Saturday 15 December 2012

Christmas Scribblers 2012


Steffan and Elanor Alun present ...

A Christmassssy Scribblery Production ...

Full of Fun and Joy and Holly and Mince Pies for those who like them ...

The happiest and most feel-good Christmas special of all time ...

Except Love Actually, obviously.  That film’s delightful.

Yes.  Yes it is.  I can hear you disagree with me, you know.

Anyway, this is the SECOND most joyful and lovely Christmas special of all time ...

Scribblers: Evil Men Making Everything Worse

1              TV STUDIO

A This Morning-style chat show.  FINESSE, WRAITH, SHIFT, AMITY and LYRIC sitting on a sofa that’s far too small for them all.  Everything is covered in tinsel.  Awful theme music playing.  The five Scribblers exchanging looks of disgust.

CAPTION: FIVE YEARS AGO

                                WRAITH
                What’s with this budget intro, guys?

                                AMITY
                I quite like it.

                                LYRIC
                Are you making it into a game?

                                AMITY
                Oh, do YOU want to play?  Amazing!

                                SHIFT
                Is this live?

                                FINESSE
                Yes it is.

                                SHIFT
                So if I maul his face off, they can’t edit it out?

                                LYRIC
Hang on.  Maul WHOSE face off?

                WRAITH
Haven’t you seen this show?

The HOST appears – HENRY SMOOTHMAN, 50s, fake-tanned, teeth-whitened acceptable face of racism and contempt for the poor.

                                SMOOTHMAN
Hello, and welcome to Henry Smoothman’s Christmas Brilliant Show, with me, Henry Smoothman.  I am your host, Henry Smoothman.  Today, we’ll be meeting a fresh new superhero team – the Scribblers!  Let’s begin!  Henry Smoothman.

                LYRIC
Oh, THIS guy?  Isn’t he in an advert?

                AMITY
He’s in all the adverts.

                FINESSE
Rumour has it he sleeps on all his advert paycheques like a greedy dragon.

Smoothman sits on an armchair next to the Scribblers.

                                SMOOTHMAN
Hello, Scribblers!  I wonder how you can afford to be here today when the taxpayer would expect you to be out fighting crime or whatever it is you supposedly do.

                FINESSE
Well, as you KNOW, Henry Smoothman, it was written into our contracts that we have to appear on your show because of your political links.

                SMOOTHMAN
I’ll let the audience make up their own minds.  And while they do, answer me this, Scribblers!  Who watches the watchmen?

                FINESSE
More watchmen.

                SHIFT
Look, this is ridiculous.  We’ve had to leave Professor Kayleigh in charge of saving the world today, and that’s wasting valuable time she could be spending growing a cure for your face.

                SMOOTHMAN
One scientist in charge?  Then why do you normally need a team?

                AMITY
We still need a team.  We’re understaffed now.  Anyway, it’s not just Professor Kayleigh.  The government found a sidekick for her.

CUT TO:

2              SINTARO’S LAIR

SINTARO is facing PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH.

                                SINTARO
                What is the meaning of this?  I was promised Scribblers to fight!

                                PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
                That’s me this week, bach.

                                SINTARO
This is an outrage!  I demand Chronal be brought here for me to humiliate him.

He is punched in the face by CAPTAIN CYMRU.

                                CAPTAIN CYMRU
                Super Rugby Punch!

                                PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
                How is it a super RUGBY punch?

                                CAPTAIN CYMRU
                I like rugby.

                                PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
                Okay, we’ve got three more bad guys to beat.

                                CAPTAIN CYMRU
                Then band practice?

                                PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
                Afte a panad, obviously.

CUT TO:

3              TV STUDIO

Continued from Scene 1.

                                SMOOTHMAN
                So, tell me – is there a MISTER Finesse on the horizon?

                                FINESSE
What do you mean, “on the horizon”?  Chronal’s my boyfriend, you omni-moron.

                SMOOTHMAN
Oh.  Tell me – is there a MISTER Shift on the horizon?

                SHIFT
There’s a massive tiger in your near future, if that’s what you mean.

                LYRIC
Good one.

                SMOOTHMAN
Ah, but –

                LYRIC
I could give you kidney stones with words, you know.

                FINESSE
Oooooh.

                SMOOTHMAN
Anyway, I’ve got to say, so far, all the bad guys you’ve apprehended have been British.  I don’t see you bringing in any Muslim villains.  It looks like it’s one rule for acceptable ethnicities, another rule entirely for the wrong kind of human.

                WRAITH
Eh.

                SMOOTHMAN
Well?  You’re not going to answer?

                WRAITH
Chronal says I mustn’t talk to racists.  He says it’s contagious.

CHRONAL arrives, sexier than ever.

                                CHRONAL
Hey, guys.  We’re not on the air any more.  I’ve just told the press that Henry Smoothman is in fact ...

Chronal pulls at Smoothman’s face.

It doesn’t come off.

                                SMOOTHMAN
                Argh!  My face!

                                CHRONAL
... is in fact HENRY SMOOTHMAN, tax-evading adulterous borderline war criminal with a recently-uncovered-by-sexy-leader-of-the-Scribblers-Chronal batch of secret sex crimes.

                AMITY
The allegations were true!

                CHRONAL
Yes.  And I proved them with TIME!

CUT TO:

4              SPANISH HOTEL ROOM

SHIFT and THE AUDITOR are having a lovely holiday.  The room is full of Christmas gifts and cards.

CAPTION: NOW

                                SHIFT
                We’ve got a card from Gum-Boy.

                                THE AUDITOR
                Who’s Gum-Boy?

                                SHIFT
                Tooth Fairy’s sidekick.  You saved him from Soup-er-man once, remember?

                                THE AUDITOR
                No.  I don’t remember that.  That sounds rubbish.

                                SHIFT
                Anyway, he’s asking if he can be your best man.

                                THE AUDITOR
                What?  Why the hell would I do that?

                                SHIFT
                He says he can make lightsabers.

                                THE AUDITOR
                Let’s not be too hasty here – let’s give this letter the consideration it so richly deserves ...

                                SHIFT
                He’s probably lying, though.  I hate Gum-Boy.

The door to the room bursts open!

GUTTER PRESS enters!

                                GUTTER PRESS
                Shift and Auditor in secret love shock!

                                SHIFT
                Secret?

                                THE AUDITOR
                Shock?

                                SHIFT
                Get out of our room, Gutter Press.  You’re creepy.

                                GUTTER PRESS
                Gutter Press with New Powers of Arrest!  Continued on page 5.

                                THE AUDITOR
                What are you talking about?

                                GUTTER PRESS
                Page 5.  Shift and Auditor under arrest.

                                SHIFT
Since when can you arrest people?

CUT TO:

5              CLOUD PALACE

A palace carved from clouds.  Full of bags and shoes and Apple chargers.  This is CLOUDBURST’S home, obvs.  LYRIC is here too, helping Cloudburst decorate the Christmas tree.

                                CLOUDBURST
                We need more baubles.

                                LYRIC
                I’m not making you any more baubles.

                                CLOUDBURST
                Why not?  You just need to say the word.

                                LYRIC
                Because I’ve already made four hundred, and all but eight of them are missing.

                                CLOUDBURST
                They’re around here somewhere.

                                LYRIC
                Exactly!  I don’t want them all bursting through a cloud floor and hitting me.

                                CLOUDBURST
                Wear a helmet, then!  That’s why I’m wearing this amazing Björk-themed helmet.

                                LYRIC
                That’s a joke that only works because the stage directions were vague, you know.

                                CLOUDBURST
                Yeah, STEFF.

                                STEFFAN
                Stop breaking the fourth wall.  Some plot’s about to happen.

                                CLOUDBURST
                Okay.

                                LYRIC
                Anyway, I’ll make you some more tinsel if you like.

Two members of the THOUGHT POLICE push their way through the surprisingly wet cloud walls.

                                THOUGHT POLICE #1
                Lyric and Cloudburst – you’re under arrest.

                                THOUGHT POLICE #2
                Speech Bubble.

                                THOUGHT POLICE #1
                What?

                                THOUGHT POLICE #2
That’s what you call Lyric and Cloudburst when you’re speaking to both of them.  Speech bubble.  Like, words and clouds, you see?  That’s their ship name.

                THOUGHT POLICE #1
Oh, no.  We’re not doing ship names.

                THOUGHT POLICE #2
Um.

                THOUGHT POLICE #1
If you’ve got any more, keep them to yourself.

                THOUGHT POLICE #2
Amity and Amalgam are Petting Zoo, Shift and Auditor are Career Change, Professor Kayleigh and Captain Cymru are National Flower, Finesse and Chronal are Perfect Timing and Wraith and YÅ«rei are Spectral Vision. 

                THOUGHT POLICE #1
...

                THOUGHT POLICE #2
...

                THOUGHT POLICE #1
So, anyway, you’re under arrest, Lyric and Cloudburst.

                THOUGHT POLICE #2
Speech Bubble.

CUT TO:

6              RAVEN SANCTUARY

AMITY and AMALGAM are having a Lovely Day Out.

                                AMALGAM
                Look at all the ravens!  This is amazing!

                                AMITY
                I’m glad you like it, Animalgaman.

                                AMALGAM
                I love it, AnimAmity-man.

                                AMITY
                No, only your name does that, remember?

The sky grows dark!

Dark Clouds form!

A bolt of lightning –

And DARK CLOUDBURST appears.  He is an evil Cloudburst from another dimension.  He dresses similarly, but lots more emo, innit.

                                DARK CLOUDBURST
                You are under arrest!

                                AMALGAM
                Oh, okay!

                                AMITY
                No, hang on – why are we under arrest?

                                DARK CLOUDBURST
                Oh, um.  I don’t know.  My boss just said I had to arrest you.

                                AMITY
                And you just accepted the order without question?  That’s a bit silly.

                                AMALGAM
                Hey!  That hurt my feelings.

                                AMITY
                Dogs are allowed to be silly.

                                DARK CLOUDBURST
                I didn’t just accept without question.  I asked lots of questions.  But my boss didn’t answer.

                                AMALGAM
                Then  why are you here?

                                DARK CLOUDBURST
                He said I could keep any money I found on my way.  And I found a thousand pounds!

Dark Cloudburst reveals £1,000 in Monopoly money.

                                DARK CLOUDBURST
                This is what you use in your universe, right?

                                AMALGAM
                No, not since Weird Lady stopped being Prime Minister.

CUT TO:

7              FOLIAGE STADIUM

Some sort of mad, chaotic sport is  about to happen.  I can’t even begin to describe it.  I can’t understand sports at the best of times.  Let’s just let the announcer do the hard work ...

                                ANNOUNCER
Welcome to the final in the Super Rugby Roller Derby World Cup!  Before we bring on St Kitts and Sao Tome to battle it out for the cup, first we welcome the founders of the sport – Professor Kayleigh and Captain Cymru!

PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH arrives as her roller-derby alter-ego, GOG COMPLEX.  CAPTAIN CYMRU arrives as his rugby alter-ego, BARRY.

                                PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
                Stupid question, but why is the World Cup so close to Christmas?

                                CAPTAIN CYMRU
                We chose by throwing a dart at a calendar, remember?

A roller-skating rugby REFEREE appears.

                                PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
                Oh, na!  Panic!

                                CAPTAIN CYMRU
                Hang on!  That’s not a real rugby ref!  He’s not terrifying enough at all.

The referee unmaks – and he’s GREGORY THOUGHT!

                                CAPTAIN CYMRU
                Look, if a supervillain is going to ruin our day, you could at least send one who isn’t crap.

                                GREGORY THOUGHT
                Silence, Captain.  You are both under arrest for national crimes.

                                PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
                You’re such a liar, Gregory Thought.  Surprise Rugby Tackle ‘im, Baz.

Captain Cymru tries a Surprise Rugby Tackle –

But Gregory Thought is a mind-reader, and reads his mind –

But Gregory Thought is extremely unfit, so Captain Cymru tackles him to the ground anyway.

                                GREGORY THOUGHT
                Ow!  You’ve snapped my bits!

                                PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
                Grow up.

Professor Kayleigh finds an arrest warrant in Thought’s pocket.

                                PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
                Well.  Bugger.

CUT TO:

8              DOCTOR WHO EXHIBITION

CHRONAL, FINESSE and WRAITH are wandering around, looking at costumes and props off of TV’s Doctor Who.  Chronal is filming it.

                                CHRONAL
                This is a Slitheen monster costume.  It’s so realistic!

                                FINESSE
                Why are you filming it?

                                CHRONAL
                So I can watch it back on telly and remember all this stuff!

                                FINESSE
                You can just watch your Doctor Who DVDs for that, surely?

                                CHRONAL
                Oh.  Remorse.

                                WRAITH
                Guys, one of these aliens is called Bumfriends.

                                CHRONAL
                You made that up.

                                WRAITH
                No I didn’t!  The costume is right here!  You should definitely take a look.

                                CHRONAL
                Bumfriends were only ever in the audios, Wraith.

                                WRAITH
                ...  You know too much about Doctor Who.

One of the Slitheen costumes open up!

Revealing LOUDMOUTH (50s, female, ratty, insiduous).

                                LOUDMOUTH
You’re under arrest, leader and former leader of the Scribblers!  I’ve always wanted to say that.

                                FINESSE
                Really?  That’s a very awkward phrase to have always wanted to say.

                                WRAITH
                Yeah, and I’m here too!

                                FINESSE
Good point!  You villains have to make Wraith feel wanted.  Otherwise we have to do it ourselves, and there’s not enough hours in the day.

                                LOUDMOUTH
                Shut up!  Just shut up!  You’ve been arrested.  You have to shut up now.

                                CHRONAL
                Oh, dear, that’s not how it works at all.

                                FINESSE
Yeah.  First we make fun of your rubbish face, which looks like something you’d see in a kids’ social awareness book with the caption “don’t bully anyone even if they look like this”.

                CHRONAL
Then we mock your costume, which I assume you made yourself using a school gym’s spare gym kit box.

                WRAITH
Then we point out that we’re NOT arrested, because we don’t know who you are.

                LOUDMOUTH
I’m Loudmouth!  I’ve battled you countless times!

                CHRONAL
Nah, we’d have remembered, I think.

                LOUDMOUTH
I’m the journalist who framed Wraith for murder.

                FINESSE
Wasn’t that Gutter Press?

                LOUDMOUTH
No, he was the one who told everyone about his lottery win –

                CHRONAL
Wraith never won the lottery, did he?  I’m sure I’d remember something like that.

                WRAITH
Oh, wait.  Maybe that’s why there’s so much money in my account.  I thought they’d just forgotten to put the minus sign in.

                FINESSE
Anyway, if you’re a journalist, you can’t arrest us.

                LOUDMOUTH
Can’t I?  I think you’ll find that things have changed since my boss took over.

CUT TO:

9              SECRET CHRISTMAS PRISON

A large room, decorated for Christmas, but certainly a prison.

It is being ruled by PRISON MAN – a sinister figure.  Well, okay, a figure in a mask and a baggy hoodie that says “sinister” on it.

                                PRISON MAN
                Bring me Scribblers, my underlings!

GUTTER PRESS, the THOUGHT POLICE, DARK CLOUDBURST, GREGORY THOUGHT and LOUDMOUTH bring in their prisoners – FINESSE, CHRONAL, WRAITH, SHIFT, LYRIC, AMITY, CLOUDBURST, AMALGAM, PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH and CAPTAIN CYMRU.

                                PRISON MAN
                Where’s the Auditor?

                                GUTTER PRESS
He left his passport in the hotel.  He had to go back for it.  He promised he’d come straight to the prison when he’d found it.

                PRISON MAN
This is the problem with hiring journalists as police officers.

                CHRONAL
That’s not even the START of the problem with that.

                FINESSE
Oh, yeah, I should warn you – my husband’s a bit sensitive about blurring the lines between the press and authority.

                CHRONAL
Yeah.  If I find out the government’s involved as well ...

                PRISON MAN
My dear fellow – of COURSE the government’s involved!  I work directly for ...

A secret door opens, and out walks MYSTERY SMOOTH FIGURE, a mystery person wearing Iron Man-style armour with “SMOOTH” written on it.

                                MYSTERY SMOOTH FIGURE
                I arranged this.

                                PRISON MAN
                You see?  This MYSTERY FIGURE works for the government.

                                WRAITH
                I’ve worked out who it is.

                                PRISON MAN
                You will never learn the identity of this MYSTERY FIGURE.

                                AMITY
                I worked it out before he even turned up.

                                FINESSE
                Yeah, frankly, I thought he was YOU, since you’ve written “sinister” on yourself.

                                PRISON MAN
                He or SHE!

                                LYRIC
                Yeah, but it’s a “he”, innit?  I know who it is.

                                PRISON MAN
                I bet you’re all trying to work out the mystery.

                                CAPTAIN CYMRU
                Even I know who it is, and I hardly know anything about the Scribblers.

                                DARK CLOUDBURST
                It is kind-of obvious, sir.

                                PRISON MAN
                Shut up!  Shut up!  You’re working for ME, boy.

                                CLOUDBURST
                Hey, you’re here!

                                PRISON MAN
                Which of you said that?

                                SHIFT
                Hang on – is that Dark Cloudburst?

                                WRAITH
            Oh, lame.  Last time Dark Cloudburst turned up, he broke into the Pit at four in the morning. 

                                CHRONAL
No, Wraith, that was Drunk Cloudburst.

                SHIFT
And what you did to him was quite horrible.

                PRISON MAN
All that remains is for me to read out the charge – which is that despite being a nationalised team, paid for by the taxpayer –

                AMALGAM
Wasn’t this prison paid for by the taxpayer?

                PRISON MAN
Absolutely not.  It was paid for by the private funds of Hen-  ... of Mystery Smooth Figure.  Anyway, despite being a nationalised team, blah blah blah, you have continuously promoted the sinister liberal agenda of the EU.

                AMITY
Sorry – how exactly have we done that?

CUT TO:

10           FRANCE!

WRAITH, SHIFT, PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH and CAPTAIN CYMRU on stage, accepting medals from La Batte.

                                LA BATTE (in French, translated)
                And so these fine friends of mine came to destory Venus Fly Trap.

                                WRAITH
                Best villain ever.

                                SHIFT
                You’re only saying that because she liked your shoes.

                                WRAITH
                My shoes are amazing.

                                CAPTAIN CYMRU
                I helped!

                                PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
                Hush, bach.

                                CAPTAIN CYMRU
                I punched her four times!

                                PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
I’m sure that’s what took her down.  Not me overloading her vine powers and Shift becoming a bear.

                SHIFT
Bears are great.

                LA BATTE
And so I present my lovely friends – especially Captain Cymru, who shares our possibly-xenophobic mistrust of the English – with these medals, and also vouchers for all my restaurants.

                WRAITH
Surely we have more vouchers than we’ll ever need for that place now?

                SHIFT
La Batte likes giving vouchers.  Best leave him to it.

                WRAITH
Baps di-ri.

CUT TO:

11           GERMANY!

LYRIC, CLOUDBURST, AMITY and AMALGAM accept medals from German superhero ERLÖSER (tall, beautiful, dressed in white).

                                ERLÖSER (in German, translated)
And so we thank our inefficient British friends for helping in our incredibly efficient defeat of the villainous Rührung.

                AMALGAM
I hope they don’t mention what I did.

                LYRIC
I’m sure they’d understand.  Goats get hungry all the time.  And it’s not your fault Rührung was wearing such temptingly delicious villain pants.

                AMITY
Anyway, we couldn’t have saved the day without you – that bit where Octopus and Raven had to press two buttons simultaneously ... even Shift wouldn’t have been able to do that.

                LYRIC
Well, I don’t know – ever since that business with Bestia –

                AMITY
Whoah, spoilers!

                CLOUDBURST
Do you think they’ll reward us with German food?

                AMALGAM
I hope so!

                CLOUDBURST
The funny thing about German food is that it all has German names.

                LYRIC
That’s because it’s German.

                CLOUDBURST
Exactly!

                                ERLÖSER
We also award you with a lot of German food!  It will be funny seeing you try and pronounce the names.

CUT TO:

12           HUNGARY!

FINESSE, CHRONAL, SHIFT, AMITY, WRAITH and LYRIC accept a medal from SOME STRANGE CELEBRITIES.

                                SOME STRANGE CELEBRITY (in Hungarian, translated)
                Congratulations, Scribblers!  You have won the Eurovision Song Contest!

                                FINESSE
                Look, we only came here to stop Cannibal eating the UK’s entry.

                                CHRONAL
                Unsuccessfully.

                                FINESSE
                Just seemed like the only option we had left was to mime to their song.

                                CHRONAL
                Which was horrible, by the way.

                                FINESSE
It was awful on purpose, you know.  Britain doesn’t want Eurovision.  That’s why we send you terrible songs in the first place.

                CHRONAL
They only voted for us because we’re famous superheroes.

                FINESSE
And because Chronal is extremely attractive to all nations.

                CHRONAL
Plausible.

                                SOME STRANGE CELEBRITY
Please take your prize – a SHED!

                FINESSE
A SHED?  That’s going to look ridiculous outside our building, especially –

LYRIC
Taxed.

CUT TO:

13           SECRET CHRISTMAS PRISON

Continued from scene 9.

                                AMALGAM
                That’s ridiculous!  Saving the world doesn’t mean we’re promoting the EU.

                                CHRONAL
                Although for the record, that’s what I was doing.

                                PRISON MAN
                So you admit it!  You should be impartial as a government employee.

                                CHRONAL
That’s true.  I’d hate me if I weren’t me.  I’m a massive hypocrite.  On the other hand, good luck finding a new time-traveller for your team.

                FINESSE
Okay, I’ve had enough of this.

Finesse holds up a hand –

Towards Cloudburst –

Whose power causes a lightning bolt to strike MYSTERY SMOOTH FIGURE’s suit of armour –

Shutting it down.

                                LYRIC (echo-y voice)
                Ystrydebol.

Lyric’s sword appears in his hands.

He sticks it into the neck of the suit.

Cracks open the head.

                                FINESSE
                And look at that!  The Mystery Smooth Figure is ACTUALLY ... Henry Sm-  WEIRD LADY?

                                WEIRD LADY
                My parrot is king of China.

                                AMITY
                What?  Then why did she call herself Mystery Smooth Figure?

                                LYRIC
                It’s unclear why Weird Lady does anything.

                                CHRONAL
Indeed.  And she couldn’t have co-ordinated this.  Someone’s used her former Prime Minister status to their own ends.  And I think that person is ...

Chronal unmasks Prison Man.

It’s Henry Smoothman!

                                CHRONAL
                Henry Smoothman!  Who is in fact ...

Chronal tugs at Henry Smoothman’s face.

                                HENRY SMOOTHMAN
                Ow, my face!

                                CHRONAL
... Henry Smoothman, former television present, puppet leader of the SPP, and a man absolutely nobody has ever liked in any shape or form.

                AMITY
Yay!  Henry Smoothman is disgraced, and we’ve got a new prison which the taxpayer didn’t need to pay for.  We can use it to rehabilitate more criminals!

                FINESSE
Once it satisfies EU regulations, obviously.

                HENRY SMOOTHMAN
NOOOOOOOO!

THE END