Dylan

Today's the day. Yes. Today. Valentine's Day. Could it be more appropriate?

Well, not if she says "no", it wouldn't. That wouldn't be very appropriate at all, would it? You idiot. Turned down on Valentine's Day.

But COULD she say "no"? Surely not. Not on Valentine's Day.

Of course she could if she didn't bloody want to. And she should – you don't want to go out with someone because they don't want to ruin the day.

Oh, sigh. Ho-hum. Bored now. Just want to get it over with.

No! Not bored! Scared out of my sodding mind! Jump up and down. Slap your face. Wash your face.

Wait, no, don't just wash your face. Have a shower. Use a million of your mother's tiny bottles of shampoo. And shave! Not that there's much to shave, but every little helps. Damn, if only Clearasil worked faster.

Shower shower shower. Come on. Think what you're going to say.

"Ffion, I fancy you."

No! Nobody says "fancy" in a serious conversation.

"Ffion, I think I'm in love with you."

Argh, far too strong. What's halfway between "fancy" and "love"?

"Ffion, I find you very attractive, and I think you've got a damned decent personality. And impeccable taste in bags. Love the colour."

Yes, that's probably the one. Can't say that, though. Obviously.

Should probably have breakfast. Nothing that stinks, though. A banana, maybe. They smell nice. Oh, God, what if she hates bananas? Right, skip breakfast. Brush your teeth, though. And do a bloody good job of it too.

Right. Let's think. Can't just dive straight into it. Got to build up to it.

"Ffion, can we talk?"

Right. That's good. Only one answer, really.

"Of course we can, Dylan."

God, what if she says we can't? She won't. No. As long as you say it in a serious tone of voice, she'll know it's important.

So. You take her to one side ... and if her friends follow ... Well, tough for them, they'll just have to be there too.

"I quite like you, Ffion. Quite a lot, actually."

It sounds crap. And that makes it sound unplanned! Only an idiot would PLAN to say that. Oh, bugger, you can't say that.

"Since it's Valentine's Day –"

You should have got her a card! Too late now. Unless you make one ... You CAN'T BLOODY MAKE ONE, you retard. What would you use? Pages ripped from your homework diary.

Dammit, your gums are bleeding. Don't worry, there's ... three hours to go before school.

Wait, three hours? You're up too early, you idiot. Damned stress kept you awake.

Right. Clear head. You could do it via ... No, not via e-mail. You tool. No successful relationship EVER started online.

Maybe you could talk to her mate first. Whatsername – Stephanie. Get some advice. Or find one of the boys who already have girlfriends. See what they did. Hmm, can you really imagine Dan Simmons or Phillip Jones talking about their emotions, though? Okay, scrap that idea.

Right, get dressed, and make sure your clothes are clean and ironed.

Ironed? Really? Will she notice? Maybe she'd prefer someone with a more laid back, baggy attitude. Although her dad's a lawyer ... But then, your dad's a vet, and look at what that says about you.

Headache now. Glass of water. Aren't you meant to have eight glasses of water a day? You don't drink enough. Probably why you're covered in spots. And why you're so pale.

Did you shave? Yes, you did, don't panic. Shit, what if she likes stubble? Well, bum-fluff's hardly stubble, mate.

Alright, you can't make her a card, but maybe you can get her a gift. Flowers or chocolates. At six in the morning? Tesco's is probably open. But you can't go to Tesco's before school. There must be some rule.

Should you really do this today? Yes! Of course you should. Fool. If you don't do it today, you'll never do it.

You've fancied her for, like, three years, though. That's ... 20% of your life.

Don't start on the maths. That's probably the most unattractive thing ever. Apart from your skin and, more recently, your bleeding gums.

Right. Clear your head. Forget everything for a moment. Let's get some perspective.

Open the curtains. Look out – sunny or raining?

Dear God – is that a spaceship?

Jesus. Sodding aliens. And they bloody WOULD choose Valentine's Day.