Sunday 18 December 2011

The Christmas Play

Scribblers

"The Christmas Play"

by Steffan and Elanor Alun

1. INT. THE PIT. Day 1 - 0900

LYRIC is reading aloud from Garble Guy's Big Book of Taxing Tongue-Twisters, causing many tiny random objects to appear all around him.

FINESSE is doodling various things on WRAITH's body in inisible.

A smiley face across Wraith's chest allows us to see through him to SHIFT, whose hand is quickly changing in a wing-paw-hoof sequence.

CHRONAL is rapidly maturing several bunches of green bananas.

CHRONAL

Mmm, cake soon.

FINESSE

Fixed the oven, then, have you?

CHRONAL

I've decided that's Lyric's job.

LYRIC

Lyric is very pleased to hear this information.

WRAITH

Can we just microwave it?

FINESSE

Firstly, no. Secondly - do you want to tell Wraith what happened to the microwave, Shift?

SHIFT

Hm? Not particularly.

LYRIC

She tried making porridge in it.

CHRONAL

Unsuccessfully?

LYRIC

She was a bear.

WRAITH

Lol! Fail.

SHIFT

I was trying to prove a point.

CHRONAL

What point?

SHIFT

That bears couldn't possibly make porridge.

LYRIC

Point well and truly proven.

AMITY enters, dressed as a Snowman.

AMITY

Guys! Guys! Guess what!

CHRONAL

Steps are reuniting!

AMITY

Um, probably. But no - my play's being produced by the Hyper-Players!

WRAITH

Worst name ever.

AMITY

Well, yes, but still - they're a really prestigious production company, and all the actors are superheroes!

FINESSE

Every single one of us knew that already, Amity. Why, exactly, did you feel the need to explain it in detail?

AMITY

Meta reasons.

SHIFT

My favourite!

AMITY

Anyway, it's on in Dinas Theatre on the 18th of December! Everyone keep that date free.

Shift looks horrified.

LYRIC

That's my date night!

AMITY

Great news! Everyone loves dates to Amity's New Play.

LYRIC

Will there be nudity?

AMITY

No idea, mate, it's your date. Anyway! 18th of December! Everyone be there. And - hang on, why do you feel anxious, Shift?

SHIFT

I've just remembered, um ...

FINESSE

It's to do with a prank we played on Wraith, so don't ruin it.

AMITY

Oh! Okay.

Amity leaves.

WRAITH

So what's this prank then? If you've put jam in my bed again ...

FINESSE

Quiet. We have no time for you. What's up, Shift?

SHIFT

Remember that team-up I had with Professor Kayleigh last year?

CUT TO:

2. EXT. BATTLE FIELD. Day A - 1500

The field covered in snow.

The NARRATOR is trapped in an enormous pitcher plant.

SHIFT and KAYLEIGH are standing proud (in warm variants of their costumes).

KAYLEIGH

Loser!

NARRATOR

I am not a loser! I always win!

SHIFT

When have you EVER won, Narrator?

NARRATOR

But I am the narrator! I write the final ending! And ...

KAYLEIGH

And mess it up and end up in rehab again.

NARRATOR

Ah, but my victory this time - mark this day, Flora and Fauna -

SHIFT

Don't call us that.

NARRATOR

- because ... The eighteenth day of December was forever cursed in the city of Dinas! A day when all criminals felt compelled by wrongdoing.

SHIFT

That's handy. We'll just keep that day clear.

CUT TO:

3. INT. THE PIT. Day 1 - 0905

SHIFT

We can't let Amity hold her play that day.

FINESSE, CHRONAL and LYRIC are listening attentitively. WRAITH is making a noise like he's pretending to be a fish or something. It's annoying and odd, yet bearable and ignored.

FINESSE

Okay. It might be hard to reschedule the Hyper-Players, but they're heroes too. They'll understand.

AMITY enters.

AMITY

Oh, and guys! The other thing about my play - the Critic's coming to see it! His first time in the UK in nearly five years! Just to see my play! He'll only be in the country for four hours, so it'll be absolutely impossible to reschedule! Isn't that exciting?

CHRONAL

One might say inconveniently exciting!

AMITY

Exactly!

AMITY leaves.

FINESSE

Well, then. We'll just have to ...

EVERYONE

(not really at the same time; very messy)

GET READY.

LYRIC

Let's never do that again.

WRAITH

Why was Amity dressed as a snowman?

FINESSE

Christmassy.

CUT TO:

4. INT. PIT MEETING ROOM. Day 2 - 1400

FINESSE chairs a meeting with PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH, AMALGAM, CLOUDBURST and THE AUDITOR. A GOAT, RAVEN and DOG are gathered around Luke.

FINESSE

Hello, assorted allies! Welcome to our Super Secret Meeting.

KAYLEIGH

I don't trust the Auditor.

AUDITOR

What? I'm trustworthy!

KAYLEIGH

You have a goatee. That means you're a villain from a parallel world.

FINESSE

Ah, yes. I remember Evil Professor Kayleigh.

KAYLEIGH

She used my plants for evil.

CLOUDBURST

I had an evil doppelganger. He was a right hipster.

FINESSE

Deathly Hallows tattoo?

CLOUDBURST

You know it.

AMALGAM

I met Evil Me once. He had a mosquito, bot fly and hagfish.

KAYLEIGH

That is hideous.

AMALGAM

No, they're still good. They serve an important purpose.

FINESSE

Speaking of important purposes!

AUDITOR

Nice link.

FINESSE

Cheers. So. On the eighteenth of December, Amity will put on her experimental play about a time-travelling tram, and countless villains will attack the city. I've got the Misfits, Alternate Vertigo and the Monk covering key locations, but we'll need to protect the theatre. The whole Scribbler team will be there - we'll be a big target. Can I count on your help?

AMALGAM

Definitely.

AUDITOR

Yeah, I'll help. I'll bring my best weapons.

CLOUDBURST

You had me at "time-travelling tram".

KAYLEIGH

I'll set my plants to "stun".

FINESSE

Oh, and Amalgam - this is hyper-secret. So we need you to be in full Deceptive Raven mode for this, and not Loyal Dog mode.

AMALGAM

I'm sure that won't be a problem.

FINESSE

It's just that after last time ...

CUT TO:

5. INT. THE PIT. Day B - 2100

AMITY, CHRONAL, LYRIC, SHIFT , WRAITH and AMALGAM are plotting and scheming.

AMITY

Okay, so it's hugely important that Finesse doesn't find out about this. It is a massive secret.

AMALGAM

Fine.

FINESSE enters.

FINESSE

Hey, guys! What's going on?

AMALGAM

We're planning your surprise birthday party.

CUT TO:

6. INT. PIT MEETING ROOM. Day 2 - 1405

Continued from scene 4.

AMALGAM

I'll work on that.

CUT TO:

7. EXT. DINAS THEATRE. Night 3 - 1925

A grand Victorian theatre. It's snowing. A TRAMP with masses of hair and beard, in a big black coat, is sitting outside with a DOG.

FINESSE leaves the theatre -

- and walks to the tramp.

FINESSE

Alright, Cloudburst. Are you warm enough?

The tramp moves his removable beard - it is CLOUDBURST. That was obvious from Finesse's line, wasn't it? Superfluous stage direction.

CLOUDBURST

Yeah, I'm good. If I see any villains, I'll lightning them.

FINESSE

Good job on the snow, too.

CLOUDBURST

I've got my iPhone showing an aerial view, so I'll send Shift if I see any footprints.

The dog wags its tail.

FINESSE

Great. Don't get distracted!

Cloudburst is browsing eBay.

CLOUDBURST

Oh. Oh, yeah.

CUT TO:

8. INT. THEATRE - BAR. Night 3 - 1926

LYRIC, AMALGAM and the three ANIMALS are keeping watch. The bar includes the entrance from outside, and the door to the theatre proper.

LYRIC

Okay. I've got a sword. You've got ... your zoo. There's nothing we can't handle.

AMALGAM

Except maybe an enemy that's immune to metal and animals - maybe someone intangible?

LYRIC

The hypotheticals begin. This is exactly what it's like being on patrol with Amity.

AMALGAM

I know! Brilliant!

LYRIC

So when the play begins, you'll go in, yes?

AMALGAM (mouth full)

I'll leave the animals here.

LYRIC

What- where did you get an ice cream?

Amalgam looks guilty.

The goat looks happy.

CUT TO:

9. INT. THEATRE - LIGHT AND SOUND BOX. Night 3 - 1927

WRAITH and KAYLEIGH are sitting with two TECHNICIANS.

WRAITH

We should have built an enormous pyramid and written "bank" on it. Then all the villains would go there.

KAYLEIGH

I don't think that'd work.

WRAITH

You could fill it with milk. Then they'd all smell the milk and go to try and steal the milk.

KAYLEIGH

I wonder what it's like being you?

CUT TO:

10. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1927

CHRONAL and the AUDITOR are waiting behind with six ACTORS (three women, three men).

CHRONAL

Ooh, first night nerves.

AUDITOR

Quick question - did you always want to be called Chronal?

CHRONAL

I toyed with the idea of "Time Lord" ...

AUDITOR

Oh, good. It's not just me. I wanted to be El Gringo Mysterioso.

CUT TO:

11. INT. THEATRE - STAGE. Night 3 - 1928

AMITY is talking to THE CRITIC.

CRITIC

This had better be good, Amity. I won't be lenient.

AMITY

I'm sure you won't have seen anything like it.

CRITIC

I've seen four plays about a time-travelling tram this year. I hated them all.

AMITY

Oh. Um. Well, you know what they say about time-travelling tram plays ...

CRITIC

I pre-judge them.

Amity looks concerned.

Takes her seat next to AMALGAM.

AMALGAM

You're back!

FINESSE arrives and sits next to them.

AMALGAM

You're here!

FINESSE

Yes, yes. You've got your pack.

The curtains start to open.

CUT TO:

12. INT. THEATRE - BAR. Night 3 - 1930

LYRIC is keeping an eye on the entrance.

Behind him, a SILVER-SKINNED NINJA teleports inside -

- lifts an axe -

Lyric dives out of the way -

Extends hi s sword -

The fight begins!

CUT TO:

13. EXT. DINAS THEATRE. Night 3 - 1930

CLOUDBURST and DOG-SHIFT patrolling.

Cloudburst sees something on his iPhone.

CLOUDBURST

Oh, damn. I'll text Finesse -

The phone is knocked from his hand -

By THE WEATHERMAN! 60s, white hair and moustache, supervillain costume made of tweed.

WEATHERMAN

We meet again, Cloudburst!

CLOUDBURST

No offence, but that costume's a bit crap.

The Weatherman lifts his hand -

Cloudburst jumps to his feet -

And it starts drizzling rain.

CLOUDBURST (sarcastically)

Oh no. Rain. My only weakness.

WEATHERMAN (muttering)

It was meant to be lightning.

CLOUDBURST

Like this?

Cloudburst summons lightning -

Which just misses the Weatherman -

The Weatherman punches Cloudburst to the ground -

Dog-Shift runs into the theatre.

CUT TO:

14. INT. THEATRE - LIGHT AND SOUND BOX. Night 3 - 1931

WRAITH, KAYLEIGH and the TWO TECHNICIANS.

Part of the ceiling falls in -

Through which jumps GRANITE (30s, female, massive and made of rock).

KAYLEIGH

Yay, rock villain.

WRAITH

Maybe she's STONED. Ha ha ha.

KAYLEIGH

Ha!

GRANITE

Silence, child!

She swings her fist towards Wraith -

Who becomes invisible.

Kayleigh throws a handful of seeds at Granite -

And they start to sprout quickly, tangling her.

A brownish mist appears in the room -

Allowing us to see Wraith's invisible outline.

He appears again, coughing.

The mist gathers together -

And becomes LONDON FOG (20s, female, cockney).

LONDON FOG

My toxic mist will choke you!

WRAITH (coughing)

Apples and pears, apples and pears.

CUT TO:

15. INT. THEATRE - STAGE. Night 3 - 1932

AMITY, AMALGAM, FINESSE and THE CRITIC in the audience.

One MALE ACTOR and one FEMALE ACTOR on stage.

MALE ACTOR

I realise how much this hurts.

FEMALE ACTOR

Don't, Arthur - you can't promise me these things. What if the tram can't time-travel forever? We don't even know what fuel it uses.

THE CRITIC

I'm enjoying this so far, but I'm sure I can dwell on the flaws until I hate it.

Finesse spies trouble in the light and sound box.

She gets up.

AMITY

What's wrong?

FINESSE

Um. I have to go for a bit. This brings back terrible memories. Of, um, Chronal being trapped in that tram that one time.

Finesse leaves.

AMALGAM

Chronal got stuck in a tram?

AMITY

Yes. It was pretty harrowing, actually. I feel bad now.

CUT TO:

16. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1933

CHRONAL and THE AUDITOR are alert.

THE OCTOGENARIANS burst through the doors - two men and two women, in their 80s, all with super-strength and super-speed.

OCTO#1

Disaffected youths!

OCTO#2

Of today!

OCTO#3

In our day we used to skin youths who didn't respect their betters.

CHRONAL

But we haven't disrespected you yet -

OCTO#4

Silence! Answering back! I hate these disaffected youths!

OCTO#2

Of today!

AUDITOR

Sorry, what definition exactly of 'disaffected' are we using that applies to us, but not the attacking supervillains?

OCTO#1

Silence, disaffected youths! Octogenarians! Attack!!

They fight! Chronal matches super-speed against superspeed, while the Auditor fades out and fires staples and elastic bands invisibly.

CUT TO:

17. INT. THEATRE - LIGHT AND SOUND BOX. Night 3 - 1934

GRANITE is down, with small meta birds circling over her head. LONDON FOG is slowly poisoning KAYLEIGH and WRAITH, who are trying to shelter behind a hastily-grown patch of algae. FINESSE bursts in.

FINESSE

Eco-terrorism! The most hateful kind!

She transforms London Fog back into a human, and Wraith punches her unconscious.

WRAITH

Eco-terrorism. More like... a loser. Hur hur.

FINESSE

I quite agree.

KAYLEIGH

Wow. You are annoyed. Normally you'd have been sarc -

But she is cut off as a METAL ARM seizes her about the waist and throws her out through the hole GRANITE made in the ceiling! Oh noes!

WRAITH

Whoa! What the hell?!

They spin around.

DAGGER MAN has arrived! Now with extra arms!

FINESSE

Oh, what.

DAGGER MAN

Scribblers! Prepare to meet your doo-!

WRAITH

You kept the garlic crusher??! Dude!!

DAGGER MAN

Shut up!

CUT TO:

18. EXT. DINAS THEATRE. Night 3 - 1935

CLOUDBURST and WEATHERMAN are still fighting, both physically and throwing weather effects at each other - Cloudburst's are planned; Weatherman's are random.

CLOUDBURST

Are you even trying to get this right, you massive hipster?!

WEATHERMAN

Hey! I'm really accurate!

CLOUDBURST

At rain, and half the time! And - what...?

They both look up as a shadow falls over them.

KAYLEIGH (distantly)

Shit! Shit shit shit Cloudburst are you there?! Catch me!

WEATHERMAN

Oh I say! That young lady!

CLOUDBURST

Quick!

A gust of wind slows her decent to the floor, while a sudden burst of snow settles on her.

WEATHERMAN (mutters)

Sorry, that was supposed to be wind...

KAYLEIGH

Well, cheers. Are you a supervillain?

CLOUDBURST

Yes, he is.

KAYLEIGH

Oh, well then.

She throws a handful of seeds, and Cloudburst provides them with sun and rain. They grow super-fast, and surround Weatherman. Cloudburst produces a thick fog, which blinds him, and Kayleigh knocks him out with a trowl.

KAYLEIGH

Go team! Yeah, I hate fog now.

CUT TO:

19. INT. THEATRE - BAR. Night 3 - 1940

LYRIC and SHIFT are fighting the RAINBOW SOLDIERS - seven soldiers in glorious technicolour. Red, yellow, blue and violet are female, orange, green and indigo are male. This line brought to you by the Official Scribblers' Handbook.

LYRIC

I might save the purple one until last.

SHIFT

Because you like the colour?

LYRIC

Because she reminds me of the Vetacore.

ORANGE SOLDIER

We will win this war!

SHIFT

I hate the Rainbow Warriors.

YELLOW SOLDIER

We are the Rainbow Soldiers!

BLUE SOLDIER

The Rainbow Warriors are very different.

In the background, other soldiers are being attacked by GOAT, DOG and RAVEN.

LYRIC

There are too many of them. I'll contact Chronal.

CUT TO:

20. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1942

One OCTOGENARIAN is left. Fighting CHRONAL hand-to-hand while THE AUDITOR reloads his staple gun.

CHRONAL

Got a message from Lyric.

AUDITOR

Sexy message?

CHRONAL

Nah. Well, ish.

The Auditor shoots a rubber band at the Octogenarian, who says "ow!".

OCTOGENARIAN

Ow!

Told you.

CHRONAL

Lyric needs my help - are you good?

AUDITOR

Absolutely.

CUT TO:

21. INT. THEATRE - LIGHT AND SOUND BOX. Night 3 - 1943

FINESSE and WRAITH are fighting DAGGER MAN.

DAGGER MAN

You underestimate me!

FINESSE

I really don't think we do.

DAGGER MAN

Remember - I am the one who stabbed your husband's hand.

WRAITH

Did he? I don't remember that.

FINESSE

You're also the one whose own suit tried to kill him.

DAGGER MAN

It's been upgraded now!

One of the arm squirts oil on Finesse's costume.

FINESSE

That upgrade is messy and useless.

DAGGER MAN (sulkily)

You're more likely to slip now.

FINESSE

Can you finish off here, Wraith?

WRAITH

Oh, I thought we were finished.

DAGGER MAN

That hurts.

WRAITH

Have you got a dagger arm now?

DAGGER MAN

... no.

WRAITH

You really need a new name. And life.

FINESSE

Good one. See you!

Finesse leaves. Dagger Man looks sad.

CUT TO:

22. INT. THEATRE - STAGE. Night 3 - 1945

One ACTOR on stage, acting being on the phone.

ACTOR

No, there's only one tram.

(beat)

If there's two trams, it's the same tram twice.

(beat)

It can travel through time.

(beat)

No, we don't have a time-travelling bike. That would be scientifically impossible!

AMALGAM, AMITY and THE CRITIC in the audience.

AMALGAM (to Amity)

Thanks for including that line.

AMITY

That one's for you.

AMALGAM

It would be scientifically impossible.

AMITY

Yes, yes.

CRITIC

I'm finding it hard to pick holes in this plot. I'll keep trying.

CUT TO:

23. INT. THEATRE - BAR. Night 3 - 1946

BEAR-SHIFT has defeated RED SOLDIER and VIOLET SOLDIER. LYRIC is fighting ORANGE SOLDIER and BLUE SOLDIER, sword-on-gun. GOAT has defeated YELLOW SOLDIER. DOG and RAVEN have teamed up to take down INDIGO SOLDIER. Which leaves ...

CHRONAL

GREEN SOLDIER!

CHRONAL has arrived, and attacks GREEN SOLDIER. SHIFT is now human again.

CHRONAL

You don't deserve that outfit!

LYRIC

Oh, God. It's you.

CHRONAL

Yes. And you can sarcasm all you like, but you called me.

SHIFT

Sounding a bit like a sitcom relationship, guys.

CHRONAL

Bromance!

LYRIC

No.

Chronal has defeated Green Soldier.

SHIFT

Oh, I've got a message from Finesse. Just after we've won. What a big convenient.

CUT TO:

24. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1947

FINESSE and AUDITOR are facing off against a CREEPY CLOWN.

CREEPY CLOWN (creepily)

Hee hee hee! We meet again!

AUDITOR

So you know this guy?

FINESSE

Actually... we've fought a lot of clown themed villains. I lose track.

CREEPY CLOWN

What?!

FINESSE

I'm actually not that good with faces. And yours is painted.

The Clown throws a water balloon at them, and Finesse and Auditor scatter. It hits against the wall, which promptly dissolves.

AUDITOR

The structural damage is really mounting up, here. Someone is not going to like their bill.

SHIFT arrives.

SHIFT

Hey, guys - urgh. Creepy clown.

CREEPY CLOWN

Hee hee! You remember me!

SHIFT

What? No, sorry, that was just a discriptive observation. Have we met?

Creepy Clown screams (creepily). He throws his acid balloons at Shift, who turns into a swallow, dodges through them, flies above him and turns into a tiger, which promptly crushes him. She becomes an adder, bites him and thereby doesn't kill him, but makes him quite ill.

CUT TO:

25. INT. THEATRE - LIGHT AND SOUND BOX. Night 3 - 1948

WRAITH and TWO TECHNICIANS are just finishing righting the box again, and resuming service in time for the dramatic special-effects-heavy section of the play.

TECHNICIAN#1

Okay, ready? Light and sound have to be perfect now, ready?

TECHNICIAN#2

Yep. Let's go!

They begin -

- a snatch of Tomorrow Never Knows by the Beatles plays, as Wraith grumpily covers his ears -

- and a blare of sound suddenly floods the box, knocking over both technicians, as a woman in a musical stave-themed costume drops in -

LOUD

Well hello, Scribbler.

WRAITH

No! Not now, you nagger!

CUT TO:

26. INT. THEATRE - STAGE. Night 3 - 1948

The action and emotional drama are in full swing -

And the lights go out!

CRITIC

The lights have gone out. It may be a clever theatrical ploy, but if it persists I shall deem it a tawdry gimmick.

AMITY (under her breath)

What's going on?

(beat)

Animalgaman? You're alarmed and nervous.

AMALGAM (morosely)

I wish the others were here.

The lights come back on!

CRITIC

Hmm. Perhaps I'll consider it a clever ploy. I'll try not to.

AMITY

Phew.

CUT TO:

27. INT. THEATRE - LIGHT AND SOUND BOX. Night 3 - 1948

The two TECHNICIANS are, by now, fully unconscious on the floor. The equipment, both light and sound is all ruined. WRAITH and LOUD are fighting, a slappy-hands fight with the odd loud sound or bright light thrown in. Simultaneously, Wraith is making the lighting go on stage, while trying to read the directions clutched in one hand.

LOUD

So, Scribbler! Would you like to hear my plans for world domination?

WRAITH

Nnn... no...

ACTOR#2 (from onstage)

No! The rails, they're moving through a different continuity!

WRAITH

Red light, then white -

LOUD

I'm going to conquer the world and make it compulsory to wear purple and invest in koala-based charities!

WRAITH

Go away, go away...

CUT TO:

28. EXT. DINAS THEATRE. Night 3 - 1949

CLOUDBURST and KAYLEIGH are drinking cocktails of their own making and comparing Doctor Martens boots.

KAYLEIGH

And these are about seven years old, now. The pain I went through breaking them in! Finesse and Chronal could probably tell you.

CLOUDBURST

Awesome! These are new. I got them off ebay.

KAYLEIGH

Hurting yet?

CLOUDBURST

Like a bitch, yep.

FINESSE arrives.

FINESSE

Hey guys. All fine?

KAYLEIGH

Look, we killed an emo weatherman!

FINESSE

Wow. I hope that was exaggeration.

CLOUDBURST

Think he's breathing. Could be wrong.

Suddenly, lightning strikes! They all leap to their feet, as a GIANT FACE looks down at them.

LIVING STATUE TO ZEUS

Scribblers! Meet Your Doom!

CLOUDBURST

Hey! I'm the one with the lightning!

FINESSE

Hello, Zeus. Still sitting, I see.

LIVING STATUE TO ZEUS

You Laugh At My Disability For Classical Reasons Of Nerdiness For The Last Time, Scribbler.

KAYLEIGH

Doubt that.

CUT TO:

29. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1950

SHIFT and AUDITOR are having a picnic behind the ACTORS waiting to go on.

AUDITOR

It's the alley next to the office I hate. It channels wind; you walk along there with an umbrella and you're at serious risk of becoming Mary Poppins.

SHIFT

Yes. There's nothing like a strong wind for making me break into songs about unhygenic medicine and correct bird nutrition prices.

Suddenly, METAL MAN bursts in! Noes! Shift and Auditor leap up.

METAL MAN

A ha! My nemesis!

SHIFT

I'm defined by considerably better than you, you know.

AUDITOR

It's true. You are.

SHIFT

That's why I keep you around.

METAL MAN

Argh! Dead-panned off-beat sentiment, my true nemesis!

He attacks, transforming into a battering ram -

-knocks over one of the Actors -

- who screams as he falls through a trap-door to below the stage.

CUT TO:

30. INT. THEATRE - STAGE. Night 3 - 1950

In the audience, AMITY and AMALGAM hear the scream, and exchange a look. They get up.

CRITIC

You're getting up. Maybe I can perceive this as a lack of confidence in your own work.

AMITY

Er, no, no - bathroom break, that's all.

CRITIC

Oh. I'll carry on trying to spot plot holes.

They head backstage.

CUT TO:

31. INT. THEATRE - BAR. Night 3 - 1951

LYRIC and CHRONAL are dragging the last of the RAINBOW SOLDIERS to the side, now neatly tied up. DOG, RAVEN and GOAT leave.

CHRONAL

Reckon they'll melt?

LYRIC

Only the orange, purple and green ones.

CHRONAL

Reckon they have different powers based on their colours?

LYRIC

Yes, in the style on Nintendo and the Green Lantern Corps and everything else ever.

CHRONAL

Reckon they have only one emotion each based on their colours?

LYRIC

I cannot begin to imagine what emotion the indigo one has that the blue one doesn't.

CHRONAL

Or the orange.

AMITY enters.

AMITY

Guys, quick, it's all going wrong!

CHRONAL

Oh no! It's okay, we can handle it. What do you need?

AMITY

Oh, you know -

She suddenly attacks! Chronal, taken by surprise, is knocked to the floor; Lyric springs forward and blocks her would-be ending blow.

AMITY

You can die.

LYRIC

Amity! What the hell?

CHRONAL

I'm so sorry! We've been trying to keep it all away from the play!

AMITY

Play? What do I care about a play?

CHRONAL

Oh no! She's gone mad with grief!

LYRIC

What's happened, Amity? What's wrong with you?

AMITY

Oh for goodness' sake. I'm not your friend.

She shimmers, and transforms -

Into PRONOUN!

CHRONAL

Ooohhhhhh...

LYRIC

Oh that explains it...

CHRONAL

I must say, that murder attempt makes rather more sense now. Also I'm not sorry anymore.

LYRIC

Right.

He mutters something. A hat appears on Pronoun's head, with a two-stars-and-a-wish motif. She pulls at it.

PRONOUN

Hey! Ow! It's stuck!

LYRIC

Captain A. I am Lyric's brilliant ploy.

CHRONAL

Hooray! Let's play 'Attack the Hat'!

LYRIC

Also let's call others.

CUT TO:

32. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1954

METAL MAN's face is covered in staples. THE AUDITOR shoots him with rubber bands. Shift is a REINDEER. Seasonal. Smiley face. Lol.

METAL MAN

Auditor is a good name.

AUDITOR

See, I wanted to be called El Gringo Mysterioso.

METAL MAN

I'd have been Mineral, I think.

AMITY and AMALGAM arrive, with the ANIMALS.

AMITY

Metal Man? You are ruining my play.

METAL MAN

Yeah? Well you're my nemesis's friend. And any friend of my nemesis is an enemy of my friend of ... I got lost.

Goat bites him.

METAL MAN

Ow! I wasn't metal yet.

SHIFT

Can you two take care of this guy?

AMALGAM

Sounds like fun. Animals versus minerals.

METAL MAN

Well, you know, that was sort-of the idea ...

SHIFT

Then we'll head for the bar.

Shift and Auditor leave.

METAL MAN

Okay! Let's do it!

Amity gives him a withering look.

METAL MAN

I feel sad.

CUT TO:

33. INT. THEATRE - SOUND AND LIGHT BOOTH. Night 3 - 1957

WRAITH and LOUD are fighting. Wraith is barefoot - his socks are in his ears, and his floating shoes are on his hands. His hands are held up, and the shoes keep Loud away from him.

LOUD

The noise will beat you! Noise noise noise.

WRAITH

Your banter is lost on me because I can't hear you.

Loud lashes out -

Wraith deflects -

And darts his eyes towards the stage.

LOUD

What are you doing?

She leaps, and knocks a sock from Wraith's ear.

LOUD

What are you doing?

WRAITH

Doing the lights! You knocked out our techies, idiot.

LOUD

But ... wait, you had two technicians for the lights?

WRAITH

The other guy did sound.

LOUD

Sound ...

She sits in one of the technicians' seats.

LOUD

Forget the fight. This is a proper challenge.

WRAITH

Baps.

CUT TO:

34. EXT. DINAS THEATRE. Night 3 - 1958

The LIVING STATUE TO ZEUS is covered in plants and snow. CLOUDBURST, KAYLEIGH and FINESSE look proud.

KAYLEIGH

I hate that statue.

FINESSE

Satute's good. Should be ivory, though. I tell him every time.

LIVING STATUE TO ZEUS

And Every Time I Weep.

CLOUDBURST

Proper emo, mind.

CUT TO:

35. INT. THEATRE - BAR. Night 3 - 1958

LYRIC, CHRONAL, SHIFT and AUDITOR are fighting SOLAR-plus-hat.

SOLAR

You're being mean to me!

SHIFT

Yeah, why are we attacking Solar?

CHRONAL

Hard to tell. But it's important we attack whoever's in the hat.

AUDITOR

Oh, maybe she's a shapeshifter?

Solar transforms into CLOUDBURST.

CLOUDBURST

Stop it, Lyric!

LYRIC
Oh, God, sorry.

CHRONAL

No no no no no! Keep fighting!

CLOUDBURST

But it stings!

SHIFT

Fight the hat. Doesn't matter who wears it - fight them.

Cloudburst becomes FINESSE.

FINESSE

Shift! Save me.

FINESSE (OOV)

Oh, you really never learn, do you?

The real CLOUDBURST, FINESSE and KAYLEIGH have arrived.

Hat-Finesse is transformed into THE CRITIC.

CRITIC

What the?

Chronal attacks him.

CHRONAL

That's for your unfavourable review of my superhero monologue!

CUT TO:

36. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1959

AMITY and AMALGAM have METAL MAN strapped to a table.

AMALGAM

Right, I think that's everyone.

AMITY

Message from Finesse. No more villains on their way - Super Skeleton and the Teacher have secured the immediate area.

AMALGAM

That's it, then, surely?

AMITY

But Metal Man knocked out one of our actors! We need a replacement - who do we know who has stage experience, is devilishly handsome, can do a convincing Welsh accent, and can learn the lines in four minutes?

CUT TO:

37. INT. THEATRE - STAGE. Night 3 - 2030

CHRONAL on stage.

CHRONAL

The tram's gone where it's truly needed. A third-world orphanage.

THE CRITIC is crying.

CRITIC

It is the most beautiful play I have ever seen. I give it five stars out of three.

CUT TO:

38. INT. THE PIT. Night 3 - 2200

Everyone eating Christmas dinner! AMITY, CHRONAL, FINESSE, LYRIC, SHIFT, WRAITH, PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH, AMALGAM, CLOUDBURST, THE AUDITOR.

AMITY

And it's going to be in Meta Today, and the Guardian, and even the Times reporter grudgingly agreed to print it in spite of its favourable portrayals of five different oppressed demographics.

AMALGAM

Amazing! I'm so happy!

FINESSE

So happy you've mixed yourself up again. Human in chair, dog on floor, remember?

AMALGAM

Oh yeah.

He swaps.

AMALGAM

Also I got you socks!

AMITY

Hooray! You're so thought- wait, those aren't new. They're mine.

AMALGAM

Yes!

KAYLEIGH

Is it wrong that I still feel we should be attacking Lyric's hat?

LYRIC

Yes. This is my new hat.

CHRONAL

No attacking Lyric's new hat!

WRAITH

But we can attack Lyric? Ha!

SHIFT

It's funny, because really we would attack Wraith. Because we don't like him. Because he's a disgustoid. Whereas Lyric is a better person, with far more to recommend him.

WRAITH

Baps.

AUDITOR

Hey, did you get Loud's number, by the way? You seemed well-matched.

WRAITH

Nah. She was mental. She was talking about purple koalas.

CLOUDBURST

Isn't your actual girlfriend an internationally wanted amoral collector of powerful artefacts?

WRAITH

Well...

FINESSE

She is mental, Wraith. Be fair.

WRAITH

She wants her ruby back, btw.

FINESSE

She can earn it, fyi.

WRAITH

Lolz.

LYRIC

Anyway, guys; a toast! To Amity's play, and to Christmas!

EVERYONE

(not together; messily)

Merry Christmas, everyone!

FINESSE

Yeah, that really doesn't work, does it?

THE END