Saturday 11 November 2017

Scribblers: An Inspector Calls

Steffan and Elanor present ...

The Inspector Calls

INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Night.

It’s the night before Christmas!
And all through the Pit,
The heroes are chatting,
And so full of wit.

BOILING POINT
The Christmas tree’s a bit wonky.

FINESSE
So’s your face.

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
So’s your mam.

CHRONAL
No, she’s right, it’s really not straight.

FINESSE
So’s –

CHRONAL
Stop!

The tree was all covered
With tinsel and wasp
(Despite Amity’s efforts,
it hadn’t been lost.)

AMALGAM
It’s just not Christmas without the good old Christmas wasp.

AMITY
Apparently not.

FAUST
Merry Waspmas!

BOILING POINT
I’d prefer it if that didn’t catch on, actually.

The fairly lights twinkled
In red, green and yellow.
The radio played Havana
By Camila Cabello.

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
I’ve got gin here if anyone wants some.

FAUST
Why’s it in a My Little Pony bag?

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
Because I’m a grown-up.

The stockings were hung
By the fire alarm –
In case of a fire,
They’d come to no harm.

REVERIE
I can’t wait for presents.

SHIFT
I hope people like mine.

FINESSE
As long as it’s not a repeat of the year you became a cat to find “presents”, I think we’re good.

SHIFT
In my defence, everyone loved them.      

AMITY
Everyone did not.

The phones were to hand,
In case there was need
For Weathervane’s updates
To her Twitter feed.

WEATHERVANE (typing)
“Hyped for Christmas – even though unsustainable food practices will currently end the world.”

REVERIE
I’m not sure I’ll keep following you if all your updates are going to be this bleak.

WEATHERVANE
Um, okay ...  Let me think.
(beat)
“At least the world won’t be ended by zombies.  Hash – tag – for – now – at – least.”

REVERIE
I suppose that’s better.

But outside the room
They all heard a clatter
So Shift and the Prof
Went to check on the matter.

SHIFT
This had better not be charity collectors.

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
They do important work, Shift! Probably.

SHIFT
I know, but the only ones who ever come here are fundraisers for reformed supervillains.

AMITY
Could be worse.

SHIFT
But they’re not reformed!  It’s just Admiral Zap’s latest attempt to raise enough money for a big yellow van.

AMITY
I hate Admiral Zap.

AMALGAM
Is she the one who zaps people?

BOILING POINT
Yes!  How did you guess?

AMITY
I hate her.  She was mean about my rats.

REVERIE
She also blew up a bank.

AMITY
Oh, yeah.  I suppose that was quite bad too.

Shift and Professor,
They opened the door,
And in walked a copper
Who’s noir to the core.

ZIMBARDO
Scribblers. 

FINESSE
Zimbardo.

ZIMBARDO
There’s a murder mystery afoot.

REVERIE
That sounds like fun! Can I do a video about it?

ZIMBARDO
No.  Someone has killed the Spirit of Christmas.

CHRONAL
Oh, cool, and it’s our job to bring it back by having the best Christmas ever?

ZIMBARDO
No.  The Spirit of Christmas was a supervillain, and she’s been actual murdered.

CHRONAL
Urgh.  Okay, sorry for being insensitive.

REVERIE
.... so no video ...?

ZIMBARDO
The fact is, she’s dead, and all of you have a motive for killing her.

FINESSE
That can’t be right!

FLASHBACK:

EXT.  CHRISTMAS TREE PLANTATION.  Day

The plantation is aflame.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Now that these ridiculous trees are gone, people will be forced to engage with the True Meaning of Christmas.

FINESSE
What the FUCK is this?!

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Ah, leader of the Scribblers!  Behold my work, and –

Finesse punches her in the face.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
What the -  You can’t just punch me!

FINESSE
Well, I just did, so ...

Finesse punches her again.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
You’re meant to use people’s powers against them!

FINESSE
You don’t have powers.

Finesse punches her again.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
I am the True Spirit of Christmas!

FINESSE
Not one word of that is true.

Finesse knocks her out.

CUT TO:

INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Night (cont)

ZIMBARDO
You hated her for killing all those trees.  So you MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE taken her life in return.

REVERIE
Did she?

ZIMBARDO
I will sit on that information for now.

REVERIE
Odd choice.

ZIMBARDO
But you, Reverie!

FLASHBACK:

INT.  TRENDY PUB.  Night

Spirit of Christmas is drinking a Christmassy cocktail.  Reverie enters.

REVERIE
Hey.  So.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
What do you want?

REVERIE
I’ve been getting abusive comments on my videos for the last year.  I’ve just found out they were posted by you.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
You do not observe the true meaning of Christmas.

REVERIE
Most of those videos weren’t posted at Christmas!

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Exactly.

CUT TO:

INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Night (cont)

BOILING POINT
That seems like a very flimsy motive.

FAUST
A flotive, if you will.

ZIMBARDO
Ah, yes, Optiman.

AMITY
Hey!  Only I call him that.

FINESSE
And I don’t approve.

ZIMBARDO
Faust.  You met the Spirit of Christmas at the Dinas Marathon, didn’t you?

FLASHBACK:

EXT.  LAKESIDE ROAD.  Day

A marathon, full of runners – some in fancy dress, most in running gear.  Faust runs alongside the Spirit of Christmas.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
I’m going to beat you!  BEAT you, get it?  Like the beat of a drum.  And we’re running.

FAUST
What are you talking about?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
I’m going to run all the way to the finish line.  RUN!  Like, running.

FAUST
I can optimise my body for whatever purpose I need.  You won’t win.

CUT TO:

INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Night (cont)

ZIMBARDO
And that is why you’re a suspect.

FAUST
But I DID win!

ZIMBARDO
Yes.  But everyone knows you can’t stand people who use puns wrong.

FAUST
... oh my god those were puns.

AMITY
Look, the Spirit of Christmas was a supervillain.  If she’s been killed, it was probably by another supervillain.

ZIMBARDO
Oh, really, Amity?  So you’re saying it was nothing to do with your encounter ...

FLASHBACK:

EXT.  DINAS IMMIGRATION REMOVAL CENTRE.  Day

The Spirit of Christmas is running amok, with an army of hired goons.

AMITY
What do you think you’re doing?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Refugees need to learn about the true spirit of Christmas if they’re going to stay in this country!

AMITY
Oh my God.
(beat)
Just to clarify, what is the true meaning of Christmas in your opinion?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
The celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, of course.

AMITY
Oh, that guy.  Son of two immigrants.  That one, yeah?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
You heathen!

AMITY
I’ll take that.  Although I was briefly a pagan when I was 15.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Even I was a pagan when I was 15.

CUT TO:

INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Night (cont)

AMALGAM
Amity would never kill over religious differences.

WEATHERVANE
Or for any other reason.

AMALGAM
Oh, yes, good point.  I should have said that.

ZIMBARDO
Maybe you’re right, Amalgam.  But you have a serious motive too.

FLASHBACK:

INT.  BIG POSH CHURCH.  Day

A traditional nativity play, on a big budget, with shepherds and kings, a full stable complete with barnyard animals. Including a goat, and a dog, raven and octopus dressed up as a camel.

JOSEPH (clearly Amalgam – against his will)
There was no room in the inn.  No room in any of these places!

MARY (clearly the Spirit of Christmas in disguise)
What about the place we passed on the way?

JOSEPH
We’re better off in this stable.  Their trip advisor reviews were awful.

GOAT
Meeeeeh.

KING DAVE
We have brought gold for the little baby.

SHEPHERD
Dammit, King Dave!  You said we could go first.  Our bale of hay’s going to look like such a shit present compared with yours.

KING STEVE
We have also brought frankincense, a lovely resin, for the little baby.

SHEPHERD
... oh, actually, I think we’re good.

GOAT
Meh-meh.

CUT TO:

INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Night (cont)

AMALGAM
I was forced to perform that play for such a long time, touring the country.

CHRONAL
How long?

AMALGAM
Six weeks, man and goat.

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
No court would convict.

ZIMBARDO
What the -  YES THEY WOULD!  If Amalgam killed the Spirit of Christmas, he would go to prison.

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
O na!  Panic.

ZIMBARDO
And as for you, Professor ...

FLASHBACK:

INT.  DINAS BANK.  Night

The Spirit of Christmas is wearing a variant on her normal costume – black and white pinstripe, with three studded belts, a bunch of bracelets, a full pencil’s worth of eye-liner, and the choppiest haircut of all time.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
I am here to destroy capitalism.  Please give me a hundred billion pounds.

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
Oh no you don’t!

Vines burst from the floor –

Wrapping themselves around the Spirit of Christmas –

Until she’s completely trapped.

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
This is what you get for committing the worst crime of all.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Robbing a bank isn’t the worst crime!

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
I’m talking about your fashion, you emo.

CUT TO:

INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Night (cont)

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
Look, I don’t hurt emos.  They hurt themselves.

ZIMBARDO
Nonetheless, you are still a suspect in this investigation.  All of you are.

CHRONAL
Except me!  I never met her.

ZIMBARDO
Ah, but you did.

FLASHBACK:

INT.  DINAS COUNCIL CHAMBER.  Day

The council is in session.  In the back of the room, a number of local journalists are assembled.

Two councillors are talking – HELEN EVANS, for the Genuinely Socialist Party, and HOLLY BUSH, for the Social Preservation Party.

HELEN
We’ve put everything in the plan, but our thinking is, if we take the hit and increase minimum wage in Dinas, we’ll attract a good workforce, and it’ll put pressure on the government to increase their own.

HOLLY
But Ms Evans.  That would be very expensive.  And really, we ought to be spending that money fighting same-sex marriage.

JOURNALIST
What is WRONG with you?

CUT TO:

INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Night (cont)

ZIMBARDO
That journalist was YOU, Chronal.

CHRONAL
You can’t prove that.

ZIMBARDO
You tore up her manifesto.  We’ve got your fingerprints.

CHRONAL
I’m sure lots of people who tear up manifestos have the same fingerprints.

AMALGAM
Afraid not.

CHRONAL
Damn.  Okay, fine.  But I didn’t even know she was the Spirit of Christmas!

ZIMBARDO
I don’t believe you.  Everyone knows the Spirit of Christmas uses Christmassy aliases.  Holly Bush.  Ivy Tree.  Mariah Carey.

FAUST
So she CAN do puns properly. Or even at all. Are you sure that’s what she was trying with me?

ZIMBARDO
And now we move on to Shift.

SHIFT
Wasn’t me.

ZIMBARDO
Or was it?

FLASHBACK:

INT.  LIVING ROOM.  Day

The Spirit of Christmas enters her enormous posh living room, carrying a big sack.  Her husband, Humphrey, is busy with his collection of pressed butterflies.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
This will be the best Christmas ever, Humphrey.

HUMPHREY
Oh, good news, my darling!  As long as we observe the true meaning of the season, eh what?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Indeed.  Behold!  The Christmas turkey!

She upends the sack –

And out comes Shift.

SHIFT
That’s quite rude.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Where’s my Christmas turkey?!

SHIFT
No harm done.  I understand that it’s a risky time of year to transform into a turkey.  I just enjoy it too much.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Get out, Scribbler!  And I wish you an un-merry Christmas.

CUT TO:

INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Night (cont)

SHIFT
That wasn’t really motive for murder, though.

ZIMBARDO
No.  But later, the Spirit of Christmas found that a file of hers had been stolen.  So you knew that her party intended to cut the funding for accessible theatres, to allow tax cuts for the rich.

SHIFT
No comment.

CHRONAL
Nice one, Shift.

Shift and Chronal high-five.

ZIMBARDO
And as for you, Weathervane ...

FLASHBACK:

EXT.  RED CARPET EVENT.  Night

Various actors meeting and greeting the press and fans.  The Spirit of Christmas is wearing a red-carpet-dress version of her costume.

Suddenly, she spots Weathervane, and marches over.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
You!  Nobody is coming to see my film thanks to your review.

WEATHERVANE
Your film was awful.  It made no sense on any level.  In a BAD way.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
It was about the true meaning of Christmas.

WEATHERVANE
Wow, was it?  That didn’t come across at all.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
How dare you.

CUT TO:

INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Night (cont)

ZIMBARDO
Maybe it wasn’t enough that you killed her career.  Maybe you wanted to make sure she’d never make a film again.

WEATHERVANE
There’s a long list of people I’d kill first to stop bad films.

BOILING POINT
I’m a bit worried you’re actually considering that.

ZIMBARDO
And you, Boiling Point.

FLASHBACK:

EXT.  DINAS HIGH STREET.  Night

Boiling Point is cycling along.  She arrives at a traffic jam, everyone tooting their horns.

Turns out they’re being held up by a crashed Santa sleigh.

The Spirit of Christmas stands victorious.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Behold!  The god of commercialisation, taken down by the true meaning of Christmas.

BOILING POINT
What, a harpoon gun?

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
It’s a metaphor for unconditional love, actually.

BOILING POINT
It’s a metaphor for a harpoon gun.

Boiling Point becomes a monster and attacks the Spirit of Christmas.

CUT TO:

INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Night (cont)

BOILING POINT
You’re saying I killed her because she attacked a Santa?

ZIMBARDO
No, I’m saying your motive is that she was inconsiderate of other drivers.

BOILING POINT
Oh, okay, I can respect that.

FINESSE
I’m bored of this.

CHRONAL
Me too. Anyway, I watch crime shows. It’s the husband.

SHIFT
Ooh! Solved. You’re welcome.

ZIMBARDO
It’s not the husband. He’s been polishing their bank vault on the Cayman Islands for the last fortnight.

AMITY
...of course he has.

REVERIE
So, I hate to start asking for gory details, but is she definitely dead?

WEATHERVANE
Ooh, plot twist! Albeit derivative.

AMALGAM
Yes, that is a good point. How did she die?

ZIMBARDO
Her body was found in a prison cell on Gaolhouse Rock.

BOILING POINT
What, she died in prison?!

FAUST
No, she wasn’t serving time, was she? I thought she was on the loose?

ZIMBARDO
She was. But her body was found in a locked cell.

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
And she died of...?

ZIMBARDO
Poisoned celery.

CHRONAL
She – wait, what?

ZIMBARDO
Poisoned celery. It wasn’t celery at all. It was...

(beat)

Hemlock!!!

Everyone looks at Finesse.

FINESSE
This is tedious. Yes it was me.

AMITY
Oh my god!!

WEATHERVANE
Finesse!!

CHRONAL
I’m in favour. I’ll call Lawyer Girl.

ZIMBARDO
Very well. If you’ll come with me, Finesse –

FINESSE
Oh, calm down, she’s not dead.

SHIFT
I saw that coming.

ZIMBARDO
I assure you, she is deceased.

FINESSE
Oh, is she fuck. Her powers resurrect her three days later. She’s literally fine.

CUT TO:

INT.  GAOLHOUSE ROCK.  Night

A secure cell. SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS (middle aged, unbearably posh, over-privileged) is laid out on a slab, dead.

OR IS SHE

Suddenly, she sits up, gasping.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
A-HA! Bet you didn’t see this coming, Scribbler! Now I’ll –

She pauses, and realises she’s in a prison cell.

SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Oh, fuck everything.

CUT TO:

INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Night (cont)

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
This is not a criticism, but is that not a harsh way of arresting someone?

FINESSE
She burned the trees, Kayleigh.

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
Duw duw. She’s lucky she has a face.

ZIMBARDO
Well, it’s not orthodox.  But I’m happy the case has been solved.  I will bid you farewell.

And I heard him exclaim
‘Ere he left out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all,
And to all a good night.”

THE END