise!

AMITY
Oh my god!

CHRONAL
Do you like it? I so hope you like it...

AMITY
Oh my god!!! You made me a jungle?!?!

FINESSE
Well, no -

There is a rustle in the undergrowth and KAYLEIGH leaps out, brandishing a spear.

KAYLEIGH
Ha! There you - ! Oh, hey, plantos.

FINESSE
- she did.

LYRIC
And the animals are Shift's.

SHIFT
Well, they're old friends who fancied a bit of a change of scenery from the zoo.

AMITY
Oh my god!!!

KAYLEIGH
Yeah, although your tiger friend has tried to eat three monkeys and a Kayleigh.

SHIFT (darkly)
Has he now?

She transforms into a tiger and roars, long and loud. There is a pause, and then an answering, slightly abashed roar is heard somewhere near the kitchen. SHIFT transforms back.

SHIFT
He says sorry. I shan't bring him again, though. Can't take him anywhere.

WRAITH
Who? Lyric? Ha ha!

CHRONAL
To be fair, we probably shouldn't take Lyric places.

SHIFT
He picks entirely the wrong boy-bitch.

LYRIC
Hey! Three would totally have been worse.

KAYLEIGH
Ooh, you had a boy-bitch today?

AMITY
Oh my god you guys made me a jungle this is the best birthday ever!!!!!

FINESSE
Let's all go and get drunk.

WRAITH
To the embassy...

They all go and find a clearing, in which LYRIC sets up tents and a fire, and proceed to have a jolly good time filled with games and good humour.

They're just finishing a round of the Party Game when POST-MAN teleports into the room.


POST-MAN
Letter for Wraith.

SHIFT
... It's six in the evening!

POST-MAN
Instant delivery. It's my latest service! It's horrible. I have to get up at all hours. But I'm a single father with three children.

KAYLEIGH
You're making us uncomfortable, Post-Man. Please leave.

Post-Man leaves.

Wraith takes the letter and opens it.

It's an e-mail address.

"yurei74102@gmail.com"


Wraith smiles.

Scene the Next. The scene at the end of the credits that you waited to see, even though most people left the cinema because they thought it was over.

BRUCE is in a sealed room, alone, with the AXE on a table.


BRUCE
You've failed me again, Sergei. But no matter. One day, this axe will activate. And I will be waiting. Yes. One day, I will have my weapon, and I, Bruce, will rule the world! Ha! Hahaha! Mwahahahahahaha!

Pfft!

A dart hits him in the neck.


BRUCE
God, that's, ouch.

He falls forward to the table, eyes wide and unseeing, and breathes no more on account of being a dead, and in teleports a NINJA -

- who drops to the table -

- and lifts the axe.

The ninja examines it.

Close-up on the ninja's face, which is mostly covered. But uncovered - we can see silver skin.

Teleports out, with the axe.