Saturday 28 November 2015

Scribblers: The Awful Man Who Tried To Ruin Christmas

The Awful Man Who Tried To Ruin Christmas


1  INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.  Day.


FINESSE and CHRONAL are playing Scribbler Kart on the Wii U.  AMITY is trying her best to knit a scarf, but WRAITH keeps making the needles invisible.  A RAVEN is sitting on Amity’s shoulder.  WEATHERVANE is tweeting "Merry Christmas #banmushrooms #savetheworld" to her 2 billion followers.  FAUST is reading an exciting romantic novel set during a socialist uprising.  It is called "First Against The Wall", a rude double-meaning.  SHIFT has transformed into a cat (she was originally a dog, but Weathervane felt uneasy).  RECOOPERATE is watching Amity knit.


RECOOPERATE
Woah, it's so cool you can just make scarves.


AMITY
It's easy - I could teach you!


RECOOPERATE
Nah, I reckon it's like ... your superpower.


AMITY
Um.  I do actually have superpowers.


RECOOPERATE
Oh, yeah.  It's awesome we all have superpowers, eh?


WRAITH
Shift - can you help me put up some tinsel?


Shift becomes a human.  Then, because it's Christmas, she grows reindeer antlers.


SHIFT
Okay - where do you want to ...


She sees Wraith's tinsel, which is a really ugly blue colour.


SHIFT
Oh, that tinsel is really ugly, Wraith.  Why not decorate the bin with it?  On the inside.


WRAITH
It's actually a trophy.  I stole it from Manta Clause.


FAUST
Who's Manta Clause?


CHRONAL
He's this Men's Rights Activist guy who keeps fighting us as different villains.


FINESSE
Yeah, he's had loads of supervillain names.  He's been Y Chromosome, the Bloker, Sir Manattee ...


WEATHERVANE
Oh my God, was he the Brotalitarian?


FINESSE
Yes!  How do you know him?


WEATHERVANE
He has a Tumblr.


FAUST
I think you get too much enjoyment from idiots on the internet.


WEATHERVANE
Look.  When your superpower is that you can always see the end of the world coming, it's nice to remind yourself that there's a silver lining.


Suddenly, the heroes VANISH -


2  INT. A TUNNEL.  Day.


- and appear in a tunnel! So random! Plot twist! One end is in darkness. The other is light.


FINESSE
Oh for fucking out loud.


SHIFT
What an inconvenient moment in all our lives.


RECOOPERATE
Woah, have we been teleported?!


CHRONAL
Ooh, I hate that. It makes time go all squidgey.


FINESSE
We'll use proper terminology if you don't mind, young man.


CHRONAL
Sorry. Timey-wimey.


FINESSE
Better.


WRAITH
But why are we in a tunnel? Shouldn't we be in some villain's lair? Ain't no style in a random tunnel, son.


FAUST
Yes, I would have expected more in the way of spike pits and fire traps at least.


FINESSE
Alright, time loss?


CHRONAL
No.


FINESSE
Nearby persons of ill intent?


AMITY
No.


FINESSE
Light-based illusions?


WRAITH
No.


FINESSE
Helpful nearby animal contacts to tell us where we are?


SHIFT
No.


FINESSE
Any good news?


WEATHERVANE
Ooh, oh my god, yes! Mushrooms will no longer end the world.


SHIFT
Hooray! I can eat risotto again.


FAUST
What'll end it now?


WEATHERVANE
Eh, we're back to climate change again for a bit.


RECOOPERATE
Someone should sort that, really. It's getting a bit bad, now.


FINESSE
We'll put it on the list, right after leaving this tunnel and punching whoever put us here.


FAUST
It'll be Manta Clause, though, won't it?  Wraith stole his tinsel.


SHIFT
Yes.  And he usually attacks at Christmas.  Because he's a big awkward.


WEATHERVANE
Be fair.  If his name's Manta Clause, it's not like he can attack at any other time.


AMITY
Hang on.  Which way are we going? Can we choose using an elaborate game?!


FINESSE
Actually, Wraith is going to check the dark end by throwing light at it.


WRAITH
Oh really. Really. Wraith is, is he?


Finesse uses his powers to throw light at the dark end. It is a bricked up dead end.


WRAITH
Well played, snowflake.


They walk towards the light end.


3  INT.  THE GROTTO.  Day.


The heroes enter a huge cave covered in cheap Christmas decorations.


WRAITH
Oh my God, this is the worst set decoration I've ever seen.


SHIFT
I don't think it's a set.  I think someone lives here.


AMITY
That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.


RECOOPERATE
I'd love to put a gig on here.  All the acts would have to do a Christmas-themed set.


Suddenly, a WHINY MAN's voice is heard.


WHINY MAN
Scribblers!  And guests.  You may not know who I am, but -


FAUST
You're Manta Clause.


WHINY MAN
- BUT I KNOW YOU.


FAUST
Yeah.  And we know you.


WHINY MAN
Too long, you so-called heroes have pushed your commie agenda on the
world, with your woman leader and anti-capitalist plots.


CHRONAL
Ooh, you read my book?


AMITY
Guys, I can sense his emotions.  And -


FINESSE
They're exactly what we expect?


AMITY
Yeah.  Much less complicated than he thinks.


WHINY MAN
This isn't about revenge.  This is about -


WEATHERVANE
Ethics in journalism?


WHINY MAN
This is about PROVING that I am superior to you.  You will take it in turns to face an enemy from your past.


Suddenly, Amity teleports away, leaving the raven behind  -


4.  INT.  BATTLIN RING.  Day.


- and appears in a wrestling ring decorated with fairy lights and tinsel.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Today, Amity, you will be facing … Blood Diamond!


And BLOOD DIAMOND (45, professional, cruel) appears.  She’s wearing a costume made of several colourful wraps, her face covered.


AMITY
Blood Diamond?!  You’ve never cared about revenge.  What are you doing here?


BLOOD DIAMOND
I was kidnapped from my office.  I have no idea what I’m doing here.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Blood Diamond!  I have positioned three snipers in your city.  If you defeat Amity -


BLOOD DIAMOND
I’m not playing your game.  Murder my workers, and I will murder you in return.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
No, no - you don’t understand.  The snipers are aiming at the CEOs of the three rival companies which rank above yours.  Beat Amity, and I order them to shoot.


BLOOD DIAMOND
Oh.  Well.  You should have said.


And Blood Diamond immediately launches herself at Amity -


- who dodges easily.


Blood Diamond swings around -


- aiming a punch at Amity’s head -


- but Amity ducks -


- and holds up her hand.


Blood Diamond’s body language starts to loosen, as Amity calms her down.


BLOOD DIAMOND
Leave my mind alone, child.


AMITY
Come on mate.  Chill out.


And Blood Diamond starts to transform -


Her entire body becoming diamond-hard (and diamond-shiny).


Amity tries controlling her -


But nothing works.


Out of Blood Diamond’s hand grows a diamond sword -


Which she swings wildly, brutally, in Amity’s direction -


Who avoids blow after blow.


AMITY
Ooh, hang on.


Swing -


Dodge -


Swing -


Dodge.


AMITY
What gives you your diamond form?  Your power’s in your brain chemistry, isn’t it?


BLOOD DIAMOND
Stand still, scum.


AMITY
So that means I can undo it -


Swing -


Dodge.


AMITY
Or better yet -


Swing -


Dodge.


AMITY
Overload it.


Amity holds up a hand -


And Blood Diamond starts to grow, as random diamond formations appear and grow all over her body.


Blood Diamond tries to move -


But she’s too heavy.


She falls to the ground.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Oh.  Okay.  First round goes to Amity.


5  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day.


The ring has been reset.  CHRONAL appears.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Chronal.  You’re fast.  But let’s see if you can outspeed … CAPTAIN FAST!!


CAPTAIN FAST (32, excitable, mischievous) appears.  She’s in an entirely black costume with go-faster stripes down the sides.


CHRONAL
Oh, crikey.


CAPTAIN FAST
Hi Chronal how are you!  It’s so brilliant we get to have a rematch isn’t it?  I nearly got you last time if it wasn’t for your friend making me feel confused do you remember?


CHRONAL
Captain, we don't need to fight.  We're being manipulated by -


CAPTAIN FAST
Oh but imagine how much fun it will be to have a rematch are you ready?


And Captain Fast is a blur -


- zipping all around the ring.


But we see Chronal's POV -


- and Captain Fast seems to be running normally, with a huge grin on her face.


Chronal reaches out and grabs her -


- and she punches him hard in the face.


CHRONAL
OW!


CAPTAIN FAST
I got you!  One point to me!


And she becomes a blur again.


CHRONAL
I forgot how hard you punch.  Will you stop?


CAPTAIN FAST
Here I come!


Captain Fast aims directly at Chronal -


Runs towards him at top speed -


And in a split-second, Chronal steps aside -


And Captain Fast runs straight into the ropes -


And falls out of the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Oh, come ON!  Captain Fast is out of the ring.  The fight goes to Chronal.


6  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day.


FAUST is teleported into the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Faust!  Today, you will be battling ... COOL BOX!!


And COOL BOX appears.  A posh loser wearing a posh suit and a snowflake-themed mask.


FAUST
Sorry, did you just say Cool Box?


COOL BOX
A ha! Yes, that's right! You are facing... the mighty Cool Box!


FAUST
Oh, no, I'm sorry, I haven't heard of you. I'm just querying how terrible a name that is.


COOL BOX
WHAT?!?


He sends a blast of freezing ice stuff at Faust -


- who dodges it, giving himself amazing reflexes.


FAUST
I've been to open mic poetry evenings that had better word choices. Were you forced into it, or...?


COOL BOX
Cool Box chooses his own names!!


He blasts Faust again -


- but again, Faust dodges.


FAUST
Oh, don't start talking in the bloody third person now. That's such an awful conceit. Like a teenage boy who's read too much of De Bellum Gallico and thinks a man so insecure about his receding hairline that he has to conquer half the continent is a template to be copied.


COOL BOX
There is nothing wrong with my hair!!!


He blasts the ground in the arena and it freezes completely over. But Faust improves his balance and skates directly at Cool Box -


- who panics, stepping back onto the ice -


- and Faust barrels into him, punching him hard.


Cool Box falls on the ice, and is knocked out.


FAUST
Probably look into some basic logic, like having skates on your suit if you're going to make an ice rink. Idiot.


Faust powers down.


FAUST
Oh gosh, sorry, that was really mean. I wouldn't normally be that harsh.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Fine. Faust wins.


7  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day


FINESSE is teleported into the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Finesse!  Today, you will be battling ... DAGGER MAN!!


And DAGGER MAN appears.  An optimistic villain who owns a knife.


FINESSE
No.  Way.


DAGGER MAN
And don't think you can use my powers against me, Finesse.  The only powers I have are the finely-honed skills of an ordinary man.  And there's nothing ordinary about those skills.


Finesse takes his knife away.


DAGGER MAN
Wait, no!  I wasn't ready.  Give that back.


FINESSE
Well, no, obviously.


DAGGER MAN
But ... I'm Dagger Man.  Can't fight without a dagger.


FINESSE
Dagger Man, you can barely fight WITH a dagger.


DAGGER MAN
Come on!  This is my big comeback.  Do you know how few villains were willing to fight you?


Finesse throws the dagger out of the ring.


DAGGER MAN
Noooooo!


Finesse punches him in the head.


He goes down.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Finesse wins.


8  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day.


RECOOPERATE is teleported into the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Recooperate!  Today, you will be battling ... ALIEN DAVE!!


And ALIEN DAVE appears.


RECOOPERATE
Whoa! Are you an actual alien?


ALIEN DAVE
I! I am... okay, well, no, if you must know. It's just my power to look like one.


RECOOPERATE
Whoa! Are you really called Dave?


ALIEN DAVE
... it is literally the first time anyone has asked me that.


RECOOPERATE
Really? I'm just really interested.


ALIEN DAVE
Are you?!


RECOOPERATE
Yeah, mate! I've never met anyone who looks like an alien before. You must have been so cool in school.


ALIEN DAVE
Well, no, actually, the other boys made fun of -


WHINY MAN (v/o)
What are you doing?! Stop chatting and bonding, you pair of pansies! Fight like men!


RECOOPERATE
Oh my god, that's like... homophobic and sexist.


ALIEN DAVE
I suppose it is -


RECOOPERATE
You know what? That guy's a dick. Shall we just, like, not fight? Fuck him, we could just go to the pub.


ALIEN DAVE
Really? No one's ever wanted to go to the pub with me before. I make people unnerved. It's my big eyes and green skin and weird proportions.


RECOOPERATE
Nah, that's cool. I'll buy you a pint -


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Aargh! Fine! Recooperate wins by talking Alien Dave into the pub!


9  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day.


SHIFT is teleported into the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Shift!  Today, you will be battling ...


SHIFT
Ooh, can I guess?


WHINY MAN (v/o)
... HIPPO RACHEL!!


SHIFT
Why do you hate fun?  Hang on - Hippo Rachel?  But she's a friend.


And HIPPO RACHEL appears.  Half hippo, half Rachel.


HIPPO RACHEL
Shift!  I'm so sorry.  I don't want to do this, but he's kidnapped my brother.


SHIFT
Hippo Tim?!  Oh no!


Shift transforms into a bat -


Flies up, up, up -


Becomes a fly -


And vanishes from sight.


Hippo Rachel looks around her.


And suddenly, a HORSE IN A SANTA HAT appears, holding a young hippo boy.


SHIFT
[Horse sounds.]


HIPPO RACHEL
Thank you Santa Horse!  You've saved Hippo Tim!


SHIFT
[Horse sounds.]


HIPPO RACHEL
I forfeit the fight.


Shift becomes human.


SHIFT
I win!


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Shift is declared the winner by default.


10  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day.


WEATHERVANE is teleported into the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Weathervane!  Today, you will be battling ... GREGORY THOUGHT!!


And GREGORY THOUGHT appears.


GREGORY THOUGHT
Good day, young lady person. Prepare to serve the whims of... Gregory Thought!!!


WEATHERVANE
So, that introduction mechanism - that ellipsis-name-three exclamation marks thing - is it a thing all supervillains do, or just the ones who are sad mid-life crises wanting to imagine that anyone ever saw them as a threat?


GREGORY THOUGHT
What?! How jolly dare you!! I am a massive threat.


WEATHERVANE
Oh god, please tell me that is not your nickname for your dick.


GREGORY THOUGHT
Why, I have never bee so insulted! Look into my eyes!


WEATHERVANE
Oh, well, you know. No.


GREGORY THOUGHT
Look into - !


WEATHERVANE
No.


GREGORY THOUGHT
Stop being unfair!


He runs towards her, to make her look into his eyes -


- Weathervane moves out of the way -


- but Gregory Thought can read minds, so he foresees her moving -


- but Gregory Thought is extremely unfit, so he misses her anyway.


Weathervane sticks out a leg, and trips him up.


WEATHERVANE
Look, I could literally just do this all day. Call it off. It's going to be embarrassing.


GREGORY THOUGHT
Fine. I forfeit. But this is not the last you have heard from... Gregory Thou-!


WEATHERVANE
Seriously, let it go you amazingly sad man.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Weathervane wins.


11  INT.  BATTLE RING.  Day.


WRAITH is teleported into the ring.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Wraith!  Today, you will be battling ... YUREI!!


And YUREI appears.


WRAITH
Wait, what?!


YUREI
Good day, Gaijin.


WRAITH
What the hell are you doing here! You're not supposed to fight me!


YUREI
His teleportation device is quite rare, and very impressive. I wish to own it.


WRAITH
Oh lordy.


He vanishes.


She smiles -


- draws her sword -


- and stabs it into the centre of the arena.


Wraith reappears.


WRAITH
What are you doing?


The sword starts to glow.


Tracks of light appear from it, moving outwards like a spider's web.


Yurei kneels beside it, pressing something on the hilt.


YUREI
I will not harm you, Gaijin. There is no need.


WRAITH
Oh, lame, are you going to knock me out or something?


YUREI
Gaijin, please.


WRAITH
Soz.


YUREI
You would already be unconscious.


WRAITH
Eh.


And the sword produces a cone of light!


Yurei steps inside.


WRAITH
What are you doing?!?


YUREI
Acquiring my new teleportation device.


And she sinks into the floor of the arena, vanishing.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
Wraith wins because Yurei ran away.


WRAITH
Oh, son, you don't even know.


12  INT.  GROTTO.  Day.


All heroes are teleported back into the grotto.


CHRONAL
Is that it, then?


FINESSE
Yeah, we won your stupid fights, whoever you are.


FAUST
It's Manta Clause.


WHINY MAN (v/o)
You must win one final battle.


And suddenly the sky is full of WINGED ZOMBIES.


RECOOPERATE
What the HELL are those?


SHIFT
The Flying Corpses.  They're zombies that fly.


AMITY
I can't control them.


WEATHERVANE
I don't want to panic anyone, but ... right now, the Flying Corpses are going to end the world.


WRAITH
It's always fucking zombies, isn't it?  Or World War Two.


Shift becomes a bear -


Wraith vanishes -


Faust becomes stronger and faster -


Chronal's head is moving superquickly from corpse to corpse -


And the Flying Corpses descend!


One of them bites Weathervane -


But Recooperate heals her -


And Weathevane smacks the corpse in the face.


The bear is punching the corpses as they come -


While raven is pecking at their eyes.


Faust is running fast, punching them brutally.


Finesse aims her hands at Chronal -


And uses his speed to freeze some corpses about to hit Amity -


And Amity aims at Faust -


Calming him down -


So he can abandon the defeated corpses at his feet -


And help Finesse with her corpses, which threaten to overwhelm her -


But they suddenly collapse, punched by an invisible Wraith.


Chronal faces the remaining corpses -


And uses his powers to speed up their decay -


Until all zombies are defeated and harmless.


FINESSE
How are we for the end of the world?


WEATHERVANE
Back to climate change!


AMITY
Hurrah!  ... I mean, we should really do something about that.


Shift becomes human, Faust calms down, and Wraith reappears.


WHINY MAN v/o
You've ruined everything!


SHIFT
I think you'll find we saved Christmas.


AMITY
Again.


RECOOPERATE
I think it's the first time I've saved Christmas.


FAUST
Me too!


WEATHERVANE
And me.  Go newbies!


WHINY MAN (v/o)
But now, behold the true identity of the man who brought you here.  For I am ...


Into the room appears a man dressed in a cheap Father Christmas outfit.


WHINY MAN
MANta Clause!


FAUST
I have literally been saying that all along.


FINESSE
I don't like to nitpick, but it's still November.


WRAITH
Manta Clause starts earlier every year.


MANTA CLAUSE
It's MANta Clause, not Manta Clause.


CHRONAL
You're literally the only one who spells it like that.


FINESSE
Alright, we're done here.  Someone arrest him.


MANTA CLAUSE
Never!  I will fight you.


Manta prepares to fight.


But Amity holds up her hands.


AMITY
I'm going to max out all your most Christmassy emotions.


Suddenly, Manta Clause's heart is filled with Christmas joy.


He is in prison now.


RECOOPERATE
Merry Christmas everyone!


AMITY
No, don't do that.


RECOOPERATE
I just think it's nice to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.


FAUST
Are you doing it ironically?


RECOOPERATE
No!


WEATHERVANE
Then yeah, let's not do that.


THE END