Sunday, 27 November 2016

The Scribblers and the Christmas Tree

Steffan and Elanor present ...

The Scribblers and the Christmas Tree

1  INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Day.

The Scribblers are decorating the Pit.  FAUST is going through the Scribblers’ Christmas cards, and putting them up.  BOILING POINT is hanging up tinsel.  WEATHERVANE is filling the room with distressingly gothic Christmas figurines.  AMALGAM, including his various animal selves, is decorating the tree (which is big and impressive).  CHRONAL is slowing the flow of time so that, whenever Goat starts destroying the tree, AMITY has time to step in and fix the problem.  FINESSE has made a bunch of green chains of trees – like little people holding hands, but they’re little trees.

FAUST
There should be a law against putting poetry in Christmas cards.

AMITY
What’s wrong with a nice poem at Christmas?

FAUST
Nothing at all.  But these are not nice poems.  Listen to this:
The time of year has come once more
For tinsel, turkey, and plenty more
Put on the Christmas songs.
Merry Christmas everyone.

AMALGAM
I can’t work out if we’re supposed to pronounce that ‘Christmas suns’ or ‘everywong’.

CHRONAL
It’s like I always say – you can’t write good poetry in English.

AMITY
I’m not sure you can deduce that from a poem that refuses to engage with the rules of scansion or rhyming.

FINESSE
And I’m not sure it’s a fair comment given that not everyone’s language was literally designed to break in order to facillitate Impossipoetry.

BOILING POINT
Anyway, don’t be mean.  Look at the drawing on the front – that card’s obviously been sent by a child.

FAUST
It’s from the Mayor.

BOING POINT
... Can she do any form of art...?

WEATHERVANE
Oh, good news everyone!  The world’s no longer going to end because of ducks.

AMALGAM
I knew we could trust them!  Delightful creatures.

FINESSE
What’s going to end the world now?

WEATHERVANE
Absolutely nothing.  The world’s finally safe.

All the Scribblers drop what they’re holding, and stare at Weathervane.

WEATHERVANE
Only joking!  It’s American politics.

FAUST
What a jape.

FINESSE
Um, Amalgam – you know the Christmas tree ...?

AMALGAM
Don’t worry – we didn’t cut down a tree.  It’s a gift from Professor Kayleigh.  It’s still planted.

FINESSE
No, that isn’t what I was going to say.

BOILING POINT
Where’s the tree gone?!

There is a tree-shaped space where the tree was.

AMITY
Goat, did you eat our tree?

GOAT
Meeeeh.

AMITY
No, wait, hang on – I’m sensing hundreds of people feeling confused ...

CUT TO:

2  EXT.  DINAS CITY CENTRE.  Day.

The Scribblers’ Christmas tree is now in the centre of town, surrounded by BAFFLED ONLOOKERS.  The SCRIBBLERS are approaching it.

FINESSE
I am. Incredibly annoyed.

BOILING POINT
Why would anyone steal our Christmas tree?

WEATHERVANE
For nefarious purposes?

AMALGAM
Yes.  It’s bound to be one of our many villains.

FAUST
What possible use would a villain have for our Christmas tree?

AMITY
We’ve got some very weird villains.

FINESSE
I am Not Having villains kipdnapping trees now. Orphans is one thing, but trees?

CHRONAL
Oh dear.

FAUST
Alright.  Let’s take it back.  It’s a big tree, so we’ll need super-strength.  Can someone make Boiling Point angry?

AMITY
Why don’t we just carry it back between us?

BOILING POINT
I don’t mind getting angry.  Save you carrying it.

FINESSE
That’s very kind of you, but ...

CHRONAL
Boiling Point is terrifying when she’s angry.

The Scribblers grab hold of the tree, ready to lift it –

CUT TO:

3  EXT.  BASE.  Day.

- and they find themselves on a large field of soil, and in the distance, a large circular wall too high to climb.  They’re next to an enormous rough brown tower, with long green vertical spikes emerging from it.

CHRONAL
What the –

AMITY
It was a portkey!

WEATHERVANE
I don’t know ...

AMALGAM
Where have we been teleported to?

FINESSE
I don’t think we have.  Look, this tower –

FAUST
It’s not a tower.

BOILING POINT
It’s a tree.

AMALGAM
It’s enormous.

FINESSE
No it isn’t.  It’s us.  We’ve been shrunk.

AMITY
This is our tree.

CHRONAL
Why would anyone want to shrink us?

WEATHERVANE
To make us easier to kill?

Something is flying above them.

They look up –

It’s a simple wooden reindeer, looks like a cheap toy, but the size of a horse.  Entirely made of wood, the only colouring that’s been added is a red nose.  We can hear clockwork inside, allowing the reindeer to fly.

AMALGAM
So if we’re tiny, that thing’s probably really small.

FINESSE
Yes.  Probably just three inches across.

CHRONAL
Aw, it’s cute.

The reindeer shoots a dart at Faust.

FAUST
Ow!

AMITY
Optiman, are you okay?

FINESSE Don’t call him Optiman.

FAUST
It’s fine.  Didn’t really hurt.

CHRONAL
Guys, it’s really cute.  Can we just leave it alone?

The reindeer shoots a hail of wooden darts.

Finesse holds a hand at Chronal –

And the Scribblers are all standing clear –

The darts hitting the ground harmlessly.

CHRONAL
Okay I know what you’re going to say. But it’s still really cute!

AMALGAM
I’m not convinced his cuteness is high enough to get away with the weaponised splinters.

FINESSE
‘Her.’

WEATHERVANE
Isn’t it supposed to be Rudolph?

FINESSE
It’s a reindeer. With antlers, in winter. Only the females have antlers in winter.

AMALGAM
Ooh, that’s right! I stand by the weaponised splinter thing, though.

AMITY
She is quite cute. Maybe we could -

The reindeer shoots Boiling Point –

Who becomes a TERRIFYING ORANGE BEAR MONSTER –

And punches the reindeer out of the air –

Its horns come off –

And it lands on the ground.

WEATHERVANE
Oh. Well. That was pretty great.

Boiling Point takes the reindeer’s horns as a trophy.

CHRONAL
Poor reindeer.

FINESSE That thing came from above.

They look up into the tree.

FINESSE
We need to climb.

CUT TO:

4  EXT.  TRUNK.  Day.

The SCRIBBLERS are climbing the trunk.  Faust is in the lead, having optimised his body for climbing.

CHRONAL
I thought I’d be frightened of climbing this high, but I’m surprisingly calm.

AMITY
Yes.  Surprisingly.

AMALGAM
I’ve sent Raven on ahead to check for traps.

BOILING POINT
Have you found anything?

AMALGAM
Mostly baubles and fairy lights.

WEATHERVANE
Ow!  Something just bit me.

FINESSE
Argh, me too.

FAUST
Let me see ...

The muscles of Faust’s left arm ripple and tighten –

Allowing him to keep hold of the trunk with only one arm –

And swing from side to side, searching for the threat –

He sees a flash of blue light!

FAUST
I can’t see!

AMITY
It’s hitting me now –

WEATHERVANE
Can you sense its emotions?

AMITY
They’re faint – but yes.  It’s happy.  I think it’s playing.

FINESSE
We can’t see it while we’re climbing –

BOILING POINT
It’s stinging me!

AMITY
I’ll keep you calm.

FINESSE
Do we know whether you can climb as a monster, Boiling Point?

BOILING POINT
I suspect I’d be too angry to climb.  OW!

WEATHERVANE
We need to be able to see.

AMALGAM
No problem –

RAVEN flies out of the branches above –

And through Raven’s eyes, we see a BLUE FAIRY LIGHT – a tiny glowing blue fairy, flapping around, randomly zapping the Scribblers with little blue lasers.

Raven flies for the blue fairy –

Who turns to attack the bird –

AMALGAM
Chronal – can you help?

The fairy freezes in place –

And Raven knocks it to the distant ground.

FINESSE
Good work, team.  Christmas bonuses for all animals.

BOILING POINT
I’m an animal sometimes.

FINESSE
Debatable.  But I’ll allow it.

CUT TO:

5  EXT.  BRANCHES LEVEL 1.  Day.

The SCRIBBLERS have managed to climb to a floor made of green pine needles.

FINESSE
Tomorrow, we are recruiting a telekinetic to this team, and I am going to fly everywhere for the rest of my life.

FAUST
That’s the hardest part of the climbing done – we’ve got branches now.

An object flies through the air and lands at his feet –

It’s a Christmas present, all wrapped up with ribbon.

WEATHERVANE
I’m not sure you should open that.

AMITY
Present!

AMALGAM
Yay!

Raven flies in and steals it.

AMALGAM
Oh. Sorry.

Raven drops it back in front of her.

AMITY
Present!

AMALGAM
Yay!

She opens it –

And a boxing glove on a spring jumps out!

Amity dodges.

AMITY
Whoa!

WEATHERVANE
Told you.

BOILING POINT
That’s a terrible present.

PATHETIC MAN (v/o)
But these presents, Scribblers, shall be your last! For you now face... THE THREE KINGS!!!

Three PATHETIC MEN are standing on a branch above them, in what they clearly thought was a cool action pose. It is just sad. They are wearing some tacky king-themed costumes, complete with crown masks, tinsel cloaks, and a sack each with the word ‘Presents’ on.

One has misspelled the word ‘Presents’.

WEATHERVANE
I... am so embarrassed right now.

FINESSE
I don’t know how to react.

WEATHERVANE
This is amazing!

FINESSE
I mean, I know how they want me to react.

KING ONE
Behold, Scribblers! The spirit of Christmas!

KING TWO
Receive our gifts!

KING THREE
Take these!

FAUST
You are really over-milking this conceit.

But the Three Kings reach into their sacks –

And throw presents at the Scribblers!

A green one lands before Chronal –

And explodes! But he’s no longer standing there, and is some feet away instead.

Another lands in front of Faust, and a blade swings out –

But he becomes fast, and dodges.

One sails towards Boiling Point –

Who transforms –

And leaps on it like a furious dog, tearing at it.

There is a muffled explosion.

She is unharmed.

KING TWO
Jesus Christ!

AMALGAM
Mine’s just got socks in.

KING ONE
Well, brace yourselves, Scribblers, because – wait, what?

WEATHERVANE
Yeah, mine’s just got a pen in it.

AMITY
Animalgaman, you’re eating the wrapping paper.

AMALGAM
Oh. Whoops.

Goat looks embarrassed, and drops it.

KING ONE
Actual presents? Why would you – Dave!

He whirls on King Three.

KING ONE
Did you put our actual presents in with the villain presents?!

KING DAVE
Look, I’m the only one who tidies the hallway, there were presents lying around, I put them in the sacks.

KING ONE
Well, that’s just great.  I bought that pen for Nigel.

KING NIGEL
Did you?!  I’m not being funny, Steve, but I got you a really nice new crown.  And you just got me a pen?

KING STEVE
It’s not just a pen, Nige.  There’s a dial on it that –

Weathervane twists a dial on the pen –

And the pen becomes a SWORD.

WEATHERVANE
Woah!

AMITY That’s not fair!  I want a weapon!

Amity holds up a hand –

And King Nigel passively hands over his sack of gifts.

Amity starts searching through them.

AMITY
(muttering)
None of these are shaped like a quarter staff.

FINESSE Amity, please stop searching through the potentially dangerous presents.

AMALGAM
Look what I found!

Amalgam has taken King Dave’s sack from him, and Dog is now wearing a shiny crown.

KING STEVE (sulkily)
See? All shiny and nice and...

Amalgam continues searching through the sack.

AMALGAM
This one’s for a Stephen King?

KING STEVE
That’s for me!

King Steve snatches the gift –

And opens it.

It’s a music box.

KING STEVE
Aw, Dave, it’s perfect!  Just like the one I fell asleep to as a child.

KING DAVE
It’s enchanted too, so it should help with your insomnia.

Steve activates the music box –

And the Three Kings fall asleep.

WEATHERVANE
Weird.  Why isn’t the music affecting us?

AMALGAM
Maybe it only affects kings.

Chronal is asleep.

FINESSE
Chronal, wake up.  You’re not a king.

CUT TO:

6  EXT.  BRANCHES LEVEL 2.  Day.

The SCRIBBLERS have reached the second level of branches.  Weathervane is examining her new sword.

AMITY
Look, if you get a sword, I should get a quarterstaff.

WEATHERVANE
I’m not stopping you.

AMITY
You don’t even care that much about the sword!

WEATHERVANE
It’s a Claymore.

AMITY
I still care more about having a quarterstaff.

AMALGAM
Ah, look!  More of those fellows.

Up above, two more FAIRY LIGHTS have appeared – a YELLOW one and a GREEN one.

FAUST
They’ll be much easier to handle now that we’re not climbing.

Faust’s leg muscles ripple –

And he JUMPS as high as a human can physically jump –

And grabs the Green Fairy Light from the sky.

FAUST
Gotcha!

There’s a blinding green flash of light.

FAUST
Well, I’m blind, but my hand is the optimal size and strength to stop this thing from escaping.

But Faust’s hand is shrinking –

Withering.

FINESSE
Faust!  Your hand!  It’s disgusting!

Faust’s suddenly struck by pain in his hand –

He opens it –

The Green Fairy Light escapes.

FINESSE
Okay, they have different powers.  The blue ones sting, but the green ones can sap your energy.

She suddenly turns to face the Yellow Fairy Light.

FINESSE
Oh no you don’t –

Finesse, Amity, Faust and Boiling Point glow yellow –

And vanish, along with the Yellow Fairy Light.

CHRONAL
They’re gone!  Oh no!  Do you know what this means?

AMALGAM
They might be in danger?

CHRONAL
Well, maybe.  But think of the danger we’re in now!

WEATHERVANE
Without some of our most powerful allies?

CHRONAL
Well, yes, but also, we’ve lost our leader  – and that means I’m in charge!

Amalgam and Weathervane look horrified.

CUT TO:

7  EXT.  BRANCHES UNKNOWN LEVEL.  Day.

Another floor of branches.  There are many large baubles here.

A yellow light shines –

And FINESSE, AMITY, FAUST and BOILING POINT materialise –

Along with a YELLOW FAIRY LIGHT.

Boiling Point becomes a MONSTER –

Who punches the Yellow Fairy Light into the distance.

FINESSE
I suppose that’s one way of sorting it.

FAUST
Where are we now?

AMITY
Another bit of the tree?

FAUST
I was hoping for something more specific.

A dart hits him in the neck.

FAUST
I am so fed up of being spiked by things.

They look up –

And in the sky, they see a mechanical reindeer.  Familiar, but made of metal.  A red glowing LED bulb for a nose.

This is ROBO RUDOLPH

AMITY
I think it’s seen that Boiling Point has Vanilla Rudolph’s antlers.

Boiling Point roars a bit.

FINESSE
Alright, team – time for us to work together.  I name our team Anger Management.

FAUST
Why?

FINESSE
We all have powers based on emotion or control, so –

FAUST
No – why do we need a team name?

FINESSE
Oh, because you just know Chronal will have coined a team name.

CUT TO:

8  EXT.  BRANCHES LEVEL 3.  Day.

CHRONAL, AMALGAM and WEATHERVANE are on a new level of branches.  From now on, all levels we see will contain enormous baubles.

CHRONAL
Made it to the next level.  Good work, Team Cockerel.

WEATHERVANE
Team what?!

CHRONAL
You get cockerels on weathervanes.  So it represents time and animals.

AMALGAM
Animals!

CHRONAL
You see?  It’s perfect.

A transparent bone-white spirit appears ahead of them.  This is DOVE.  Despite appearing frail and spectral, she speaks like a stressed middle manager.

DOVE
How did YOU get here?

WEATHERVANE
We climbed.

DOVE
Your name isn’t on my list.

AMALGAM
You don’t even have a list!

DOVE I beg your pardon?  I have memorised the list.

CHRONAL
Ah!  Then how do you know our names aren’t on it?

DOVE
There are only three names on my list.

WEATHERVANE
Well, there’s only three of us.

DOVE
There are six of you, including your raven, goat and dog.

AMALGAM
Oh, we’re all just one person.

DOVE
How did that dog climb up here anyway?

AMALGAM
Oh, well obviously ...

WEATHERVANE
Actually, that doesn’t make any sense, does it?

CHRONAL
Anyway, Amalgam is just one being, made of three mammals and a bird, and also an octopus, but Octopus is doing some Christmas shopping at the moment, so ...

AMALGAM
Everyone’s getting shells this year!

WEATHERVANE
So you can let us through.

DOVE I must ask your names.

WEATHERVANE
Oh!  Argh.  Um ...

CHRONAL
Wendy ...

WEATHERVANE
THAT DOESN’T COUNT, that’s not any of our names.

CHRONAL
I panicked.

AMALGAM
Wait!  I’m King Dave.

CHRONAL
Ohhh, yes – and I’m King Steve.

WEATHERVANE
And I’m the other one.

DOVE
You don’t look much like a Nigel.

WEATHERVANE
My brother doesn’t look like a Merlin.

DOVE
You may pass.

CHRONAL
Genius.

CUT TO:

9  EXT.  UNKNOWN BRANCHES LEVEL.  Day.

FINESSE, BOILING POINT, FAUST and AMITY are fighting ROBO RUDOLPH.

AMITY
This would be so much easier with a quarterstaff.

Faust jumps up –

And grabs onto Robo Rudolph’s antlers.

Robo Rudolph shoots steel darts towards Finesse –

Who’s pushed out of the way by Amity.

Rudolph shakes off Faust –

Who lands near Monster Boiling Point.

FINESSE
We need to get Boiling Point up there somehow.

FAUST
I know what to do.  Amity – calm her down.

Amity reduces Boiling Point’s rage until she becomes human.

BOILING POINT
Oh, hi everyone!

FAUST
I need to throw you at the reindeer.

BOILING POINT
That’s a great sentence.

Faust’s arm muscles ripple –

He kneels down –

And lifts Boiling Point –

Throwing her like a caber.

FAUST
Okay, now make her angry!

FINESSE
(fast)
For the first four months we were a team I got paid 75% what Chronal did!

Boiling Point becomes furious –

Starts to turn into the monster –

Until she lands on Robo Rudolph –

And her weight causes both to fall from the sky –

Crash-landing on the ground.

Robo Rudolph is in pieces.

Monster Boiling Point takes its antlers for her collection.

FINESSE Nice work everyone!  We’ve earned ourselves a rest.

All around them, multi-coloured lights appear.

FINESSE
Oh, for the love of –

The FAIRY LIGHTS attack!

CUT TO:

10  EXT.  BRANCHES LEVEL 4.  Day.

CHRONAL, AMALGAM and WEATHERVANE continue to climb.

WEATHERVANE
Hey, where’s Raven?

AMALGAM
Searching for the others.

CHRONAL
Let’s hope we don’t bump into a villain with a weakness to ravens, then.

AMALGAM
Most villains have a weakness to ravens.

A WHINY MAN’s voice is heard ahead.

WHINY MAN
Scribblers!  We meet again.

WEATHERVANE
Oh, God, it’s you.

The whiny man is MANTA CLAUSE, a festive MRA.

AMALGAM
You tried to ruin Christmas last year!

CHRONAL
Hang on.  You were also human-sized last year.  Why are you so small?

MANTA CLAUSE
I ... tried to steal the Christmas tree.

AMALGAM
Why on earth - ?

MANTA CLAUSE
Because Finesse tied me to a chair and locked me in a cupboard. And forgot about me. It's been a week.

CHRONAL
Well, she's had a lot on her mind.

WEATHERVANE
Oh, hey – the nature of the end of the world just changed.  If anyone’s curious.

MANTA CLAUSE
No no no!  We were about to fight.

AMALGAM
Hang on, Manta.

MANTA CLAUSE
I like to pronounce it MANta.

AMALGAM
It won’t cost us anything to check.  How is the world going to end now, Weathervane?

WEATHERVANE
It’ll end because of a pineapple apocalypse.

MANTA CLAUSE
WHAT?!

CHRONAL
Like a zombie apocalypse, but with pineapples.

MANTA CLAUSE But I love pineapples!

AMALGAM
This must be a very sad time for you.

MANTA CLAUSE
I ... I just always assumed the world would end because of Social Justice Warriors.

Manta sits down to think sadly about pineapples.

The Scribblers get away.

CHRONAL
Quick thinking, Weathervane!  Everyone knows how much Manta loves pineapples.

AMALGAM
That was a very clever lie.

WEATHERVANE
Yes it was.

Weathervane changes her sword into a pen.

She makes a note on her hand:

“RESEARCH WEAKNESSES OF PINEAPPLES”

CUT TO:

11  EXT.  UNKNOWN BRANCHES LEVEL.  Day.

FINESSE, BOILING POINT, FAUST and AMITY are fighting FAIRY LIGHTS.

Boiling Point is in monster form, swiping at the Fairy Lights, batting them out of the air playfully.

Faust is running, jumping, attacking individual Fairy Lights with precision.

Amity and Finesse are doing their best to manipulate the emotions and powers of the Fairy Lights.

AMITY
This is really difficult.

FINESSE
Teeny tiny emotions?

AMITY
Yes! It’s like wearing thick gloves and trying to pick up an earring back. And they move so fast it’s difficult to concentrate on one –

She waves a hand as a blue one speeds at her –

It u-turns away, squeaking.

AMITY
Vague blasts are a bit better. How about you?

FINESSE
Same problem. Except I can’t really vague-blast like you can. Although...

She ducks under a green one –

Holds up a hand at a yellow one –

And it teleports into a group of three blues –

And then teleports them all away.

FINESSE
Focusing on yellow isn’t so bad. Wait -

She spins around.

FINESSE
New ones!

Red and purple Fairy Lights descend in a cloud.

FAUST
What can they do?

AMITY
Also, I think Boiling Point is calming down. She’s just sort of... playing.

FINESSE
The reds are venomous, and the purples can –

A force field slams into Faust, knocking him back.

He growls as his physique changes, becoming broad and low.

FINESSE
Create forcefields.

She waves a hand.

Seven Fairy Lights are trapped, and Faust punches them away.

Boiling Point morphs human again.

AMITY
Welcome back!

BOILING POINT
Hello! Sorry, I didn’t maul anyone this time, did I?

AMITY
Not at all! Everything’s fine.

FINESSE
This time?

A red Fairy Light dives down –

And stabs Boiling Point!

She screams –

And transforms into her monster form!

She launches herself after it, roaring –

Straight towards the edge of the branch!

FAUST
No!

AMITY
I can’t get her in time - !

FINESSE
Amity, focus me! Now!

Amity waves at Finesse –

Finesse looks up, determined –

- throws up a hand –

- all the yellow Fairy Lights suddenly zoom toward her –

Boiling Point reaches the edge and leaps after her red one –

- into space!

She starts falling –

And a web of yellow light streaks out from the yellow Fairy Lights –

And all four Scribblers are teleported away, leaving the dancing swarm of Fairy Lights behind.

CUT TO:

12  EXT.  BRANCHES LEVEL 5.  Day.

ALL SCRIBBLERS appear in a twin blast of yellow light. Boiling Point is still raging, rolling around and clawing at her shoulder; Faust is still transformed into his solid, sturdy form. Weathervane hastily reactivates her sword. Finesse drops to her knees.

FINESSE
May I say: ow.

AMALGAM
Hooray! We’re back together!

FAUST
Stop standing around, you idiots! Someone fix the monster!

CHRONAL
I can freeze her!

He does.

CHRONAL
Over to Amity!

AMITY
Yes, hang on... It’s a fairy simple venom, I can make her body dissipate it – there.

FAUST
Finally.

WEATHERVANE
Okay, do him next.

Amity pats Faust’s arm. He transforms back human, and blinks.

FAUST
Gosh, sorry, that was very harsh. Well done.

Boiling Point transforms back. Weathervane transforms the sword back into a pen.

BOILING POINT
Hi guys! Why does my shoulder hurt?

FINESSE
You got bitten by a venomous Fairy Light, and I demand to know why I’ve had to say that sentence. What is happening. Why has anyone stolen our tree anyway.

CHRONAL
Why does Boiling Point have two sets of antlers?

BOILING POINT
I’m not entirely sure.

AMITY
We fought Robo Rudolph. You?

WEATHERVANE
Oh, oh my god, we fought Manta Clause!

FAUST
What?!

AMALGAM
I don’t think we can describe that as fighting. We left him crying about pineapples.

CHRONAL
Also there was some sort of manager –

DOVE (v/o)
You are definitely not on my list!

DOVE appears! She rears above them, floaty and spectral and really pissed off.

CHRONAL
There she is!

AMALGAM
Wait! Um... These are our guests!

DOVE
What?

FINESSE
What?

AMALGAM
Well, we’re on the list, aren’t we? These are our guests.

DOVE
There is no guest list, King Dave!

AMITY
What?

BOILING POINT
I’ve spent a lot of time as a monster today and I don’t know what is happening.

WEATHERVANE
No, he’s right, we decided as it’s Christmas that we’d invite our friends round –

DOVE
Kings Dave, Steve and Nigel have no friends!

AMITY
Probably because they don’t give out quarterstaffs.

DOVE
You lied!

She blazes, a silvery light emanating from her.

DOVE
You will be removed!

She holds up an arm –

And the Scribblers all relax and sit down –

And a metal dart hits Faust.

FAUST
Ha. Me again.

And MECHA RUDOLPH rises into view, covered in high-tech armour that flies, its nose a vivid red arc-reactor. Metal spikes bristle off its mighty antlers, ready to fire.

FINESSE
Cool, it’s regenerated again.

CHRONAL
It’s still so cute.

AMALGAM
Wait, what’s happening? Why are you all sitting there?

CHRONAL
Dunno. Just chilling.

DOVE
They are surrendering to the calm of the Dove.  And frankly, you should be doing the same thing.

AMALGAM
Oh, I see!  Well, part of my brain is in the sea right now, so you can’t affect me like that.

DOVE
If you will not surrender in the name of peace and love, then I shall have to imprison you by force.

AMALGAM
That’s quite exciting, actually.  I’ve been wondering how a ghost would fight.

DOVE
I am NOT A GHOST.  Besides, I do not intend to fight.  The Dove is a messenger.

The Dove starts to sing a haunting Christmas carol, mysteriously amplified throughout the tree –

And we zoom out –

Revealing the entire tree, still in the town centre.

The tree begins to quiver –

And we zoom back in –

Until we can see the various baubles.

They begin to open!

We’re now zoomed all the way back to the Scribblers –

Who are starting to shake off the Dove’s influence, with Amalgam’s help.

BOILING POINT
They’re opening!

FINESSE
This has been a long day.  If they’re not full of sweets, I’ll be furious.

AMITY
Hope one of them has a quarterstaff!

The baubles finally open fully –

Revealing a dozen HUMANS in each, wearing severe and intimidating uniforms.

WEATHERVANE
Goons.  The baubles were full of goons.

Weathervane turns her pen into a sword.

Faust’s body ripples, making him strong and fast.

Amity holds her hands towards Boiling Point, increasing her rage –

And Boiling Point becomes a monster.

FAUST
I’m ready to fight.
(beat)
Actually, I might have a lie down first.

WEATHERVANE
Good idea.  I’m pretty tired from climbing this tree.

Boiling Point becomes human again.

BOILING POINT
Seems a bit silly to be so angry.

FAUST
I’m going to optimise my body for the perfect nap.

The goons walk around the Scribblers, who happily allow themselves to be surrounded.

AMALGAM
I’m sure you all know what you’re doing, but I don’t suppose you’ve fallen under the Dove’s control again, have you?

CHRONAL
Oh, Amalgam.  We don’t need the Dove to have a nice relaxing sit down.

AMITY
His name’s Animalgaman.

CHRONAL
Finesse says I mustn’t call him that.

FINESSE
Oh, don’t worry about it.  You call him whatever you like.

AMALGAM
Alright, that confirms it.

Dog pounces on Dove from above –

And Raven appears from beneath the branches –

And the Dove screams, sounding like a soprano hitting a high note.

FINESSE
Run!

The Scribblers fight their way past the goons –

Boiling Point becoming a monster again –

And they run!

FINESSE
Oh, and he’s not called Animalgaman.

CUT TO:

13  EXT.  BRANCHES - VARIOUS.  Day.

The SCRIBBLERS run through the tree, climbing and fighting goons as they go.

FAIRY LIGHTS start attacking as well.

AMITY’s arms waving around as she affects the goons’ minds –

The goons in turn freezing in place, or turning on each other.

WEATHERVANE making a beeline for armed goons –

Fighting them with her new sword –

Disarming them and moving on.

FINESSE is focused on the Fairy Lights, using their powers against them, and against the goons.

AMALGAM’s animal selves causing chaos –

GOAT butting goons out of the way –

RAVEN distracting them by flying in their faces –

DOG growling and looking as fierce as possible (although its tail is wagging all the while).

BOILING POINT running as a human –

Occasionally becoming a monster when the number of goons is overwhelming –

Calming down afterwards to be able to climb and run more safely.

FAUST changing his body from optimum fighter to optimum runner to optimum climber.

CHRONAL micromanages the battle, slowing down enemies and speeding up Scribblers.

CUT TO:

14  EXT.  TOP OF THE TREE.  Day.

The SCRIBBLERS have made it to the top at last.  The top of the tree now contains an ivory castle shaped like a star.

FAUST
We’ve made it!

FINESSE
Who’s built a castle on our sodding Christmas tree?

WEATHERVANE
Can we siege it?

CHRONAL
Let’s do it!

A shadow appears over them – something is flying overhead.

BOILING POINT
They’ve got a guard dog.

AMALGAM
A dog!

BOILING POINT
Not literally.  Something they’ve left to guard the castle.

The flying guardian comes closer.

FINESSE
Okay, Boiling Point, get ready.  We know what’s coming.

FAUST
Do we?

FINESSE
Flying guardian?  Look, here it comes – and it’s MEGA RUDO- a giant wasp?!

AMITY
Oh my God.

FAUST
Why would there be a giant wasp?

AMALGAM
Hooray!

CHRONAL
That’s in no way Christmassy!

AMITY
Why is there always a horrible Christmas wasp?!?

AMALGAM
I love the Christmas wasp!

The Christmas Wasp shrieks –

Curls its abdomen forward –

And its stinger, six feet long and as broad as a traffic cone, shoots at them.
The Scribblers scatter.

AMALGAM
I am ambivalent towards the Christmas Wasp.

The Christmas Wasp’s stinger grows back.

FINESSE
Let’s defeat the Christmas Wasp, before we get impaled.

AMITY
I can only do incredibly basic emotions here. It doesn’t really have the capacity for complex.

The Christmas Wasp dives at them –

They scatter, but it catches Goat in its mandibles –

Amalgam cries out –

And Weathervane swings her sword –

Slicing off the mandibles.

The Christmas Wasp backs off.

WEATHERVANE
This pen is great!

AMALGAM
Thank you! That nearly got my goat.

CHRONAL
Ha!

AMITY
Okay, I am not pleased, though, with us maiming –

FINESSE
It’s growing back.

The mandibles have grown back.

AMITY
Oh. Well. This is weird.

BOILING POINT
Maybe we should just punch it?

CHRONAL
It’s very big.

BOILING POINT
Maybe we should punch it with a very big fist?

FINESSE
Okay, Chronal, when it gets close enough, freeze it. Then we can –

AMALGAM
There’s something weird on its back.

The Christmas Wasp dives at them again, stinger out –

Just as it’s about to hit Faust –

Chronal freezes it.

CHRONAL
Caught!

AMALGAM
Look, up there! Behind its head! Some sort of box?

FAUST
Hang on.

He transforms all climby.

He climbs up onto the Christmas Wasp.

Goat also climbs up.

FAUST
It’s electrical.

AMALGAM
It’s a control device! See the wifi emitter?

Goat headbutts it.

FAUST
Yes.

AMITY
If we destroy it, will it be friendly?

FINESSE
If we destroy it, you might be able to make it friendly.

WEATHERVANE
And we have a high castle wall to breach...

CUT TO:

15  EXT.  CASTLE GROUNDS.  Day.

The castle grounds are deserted, except for some ROBOTIC TOY SOLDIERS. It is peaceful and lovely, with the high wall running around. But suddenly –

A buzzing gets louder and louder –

And the CHRISTMAS WASP appears, rising above the wall!

THE SCRIBBLERS are all on board!

AMALGAM
I love the Christmas Wasp!

Weathervane, Boiling Point and Faust jump into the courtyard –

Faust’s muscles rippling –

Boiling Point becoming a monster –

Weathervane holding her sword.

AMITY
(calling)
They’re robots!  I can’t affect them.

WEATHERVANE
I have a sword! I can.

The three Scribblers on the ground fight their way through the soldiers.

CUT TO:

16  INT.  THRONE ROOM.  Day.

An enormous room, ceilings too high to see.  The walls are a dark navy, decorated with glowing stars.  15 feet above the floor, the wall is bordered by a row of hundreds of small windows.  Each one contains a FAIRY LIGHT, on guard.  On the throne is the STAR QUEEN, her outfit half regal, half supervillain.  She holds a long sceptre with a crystal star on the end.  When she eventually speaks, her voice is incredibly deep.  Next to the throne is MECHA RUDOLPH, a more complicated robot form.

The door is knocked down –

Revealing monster BOILING POINT looking embarrassed.  FAUST and WEATHERVANE are with her.

FAUST
I don’t even think that door was locked.

Boiling Point roars apologetically.

STAR QUEEN
You have breached my throne room.  You think yourselves brave, but now you will die.

The remaining SCRIBBLERS arrive, still riding the CHRISTMAS WASP.

FINESSE
I think you’ll find we’ve breached OUR throne room.

WEATHERVANE
Yeah, if you build a castle on our tree, that means we own a castle.

CHRONAL
Hang on – I know you.

STAR QUEEN
I am known to everyone.  I am the darkness and the end of all things –

CHRONAL
Yeah, but you’re also the Angel of Undeath.  You used to team up with the Flying Corpses.

AMITY
Oh, I remember her!  Wasn’t she called Fallen Angel?

AMALGAM
She was also Morning Star when she used to fight Lunarion.  And I think once, she was called Lucy Fur.

FINESSE
And now she’s Lucy Fir.  Hehe.

WEATHERVANE
That joke doesn’t work out loud, Finesse.

FINESSE
Whatever.  You understood it.

A flash of yellow light –

And MANTA CLAUSE is in the throne room.

MANTA CLAUSE
I’ve finally made it!  Prepare yourselves Scribblers.  I will have my revenge.

STAR QUEEN
You will not stage your battle here, mortal.  You have made a terrible error in invading my Queendom.

MANTA CLAUSE
Queendom?  God, does there have to be a female version of everything?

STAR QUEEN
That is no way to speak to your ruler.

MANTA CLAUSE
I will die before I am ruled by a woman.

The Star Queen shrugs.

She pulls out a pistol –

And shoots Manta Clause dead.

CHRONAL
OH MY ACTUAL GOD!

FAUST
You just killed him!

AMITY
You actually proper killed him!

FINESSE
Though for the record, I’m kind of okay with this.

STAR QUEEN
He disrespected the Star Queen.  His life was forfeit.

She holds her sceptre towards Manta’s corpse.

STAR QUEEN
But he can serve me yet.

A burst of white light stems from the sceptre –

And Manta stands up.

ZOMBIE MANTA shuffles towards the Scribblers.

STAR QUEEN
Mecha Rudolph.  Aim for the wasp.

Mecha Rudolph flies into the air, filling the room with the sound of Christmassy steampunk.

The wasp-riding Scripplers jump to the ground –

And the Christmas Wasp battles with Mecha Rudolph.

Zombie Manta approaches.

AMITY
He isn’t capable of any emotion except hunger.

AMALGAM
Shall we get a Christmas dinner going, then?

WEATHERVANE
I think he only eats human brains now.

FAUST
Chronal’s safe then.

CHRONAL
Oi!
(beat)
Wait.  Are you saying I’m not human, or that I don’t have brains?

FAUST
I made it deliberately ambiguous.

CHRONAL
I hate it when you’re all powered up and non-empathetic.

FINESSE
He isn’t right now.

CHRONAL
Hey!

AMITY
Okay! Let’s try and bring Manta Clause back! I’ll get the staff!

Zombie Manta lumbers at them.

Amity runs after the Star Queen, followed by Amalgam and some animals.

Raven flies hopefully around Zombie Manta.

FINESSE
No point – she can’t resurrect people, only reanimate –

AMITY
But as heroes we have to try!

FINESSE
It’s not even in her staff, Amity, it’s her own powers. That’s just for show –

AMITY
WE HAVE TO TRY

AMALGAM
A staff! Throw the staff!!

Boiling Point sits down –

- yawns –

- and morphs human again.

BOILING POINT
Hi guys – oh. Well. He doesn’t look good.

Zombie Manta reaches Faust, and tries to eat him.

Faust grows his arm long and strong.

He holds him off easily.

FAUST
So, ethical question – can he be resurrected?

BOILING POINT
Oh, could we save him?

FINESSE
No.

BOILING POINT
I mean, I know that’s not our powers. But is there someone else who could? Is there a Lady Lazarus anywhere about? A Jesus Christ Superman?

CHRONAL
Those are really good!

FINESSE
No. That’s no one’s powers. That’s a corpse.

WEATHERVANE
I mean, ethically – should we save him even if we find one? He is a spectacularly sad man. I think this is kinder.

FAUST
So he’s definitely dead?

FINESSE
That’s a corpse, yes.

Zombie Manta is pawing ineffectually at Faust’s arm.

FAUST
So... we could just... rot him?

CHRONAL
Rot him?! But he’s – I mean, look at him –

FAUST
He’s trying to eat my face.

BOILING POINT
And, er, Amalgam is trying to eat his.

Raven is now sitting on Zombie Manta’s shoulder.

It looks embarrassed.

AMALGAM
(calling)
Sorry!

Meanwhile, Amity and the Star Queen are circling one another. This would look more like a cool face-off of hero and villain, except Goat, Dog and Human Amalgam keep darting in at the Star Queen, trying to pull the staff away excitedly. She therefore has to keep yanking it away.

AMITY
I’m going to make you feel really contrite and hand over the cool staff.

STAR QUEEN
You cannot. Its crystal shields my mind from outside forces. I am space and stardust and death and life. I cannot be defeated by will you keep that bloody dog off my pissing staff.

AMALGAM
Ha ha! Throw it! I’ll bring it back!

AMITY
(to Star Queen)
Okay, but that’s not entirely true. I can still feel your emotions, and you’re really very entitled, you know. No one has ever said ‘no’ to you, have they?

STAR QUEEN
Silence, child! I am power incarnate! I take what I want!

Goat charges in from the side –

The Star Queen draws her gun again –

Amity grabs her wrist and punches her –

As Amalgam grabs the staff and wrenches it out of her grip –

And hurls it away from them all!

But the Star Queen turns on Amity –

Who ducks under the blast from her fingers –

Kicks her in the stomach –

Knocking her back.

AMITY
Grab the staff!

Dog races after it –

The Star Queen blasts at Amity again –

Who rolls away –

Rises –

And the Star Queen stops, and looks down.

Dog is sitting at her feet with the staff, wagging its tail.

AMITY
My love, you know you are my dearest love, but did you just - ?

AMALGAM (mournfully)
I’m so sorry. It’s been a very exciting thirty seconds.

Meanwhile, Weathervane is poking Zombie Manta with her sword.

WEATHERVANE
Okay look, he is definitely dead. He’s not bleeding, even! And he didn’t say ‘ow’, and I just stabbed him.

CHRONAL
I know, but... this just feels so wrong. He was fine a minute ago!

BOILING POINT
No he wasn’t.

CHRONAL
He was alive a minute ago!

BOILING POINT
That’s more accurate.

FAUST
I just want to reiterate, for the benefit of giving this discussion full weight, that he is, in fact, still trying to eat my face.

FINESSE
Okay, you know what? Mecha Rudolf is trying to eat our wasp, Amity and Amalgam would probably like some help with the Star Queen –

AMITY (calling)
Well, I certainly would!

FINESSE
- and I want to take my tree and go home. Okay? So either you’re rotting him or I am.

CHRONAL
Yes, alright. This is just a very off-beat Christmas.

FINESSE
Blame the weirdo who thinks she’s an angel, Chronal.

WEATHERVANE
Is she any sort of angel?

FINESSE
The hell she is. She’s Chloe Morgan from Butetown, Cardiff, who runs an aesthetic blog.

BOILING POINT
Why has she even done all this?

FINESSE
Good question. Chronal, rot the undead meninist and let’s sort this out.

CHRONAL
Stand back everyone – this is going to be deeply disgusting.

He waves his hands.

Zombie Manta quickly rots down in a time bubble.

The Scribblers step back smartly.

WEATHERVANE
Wow, yes, that was gross.

FAUST
There’s Manta on my boot.

FINESSE
Alright, Boiling Point? Please take out that very-cute-but-antagonistic Mecha Rudolph.

BOILING POINT
Oh, okay! Uh. I’m not that angry, though –

FAUST
Manta Clause wrote a badly-spelled essay on why the wage gap is a myth.

BOILING POINT
... I mean, that would normally do it, but he’s a puddle now, so...

WEATHERVANE
Wait, I’ve got this! The state paid for Margaret Thatcher’s funeral!

Boiling Point transforms and leaps after Mecha Rudolf –

Seizing her about the neck.

The servos inside whine –

And Mecha Rudolf shoots sideways –

Straight into the wall.

Boiling Point roars, and tears off its antlers.

Mecha Rudolf goes still.

FINESSE
Good! Amity! One Christmas Wasp!

AMITY
That is not the good news to me you think it is!

But she holds up a hand –

And the Christmas Wasp flies in –

Straight at the Star Queen!

The Star Queen tries to blast it –

But the Christmas Wasp body slams her –

Knocking her down to the ground.

Amity grabs the staff –

But can’t quite wrestle it free.

AMITY
Give... me... that... staff...

She plants her foot against the Star Queen’s face.

STAR QUEEN
Hey!!

Amity pulls –

And the staff comes free!

AMITY
Yes!!

She spins –

And smashes the crystal end on the floor.

The Star Queen screams in rage, still trapped beneath the Christmas Wasp.

STAR QUEEN
It matters not! I am ice and fire and death incarnate!! Meet your doom, Scribblers!!

She fires a blast at Amity –

But it arcs away, and out of the hole where the door was.

FINESSE
Obviously not. Do the reading.

STAR QUEEN
I cannot be defeated.  I am always one step ahead.

From her queen-villain robes, Star Queen reveals a bomb!

STAR QUEEN
Leave now.  Or I detonate this bomb, taking out the entire city centre.

But Amity swings the crystal-less staff –

Knocking the bomb out of Star Queen’s hand.

AMITY
I’ve got a fucking quarterstaff.

The Scribblers all gather round. Boiling Point becomes human again, now wearing three pairs of antlers.

CHRONAL
So... Why did you do all this?

STAR QUEEN
Plans were put into motion so very long ago.

FINESSE
Shut up, Chloe.  You were trying to take over Nepal in September.

STAR QUEEN
This tree was to be launched into the night sky.  A shining star at Christmas.  It would have transmitted a signal to the minds of every human on this planet, spreading discord and hate.

AMITY
Hang on.  Is this tree a spaceship?!

WEATHERVANE
Bad luck, Star Queen.  That’s another Christmas saved by the Scribblers.

AMITY
I love spaceships!

FAUST
It’s really more of a space-tree.

AMITY
Can we launch it?

AMALGAM
Maybe on boxing day.

BOILING POINT
Well, let’s tie up the loose ends.

Boiling Point brings out a pair of Christmas handcuffs –

And cuffs the Star Queen.

CHRONAL
I’m not sure I want to know why you have those.

BOILING POINT
Festive crime fighting!

WEATHERVANE Does anyone have a plan to grow us back to size?

FINESSE
Oh, simple.  That’s the power of the Orange Fairy Lights.

Everything glows orange.

CUT TO:

17  INT.  SCRIBBLE PIT.  Night.

The SCRIBBLERS are sitting around in party hats, the Christmas tree back in place.  The Christmas Wasp is on top. Amity is picking at the tree, holding a bucket in her other hand.

AMITY
Aaaaand … done.  That’s the last of the goons.

FINESSE
Oh, it’s nice to have the tree back.

AMALGAM
And it’s a good thing it isn’t a sinister satellite spaceship anymore!

CHRONAL
Oh, isn’t it?

FAUST
No.  Weathervane broke the mechanism with her new sword.
(beat)
And then Amity smashed it with her new quarterstaff.

BOILING POINT
Where is the sword, anyway?

Weathervane holds up a pen.

WEATHERVANE
I keep it like this.  A pen’s more convenient than a sword.

AMITY
That expression doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

CHRONAL
Well done, everyone.  And can I say – it’s so lovely seeing you all this Christmas.

HIPPO TIM
God bless us.  Every one.

WEATHERVANE
Who the fuck is Hippo Tim?

THE END

Saturday, 28 November 2015

Scribblers: The Awful Man Who Tried To Ruin Christmas

The Awful Man Who Tried To Ruin Christmas


1  INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.  Day.


FINESSE and CHRONAL are playing Scribbler Kart on the Wii U.  AMITY is trying her best to knit a scarf, but WRAITH keeps making the needles invisible.  A RAVEN is sitting on Amity’s shoulder.  WEATHERVANE is tweeting "Merry Christmas #banmushrooms #savetheworld" to her 2 billion followers.  FAUST is reading an exciting romantic novel set during a socialist uprising.  It is called "First Against The Wall", a rude double-meaning.  SHIFT has transformed into a cat (she was originally a dog, but Weathervane felt uneasy).  RECOOPERATE is watching Amity knit.


RECOOPERATE
Woah, it's so cool you can just make scarves.


AMITY
It's easy - I could teach you!


RECOOPERATE
Nah, I reckon it's like ... your superpower.


AMITY
Um.  I do actually have superpowers.


RECOOPERATE
Oh, yeah.  It's awesome we all have superpowers, eh?


WRAITH
Shift - can you help me put up some tinsel?


Shift becomes a human.  Then, because it's Christmas, she grows reindeer antlers.


SHIFT
Okay - where do you want to ...


She sees Wraith's tinsel, which is a really ugly blue colour.


SHIFT
Oh, that tinsel is really ugly, Wraith.  Why not decorate the bin with it?  On the inside.


WRAITH
It's actually a trophy.  I stole it from Manta Clause.


FAUST
Who's Manta Clause?


CHRONAL
He's this Men's Rights Activist guy who keeps fighting us as different villains.


FINESSE
Yeah, he's had loads of supervillain names.  He's been Y Chromosome, the Bloker, Sir Manattee ...


WEATHERVANE
Oh my God, was he the Brotalitarian?


FINESSE
Yes!  How do you know him?


WEATHERVANE
He has a Tumblr.


FAUST
I think you get too much enjoyment from idiots on the internet.


WEATHERVANE
Look.  When your superpower is that you can always see the end of the world coming, it's nice to remind yourself that there's a silver lining.


Suddenly, the heroes VANISH -


2  INT. A TUNNEL.  Day.


- and appear in a tunnel! So random! Plot twist! One end is in darkness. The other is light.


FINESSE
Oh for fucking out loud.


SHIFT
What an inconvenient moment in all our lives.


RECOOPERATE
Woah, have we been teleported?!


CHRONAL
Ooh, I hate that. It makes time go all squidgey.


FINESSE
We'll use proper terminology if you don't mind, young man.


CHRONAL
Sorry. Timey-wimey.


FINESSE
Better.


WRAITH
But why are we in a tunnel? Shouldn't we be in some villain's lair? Ain't no style in a random tunnel, son.


FAUST
Yes, I would have expected more in the way of spike pits and fire traps at least.


FINESSE
Alright, time loss?


CHRONAL
No.


FINESSE
Nearby persons of ill intent?


AMITY
No.


FINESSE
Light-based illusions?


WRAITH
No.


FINESSE
Helpful nearby animal contacts to tell us where we are?


SHIFT
No.


FINESSE
Any good news?


WEATHERVANE
Ooh, oh my god, yes! Mushrooms will no longer end the world.


SHIFT
Hooray! I can eat risotto again.


FAUST
What'll end it now?


WEATHERVANE
Eh, we're back to climate change again for a bit.


RECOOPERATE
Someone should sort that, really. It's getting a bit bad, now.


FINESSE
We'll put it on the list, right after leaving this tunnel and punching whoever put us here.


FAUST
It'll be Manta Clause, though, won't it?  Wraith stole his tinsel.


SHIFT
Yes.  And he usually attacks at Christmas.  Because he's a big awkward.


WEATHERVANE
Be fair.  If his name's Manta Clause, it's not like he can attack at any other time.


AMITY
Hang on.  Which way are we going? Can we choose using an elaborate game?!


FINESSE
Actually, Wraith is going to check the dark end by throwing light at it.


WRAITH
Oh really. Really. Wraith is, is he?


Finesse uses his powers to throw light at the dark end. It is a bricked up dead end.


WRAITH
Well played, snowflake.


They walk towards the light end.


3  INT.  THE GROTTO.  Day.


The heroes enter a huge cave covered in cheap Christmas decorations.


WRAITH
Oh my God, this is the worst set decoration I've ever seen.


SHIFT
I don't think it's a set.  I think someone lives here.


AMITY
That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.


RECOOPERATE
I'd love to put a gig on here.  All the acts would have to do a Christmas-themed set.


Suddenly, a WHINY MAN's voice is heard.


WHINY MAN
Scribblers!  And guests.  You may not know who I am, but -


FAUST
You're Manta Clause.


WHINY MAN
- BUT I KNOW YOU.


FAUST
Yeah.  And we know you.


WHINY MAN
Too long, you so-called heroes have pushed your commie agenda on the
world, with your woman leader and anti-capitalist plots.


CHRONAL
Ooh, you read my book?


AMITY
Guys, I can sense his emotions.  And -


FINESSE
They're exactly what we expect?


AMITY
Yeah.  Much less complicated than he thinks.


WHINY MAN
This isn't about revenge.  This is about -


WEATHERVANE
Ethics in journalism?


WHINY MAN
This is about PROVING that I am superior to you.  You will take it in turns to face an enemy from your past.


Suddenly, Amity teleports away, leaving the raven behind  -


4.  INT.  BATTLIN RING.  Day.


- and appears in a wrestling ring decorated with fairy lights and tinsel.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Today, Amity, you will be facing … Blood Diamond!


And BLOOD DIAMOND (45, professional, cruel) appears.  She’s wearing a costume made of several colourful wraps, her face covered.


AMITY
Blood Diamond?!  You’ve never cared about revenge.  What are you doing here?


BLOOD DIAMOND
I was kidnapped from my office.  I have no idea what I’m doing here.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Blood Diamond!  I have positioned three snipers in your city.  If you defeat Amity -


BLOOD DIAMOND
I’m not playing your game.  Murder my workers, and I will murder you in return.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
No, no - you don’t understand.  The snipers are aiming at the CEOs of the three rival companies which rank above yours.  Beat Amity, and I order them to shoot.


BLOOD DIAMOND
Oh.  Well.  You should have said.


And Blood Diamond immediately launches herself at Amity -


- who dodges easily.


Blood Diamond swings around -


- aiming a punch at Amity’s head -


- but Amity ducks -


- and holds up her hand.


Blood Diamond’s body language starts to loosen, as Amity calms her down.


BLOOD DIAMOND
Leave my mind alone, child.


AMITY
Come on mate.  Chill out.


And Blood Diamond starts to transform -


Her entire body becoming diamond-hard (and diamond-shiny).


Amity tries controlling her -


But nothing works.


Out of Blood Diamond’s hand grows a diamond sword -


Which she swings wildly, brutally, in Amity’s direction -


Who avoids blow after blow.


AMITY
Ooh, hang on.


Swing -


Dodge -


Swing -


Dodge.


AMITY
What gives you your diamond form?  Your power’s in your brain chemistry, isn’t it?


BLOOD DIAMOND
Stand still, scum.


AMITY
So that means I can undo it -


Swing -


Dodge.


AMITY
Or better yet -


Swing -


Dodge.


AMITY
Overload it.


Amity holds up a hand -


And Blood Diamond starts to grow, as random diamond formations appear and grow all over her body.


Blood Diamond tries to move -


But she’s too heavy.


She falls to the ground.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Oh.  Okay.  First round goes to Amity.


5  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day.


The ring has been reset.  CHRONAL appears.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Chronal.  You’re fast.  But let’s see if you can outspeed … CAPTAIN FAST!!


CAPTAIN FAST (32, excitable, mischievous) appears.  She’s in an entirely black costume with go-faster stripes down the sides.


CHRONAL
Oh, crikey.


CAPTAIN FAST
Hi Chronal how are you!  It’s so brilliant we get to have a rematch isn’t it?  I nearly got you last time if it wasn’t for your friend making me feel confused do you remember?


CHRONAL
Captain, we don't need to fight.  We're being manipulated by -


CAPTAIN FAST
Oh but imagine how much fun it will be to have a rematch are you ready?


And Captain Fast is a blur -


- zipping all around the ring.


But we see Chronal's POV -


- and Captain Fast seems to be running normally, with a huge grin on her face.


Chronal reaches out and grabs her -


- and she punches him hard in the face.


CHRONAL
OW!


CAPTAIN FAST
I got you!  One point to me!


And she becomes a blur again.


CHRONAL
I forgot how hard you punch.  Will you stop?


CAPTAIN FAST
Here I come!


Captain Fast aims directly at Chronal -


Runs towards him at top speed -


And in a split-second, Chronal steps aside -


And Captain Fast runs straight into the ropes -


And falls out of the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Oh, come ON!  Captain Fast is out of the ring.  The fight goes to Chronal.


6  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day.


FAUST is teleported into the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Faust!  Today, you will be battling ... COOL BOX!!


And COOL BOX appears.  A posh loser wearing a posh suit and a snowflake-themed mask.


FAUST
Sorry, did you just say Cool Box?


COOL BOX
A ha! Yes, that's right! You are facing... the mighty Cool Box!


FAUST
Oh, no, I'm sorry, I haven't heard of you. I'm just querying how terrible a name that is.


COOL BOX
WHAT?!?


He sends a blast of freezing ice stuff at Faust -


- who dodges it, giving himself amazing reflexes.


FAUST
I've been to open mic poetry evenings that had better word choices. Were you forced into it, or...?


COOL BOX
Cool Box chooses his own names!!


He blasts Faust again -


- but again, Faust dodges.


FAUST
Oh, don't start talking in the bloody third person now. That's such an awful conceit. Like a teenage boy who's read too much of De Bellum Gallico and thinks a man so insecure about his receding hairline that he has to conquer half the continent is a template to be copied.


COOL BOX
There is nothing wrong with my hair!!!


He blasts the ground in the arena and it freezes completely over. But Faust improves his balance and skates directly at Cool Box -


- who panics, stepping back onto the ice -


- and Faust barrels into him, punching him hard.


Cool Box falls on the ice, and is knocked out.


FAUST
Probably look into some basic logic, like having skates on your suit if you're going to make an ice rink. Idiot.


Faust powers down.


FAUST
Oh gosh, sorry, that was really mean. I wouldn't normally be that harsh.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Fine. Faust wins.


7  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day


FINESSE is teleported into the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Finesse!  Today, you will be battling ... DAGGER MAN!!


And DAGGER MAN appears.  An optimistic villain who owns a knife.


FINESSE
No.  Way.


DAGGER MAN
And don't think you can use my powers against me, Finesse.  The only powers I have are the finely-honed skills of an ordinary man.  And there's nothing ordinary about those skills.


Finesse takes his knife away.


DAGGER MAN
Wait, no!  I wasn't ready.  Give that back.


FINESSE
Well, no, obviously.


DAGGER MAN
But ... I'm Dagger Man.  Can't fight without a dagger.


FINESSE
Dagger Man, you can barely fight WITH a dagger.


DAGGER MAN
Come on!  This is my big comeback.  Do you know how few villains were willing to fight you?


Finesse throws the dagger out of the ring.


DAGGER MAN
Noooooo!


Finesse punches him in the head.


He goes down.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Finesse wins.


8  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day.


RECOOPERATE is teleported into the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Recooperate!  Today, you will be battling ... ALIEN DAVE!!


And ALIEN DAVE appears.


RECOOPERATE
Whoa! Are you an actual alien?


ALIEN DAVE
I! I am... okay, well, no, if you must know. It's just my power to look like one.


RECOOPERATE
Whoa! Are you really called Dave?


ALIEN DAVE
... it is literally the first time anyone has asked me that.


RECOOPERATE
Really? I'm just really interested.


ALIEN DAVE
Are you?!


RECOOPERATE
Yeah, mate! I've never met anyone who looks like an alien before. You must have been so cool in school.


ALIEN DAVE
Well, no, actually, the other boys made fun of -


WHINY MAN (v/o)
What are you doing?! Stop chatting and bonding, you pair of pansies! Fight like men!


RECOOPERATE
Oh my god, that's like... homophobic and sexist.


ALIEN DAVE
I suppose it is -


RECOOPERATE
You know what? That guy's a dick. Shall we just, like, not fight? Fuck him, we could just go to the pub.


ALIEN DAVE
Really? No one's ever wanted to go to the pub with me before. I make people unnerved. It's my big eyes and green skin and weird proportions.


RECOOPERATE
Nah, that's cool. I'll buy you a pint -


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Aargh! Fine! Recooperate wins by talking Alien Dave into the pub!


9  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day.


SHIFT is teleported into the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Shift!  Today, you will be battling ...


SHIFT
Ooh, can I guess?


WHINY MAN (v/o)
... HIPPO RACHEL!!


SHIFT
Why do you hate fun?  Hang on - Hippo Rachel?  But she's a friend.


And HIPPO RACHEL appears.  Half hippo, half Rachel.


HIPPO RACHEL
Shift!  I'm so sorry.  I don't want to do this, but he's kidnapped my brother.


SHIFT
Hippo Tim?!  Oh no!


Shift transforms into a bat -


Flies up, up, up -


Becomes a fly -


And vanishes from sight.


Hippo Rachel looks around her.


And suddenly, a HORSE IN A SANTA HAT appears, holding a young hippo boy.


SHIFT
[Horse sounds.]


HIPPO RACHEL
Thank you Santa Horse!  You've saved Hippo Tim!


SHIFT
[Horse sounds.]


HIPPO RACHEL
I forfeit the fight.


Shift becomes human.


SHIFT
I win!


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Shift is declared the winner by default.


10  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day.


WEATHERVANE is teleported into the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Weathervane!  Today, you will be battling ... GREGORY THOUGHT!!


And GREGORY THOUGHT appears.


GREGORY THOUGHT
Good day, young lady person. Prepare to serve the whims of... Gregory Thought!!!


WEATHERVANE
So, that introduction mechanism - that ellipsis-name-three exclamation marks thing - is it a thing all supervillains do, or just the ones who are sad mid-life crises wanting to imagine that anyone ever saw them as a threat?


GREGORY THOUGHT
What?! How jolly dare you!! I am a massive threat.


WEATHERVANE
Oh god, please tell me that is not your nickname for your dick.


GREGORY THOUGHT
Why, I have never bee so insulted! Look into my eyes!


WEATHERVANE
Oh, well, you know. No.


GREGORY THOUGHT
Look into - !


WEATHERVANE
No.


GREGORY THOUGHT
Stop being unfair!


He runs towards her, to make her look into his eyes -


- Weathervane moves out of the way -


- but Gregory Thought can read minds, so he foresees her moving -


- but Gregory Thought is extremely unfit, so he misses her anyway.


Weathervane sticks out a leg, and trips him up.


WEATHERVANE
Look, I could literally just do this all day. Call it off. It's going to be embarrassing.


GREGORY THOUGHT
Fine. I forfeit. But this is not the last you have heard from... Gregory Thou-!


WEATHERVANE
Seriously, let it go you amazingly sad man.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Weathervane wins.


11  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day.


WRAITH is teleported into the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Wraith!  Today, you will be battling ... YUREI!!


And YUREI appears.


WRAITH
Wait, what?!


YUREI
Good day, Gaijin.


WRAITH
What the hell are you doing here! You're not supposed to fight me!


YUREI
His teleportation device is quite rare, and very impressive. I wish to own it.


WRAITH
Oh lordy.


He vanishes.


She smiles -


- draws her sword -


- and stabs it into the centre of the arena.


Wraith reappears.


WRAITH
What are you doing?


The sword starts to glow.


Tracks of light appear from it, moving outwards like a spider's web.


Yurei kneels beside it, pressing something on the hilt.


YUREI
I will not harm you, Gaijin. There is no need.


WRAITH
Oh, lame, are you going to knock me out or something?


YUREI
Gaijin, please.


WRAITH
Soz.


YUREI
You would already be unconscious.


WRAITH
Eh.


And the sword produces a cone of light!


Yurei steps inside.


WRAITH
What are you doing?!?


YUREI
Acquiring my new teleportation device.


And she sinks into the floor of the arena, vanishing.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Wraith wins because Yurei ran away.


WRAITH
Oh, son, you don't even know.


12  INT.  GROTTO.  Day.


All heroes are teleported back into the grotto.


CHRONAL
Is that it, then?


FINESSE
Yeah, we won your stupid fights, whoever you are.


FAUST
It's Manta Clause.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
You must win one final battle.


And suddenly the sky is full of WINGED ZOMBIES.


RECOOPERATE
What the HELL are those?


SHIFT
The Flying Corpses.  They're zombies that fly.


AMITY
I can't control them.


WEATHERVANE
I don't want to panic anyone, but ... right now, the Flying Corpses are going to end the world.


WRAITH
It's always fucking zombies, isn't it?  Or World War Two.


Shift becomes a bear -


Wraith vanishes -


Faust becomes stronger and faster -


Chronal's head is moving superquickly from corpse to corpse -


And the Flying Corpses descend!


One of them bites Weathervane -


But Recooperate heals her -


And Weathevane smacks the corpse in the face.


The bear is punching the corpses as they come -


While raven is pecking at their eyes.


Faust is running fast, punching them brutally.


Finesse aims her hands at Chronal -


And uses his speed to freeze some corpses about to hit Amity -


And Amity aims at Faust -


Calming him down -


So he can abandon the defeated corpses at his feet -


And help Finesse with her corpses, which threaten to overwhelm her -


But they suddenly collapse, punched by an invisible Wraith.


Chronal faces the remaining corpses -


And uses his powers to speed up their decay -


Until all zombies are defeated and harmless.


FINESSE
How are we for the end of the world?


WEATHERVANE
Back to climate change!


AMITY
Hurrah!  ... I mean, we should really do something about that.


Shift becomes human, Faust calms down, and Wraith reappears.


WHINY MAN v/o
You've ruined everything!


SHIFT
I think you'll find we saved Christmas.


AMITY
Again.


RECOOPERATE
I think it's the first time I've saved Christmas.


FAUST
Me too!


WEATHERVANE
And me.  Go newbies!


WHINY MAN (v/o)
But now, behold the true identity of the man who brought you here.  For I am ...


Into the room appears a man dressed in a cheap Father Christmas outfit.


WHINY MAN
MANta Clause!


FAUST
I have literally been saying that all along.


FINESSE
I don't like to nitpick, but it's still November.


WRAITH
Manta Clause starts earlier every year.


MANTA CLAUSE
It's MANta Clause, not Manta Clause.


CHRONAL
You're literally the only one who spells it like that.


FINESSE
Alright, we're done here.  Someone arrest him.


MANTA CLAUSE
Never!  I will fight you.


Manta prepares to fight.


But Amity holds up her hands.


AMITY
I'm going to max out all your most Christmassy emotions.


Suddenly, Manta Clause's heart is filled with Christmas joy.


He is in prison now.


RECOOPERATE
Merry Christmas everyone!


AMITY
No, don't do that.


RECOOPERATE
I just think it's nice to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.


FAUST
Are you doing it ironically?


RECOOPERATE
No!


WEATHERVANE
Then yeah, let's not do that.


THE END