Sunday 12 December 2010

Scribblers: Ghostwritten

Hooray, first Scribblers collaboration! Structured and partly written by Iceduck, mostly written by me. Also written so that Iceduck will actually bother to finish Kyle, hopefully, and by the way, the cottage is his idea.

But, most importantly, written for a certain someone's birthday. Enjoy!



Scribblers: Ghostwritten

Issue the First.

Scene the First . A big ugly building, looking like it was designed and built by someone who had a really romanticised idea of 'old architecture' and had seen a picture of Gormenghast but only had experience with office buildings, on the edge of Dinas. It has its own observatory as well. And it's on a slight hill that overlooks a forest. We're inside it, though.


The room looks like a lab adapted to observe just one thing; it's circular, with most of the room taken up by seats behind reinforced glass surrounding a central table, on which an axe is lying. Cameras and sensors are monitoring it, the data feeds displayed on a big bank of monitors against the back wall. MANY MEN, all wearing the same antiquated frock coats, are leaning eagerly against the glass and steaming it up. They each have a different national flag on one sleeve, and a fancy sigil with the letters S.C.E.P.T.R.E. emblazoned across the other..

GERMAN FLAGGED MAN
At last, at last! Ze hour is so close!

AUSTRALIAN FLAGGED MAN
What are the readings?

By the monitors a man wearing a lab coat over his frock coat and a Russian flag is busy scribbling on a clipboard. He looks up, nervously.

RUSSIAN FLAGGED SCIENTIST
Good, good. Um. Up two chundred percent, ve still predict rise, yes? Um -

AUSTRALIAN-FLAGGED MAN (muttered to himself)
Two hundred percent? Two hundred. Why, with an axe like that I could - dare I say it - rule the world...

GERMAN-FLAGGED MAN
Vhat vas zat?

AUSTRALIAN-FLAGGED "DUDE"
Nothing, sir.

GERMAN-FLAGGED MAN
Ah, ve are so close, Bruce! So close! Our predecessors vaited centuries for zis day! Vun thousand years, and here ve are! Ve may even miss breakfast! Somevun call Jurgen, tell him to postpone ze hot meals...

RUSSIAN-FLAGGED SCIENTIST
Oy. Sirs? If I may...?

BRUCE
What d'you think it'll do? When it activates?

GERMAN LEADER FELLOW
Produce power ze like of vhich ve haff never seen before!

BRUCE (muttered to himself)
Power... yes, that's the thing...

GERMAN LEADER FELLOW
Bruce? Are you speaking?

BRUCE
No, no... Just a cough...

GERMAN LEADER FELLOW
Vell, get it seen to, Bruce, ve don't vant your germs. Do you vant his germs, Sergei?

RUSSIAN SCIENTIST CALLED SERGEI
Er... nyet. Er... maybe ve chave little problem?

GERMAN LEADER FELLOW
Nonsense! Ten seconds! Everyvun, let's count down! Ten!

SERGEI
Er...

GERMAN LEADER FELLOW
Nine!

BRUCE
Maybe a bomb...

GERMAN LEADER FELLOW
Eight!

BRUCE
Or mind control, mass mind control...

GERMAN LEADER FELLOW
Seven! Join in, Bruce, six!

BRUCE
Six.

SERGEI
Oy.

GERMAN LEADER FELLOW
Five! Four! Three! Two! Vun! And - !

And the axe -

- does nothing at all. SERGEI sighs quietly and makes a sad note on his clipboard. The others stare at the axe for a few moments silently.

ENGLISH-FLAGGED FELLOW
Perhaps... it was forged in an afternoon?

SERGEI
Nyet. All poems are very specific - it vas forged in morning. But -

BRUCE (muttered)
My beautiful dreams...

GERMAN LEADER TYPE
But... but vhat happened, Sergei? Vhy has it not activated?

SERGEI
I tried to tell you, Sér. There is confusion with proper calendar.

GERMAN LEADER TYPE
Vhat?

SERGEI
Vell, different calendar systems exist. Vhen axe vas created most of vorld vas on Julian calendar, but then svitched to Gregorian calendar, because Julian vas eleven minutes too long. Islamic calendar is based on moon, and Japanese -

GERMAN LEADER TYPE
Yes, yes Sergei, I am getting ze fact of ze inefficient system. Scheiser... Very vell. Tell me your terrible news, zhat I may hear it and be disappointed.

SERGEI
Vell, ve chave narrowed it down to about six dates, Sér. Um... today vas one, and then Friday, December 15th, July 26th in two years...

BRUCE
And the other two?

SERGEI
Er... last Tuesday. Or... er... 1683.

There is a pause.

SERGEI (fakely brightly)
But ve are confident it vas neither of those!

There is another pause, and then GERMAN LEADER MAN spins on his heel and marches to the door, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand and fanning himself with the other. BRUCE gives the axe one last look and hurriedly follows.

GERMAN LEADER MAN
Ach. Zis vhould not haff happened in Germany. Very vell, very vell, Friday it is, ve can only hope. Jurgen? Send down ze hot meals. Ve vill eat now.

BRUCE
The world will just have to wait a few more days for the Fourth Reich, eh?

GERMAN LEADER MAN (glaring)
You know, Bruce, I know you mean as joke, but some days you can be very hurtful.

Suddenly, the door bursts open just before they reach it and a GRUNT comes running in, carrying a print-out and looking frantic. He spies the GERMAN LEADER TYPE and runs up to him, and then stops dead to execute the longest and most insane secret handshake in the world. There is a pause as they get on with it.

GRUNT
Herr Klausner! We -

GERMAN LEADER CALLED HERR KLAUSNER
Hang on, hang on, I haven't qvite finished mit ze fiddly bit mit ze fingers...

GRUNT
Oh.

There is another pause, as HERR KLAUSNER and the GRUNT finish the fiddly bit mit the fingers. BRUCE looks at the axe, and drools a bit.

HERR KLAUSNER
Very vell, very vell. Vhat is it you vant, young grunt?

GRUNT
Herr Klausner! We have finished testing Dr Baryshnikov's border sensor -

HERR KLAUSNER
And you come to me? Ach. In Germany ve understand correct chains of command...

GRUNT
It picked something up, sir! Crossing the border! At five thousand feet!

Suddenly, everyone in the room is paying attention, staring at the GRUNT in horror.

HERR KLAUSNER
Mein gott! Not -?

GRUNT
It's a cottage!

He holds up the print out, upon which we can clearly see a flying cottage. No, I don't get it, either. The men in the room do, though - suddenly they are all gasping and throwing their hands about and reeling. BRUCE grabs the picture and examines it for a moment.

HERR KLAUSNER
Tell me, Bruce, I cannot bear to look...

BRUCE
The plaque over the door?

HERR KLAUSNER
Ze plaque over ze door.

BRUCE
'Home is where the happy memories grow.' It's her, sir.

HERR KLAUSNER
Nein!

ENGLISH-FLAGGED FELLOW
We're doomed! Another venture, doomed to failure! Woe!

BRUCE
Or... perhaps not.

ENGLISH-FLAGGED FELLOW
Of course we are! She will definitely steal our axe, the cow!

BRUCE (wearily)
George, shut up, there's a jolly good fellow. Herr Klausner? I may have a solution.

HERR KLAUSNER
Indeedy? Against her?

BRUCE
Yes. I think... I assume you've heard of the Scribblers?

HERR KLAUSNER
Heard, of course, ze Retcon man said we must avoid zem.

GEORGE
Scribblers? But they wouldn't help us! Aren't they heroes?

SERGEI
But vhy vould heroes not help us? Ve are research organisation, not criminals.

There is an awkward pause.

HERR KLAUSNER
Oh, vell done George! Yes! Vhat jokes you make, very good!

GEORGE (weakly)
Sometimes I even make myself laugh.

BRUCE (pointedly)
Except, of course, Sergei is right. We are a research organisation, aren't we? And she's coming to steal our research materials. Yes? So we just tell the Scribblers that...

GEORGE
Ohhh...

HERR KLAUSNER
Yes, yes vell done Bruce! You haff found a plan!

BRUCE
Yes. I suggest we go and make a phone call, sir.

They slip out into the hall, and BRUCE waits until the door is closed.

BRUCE
And we still have the robots.

HERR KLAUSNER
Ah! Yes...

Scene the Next. In da Pit, because even when I ghost write I apparently have to include one of these at the start of a script somewhere. It is morning. There are banners up saying 'Happy Brithday, Amity!' The Scribblers plus PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH are playing a drinking game. This is probably because of the birthday. They don't normally do that in the morning.

FINESSE
My turn. Never have I ever… been tied up or otherwise incarcerated by a supervillain.

CHRONAL
Ooh, you harpy! Every time!

AMITY
And that's still true? How do you do it?

FINESSE
Skills.

WRAITH
Skillz to pay the billz.

SHIFT
I can't think of a bill that would actually pay.

LYRIC (smirking)
I can.

AMITY
Yes, and I must say we're all marvelling at your excellent restraint and decorum in not sharing it.

They all drink, except FINESSE, and refill their glasses.

CHRONAL
Kayleigh's turn!

KAYLEIGH
O na. Um… never have I ever… been on the permanent roster of a superteam.

CHRONAL
Ooh, you harpy! Every time!

KAYLEIGH
Well? I couldn't think of one!

They drink, except KAYLEIGH.

AMITY
My turn! Um… Okay. I have never had a supervillain specifically request my presence for a fight.

SHIFT
Ooh, good one.

SHIFT, FINESSE, LYRIC, WRAITH and KAYLEIGH all drink.

KAYLEIGH
Who was yours?

FINESSE
Er... Dagger Man, wasn't it?

WRAITH
Lame.

SHIFT
Didn't we rename him Swiss Army Man?

WRAITH
Guy even had a garlic crusher arm. Sad times, son. Sad times.

LYRIC
D'you know, I think you'd have to be some kind of moron to be actually in danger from Dagger Man.

CHRONAL (sadly)
I got stabbed by Dagger Man.

FINESSE
Yes, but when he was merely painfully boring rather than a total loser, it's fine.

AMITY (to Kayleigh)
Who was yours?

KAYLEIGH
Allergy Lad. Who I beat, oddly enough. Turned out he was allergic to pollen.

(beat)

And being punched.

(beat)

Emo.

LYRIC
Never have I ever had my powers go out of control.

CHRONAL
Ooh, you harpy! Every time!

SHIFT
Ooh, I hate that one! It brings back distressing memories of The Time.

CHRONAL
Tell me about it. Although in my case there's no definite article.

AMITY
At least you only affected yourselves with yours, though. I turned three teachers bipolar and made a builder catatonic before I managed to sort myself out.

LYRIC
A builder?

AMITY (sulkily)
He wolf-whistled at me.

WRAITH
Epic fail.

CHRONIC (severely)
Then I hope you didn't wake him up again.

AMITY
Well, I did, of course. And the teachers. A few months later, when I worked out how.

FINESSE
Then at least you managed to undo the damage. Trust me, Shift's out of control powers did not only affect her.

SHIFT
You're just saying that because you still have the scars.

FINESSE
I think you'll find I'm saying that because I got the scars in the first place.

SHIFT
And that's what friends are for.

FINESSE
I'm relatively certain it's not.

KAYLEIGH
Alright, plantos, everyone drink.

CHRONAL, SHIFT, AMITY, WRAITH and KAYLEIGH all drink. It finishes the bottle. LYRIC mutters something and the bottle refills instantly, because when people are drunk they care less about such concepts as economies, but he did recycle the bottle, look, because he's a hero.

WRAITH
Having Lyric's powers on the team wins.

LYRIC
I'm going to carefully edit that sentence in my memory so that you actually just said 'Having Lyric on the team wins.'

WRAITH
Why? I didn't mean that. Ha ha!

LYRIC
Your Mam didn't mean it.

AMITY
Sorry, was that the Swansea way of saying 'You were an accident?'

CHRONAL
Nah. In Swansea, everyone's an accident.

SHIFT
Wraith's turn!

WRAITH
Mans. Never have I ever needed an entire team of superheroes to force me to costume.

AMITY
Well, it wasn't an entire -

FINESSE
Yes it was.

AMITY
But I didn't -

FINESSE
Drink. You're not getting out of this one.

AMITY
I just feel that the whole costume experience could be more enjoyable with the inclusion of games.

CHRONAL
Yes! I agree!

AMITY
Splendid! It's so important!

The dulcit tones of Help! by the Beatles emanates from the Public Report phone. No one moves. Some tumbleweed inexplicably rolls past.

KAYLEIGH
Oops, sorry. That's one of mine.

She collects her tumbleweed.

FINESSE
Answer the phone, someone who isn't me.

AMITY
I'm relatively certain that counts as an abuse of power, you know.

FINESSE
It's a perk.

KAYLEIGH
I'm a guest, I shouldn't!

AMITY
It's my birthday, I shouldn't!

CHRONAL
I'm lazy, I shouldn't!

LYRIC (getting to his feet.)
It's fine. It's clearly going to end up being me again, so I'll just go now.

SHIFT
Well, that's saved us a socially unpleasant scene.

AMITY
Yes, that could have become quite heated.

CHRONAL
Things said that shouldn't have been, the break down of our inter-personal relationships…

WRAITH
Lyric fancies Shift when she's animals.

(beat)

It slipped out anyway.

LYRIC (returning)
Said the parson to the bishop. It's some organisation or other, say they need help with a super thief.

FINESSE
Tough. It's Amity's birthday. Tell them to call the Rejects.

AMITY
No! We'll do it. My birthday's not til Monday, anyway.

SHIFT
Oh, but I'm so comfy here...

CHRONAL
I'm so drunk. Let's play strip poker!

FINESSE
You know, there are days where I just don't think you should bother dressing in the morning.

KAYLEIGH
Don't say that in front of Lyric! He'll have an Idea!

WRAITH
What organisation, anyway?

LYRIC
Some pack of twats in a gentlemen's club, I think. It says S.C.E.P.T.R.E. Except on the one with an American flag, his badge says S.C.E.P.T.E.R.

WRAITH
Loses.

CHRONAL (disgustedly)
Oh, we're not helping a gentlemen's club, are we?

SHIFT
Do we have to morally?

AMITY
I think we do.

CHRONAL
Really, though? We wouldn't help the Klan, would we?

AMITY
Er... actually, depending on the problem, I think we would...

FINESSE
Ugh. Superheroism is not what the guidence councillors tell you.

LYRIC
Mine told me to be a milliner. No idea why.

SHIFT
Ours was excessively fond of recommending marine biology. Although it would admittedly have been a good option in my case.

CHRONAL
Mine said undertaker.

KAYLEIGH
It's the beard, you know.

WRAITH
Mine said nursery nurse.

There is a pause. They all stare at him.

WRAITH
I think he hated kids.

FINESSE
What super thief, anyway?

LYRIC
Some... woman. I don't know. They say she's some big threat.

CHRONAL (sarcastically)
Oh, a gentlemen's club against a woman. I see.

AMITY
Hmm. I wonder what they have that she wants to steal?

CHRONAL
Acknowledgement of her as an equal, I imagine.

WRAITH
Lol!

AMITY
Well, I want to find out, and it's my birthday.

WRAITH
Oooohh, no she didn't!

LYRIC
Oh, you... you woman, you...

FINESSE
Dammit! Fine. Sober us up, would you? I'll go and talk to them.

AMITY
Yay!

There is a pause as AMITY leans forward, concentrating, and then FINESSE sighs and sits up straight, rubbing her eyes for a moment before climbing to her feet.

FINESSE
Well, if nothing else... I've sobered without a hangover.

She moves purposefully to the vid screen in the corner, and AMITY begins work on the others, who one by one sober and stand up.

SHIFT
Yeah. I love sobering without a hangover. I think we can all agree it's the best way.

AMITY
It's easy! I just increase your vasopressin from the hypothalamus...

WRAITH
Vasopressin for the win, my son.

LYRIC
Huh... huh huh... vasopress in...

CHRONAL
I vasopressed in, once.

SHIFT
A pleasure to listen to you as always, gentlemen.

LYRIC
Yes, it is.

The vid-screen flickers to life, showing HERR KLAUSNER, BRUCE and SERGEI, and the Scribblers all pay attention. WRAITH automatically turns invisible.

FINESSE
Good morning. How can we help?

HERR KLAUSNER
Ah, Fraulein! Guten morgen. As I vas explaining to your associate, my name is Herr Klausner and I am ze president of S.C.E.P.T.R.E. Currently, ve haff something of a problem.

SHIFT
Is that really an acronym?

FINESSE
Shift...

HERR KLAUSNER
Of course, of course! But, uh... ve haff no time to elucidate. Ve vish to report a terrorist!

CHRONAL
Thief to terrorist in a minute. Her career's really taken off.

FINESSE
Chronal...

HERR KLAUSNER
Yes yes, she is also a thief. She has come to steal from us! But, ve haff reason to believe zat she vill cause some diversion - efficient, very efficient - and so ve report her. To you.

AMITY
What is it she wants to steal from you?

HERR KLAUSNER (uneasily)
Ah. Zat. Did ve not say? Aha. A ha ha.

BRUCE
Ahahaha.

CHRONAL
Aha.

SERGEI
Er... please? Ve are research organisation; ve study very old, very powerful artefacts. Currently, ve have vun.

SHIFT (brightening)
Really? What is it?

SERGEI
It is axe, very old axe. It has many legends. But, voman ve varn you about - she is collector. She has stolen from us before, and now she is back.

HERR KLAUSNER
Ve haff sent you her file, such as ve have on her. In Germany ve make better files, full of information... But I digress. She must be stopped! Vill you stop her?

FINESSE
Well, we'll investigate. But we do look into all aspects of reports like this, Herr Klausner, so you should be aware that we'll probably need to see your axe, to confirm it.

HERR KLAUSER (disgustedly)
Oh, scheiser. Really? Mit ze seeing and ze being in Head Qvarters and - ? Ah. I see it is so. Very vell. Ve shall expect you. Please be prompt in apprehending her, though, ze stress gives me a rash so strong...

The vid-screen cuts out on him, and FINESSE watches it, thoughtfully.

FINESSE
Full report, please.

SHIFT
The Russian scientist believed every single word he was saying, and is extremely nervous about the prospect of that axe being stolen.

CHRONAL blurs on the spot, a few pages suddenly appearing in his hands.

CHRONAL (disgustedly)
They faxed it, the tree-haters.

He blurs away.

WRAITH
What? No way! Who uses faxes anymore, the Victorians?

FINESSE (to Shift)
The others?

SHIFT
Both uptight. Very tense, on edge, but... no clear deception on any of it. Either they're hiding something, or they're just worked up about the threat as well.

LYRIC
I love that you can read body language.

WRAITH
It's Lyric's first language.

LYRIC (giving him a Look)
Yes, Wraith. Yes, it is. Can you tell what I'm saying now?

SHIFT
I can, and I'm shocked you even know such words.

KAYLEIGH
Lyric? Really?

SHIFT
Good point.

CHRONAL blurs back, and the vid screen is suddenly filled with an electronic file with a UN heading, a photograph beneath it in grainy low resolution of a woman with long hair in a costume that looks like a kimono. CHRONAL drops back into Realtime, and spins on a spinny chair.

CHRONAL
Scribblers, meet the Yūrei. Yūrei; Scribblers.

WRAITH
Whoa. Is that a kimono?

LYRIC
Is that a samurai sword?

CHRONAL
You're not wrong - both your dreams have come true. This is the only picture of her, and it's rubbish. Bet that's the fax, though.

LYRIC
That's as clear as shit, like.

WRAITH
Is she Japanese?

CHRONAL
Um, maybe. She first turned up in Japan, then four years later went global.

WRAITH
Like Pokémon.

CHRONAL
That was about a decade ago - the Yūrei is what the Japanese call her. No news on what she calls herself.

SHIFT (sagaciously)
"Me".

CHRONAL
SCEPTRE were right, though - she collects objects of power. Museums, gangsters, supervillains, Tories ... even governments. No-one's safe.

LYRIC
Black market?

CHRONAL
Strangely, no. Everything she takes stays taken, as it were. Of the items attributed to her, only three have ever turned up again elsewhere. And I'm dubious about those.

SHIFT
Such as?

CHRONAL
The Comity Diadem. Allegedly.

AMITY
What, the Tory one? That we've now got?

CHRONAL
The very same.

WRAITH
I wear it when you're out.

AMITY
What does her name mean?

WRAITH
It's a Japanese ghost.

They all look at him. WRAITH shrugs.

WRAITH
Japan's the president, bitches.

KAYLEIGH
A ghost and a Wraith, eh?

WRAITH
Mans.

FINESSE
Powers?

CHRONAL
Presumably, since she's broken into some astonishing places. Can you tell?

FINESSE
Not through a picture.

(Beat)

And not through that one.

LYRIC
Can't even tell if she's wearing a mask in that. It's about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

AMITY
So... she's spent ten years taking dangerous items of power away from potential villains?

CHRONAL (aggrieved)
Yes, that's what I thought! Do we have to stop her? I mean, she doesn't even definitely exist, and they're a gentlemen's club...

SHIFT (thoughtfully)
They also said she was a terrorist. Any evidence of that?

CHRONAL
No! And they're Tories!

FINESSE
We don't know that -

CHRONAL
We do! They're horrid, Finesse, can we ignore them?

FINESSE
It's Amity's birthday.

AMITY
Hooray! Yes it is! Um... I think that if she's taking these potentially villainous items away from villains we shouldn't really try to stop her. And, um, she hasn't tried to steal anything yet. It's morally dubious to try to apprehend her before the crime.

CHRONAL
Hooray!

FINESSE
Fair enough. Back to the drink, children.

SHIFT
Hooray!

They start back, but suddenly, the TARDIS sound emanates from the Police Comm-Link. Oh noes! Everyone stands still and looks at each other a bit. The tumbleweed rolls by again.

KAYLEIGH
Dammit, sorry...

She chases away after her tumbleweed. Still no one moves.

LYRIC
Jesus, guys, you pack of -

AMITY
Birthday!

KAYLEIGH
Guest!

CHRONAL
Lazy!

LYRIC
The only useful member of this team!

He goes to answer. FINESSE and SHIFT grin at each other.

SHIFT
Well, that's worked out. We didn't have any kind of defence.

FINESSE
I know, right?

WRAITH (Invisibly)
He didn't see me, right?

CHRONAL
Do we need to have our 'People don't forget you when you're invisible' conversation again?

LYRIC (calling suddenly)
Hey guys!

He spins around from the Comm-Link, sword out, looking astonishingly suave and about to leap into action. They all turn and look at him alertly. WRAITH fades back into view.

LYRIC
Killer robots downtown!

FINESSE (to Chronal)
Go.

CHRONAL
I'm gone.

He vanishes. FINESSE spins to the rest.

FINESSE
Trans-jet in three minutes, people, move!

AMITY
Hooray! Action! I can't fight robots, though.

FINESSE
We need you for crowd control. Go! Race Wraith!

AMITY
Yay!

WRAITH (unseen)
Hey, wait she can't see me!

SHIFT
But she can feel you, you wastrel.

WRAITH
Baps.

AMITY
Let's go!

She, WRAITH and LYRIC leave. KAYLEIGH reappears, her tumbleweed in her arms.

KAYLEIGH
Sorry, I don't know how they keep getting out - where did everyone go?

FINESSE
Robots.

KAYLEIGH
O na.

SHIFT
But, we haven't finished preparing for Amity's birthday. Could you stay?

KAYLEIGH
I was going to suggest just that, oddly enough. Call me if you need back up.

FINESSE
Will do.

SHIFT
You know, I was a robot once.

FINESSE
You have to stop being so mean about donkeys.

They leave, heading up to the Trans-jet, and KAYLEIGH moves to the window. Thirty seconds later, she grins and waves as the jet shoots away, and then turns and heads out to the Pit's garden. She puts her tumbleweed down, which rolls away into the house again, and spreads out her arms contentedly.

In the corner, the earth begins to move.


Scene the Next. In which the narrative voice takes a turn as the story is picked up by a different writer. Most irregular. What has happened to the magic of Scribblers?!?! Anyway, seven red mecha-samurai robots are slowly marching along the streets. LYRIC approaches on the other side, sword in hand.

LYRIC
Hell to the yes. I never get to swordfight.

A CHAV approaches the robots with a camera-phone -

- and the robot swings its sword! Mechanically! -

- and the chav is pushed over by a RACING CHEETAH!

The robot misses.

The chav falls and says "ow".

The cheetah reaches Lyric -

- and becomes SHIFT.


LYRIC
New rule - everyone stay away from the robots of death.

CHRONAL
That's a Doctor Who story.

CHRONAL, FINESSE, AMITY and WRAITH have turned up.

LYRIC
Why did we arrive out of order again?

CHRONAL
Secret plan. Or something. Stupid idea, anyway. Sorry, all.

FINESSE
Alright, guys.

Finesse narrows her eyes like a badass.

FINESSE
Let's fight robots!

Scene: LYRIC engaged in a swordfight with a ROBOT.

Scene: AMITY keeping a CROWD OF PEOPLE calm as they move away.

Scene: FINESSE slowing two ROBOTS down, one eye on CHRONAL, slowing down a third.

Scene: A ROBOT being attacked invisibly. Its head spins around.

Scene: An ELEPHANT trying to stamp on two ROBOTS, delicately avoiding lamp posts and post boxes.

Scene: LYRIC fighting a ROBOT wit' sword.


LYRIC
Flagging! Flagging!

AMITY turns up beside him.

LYRIC
Wow, oh! Yes, that's great - I'm brave, I'm bold, I'm brilliant.

He thrusts at the robot -

- and pierces its shell.


LYRIC
I am so cool.

AMITY
Gosh, you're so brave! Can I keep you like this?

LYRIC
Probably best not.

Scene: FINESSE and CHRONAL fighting SLOW ROBOTS.

FINESSE
This is so much fun!

CHRONAL
Yeah, why don't you use my powers more often?

FINESSE
I do. Mwahahaha.

CHRONAL
What? You - what? What for?

FINESSE
Oh, you know. Fighting goons. Waiting for rice to boil. Just normal superhero stuff.

Scene: A ROBOT thrusts out its arm -

- and grabs something invisible.


WRAITH
Mans! MANS!

An ELEPHANT arrives -

- crushing the robot -

- and becomes SHIFT.


SHIFT
What happened?

WRAITH
It suddenly saw me, like it just worked it out.

SHIFT
Okay, experiment time.

She looks across the street, and spots a lone ROBOT.

SHIFT
Make me invisible.

Shift becomes a GORILLA -

- and the gorilla vanishes.


WRAITH
She'll go apeshit.

The robot is pushed to the ground.

It stands up.

Turns around.

ROBOT POV: everything black, with RED SHAPES for the Scribblers, including a GORILLA SHAPE right ahead.

Normal POV - the robot approaching something invisible -

- extends its sword -

- and suddenly stops.

And is batted away by something invisible and massive.

A KOMODO DRAGON fades into view -

- which transforms into SHIFT.


SHIFT
They can track heat. Lizards fool them, though.

WRAITH
Invisible lizards.

SHIFT
Invisards.

Scene: LYRIC and AMITY face the stabbed, damaged ROBOT -

- and a steel covering slides over the wound.


LYRIC
Stabby stabby!

Lyric repeats his successful stab from earlier -

- but the robot blocks it.


LYRIC
I hate learning robots.

Amity holds up her hand.

LYRIC
But I'm surprisingly happy about it.

Scene: FINESSE and CHRONAL still fighting SLOW ROBOTS.

The robots stop!

Then start moving -

- now at normal speed!


CHRONAL
What? No!

FINESSE
They've got superspeed? That's unfair.

CHRONAL
Why aren't the others using it?

FINESSE
Lack of imagination, I reckon. They only bring out the big guns when they're crippled.

CHRONAL
Minimum necessary force samurai robots, eh? Lovely.

He slows them down further -

- the sweat dripping from his forehead.

Scene: WRAITH is standing on the far end of the street, in front of an enormous hole in the road.


WRAITH
Stupid robots can't cross my hole.

Two ROBOTS stand on the other side of the hole.

WRAITH
Okay. Uh. What do I do now?

A new GOLD ROBOT turns up - bulkier than the red ones.


WRAITH
Damn miniboss.

The gold robot looks at the hole.

It starts to walk across -

- as though floating in mid-air.


WRAITH (morosely)
He solved my maze.

Wraith walks calmly to the pavement.

The gold robot follows, still walking on thin air.

The red robots follow their leader.

Suddenly, the robots fall! Like Wile E. Coyote remembering gravity!

The street fades into view -

- revealing a big open builder's trench where the robots have fallen.


WRAITH
Yeah, that one was real.

Scene: AMITY approaches a ROBOT, fighting something invisible.

AMITY
Hello! How are you?

SHIFT (OOV)
It can see me now. It's learnt.

WRAITH (OOV - in the distance)
Then why am I still making you invisible?

SHIFT fades into view.

AMITY
So you're fighting as a person?

SHIFT
No - I'm doing this.

Shift becomes a RHINO -

- which batters the robot with its horn -

- which becomes a BAT -

- which flies above the robot -

- and becomes a COW -

- which lands on the robot -

- and becomes a BOA CONSTRICTOR -

- which starts to crush it.


AMITY
Loving it! Here, have some bravery.

The snake becomes a GORILLA -

- which gives a thumbs-up.


Scene: LYRIC now fighting TWO ROBOTS.


LYRIC
Yeah. Now that Amity's gone, you bring a mate along. I hate you.

Behind him, EIGHT FURTHER ROBOTS arrive, including one gold leader.

LYRIC
You're so dead.

He leaps in the air -

- sword held aloft -

- cliffhanger!


Scene: CHRONAL and FINESSE fighting NOW-REALLY-QUITE-FAST ROBOTS.

CHRONAL
Hate this. Hate this.

FINESSE
Cheer up.

HERR KLAUSNER turns up.

HERR KLAUSNER
Ve haff information on ze Geist. Ze Yūrei.

FINESSE
Yes, go.

HERR KLAUSNER
She's in a cottage in Dinas Voods.

FINESSE
Gingerbread?

CHRONAL
There's no cottage there.

HERR KLAUSNER
Zhere is now! Scheiser...

They're still totally fighting robots, by the way. Hope that's clear.

CHRONAL
Okay, but we need to keep fighting these robots. Who do we send to the woods?

WRAITH materialises.

WRAITH
I'll go.

FINESSE
Are you sure? I'd be able to do more than -

WRAITH
Lame robots can see me. I basically don't have any powers.

CHRONAL
Yeah, but that doesn't mean-

WRAITH
No, shut up, I know what you're going to say. You're going to say I'm still a hero without my powers. But I'm not - I'm just stupid. So I'm going.

FINESSE
Words later, boy. We're having them.

WRAITH
Yeah, yeah...

Scene the Next. In which the narrative voice switches back, and vows never to leave the computer open again because it only took three lines for SOMEONE to make Chronal into a spanner, and he well doesn't deserve it (hard stare). Anyway - a wood. It's really lovely and beautiful, isn't it? I love woods. This one is particularly great, too - it's got chestnut trees. Those are hard to find in Swansea.


Our view pans through the trees. Woodland creatures gambol playfully past; squirrels chase one another; birds forage through the undergrowth before flying back to the canopy; a small herd of deer leap joyfully over a brook; a badger emerges from ferns, looks grumpy and retreats. The view keeps panning, until it reaches the trunk of an ancient and beautiful oak, and stops.

TREE
Hey.

AMITY (on comm)
Ooh, hello! Do you know you're on picturephone?

TREE
Yeah.

AMITY (on comm)
It's just that I can't see you.

(beat)

Unless you've met treeple. Oh my god, have you met treeple?

TREE
Treeple? Tree people?

AMITY (on comm)
Yes!

TREE
No. That shit don't exist, fool.

AMITY (on comm)
Oh. Well, it was a long shot. Be visible, Wraith.

WRAITH('s voice)
Can't. I'm being sneaky, son. I think I've found it.

AMITY (on comm)
Really? You aren't sure?

WRAITH('s voice)
Just checking - it's not normal for cottages in woods to have been dropped into place and have signs over the door saying 'Home is where the happy memories grow', is it?

Our view switches to WRAITH's POV. In front of him an old English thatched cottage, complete with a weather vane, shutters and chimney, is sitting squatly on the bent and broken remains of some extremely squashed bracken, under a rough hole in the canopy. Some feet wearing red boots are sticking out from under one wall. As we watch, part of a branch falls from a tree above and bounces off the thatch.


AMITY (on comm)
Er... no. No it's not.

WRAITH('s voice)
Found it, then. Brb.

There is a pause in the newly-made clearing, and then two holes seem to appear at head-height in the wall of the cottage. They stay for a moment and then vanish. A second later, the door is quietly opened and closed again.

Opposite, the beautiful oak endevors to look sad.


TRERSON
But I am real.

Scene the Next: inside the cottage. I still don't get it. It's like a little old lady's cottage from the forties or something - china plates are on the walls with pictures of kittens, a log fire is burning merrily in the corner, a dresser with the Best China stands against one wall. There is a Singer sewing machine. There is a sideboard covered with a lace doily. There is a lace-making table. There are bobbins. There is a small assortment of house plants. There is a fully-stocked teatray. There are floral patterns in fetching shades of pink and brown everywhere.

There is also a big, comfy, winged armchair with a bank of aeroplane controls in front of the front window. And there are curious items everywhere. Three different suits of armour line one wall; a set of wands are on display with the Best China; the sideboard bears an open jewellery box with ten rings inside, and a cursed-looking necklace in front of it; an ancient map is open on the table; a quietly humming chessboard sits beside the winged armchair; a set of glowing green stones are neatly stacked in a cardboard box with two libel crystals and a clockwork Cave Of Kitch monkey ninja. There is an overlarge and extremely heavy-looking hammer on the floor beside a rack of swords, one of which is glowing blue, and another of which has a triforce pattern on the hilt. A pair of half-molten wax-and-metal wings are hanging over the door. There is a cauldron of rebirth, and a jar of light. There is a golden gun, and a mirror that looks a bit funny.

There is no one there.

Our view pans over all of the artefacts, and then settles on one suit of armour.


ARMOUR
Hey.

AMITY (on comm)
You're back! Unless... are you a large gentleman in armour who's kidnapped my friend?

ARMOUR
Wait, you can't tell?

AMITY (on comm)
Well, it's always worth a check...

WRAITH('s voice)
Sad times. So, hey, look at the shiz in here.

There is a pause.

AMITY (on comm)
Oh my god! It's so beautiful! And Finesse is going to be so jealous that you went instead of her.

WRAITH('s voice)
Everyone's jealous. That's why they say such mean things about me, but my mummy said I wasn't to listen.

AMITY (on comm)
That hammer! Try to pick it up!

WRAITH('s voice)
Fine. Brb.

There is another, longer pause. After a while there are very faint sounds of exertion.

WRAITH('s voice)
Gypsy hammer won't lift.

AMITY (on comm)
Oh my god! It's Mjolnir! It's Thor's hammer!

WRAITH('s voice)
Whoa, no way! That's legit.

AMITY (on comm)
That's so exciting! Ooh, ooh, what else is there?

WRAITH('s voice)
Chessboard?

AMITY (on comm)
Hmm. Don't play it.

WRAITH('s voice)
Was not a risk, if I'm honest.

AMITY (on comm)
Oh. Any sign of the Yūrei?

WRAITH('s voice)
No. Yet. Reckon the mirror will tell me if I'm the fairest in the land?

CHRONAL (on comm)
No mirror would tell you that. Ha ha!

WRAITH('s voice)
Bapsen Wledig.

SHIFT (on comm)
Maybe it'll suck out your soul.

FINESSE (on comm)
Can it do any of the above if you're invisible?

SHIFT (on comm)
Ah, an interesting practical experiment.

WRAITH('s voice)
I have no soul. Chronal said.

CHRONAL (on comm)
Who doesn't cry at Love, Actually?!?!

SHIFT (on comm)
Me, you saddo.

CHRONAL (on comm)
Silence, soulless filth! Ooh, robot, duck...

WRAITH('s voice)
I'm going to lo - argh!

Our view sweeps around to the mirror. It's almost unremarkable - it's full length but there's nothing fancy about the frame, just plain, smooth wood. The glass is slightly purply-bluey-green, however, and something about it seems odd. Mostly because, reflected back in it, is a fully-visible Wraith. From our perspective, no one is standing in front of it.

AMITY (on comm)
Wraith? Wraith, are you okay?!

WRAITH
Gypsy mirror can see me!

AMITY (on comm)
The mirror can see you?

WRAITH
I'm looking at me! But I'm invisible!

SHIFT (on comm)
Ah, the old reveals-what-is-hidden trick.

WRAITH
My nemesis is a mirror. Lame.

SHIFT (on comm)
Mine is a man who genuinely chose the name "Metal Man". Be more grateful.

WRAITH
Yeah...

His reflection steps closer as he steps up to examine the mirror, and look at the reflection of the room. To his left behind him, it turns out, a cloak is hanging on a coat hook on one wall, only the hook actually visible in the Real World; as WRAITH looks around a previously empty picture of a field shows a unicorn grazing, a bunch of Scarlet Pimpernel appears in a vase, and Lord Lucan looks up, alarmed, and flees the room. WRAITH grins, the view panning around, and looks to his right -

The YŪREI is standing behind him. She is indeed Japanese, and wearing a mask, and holding an extremely sharp samurai sword inches from his neck.

He spins around.

She's still there.


Scene the Next. Robots, still. And fighting, lots of fighting, with everyone looking beleaguered. HERR KLAUSNER is crouching under an abandoned lorry, watching the fight nervously and wringing his hands.

SHIFT
Not to worry you, but Lyric hasn't been talking on the comm for a while...

She turns into a shire horse and decapitates a robot with a back kick. A second rears up and she repeats the move, but her hoof glances off this time.

CHRONAL
I'm worried.

AMITY
Well, he's still alive...

CHRONAL
Excellent! I'm less worried.

FINESSE
But?

AMITY
Um, well, I made him really brave, but that means he won't feel panic if he's about to die...

FINESSE
So you can't tell?

AMITY
No.

CHRONAL
Now I'm worried again.

FINESSE
But why did you - ? Wait. Were you perving on him? Is this going to be you staring at his arms all over again?

AMITY
Yes, if I'm honest.

SHIFT
It's unusual, because we usually perv at Chronal.

They all glance at CHRONAL, sexy beast.

CHRONAL
Well, I am devillishly handsome.

SHIFT
So, I don't mean to worry you, but Lyric may be down and the robots are winning...

CHRONAL
Stop worrying me!

SHIFT
Ah, but it is unintentional.

CHRONAL
I appreciate that.

FINESSE (realising)
Oh, guys, I'm retarded.

CHRONAL
You are not! Lies!

FINESSE
No, seriously. Switch robots. Three, two, one -

They switch robots. Thrity seconds later, the street is strewn with broken robot pieces and the Scribblers stand victorious, FINESSE holding a robot faceplate and sighing. CHRONAL pats her on the shoulder as SHIFT turns back into a human and AMITY looks around for LYRIC.

FINESSE
They were so beautiful...

CHRONAL
I know.

(beat)

You aren't retarded.

SHIFT
We should keep that face and hang it up in the Pit.

FINESSE
That's not macabre, is it?

CHRONAL
It's not as long as we take it down every time Mecha Maid comes around.

AMITY
Guys! Lyric's fine.

FINESSE
Definitely?

AMITY
He's there.

They turn, and see LYRIC standing upon a large pile of slain robots, sword held aloft, one robot head still skewered upon it. It is noble and heroic. A small crowd of children has gathered around the base of his robo-heap, even, carrying flowers. Blue-tits fly around him, and the sun shines down.

CHRONAL
Why are there - ?

FINESSE
Pathetic Fallacy is in the crowd around that corner.

CHRONAL
Ah.

LYRIC
We have emerged victorious!

FINESSE
Amity, would you stop it?

AMITY
But he's so brave like this...

FINESSE
He's being a tit, Amity.

SHIFT
And the press are arriving. We need to go.

AMITY
But it's my birthday?

FINESSE
Good effort. No.

CHRONAL
Yeah, there are limits, you know.

AMITY (grumbling)
Fine...

There is a pause, and then LYRIC blinks and looks down at his pile of robots.

LYRIC
Jesus F. I did that?

AMITY
You did! You were so dashing and brave!

LYRIC
Oh well. Natch.

He leaps suavely down, executes a perfect three-point Prince of Persia landing and strides back to them.

LYRIC
Where's Wraith?

WRAITH('s voice)
Here.

They turn, and WRAITH is standing there with the YŪREI behind him, one hand on his shoulder and the sword blade across his throat. Instantly FINESSE tenses, squaring up; CHRONAL puts his hand on her arm; SHIFT steps towards her slightly, a light tiger-striped pattern of fur appearing across her skin; LYRIC flourishes his sword suavely; and AMITY frowns slightly, staring at WRAITH.

Behind them all HERR KLAUSNER gets out from under his lorry, his eyes fixed hungrily on the YŪREI.


FINESSE
Get the hell away from him.

LYRIC
Ow, boy. Alright or what?

WRAITH
Bitchin'.

AMITY
He's...

FINESSE
Now.

YŪREI
I hear you are looking for me, Scribblers?

AMITY (fast)
We don't have time for this.

FINESSE
Get away from him. I'll not say it again.

YŪREI
Stay away from me, Scribblers.

SHIFT
Finesse...

FINESSE
Rust.

Her voice echoes as she hijacks LYRIC's powers and suddenly, the entire length of the YŪREI's sword blade rusts over and shatters. WRAITH jumps forward and away as FINESSE moves past him, aiming for the YŪREI, who draws a second samurai sword lightning fast and leaps at her, bringing down the sword -

FINESSE
Shield!

There is a flash of white light as FINESSE catches the blade on her forearm, some sort of repulsor shielding appearing and disappearing at the point of contact, and both drop back warily.

LYRIC
What the hell was that?

SHIFT
A particle repulsor shield?

LYRIC
You know how particle repulsion works?!

CHRONAL (proudly)
She's a scientist now.

FINESSE
Attack.

They move. SHIFT morphs fully into a tiger and springs at YŪREI, who leaps acrobatically back and away from her and onto the roof of a car; LYRIC jumps up beside her and they commence swishy sword fight like something out of a kung fu film. AMITY steps forward but then turns, sharply, as suddenly a CROWD OF ONLOOKERS appear from around the corner, jabbering excitedly and wielding cameras and trampling each other -

AMITY
Finesse - I have to -

FINESSE
Dammit. Come on, we'll sort them. Chronal?

CHRONAL
Go, I can supervise this.

AMITY and FINESSE turn and run back towards the crowd, herding them back and away from the fight. Meanwhile the fight continues: SHIFT leaps up as a tiger just as the YŪREI ducks under LYRIC's kick and thrusts her sword at her, and SHIFT hastily transforms into a sparrow to avoid it. CHRONAL blurs up to her but, just as he's about to hit her, she disappears.

WRAITH
Whoa! She's invisighost!

CHRONAL
Can you make her -?

The sword flashes out as she reappears, and he only just dodges in time, LYRIC parrying the thrust -

¬YŪREI
Enough.

She raises one hand, and lo! There is a gauntlet upon it, and all who saw it were afearing. She holds it palm out towards them -

- and a bright white light suddenly flashes out, blinding them all for a moment. When they all stand up the YŪREI is gone.


HERR KLAUSNER
Scheiser.

WRAITH
Yeah.

They stand around, filled with adrenaline. Panting and angry.

CHRONAL (thoughtfully)
Herr Klausner?

HERR KLAUSNER
Ja?

CHRONAL
I think it's time we saw that axe.