The BBC presents:
"THE ROAD TO DOCTOR WHO"
by Steffan Alun
1. EXT. TV TOWERS - Day 1. 0800
Establishing shot - an impossibly tall skyscraper reaches far into the
red sky, beyond the green clouds.
CUT TO:
2. INT. PLOTS AND PLANS OFFICE - Day 1. 0800
BEVERLY KNIGHT (50s, stern, six foot six) is at her desk, writing.
Opposite her sits JEFF PAULSON (18, pimply, uncertain).
Knight finishes writing and puts down her pen.
KNIGHT
Talk to me Paulson. This had better be worth my time.
PAULSON
I done an idea, Ms Knight, and my friend Caitlin told me I should tell
you about it.
KNIGHT
Talk to me, Paulson!
PAULSON
Um, I am. Okay, I want to do a science fiction where there are two
teachers and they travel in time.
KNIGHT
That sounds boring.
PAULSON
One is a sexy man one.
KNIGHT
Okay.
PAULSON
And there will be a spaceship and that's how they travel.
KNIGHT
Will there be aliens?
PAULSON
No, aliens are shit. There will be an old man inventor who invented
the spaceship and he'll have an assistant like a magician.
KNIGHT
I like it. So, where do they travel?
PAULSON
They can go somewhere different every week, probably starting in
dinosaur times and working their way forward through time, and it will
be realistic as fuck.
KNIGHT
Sounds expensive.
PAULSON
We can sell it to schools, though, and make money back, and we'll see
if Terry Nation will let us use the Daleks for it.
KNIGHT
Okay, but if he insists we use Davros, he can fuck right off.
CUT TO:
3. EXT. FILMING FIELD - Day 2. 1200
The field is set up for exterior filming. A FILM CREW around the
place including director HARRIET FEATHERS (30s, short, short-haired,
short-tempered) and the actors JAMAICA JONES (20s, pretty, dirty
laugh) and JACK THE MAN (30s, sexy as fuck, charismatic).
FEATHERS
Alright, we're still rolling.
JAMAICA
Mr Peters! Look over there! It is an alien civilisation.
JACK
There's no such thing, Miss Winters. It must be your imagination.
JAMAICA
I don't have an imagination, Mr Peters. At least, not one good enough
to conjure up such images of majesty.
Shot of some upturned yoghurt pots.
JACK
We could go and check it out.
JAMAICA
Oh, but I'm scared. What if we meet those cavemen again?
JACK
Doctor Who killed them all, remember?
JAMAICA
So he claims. But can we really trust him? I mean, who is he? Doctor Who who?
FEATHERS
And cut! Brilliant, guys, take a fag break.
CUT TO:
4. INT. BRITAIN'S TOY SHOP - Day 3. 0900
The shop is packed with SHOPPERS, pushing and shoving and shouting.
Owner FRANK SHOPSON (50s, quiet, dying) is talking on camera to
journalist MIA FACE (40s, alert, played by Nick Briggs).
SHOPSON
It's these new Doctor Who toys. They've been flying off the shelf.
The talking Zomboid was miles more popular than expected - they flew
off the shelf - and the Trevor Baxendale books are flying off the
shelves.
MIA
It sounds like this new television TV show has been great for business.
SHOPSON
Oh, it's been smashing and a half. I've been able to eat steak every
day this week, and steak's not cheap here in the 60s.
MIA
What's your next idea for toys?
SHOPSON
I don't make them. But I think they should do a Doctor Who toy that
turns into a Cyberman because that would be a good plot twist for
children to do in their playing.
MIA
Sounds like you could be a writer for the good Doctor!
SHOPSON
Yes please.
CUT TO:
5. EXT/INT. WEMBLEY ARENA - Night 4. 2100
The arena is packed with PEOPLE.
WILLIAM "DOCTOR WHO" HARTNELL (50s, looks older than his years, wh-
look, he's William Hartnell, alright? You know what he's like.
Y'know. Like Richard Hurndall) walks onto the stage with a little mic
attached to his cheek. The crowd goes wild.
HARTNELL
Who the man?
Cheers.
HARTNELL
Alright, you little scallywags. Here is my announcement. I will be
returning for two special stories in September the 6th. And then ...
I will be stepping down as Doctor Who.
Cheers of dismay.
HARTNELL
But don't worry, because the moment has been prepared for. I will be
replaced by a new man, who will be every bit as good as me. And don't
tell him he's too young! You'll get used to him.
CUT TO:
6. INT. TARDIS - Day 5. 1200
Footage from the show - WILLIAM HARTNELL travelling with BENJAMIN
(sailor) and POLLYMIN (sailor).
HARTNELL
Oh, that Silurian shot me right in the heart.
POLLYMIN
Heart? How aren't you dead?
HARTNELL
Oh, well (a) I have two hearts and (b) I am dead.
Hartnell dies -
But transforms -
Into MATT SMITH.
SMITH
Legs! I've still got legs! Legs are cool.
BENJAMIN
What on earth?
SMITH
No! WHO on GALLIFREY!
On-screen Caption: THE END?
Showing posts with label Dr Who/Torchwood Fanfic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dr Who/Torchwood Fanfic. Show all posts
Friday, 10 August 2012
Friday, 27 May 2011
Doctor Who Series Six - How I hope The Lingering Plot Threads Resolve Themselves
I jokingly said I'd like to see this. Iceduck demanded its creation. So, in true LJ style (sorry, Blogger):
Title: How I Hope These Plot Threads Will Resolve Themselves
Author: Quoth the Raven
Pairings/Characters: The Doctor (Eleventh), Amy/Rory, Maybe!Baby
Word Count: 291
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Crack, PWP, character death, upsetting Maybe!Baby
There is a big, swirling vortex in the TARDIS, all blue and lightning-zappy and that. This has happened because of Plot. AMY and THE DOCTOR are both safely tethered to a back wall, but RORY is being sucked towards it, horizonal in the air, clinging to a hand rail. His tether was not attached, because of Plot.
RORY
I'm... slipping...
AMY
Rory! No!
DOCTOR
Hold on, Rory! The vortex will safely close in about ten seconds!
RORY
Why... in ten...?
DOCTOR
Oh, because of Plot, I don't know!
AMY
Hold on, Rory!
DOCTOR
Rory, hold on!
AMY
Keep holding on!
DOCTOR
Don't let go!
AMY
Keep holding on, Rory!
DOCTOR
Rory, keep not letting go!
RORY
Can't... bye, lolz...
AMY + DOCTOR
Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
He lets go and falls into the vortex, wearing the facial expression of a mildly stunned puppy. The vortex closes, and the DOCTOR and AMY fall back to the floor.
AMY
Noooo!!! He's dead! He can't be dead!!
DOCTOR
He's dead! This is terrible!
AMY
No! He can't be dead too!
DOCTOR
He can't die yet! His responsibilities!
AMY
But Doctor, you're going to die too! We seen it! When you're 200 years older!
DOCTOR
What? But you're pregnant or maybe not! All I do in my spare time is scan you and I can't tell still!
AMY
You can't both die!
DOCTOR
You can't do pregnancy alone or not!
They cry and hug.
DOCTOR
I don't want to die!
AMY
I don't want to be pregnant maybe!
DOCTOR
Let's never keep stuff from each other again!
AMY
Okay!
They cry. Cut to credits, then continue to next episode where they go on a jolly trip to a living panda planet rather than dealing with their problems.
Fin.
Title: How I Hope These Plot Threads Will Resolve Themselves
Author: Quoth the Raven
Pairings/Characters: The Doctor (Eleventh), Amy/Rory, Maybe!Baby
Word Count: 291
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Crack, PWP, character death, upsetting Maybe!Baby
There is a big, swirling vortex in the TARDIS, all blue and lightning-zappy and that. This has happened because of Plot. AMY and THE DOCTOR are both safely tethered to a back wall, but RORY is being sucked towards it, horizonal in the air, clinging to a hand rail. His tether was not attached, because of Plot.
RORY
I'm... slipping...
AMY
Rory! No!
DOCTOR
Hold on, Rory! The vortex will safely close in about ten seconds!
RORY
Why... in ten...?
DOCTOR
Oh, because of Plot, I don't know!
AMY
Hold on, Rory!
DOCTOR
Rory, hold on!
AMY
Keep holding on!
DOCTOR
Don't let go!
AMY
Keep holding on, Rory!
DOCTOR
Rory, keep not letting go!
RORY
Can't... bye, lolz...
AMY + DOCTOR
Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
He lets go and falls into the vortex, wearing the facial expression of a mildly stunned puppy. The vortex closes, and the DOCTOR and AMY fall back to the floor.
AMY
Noooo!!! He's dead! He can't be dead!!
DOCTOR
He's dead! This is terrible!
AMY
No! He can't be dead too!
DOCTOR
He can't die yet! His responsibilities!
AMY
But Doctor, you're going to die too! We seen it! When you're 200 years older!
DOCTOR
What? But you're pregnant or maybe not! All I do in my spare time is scan you and I can't tell still!
AMY
You can't both die!
DOCTOR
You can't do pregnancy alone or not!
They cry and hug.
DOCTOR
I don't want to die!
AMY
I don't want to be pregnant maybe!
DOCTOR
Let's never keep stuff from each other again!
AMY
Okay!
They cry. Cut to credits, then continue to next episode where they go on a jolly trip to a living panda planet rather than dealing with their problems.
Fin.
Friday, 15 February 2008
Countrycide: The Shooting Script
Shooting Script for Countrycide
Transcribed by Steffan H Alun
1 EXT. DARK LANE. Night.
A WOMAN is driving alone. She sees a body on the road. She gets out of the car, and takes a baseball bat, because she's clever. She then leaves the keys in the car and the door wide open. Did I say she was clever? I meant to say she's an absolute tool. She examines the body. It's not real. She goes back to the car, and the keys have gone. She tries locking the door, because she's an absolute tool. The doors are immediately unlocked again. Something enters the car. She dies. And she deserves this for being an absolute tool.
2 EXT. BRECON BEACONS. Morning.
JACK, GWEN, IANTO, OWEN and TOSHIKO are chillin'.
IANTO: Want a burger, Tosh?
TOSHIKO: NO!!!
IANTO: Why not?
TOSHIKO: Because the writers have realised they still haven't given me a personality. So now I hate burgers.
OWEN: Fortunately, I have a personality. I'm from London, so I hate grass.
IANTO: Makes sense.
JACK: Okay, guys. We're here because some people have died. Might be aliens, which would mean that the rift is spreading.
GWEN: Spreading? But that means ...
JACK: That's right. It means that bigger threats could get through, leading to an absolutely amazing Episode Thirteen where we go all out, mano-a-alien, all over the country.
GWEN: Bring it on.
JACK: Quite.
3 EXT. FIELD. Next.
The gang are setting camp. Toshiko makes a sexual joke. Nobody laughs. Nobody watching, anyway.
GWEN: Let's play a game. Who did everyone snog last?
OWEN: Gwen. Don't you think that, by using the word "snog", you've undermined this programme's status as grown-up television, and made it even more chidlish than Doctor Who?
GWEN: Well, yes.
OWEN: As long as you know.
GWEN: Mine was Rhys, my amazing, wonderful, fun, forgiving, long-suffering awesome boyfriend of awesomeness.
JACK: Yeah. He's awesome.
The gang pause for a moment to think about Rhys and how amazing and lovely he is.
TOSHIKO: Mine was Owen. I still secretly fancy him. See? I have a personality.
JACK: Mine was the Doct-
GWEN: You're not allowed to talk about him in this show, Jack.
JACK: Soz. I just miss being all cool and having cool things to say and do. I get resurrected by BadWolf!Rose, and this is where I end up. Using the word "snog" in Brecon.
OWEN: Anyway ... Mine was Gwen.
TOSHIKO: OMG, WTF? When?
OWEN: When we were about to be killed by Ianto's freaky Cybergirlfriend.
IANTO: Mine was with Lisa.
Everyone goes quiet.
IANTO: You all forgot. Even though Owen was just talking about it. You all forgot about my freaky Cybergirlfriend!
Ianto cries.
GWEN: I'm going to the forest to avoid Ianto.
OWEN: I'm going with her to emotionally abuse her.
4 EXT. FOREST. Next.
GWEN and OWEN are walking.
GWEN: You shouldn't have told them.
OWEN: You were the one who started the game, you psycho.
GWEN: Yeah, well. You smell.
OWEN: And you have a rubbish sex life.
Gwen gives him a Chinese burn and spits in his eyes.
OWEN: Well, you do.
Gwen kicks him in the shins and fills his pants with fire ants.
OWEN: You want to have sex with me.
Gwen goes to kiss him because she's an absolute slag. There's not even an alien phermone/end of life excuse this time. She's just being a slag. Suddenly, they see a body without skin.
GWEN: That must be an alien. I mean, this is a sci-fi programme. It'd be rubbish if it wasn't an alien, wouldn't it?
OWEN: Yes. Yes it would.
5 EXT. CAMP SITE. Next.
The Torchwood car is driving around and smashing the tents, before disappearing into the distance. OWEN and GWEN arrive.
GWEN: Haunted car? Must be alien then.
JACK: Well, yes. It'd be rubbish if it was just some guy in our car.
OWEN: Yes. Yes it would.
6 EXT. VILLAGE. Later.
The gang have come to seek a place to stay.
JACK: We'd better split up.
IANTO: Why?
JACK: Because it's tricky to write for five characters at once.
IANTO: Is that why Gwen and Owen went into the forest?
JACK: Yes.
IANTO: And why we're the only ones talking, even though the others are here too?
JACK: Yes. Now, silence. You and Toshiko go look for the car.
IANTO: Why us?
JACK: Because you two haven't had a scene alone yet.
IANTO: Fair enough.
7 INT. PUB. Next.
JACK, OWEN and GWEN enter the pub. It's empty.
JACK: No locals?
GWEN: Maybe they've been killed.
JACK: Or maybe they're the killers.
GWEN: Possibly, but that'd be rubbish.
OWEN: Yes. Yes it would.
Gwen goes into the kitchen. She finds a body. She vomits for seventeen hours. There's a sound from outside, and Jack and Gwen run from the pub. With big guns.
8 EXT. VILLAGE. Next.
JACK and GWEN have the aforementioned big guns drawn.
GWEN: Nothing here. What do we do?
JACK: We'll go inside that house.
GWEN: Why?
JACK: The ceaseless march of the plot, Gwenhwyfar!
GWEN: "Gwen" isn't short for anything.
JACK: Yes it is.
9 INT. RANDOM POINTLESS HOUSE. Next.
JACK and GWEN burst in. The house is full of blood and guts. And now vomit, thank you very much, Gwen.
GWEN: This house is random.
JACK: Yes. And pointless.
GWEN: I wish I was at home with Rhys.
JACK: You say that, but you did almost kiss Owen, you slag.
GWEN: How do you even know that?
JACK: Slag.
GWEN: That doesn't-
JACK: Slag.
GWEN: Stop doing-
JACK: Slag.
Gwen sees another body.
GWEN: Whatever did this can't be human.
JACK: Of course not. That'd be rubbish.
OWEN enters.
OWEN: Yes. Yes it would.
OWEN leaves.
10 EXT. VILLAGE. Next.
IANTO and TOSHIKO are doing something vaguely sci-fi with a tracker, but the tracker is actually a prop from the first episode, so it doesn't count as a cool new toy. There's a sound. Toshiko runs one way, Ianto the other, all the way around the house. Suddenly, Toshiko sees something, and shoots. It's Ianto.
TOSHIKO: Schoolboy error.
IANTO: You're an idiot who can't act, Toshiko.
Ianto turns around.
IANTO: Now, I'll just look in this direction for a moment ... And now I'll turn back.
Toshiko is gone.
IANTO: OMG. On the plus side, this confirms that the killer is alien, since NO HUMAN BEING COULD SILENTLY APPROACH AND KIDNAP ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. Are you listening, Chibnall?
11 EXT. VILLAGE. Next.
GWEN and JACK try another door. Gwen gets shot. It isn't stupid Toshiko this time, though. It's a random character. I won't bore you with the details. Owen starts operating on Gwen.
JACK: I'm worried about Ianto and Tosh.
OWEN: They'll be fine.
RANDOM CHARACTER: So JACK is WORRIED, and OWEN thinks it's FINE.
OWEN: Yes. Why do you ask?
RANDOM CHARACTER: Keeping track of the plot. And by the way, they're probably dead.
JACK: They wouldn't kill off two main characters. Or even one, in fact. Except Susie, but with a name like Susie Costello, she was never going to last.
RANDOM CHARACTER: Anyway. The killer can't be human.
OWEN: Of course not. That'd be rubbish.
OWEN: Yes. Yes it would.
JACK: ... Why are you talking to yourself?
12 INT. CELLAR. Next.
IANTO and TOSHIKO are imprisoned.
IANTO: We're deep underground. We'll never get out.
TOSHIKO: There's never been a cell I couldn't get out of.
IANTO: Are they still trying to give you a personality?
TOSHIKO: Sort of.
IANTO: Doesn't work.
Suddenly, for LITERALLY NO REASON, Ianto is very angry.
IANTO: YOU ENJOY THIS, DON'T YOU?!
TOSHIKO: IT'S WORTH THE RISK TO PROTECT PEOPLE!!
IANTO: WHO PROTECTS US?!
TOSHIKO: WHY ARE WE SO ANGRY?!
IANTO: BECAUSE NOBODY'S BEEN ANGRY IN THIS EPISODE YET!!
TOSHIKO: I'm hungry.
She opens the fridge.
TOSHIKO: Shame. Nothing but feet.
13 INT. PUB. Night.
JACK, GWEN, OWEN and RANDOM CHARACTER are in the pub.
OWEN: I'm worried about Toshiko and Ianto.
JACK: They can take care of themselves.
RANDOM CHARACTER: Aha! So now OWEN is WORRIED and JACK thinks it's FINE!
JACK: Who are you, the continuity police?
RANDOM CHARACTER: Yes.
JACK: Oh.
GWEN: Anyway. Random Character's life is our main priority.
OWEN: How come?
GWEN: Because they don't kill off main characters.
JACK: Dude, I've died, like, four times.
Suddenly, there are people/aliens there. They take Random Character, of course.
JACK: We need to split up again! Two sets of two means twice the scenes. Owen, you go after Random Character.
OWEN: Why me?
JACK: Because you're a home-wrecking rapist.
OWEN: Fair enough.
14 INT. CELLAR. Next.
TOSHIKO and IANTO are bored. PSYCHO 2 enters.
PSYCHO 2: Hello. I'm a psy- I mean, a nurse.
IANTO: Liar.
PSYCHO 2: Yeah, well.
TOSHIKO: Here's a list of everyone who's here, their weaknesses, addresses and dental records.
PSYCHO 2: Thanks, dearie. Anyway, you're just in time for the harvest.
IANTO: That sounds cool and sci-fi-y.
PSYCHO 2: Trust me, it really isn't.
15 INT. PUB CELLAR. Next.
JACK meets an IDIOT.
JACK: Tell me what I need to know.
IDIOT: Get me help!
Jack punches him in the ear and cripples his nipples.
JACK: Tell me.
IDIOT: You don't know. HAHAHAHAHA!
Jack decimates his teeth and rips up all his receipts for the financial year.
JACK: Tell me.
IDIOT: Please. Stop!
Jack dislocates his thumbs and writes the word "gay" on his forehead.
IDIOT: I'll talk.
JACK: At last.
IDIOT: As long as I can do it in another scene.
JACK: Dammit.
16 EXT. ROAD. Next.
OWEN and GWEN meet a policeman named PSYCHO 3. Although when Gwen went after Owen, I can't recall.
PSYCHO 3: Let's skip the cryptic talking and go straight to me fooling you.
OWEN: Alright, but you'd better be an alien, and not just a psycho.
17 INT. PSYCHO HOUSE. Next.
PSYCHO 2 leads TOSHIKO and IANTO inside. She kisses PSYCHO 1, the psychoest psycho who ever did psycho. They have Random Character, obviously. There's a fight, PSYCHO 3, GWEN and OWEN turn up, it's all very tedious. JACK arrives in a tractor and shoots some pink bullets around, and at this point, even the director gives up trying to make this good.
18 INT. PSYCHO HOUSE. Later.
GWEN talks to PSYCHO 1.
GWEN: Why did you do it?
PSYCHO 1: I'll tell you in three more lines.
GWEN: What? Just tell me why.
PSYCHO 1: Will do. Just give me two more lines.
GWEN: Talk, you freak.
PSYCHO 1: One more.
GWEN: Why won't you answer me?
PSYCHO 1: Alright. Because it made me happy.
Gwen rips off his middle finger and inverts his navel.
GWEN: That's for trying and failing to be enigmatic.
She storms out. OWEN storms in. He splits Psycho 1's tounge with a scalpel and restricts the blood supply to his elbows.
OWEN: And that's for not being an alien.
19 INT. OWEN'S BEDROOM OF FILTH. Later.
OWEN and GWEN sleep together, like the rapist and slag (respectively) that they are.
GWEN: I had a bad day at work. Shame.
OWEN: But that's alright. Because you've had an adulterous relationship, ruined Rhys's life, made everyone at home lose all respect for you, wrecked any moral grounding this programme ever had, brough shame upon Doctor Who's good name, and actually managed to commit a crime even BIGGER than having no sci-fi in a sci-fi show.
GWEN: I suck.
OWEN: Yes. Yes you do.
THE END
Transcribed by Steffan H Alun
1 EXT. DARK LANE. Night.
A WOMAN is driving alone. She sees a body on the road. She gets out of the car, and takes a baseball bat, because she's clever. She then leaves the keys in the car and the door wide open. Did I say she was clever? I meant to say she's an absolute tool. She examines the body. It's not real. She goes back to the car, and the keys have gone. She tries locking the door, because she's an absolute tool. The doors are immediately unlocked again. Something enters the car. She dies. And she deserves this for being an absolute tool.
2 EXT. BRECON BEACONS. Morning.
JACK, GWEN, IANTO, OWEN and TOSHIKO are chillin'.
IANTO: Want a burger, Tosh?
TOSHIKO: NO!!!
IANTO: Why not?
TOSHIKO: Because the writers have realised they still haven't given me a personality. So now I hate burgers.
OWEN: Fortunately, I have a personality. I'm from London, so I hate grass.
IANTO: Makes sense.
JACK: Okay, guys. We're here because some people have died. Might be aliens, which would mean that the rift is spreading.
GWEN: Spreading? But that means ...
JACK: That's right. It means that bigger threats could get through, leading to an absolutely amazing Episode Thirteen where we go all out, mano-a-alien, all over the country.
GWEN: Bring it on.
JACK: Quite.
3 EXT. FIELD. Next.
The gang are setting camp. Toshiko makes a sexual joke. Nobody laughs. Nobody watching, anyway.
GWEN: Let's play a game. Who did everyone snog last?
OWEN: Gwen. Don't you think that, by using the word "snog", you've undermined this programme's status as grown-up television, and made it even more chidlish than Doctor Who?
GWEN: Well, yes.
OWEN: As long as you know.
GWEN: Mine was Rhys, my amazing, wonderful, fun, forgiving, long-suffering awesome boyfriend of awesomeness.
JACK: Yeah. He's awesome.
The gang pause for a moment to think about Rhys and how amazing and lovely he is.
TOSHIKO: Mine was Owen. I still secretly fancy him. See? I have a personality.
JACK: Mine was the Doct-
GWEN: You're not allowed to talk about him in this show, Jack.
JACK: Soz. I just miss being all cool and having cool things to say and do. I get resurrected by BadWolf!Rose, and this is where I end up. Using the word "snog" in Brecon.
OWEN: Anyway ... Mine was Gwen.
TOSHIKO: OMG, WTF? When?
OWEN: When we were about to be killed by Ianto's freaky Cybergirlfriend.
IANTO: Mine was with Lisa.
Everyone goes quiet.
IANTO: You all forgot. Even though Owen was just talking about it. You all forgot about my freaky Cybergirlfriend!
Ianto cries.
GWEN: I'm going to the forest to avoid Ianto.
OWEN: I'm going with her to emotionally abuse her.
4 EXT. FOREST. Next.
GWEN and OWEN are walking.
GWEN: You shouldn't have told them.
OWEN: You were the one who started the game, you psycho.
GWEN: Yeah, well. You smell.
OWEN: And you have a rubbish sex life.
Gwen gives him a Chinese burn and spits in his eyes.
OWEN: Well, you do.
Gwen kicks him in the shins and fills his pants with fire ants.
OWEN: You want to have sex with me.
Gwen goes to kiss him because she's an absolute slag. There's not even an alien phermone/end of life excuse this time. She's just being a slag. Suddenly, they see a body without skin.
GWEN: That must be an alien. I mean, this is a sci-fi programme. It'd be rubbish if it wasn't an alien, wouldn't it?
OWEN: Yes. Yes it would.
5 EXT. CAMP SITE. Next.
The Torchwood car is driving around and smashing the tents, before disappearing into the distance. OWEN and GWEN arrive.
GWEN: Haunted car? Must be alien then.
JACK: Well, yes. It'd be rubbish if it was just some guy in our car.
OWEN: Yes. Yes it would.
6 EXT. VILLAGE. Later.
The gang have come to seek a place to stay.
JACK: We'd better split up.
IANTO: Why?
JACK: Because it's tricky to write for five characters at once.
IANTO: Is that why Gwen and Owen went into the forest?
JACK: Yes.
IANTO: And why we're the only ones talking, even though the others are here too?
JACK: Yes. Now, silence. You and Toshiko go look for the car.
IANTO: Why us?
JACK: Because you two haven't had a scene alone yet.
IANTO: Fair enough.
7 INT. PUB. Next.
JACK, OWEN and GWEN enter the pub. It's empty.
JACK: No locals?
GWEN: Maybe they've been killed.
JACK: Or maybe they're the killers.
GWEN: Possibly, but that'd be rubbish.
OWEN: Yes. Yes it would.
Gwen goes into the kitchen. She finds a body. She vomits for seventeen hours. There's a sound from outside, and Jack and Gwen run from the pub. With big guns.
8 EXT. VILLAGE. Next.
JACK and GWEN have the aforementioned big guns drawn.
GWEN: Nothing here. What do we do?
JACK: We'll go inside that house.
GWEN: Why?
JACK: The ceaseless march of the plot, Gwenhwyfar!
GWEN: "Gwen" isn't short for anything.
JACK: Yes it is.
9 INT. RANDOM POINTLESS HOUSE. Next.
JACK and GWEN burst in. The house is full of blood and guts. And now vomit, thank you very much, Gwen.
GWEN: This house is random.
JACK: Yes. And pointless.
GWEN: I wish I was at home with Rhys.
JACK: You say that, but you did almost kiss Owen, you slag.
GWEN: How do you even know that?
JACK: Slag.
GWEN: That doesn't-
JACK: Slag.
GWEN: Stop doing-
JACK: Slag.
Gwen sees another body.
GWEN: Whatever did this can't be human.
JACK: Of course not. That'd be rubbish.
OWEN enters.
OWEN: Yes. Yes it would.
OWEN leaves.
10 EXT. VILLAGE. Next.
IANTO and TOSHIKO are doing something vaguely sci-fi with a tracker, but the tracker is actually a prop from the first episode, so it doesn't count as a cool new toy. There's a sound. Toshiko runs one way, Ianto the other, all the way around the house. Suddenly, Toshiko sees something, and shoots. It's Ianto.
TOSHIKO: Schoolboy error.
IANTO: You're an idiot who can't act, Toshiko.
Ianto turns around.
IANTO: Now, I'll just look in this direction for a moment ... And now I'll turn back.
Toshiko is gone.
IANTO: OMG. On the plus side, this confirms that the killer is alien, since NO HUMAN BEING COULD SILENTLY APPROACH AND KIDNAP ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. Are you listening, Chibnall?
11 EXT. VILLAGE. Next.
GWEN and JACK try another door. Gwen gets shot. It isn't stupid Toshiko this time, though. It's a random character. I won't bore you with the details. Owen starts operating on Gwen.
JACK: I'm worried about Ianto and Tosh.
OWEN: They'll be fine.
RANDOM CHARACTER: So JACK is WORRIED, and OWEN thinks it's FINE.
OWEN: Yes. Why do you ask?
RANDOM CHARACTER: Keeping track of the plot. And by the way, they're probably dead.
JACK: They wouldn't kill off two main characters. Or even one, in fact. Except Susie, but with a name like Susie Costello, she was never going to last.
RANDOM CHARACTER: Anyway. The killer can't be human.
OWEN: Of course not. That'd be rubbish.
OWEN: Yes. Yes it would.
JACK: ... Why are you talking to yourself?
12 INT. CELLAR. Next.
IANTO and TOSHIKO are imprisoned.
IANTO: We're deep underground. We'll never get out.
TOSHIKO: There's never been a cell I couldn't get out of.
IANTO: Are they still trying to give you a personality?
TOSHIKO: Sort of.
IANTO: Doesn't work.
Suddenly, for LITERALLY NO REASON, Ianto is very angry.
IANTO: YOU ENJOY THIS, DON'T YOU?!
TOSHIKO: IT'S WORTH THE RISK TO PROTECT PEOPLE!!
IANTO: WHO PROTECTS US?!
TOSHIKO: WHY ARE WE SO ANGRY?!
IANTO: BECAUSE NOBODY'S BEEN ANGRY IN THIS EPISODE YET!!
TOSHIKO: I'm hungry.
She opens the fridge.
TOSHIKO: Shame. Nothing but feet.
13 INT. PUB. Night.
JACK, GWEN, OWEN and RANDOM CHARACTER are in the pub.
OWEN: I'm worried about Toshiko and Ianto.
JACK: They can take care of themselves.
RANDOM CHARACTER: Aha! So now OWEN is WORRIED and JACK thinks it's FINE!
JACK: Who are you, the continuity police?
RANDOM CHARACTER: Yes.
JACK: Oh.
GWEN: Anyway. Random Character's life is our main priority.
OWEN: How come?
GWEN: Because they don't kill off main characters.
JACK: Dude, I've died, like, four times.
Suddenly, there are people/aliens there. They take Random Character, of course.
JACK: We need to split up again! Two sets of two means twice the scenes. Owen, you go after Random Character.
OWEN: Why me?
JACK: Because you're a home-wrecking rapist.
OWEN: Fair enough.
14 INT. CELLAR. Next.
TOSHIKO and IANTO are bored. PSYCHO 2 enters.
PSYCHO 2: Hello. I'm a psy- I mean, a nurse.
IANTO: Liar.
PSYCHO 2: Yeah, well.
TOSHIKO: Here's a list of everyone who's here, their weaknesses, addresses and dental records.
PSYCHO 2: Thanks, dearie. Anyway, you're just in time for the harvest.
IANTO: That sounds cool and sci-fi-y.
PSYCHO 2: Trust me, it really isn't.
15 INT. PUB CELLAR. Next.
JACK meets an IDIOT.
JACK: Tell me what I need to know.
IDIOT: Get me help!
Jack punches him in the ear and cripples his nipples.
JACK: Tell me.
IDIOT: You don't know. HAHAHAHAHA!
Jack decimates his teeth and rips up all his receipts for the financial year.
JACK: Tell me.
IDIOT: Please. Stop!
Jack dislocates his thumbs and writes the word "gay" on his forehead.
IDIOT: I'll talk.
JACK: At last.
IDIOT: As long as I can do it in another scene.
JACK: Dammit.
16 EXT. ROAD. Next.
OWEN and GWEN meet a policeman named PSYCHO 3. Although when Gwen went after Owen, I can't recall.
PSYCHO 3: Let's skip the cryptic talking and go straight to me fooling you.
OWEN: Alright, but you'd better be an alien, and not just a psycho.
17 INT. PSYCHO HOUSE. Next.
PSYCHO 2 leads TOSHIKO and IANTO inside. She kisses PSYCHO 1, the psychoest psycho who ever did psycho. They have Random Character, obviously. There's a fight, PSYCHO 3, GWEN and OWEN turn up, it's all very tedious. JACK arrives in a tractor and shoots some pink bullets around, and at this point, even the director gives up trying to make this good.
18 INT. PSYCHO HOUSE. Later.
GWEN talks to PSYCHO 1.
GWEN: Why did you do it?
PSYCHO 1: I'll tell you in three more lines.
GWEN: What? Just tell me why.
PSYCHO 1: Will do. Just give me two more lines.
GWEN: Talk, you freak.
PSYCHO 1: One more.
GWEN: Why won't you answer me?
PSYCHO 1: Alright. Because it made me happy.
Gwen rips off his middle finger and inverts his navel.
GWEN: That's for trying and failing to be enigmatic.
She storms out. OWEN storms in. He splits Psycho 1's tounge with a scalpel and restricts the blood supply to his elbows.
OWEN: And that's for not being an alien.
19 INT. OWEN'S BEDROOM OF FILTH. Later.
OWEN and GWEN sleep together, like the rapist and slag (respectively) that they are.
GWEN: I had a bad day at work. Shame.
OWEN: But that's alright. Because you've had an adulterous relationship, ruined Rhys's life, made everyone at home lose all respect for you, wrecked any moral grounding this programme ever had, brough shame upon Doctor Who's good name, and actually managed to commit a crime even BIGGER than having no sci-fi in a sci-fi show.
GWEN: I suck.
OWEN: Yes. Yes you do.
THE END
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