Scribblers: Ghostwritten

Belated finale, but hey. All done! And also with five pages illustrated, because it never happens.


Scribblers: Ghostwritten

Issue the Next

Scene the First: Inside the SCEPTRE labs. The Scribblers, BRUCE, HERR KLAUSNER and SERGEI are standing in the observation room from the start, but standing inside the glass with the axe. LYRIC is running his hands over it and examining it carefully, watched closely by a fascinated SERGEI and from the back by a mistrustful BRUCE. Everyone else is observing and talking.

FINESSE (frustratedly)
Gadgets. The bitch. I can't do anything about gadgets.

SHIFT
Yes, it was perhaps an oversight on our part, given that it was from someone who collects gadgets.

FINESSE
That's unhelpful.

SHIFT
I think you'll find it's extremely helpful.

FINESSE
I think you'll find it's not.

CHRONAL
It's cheating, really. Using gadgets. Like Batman.

AMITY
Don't we think it's odd, though? Attacking the city with robots? I mean -

BRUCE
Well, she's a terrorist, my dear.

AMITY
Terrorists have reasons, my dear. That wasn't a diversion to steal the axe; it's still here. Why advertise herself like that?

HERR KLAUSNER
Vell, perhaps she is insane, ve may never know, shame. Anyvay: zis is our axe.

WRAITH
Retro.

SERGEI
Is vun thousand years old -

He glances at HERR KLAUSNER -

SERGEI
Almost. Ve know it is poverful - our readings are over there, on screen in corner. cHas extremely chigh pover output.

LYRIC
Yes. What does it do with that power?

SERGEI
Ve don't know! There are legends -

SHIFT
Ooh, really?

SERGEI
Da. Many, and from many different cultures - I chave made book of them, if you vant to see...

SHIFT
I vant.

HERR KLAUSNER (wearily)
Sergei, please mit ze focusing...

SERGEI
Prastite. Vell, there are many, but ve chave vun ve believe most. Axe vas crafted nearly thousand years ago, probably in Estonia, by - vell. Legend says it vas by mighty god, ve aren't sure who it actually vas. But it vas given as gift to king, great varrior, and told it vould serve chim vell, and che must pass it down the generations; because, vun thousand years after it vas forged, it vould become more valuable than all vorld's gold, and its owner vould rule vorld.

BRUCE (muttered)
Yes... rule the world...

LYRIC
How?

SERGEI
Ve don't know. It vill activate, soon; you see pover readings? They are up two chundred percent from vun week ago. Ve are close.

FINESSE
How close?

SERGEI (uncomfortably)
Ah. Vell, yes, that is problem ve chave chad. Thing is -

FINESSE
Different calendar systems?

SERGEI (joyfully)
Yes! Yes, exactly! Svitch from Julian to Gregorian alone makes it very difficult -

FINESSE (thoughtfully)
And that's not even starting on the others. I mean, the Japanese -

SERGEI
Yes! Yes, it is very chard!

BRUCE (disparagingly)
Ladies, if we could focus?

CHRONAL
Ladies?

SHIFT
Why would someone build an artefact to grant world domination that they could never use, though?

Shift thoughtfully snatches the book from Sergei.

AMITY
Yes, that struck me, too. You couldn't even be sure your decendents would have it after that amount of time, could you?

FINESSE
More importantly, gentlemen, what exactly are you doing with this fine world-dominating axe?

HERR KLAUSNER (loudly)
Ah! Aha! Ja, ja I can see vhere you might be thinking, mit ze - nein, fraulein, ve are a research organisation, zat is all, tell, Sergei, tell tell...

SERGEI
Er, da. Axe is vun thousand years old, you see, but look! cHow old vould you chave said it vas?

FINESSE
Lyric?

LYRIC
Brand new. It could have been forged this morning.

SERGEI
Exactly! Axe chas ability to keep itself - vell. Forever young, as it vere. And it chas been used, comrades! Across many centuries. Still it looks new.

AMITY
So your interest is medical?

SERGEI
Da! Vunce ve understand pover source...

FINESSE
On the subject of that - how does it power itself?

CHRONAL
There's a plug. That's not true.

SERGEI
As of yet, ve are still uncertain. Vhatever it is, it is self-sustaining.

CHRONAL
But built a thousand years ago?

SERGEI
Da. Fascinating, nyet?

SHIFT
I found my favourite!

They turn to look at her as she looks at the book.

SHIFT
The story goes that, a thousand years ago, the king of a mighty empire ordered the creation of a weapon which would release the soul without killing the body. The civilisation practiced sacrifice, but in this more unlightened age, thought that swords were a bit nasty.

LYRIC
Swords are great.

SHIFT
So this trickster-goblin thing turns up, all tiny and teleporty and, um, with silver skin, and offers the axe in exchange for ... wait for it ...

CHRONAL
The Tenth Planet Part Four!

SHIFT
No.

CHRONAL
Sorry. I hate waiting. I feel the flow of time, you know.

SHIFT
The king's own son was the asking price. The king agreed, on the basis that clean swords is worth a human life, apparently.

FINESSE
You sniff about it now, but they sacrificed people.

SHIFT
Oh. Good point. Either way, the goblin took away the son, and a year later, turned up with the axe. The king takes it, and tells the goblin to return his son, or he'll axe him in the face.

WRAITH
Face!

SHIFT
The goblin refuses, obviously, and the king plants the axe in his head. There's a very funny picture in the book.

They gather around. Some laugh, some look horrified.

SHIFT
Suddenly, the king feels strange, and his body starts to fade. Turns out, he should've read the instructions - it's the user, not the victim, who loses his soul.

CHRONAL
Yay, fun trickster mythology!

SHIFT
So the king fades to nothing, the goblin dies of axe-head, and the axe is taken by ... guess!

AMITY
The son! He's the only significant character left!

SHIFT
No, a dragon.

Pause.

SHIFT
Yeah, I was surprised too. I think it's from some other myth. But that's where the thousand-year thing comes into it. There's another story about the dragon guarding a weapon, but in this case, it's a hammer. That hammer supposedly activated after a thousand years. I reckon the axe just inherited that fact from the hammer.

LYRIC
So the axe won't actually activate at all?

SHIFT
That's what I think. Just a myth.

Sergei looks very sad. Also worried.

Herr Klausner has the face of a man who will be Having Words with any researches known to omit significant axe-related details.

AMITY
It's clearly powerful, though, since it still looks brand-new.

CHRONAL
Not to mention the power readings.

LYRIC (quietly, to Finesse)
What do you think?

She moves closer, both ignoring the rest of the room.

FINESSE
No idea. If it were modern I'd suggest beta-particle conversion, but a thousand years ago?

LYRIC
Yeah. But I think you're right.

FINESSE
Seriously?

LYRIC
I know! I am Lyric's quiet excitement.

FINESSE
That's incredible!

LYRIC
Yeah, it is!

WRAITH sidles over to them.

WRAITH
Hey losers. I think we need to go.

FINESSE
Why?

WRAITH
Chronal just asked Australian Man why he was so uncertain in his masculinity that he feels the need to suppress women for strength.

LYRIC
What?

FINESSE
Oh dear god.

They turn back to the group where BRUCE is glowering at CHRONAL, who is standing calmly with his arms folded, supremely unconcerned. Everyone else is standing around looking slightly awkward. Behind them all a tumbleweed rolls by.

WRAITH
Ehhhhhh. We've brought Kayleigh's tumbleweed.

FINESSE
Right. Well, clearly it's a powerful artefact that we can't allow a robot-wielding maniac to get her hands on, so let's go and stop her, children.

AMITY (quickly)
Good idea! Let's leave right now.

SHIFT
Let's go! Time is fleeing us!

CHRONAL
It's not, you know.

SHIFT (brightly)
Yes!

HERR KLAUSNER
Vait! Vait, before you go, you must take vun of our men.

LYRIC
Normally people tell me not to.

WRAITH
Lolz.

HERR KLAUSNER
Nein, I mean - ze Yūrei is very dangerous, and ve have some experience mit her. Vill you take a grunt? Ve have many, you can choose if you vish?

He gestures to a line of GRUNTS standing along one wall. They all endeavor to look surly and macho.

FINESSE
Alright, pick a boy-bitch, Lyric.

SHIFT
You should choose number three.

LYRIC
I choose number four.

SHIFT
That's a rubbish choice. No offence. I'm sure you're a very nice surly grunt.

CHRONAL
He could be charming and now crushed! What's your name, surly grunt?

SURLY GRUNT
...Rodriguez.

AMITY
That's a lovely name! And now I feel less elitist.

CHRONAL
And are you charming and crushed, Rodriguez?

RODRIGUEZ
Let's just find this tart and finish her, shall we?

There is a pause.

CHRONAL
Oh yeah. Gentlemen's club. Idotic brat whose mummy didn't love him enough, I remember.

SHIFT
I liked him better when he was possibly charming and crushed.

WRAITH
Epic fail, son.

AMITY
I miss being elitist.

FINESSE
He's a card, I'm sure. Onwards, kiddies!

Scene the Next. Back in that lovely forest, remember the forest? It's so beautiful. Nearly all deciduous trees, too, and native species, hardly any pine. This means Bushy Undergrowth, my friends. Wins.

Anyway: back in the clearing. It is all much the same as before except, instead of a cottage, there is merely an impact site - the building itself is gone. The Scribblers and RODRIGUEZ wander around it, inspecting the damage while CHRONAL scans it with some Tech, because he is Tech Man.

WRAITH
It was right here!

SHIFT
Clearly.

WRAITH
It was!

SHIFT
Yes, I was agreeing, you crazy. That's some exceedingly damaged undergrowth.

LYRIC
I knew a guy once who made exceedingly good cakes.

AMITY
What a lovely man to know!

(beat)

Wait, you mean Mr Kipling, don't you?

LYRIC
I did, and I now regret it given how disappointed you seem.

AMITY
I wanted to meet him.

FINESSE
And you can. Go to a supermarket. Chronal?

CHRONAL
Well, good news. Wraith doesn't seem to be a liar.

WRAITH
Hey! That was still an option?

SHIFT
It's because of your untrustworthy face.

WRAITH
My mummy said it was the most beautiful face she'd ever seen.

LYRIC
She said 'special' and you know it.

WRAITH turns invisible, and loudly pretends to cry.

FINESSE
Children, please. Lyric's boy-bitch will think we're unprofessional.

RODRIGUEZ
His what?

AMITY
Oh, er, no, he's also homophobic, by the way. We really were off the mark with 'charming'.

SHIFT
But he's from a gentlemen's club.

LYRIC
It's not gay if the balls don't touch.

WRAITH('s voice)
Words to live by.

AMITY
Well, to do something by, at any rate.

WRAITH('s voice)
Lol!

RODRIGUEZ
Shut up, you pack of freaks!

WRAITH pretends to cry again.

FINESSE
Guys, leave him alone. Mr Bitch, please refrain from insulting my team. Chronal, why isn't Wraith a liar? And please note, Wraith, that I'm not asking you and so don't require a witty riposte in ironic bantered response.

CHRONAL
I'm picking up residual energy fields with a bitchinly high output. Look! Look how high!

He holds up the scanner.

LYRIC
Bitchin'.

SHIFT
Traceable?

CHRONAL
Not unless we learn to fly. Although, we could probably tie Wraith to the outside of the Trans-Jet and then he could hold the scanner and we'll fly slowly enough to not asphyxiate him.

LYRIC
Seconded.

WRAITH('s voice)
Baps.

CHRONAL
'Cause, you know, it just seems more fun than using the hover shoes.

AMITY
Do we think asphyxiation is the only risk here...?

CHRONAL
Yes, or you'd have said. I hearby refuse to listen to anything else.

AMITY
Oh. I need to work on assertively vetoing things.

SHIFT
I can fly.

CHRONAL
Or that, whatever works.

SHIFT turns into a red kite and flies at CHRONAL; he holds out the scanner and she takes it in her talons, flying up and away through the hole in the canopy. FINESSE folds her arms, and looks pointedly at the broken branches.

FINESSE (disapprovingly)
I have to say, though - deciduous woodland is a dwindling resource and a major carbon sink, not to mention a vital habitat for thousands of species. Breaking holes in it does not earn one any brownie points.

CHRONAL
Damage to woodlands is always so much more depressing than you'd think.

FINESSE (still disapprovingly)
Just saying... if someone is going to go breaking branches and trampling saplings, they should really make sure they have a good plan for repairing the damage afterwards.

CHRONAL
Maybe she has a gadget? Batman would have a gadget.

RODRIGUEZ
Who are you talking to, anyway?

FINESSE
No one in particular, I'm sure. Just saying.

RODRIGUEZ
Women...

CHRONAL (sarcastically)
Yes, and I'm sure if I'd said it you'd have stereotyped all men, wouldn't you?

RODRIGUEZ
Except you wouldn't have said it, pretty boy.

AMITY
Hey! He has a brain as well!

LYRIC
Yeah, stop objectifying him because of his looks, boy-bitch!

CHRONAL
It's the story of my life...

FINESSE
Well, you've even turned a homophobe now.

RODRIGUEZ (angrily)
I am not queer, you whore!

He steps forward to FINESSE, but suddenly she vanishes and reappears behind him. He spins around, spluttering with rage. CHRONAL smiles.

FINESSE
Mr Bitch, you can insult me, but do not think you can take me.

WRAITH('s voice)
Owned.

RODRIGUEZ (squeakily)
Why have I got such a wedgie?

CHRONAL looks grim. Yet naughty.

RODRIGUEZ (squeakier still)
And why does it reset when I fix it?

SHIFT flies back down, and CHRONAL takes the scanner from her before she transforms back. FINESSE and RODRIGUEZ maintain eye contact.

SHIFT
Well, I couldn't read it and fly at the same time, so I just flew in a circle. What does it say?

CHRONAL
It's interesting.

He turns the scanner sideways and presses a button. A holographic map appears above it of the forest, with a cloudy blue line rising out of it and heading away.

CHRONAL
According to this we've only got the one trail. So either she left the same way she arrived, or -

FINESSE
Or she's still here.

She turns, and looks at the tree to her right.

FINESSE
What do you think?

And the YŪREI steps forward seemingly out of the bark of the tree, like an object in a magic eye picture. RODRIGUEZ spins around, drawing a gun out and pointing it at her -

- and cries out as AMITY steps forward, calmly pulling the gun from his fingers.

AMITY
Sorry Mr Bitch, but clearly we can't let you do that.

SHIFT
What did you -?

AMITY
An extremely magnified superego.

LYRIC
Nasty! Good work.

RODRIGUEZ sinks to his knees slowly, shivering.

RODRIGUEZ
But... how...?

YŪREI
I am sorry for your trees. I did not think.

FINESSE
It's okay. We have a friend who can heal them.

YŪREI
I am glad.

RODRIGUEZ
Catch... her...

FINESSE
So you can frame her for your robots again?

RODRIGUEZ
What? You couldn't -!

FINESSE
We are professionals, Mr Bitch. Professionals with an extremely skilled empath on our team. Not to mention, and I cannot stress this point enough, the fact that we are, demonstrably, a team. Of six.

AMITY
Oh dear. She's very angry with you.

FINESSE
Yes, I am. You know why? I can cope with your antiquated and rapidly dying brand of chauvinism, see, and god knows you're not the first evil organisation that's tried to trick us into working for it, and I can even cope with the hideous racial cliches you all represent. But you know what really pisses me off?

RODRIGUEZ
...No?

FINESSE
We fought her, and she got away, and you thought that was me at my best.

RODRIGUEZ cowers. WRAITH becomes visible and sidles over to the YŪREI.

WRAITH
She doesn't mean it offensively...

YŪREI
I know. And she is right. Had we genuinely fought I could not have escaped - you are all great warriors.

(beat)

Well; perhaps except for you.

WRAITH
Loses.

AMITY
How quickly people adopt that meme.

CHRONAL
Yes, and did you see that, Mr Bitch? You don't have a sense of humour. She does. This is one of many ways in which we knew she's actually a good guy.

YŪREI
It is true. Upon meeting Wraith I called him a gaijin and he called me a chink. I am informed this passes for humour here.

AMITY
Oh, um, it doesn't, but Wraith thinks it does.

SHIFT
Wraith thinks a lot of things no one else does.

WRAITH
I'm special.

SHIFT
Yes, you are, you saddo.

LYRIC
Hey, so, is your house still here?

YŪREI
Yes. Gaijin is hiding it.

WRAITH
Yeah. I'm going to stop now.

The house fades back into view.

LYRIC
Wow. Quaint, much?

FINESSE
I don't get it.

CHRONAL
I do! It's brilliant! Can we have one, Finesse?

FINESSE
I don't even get the question.

RODRIGUEZ
How long, Scribblers? How long have you known?

AMITY
Well, since Wraith met the Yūrei. And, um, then they turned up in town, and Chronal froze time so we could talk, and then we staged the rest for your benefit. We got to play Make Believe! It was fun!

CHRONAL
So now, Mr Bitch; what exactly are SCEPTRE wanting this axe for?

RODRIGUEZ
The hell I'm telling you -

AMITY sighs, and he subsides.

RODRIGUEZ
To rule the world.

FINESSE
How?

RODRIGUEZ
We don't know. We don't know what it'll do.

CHRONAL
And what will you do with the world?

RODRIGUEZ
Change it. We will reform it. We'll reclaim our lost glories, our lost values -

CHRONAL (horrified)
No! You're going to take away Progress?

FINESSE
Chronal... we knew it would be awful -

CHRONAL
But Progress! No!

SHIFT
Oh dear.

(beat)

I said you should have picked the third boy-bitch.

LYRIC
You - what? What does that have to do with anything?!

SHIFT
Well, this one's rubbish.

AMITY
The Australian man is really evil, by the way. Even more than Herr Klausner. I think he's a massive problem if he gets that axe.

YŪREI
I would like the axe.

There is a pause.

YŪREI
I understand your hesitation, Scribblers. But, I am just a collector. Nothing in my collection has been used for any purpose other than scaring Gaijin.

WRAITH
Ehhhhhhhh.

CHRONAL
Well, that seems like a noble purpose.

FINESSE
You'll keep it safe? You will never try to conquer the world, commit genocide or miscellaneous other with it?

YŪREI
You have my word.

AMITY
She's telling the truth.

SHIFT
I agree.

FINESSE
Excellent! Frankly, that's a weight off our mind. Wraith tends to use the gadgets we store when we're out.

YŪREI
For inappropriate sexual antics?

AMITY
Really, how does that catch on so quickly?

LYRIC
I’m just glad it’s not me for once.

WRAITH
And hey, you come from the country that gave the world tentacle rape and bukkake!

YŪREI
I concede the point.

SHIFT
Right! Well, we need to go back and get the axe out of SCEPTRE, yes?

RODRIGUEZ
It’s not SCEPTRE, you freak! It’s S.C.E.P.T.R.E.!

LYRIC
Quiet, boy-bitch. I have the super-human power of understanding semantics, and not one of you people has yet meant it when you’ve used it as an acronym.

RODRIGUEZ
And stop calling me -!

AMITY sighs and pats him on the head, and he subsides again, this time glumly rocking on his heels.

FINESSE
Anyway; back to the plan, please, Shift. And Chronal, stop doing that. He’s a prisoner of war.

CHRONAL
He called you a whore!

FINESSE
We’ve beaten him now! Geneva convention! But thank you.

CHRONAL
Fine…

SHIFT
Well, first thing’s first –

AMITY
Wait.

They all stop and look at her, but she’s frowning at RODRIGUEZ, clearly thinking very fast, and then holds out a hand to him.

AMITY
Give it to me.

He cowers, suddenly terrified, and then hands over a communicator; on its screen HERR KLAUSNER’s panicked face is visible.

HERR KLAUSNER
Scheiser –

It cuts out, and AMITY sighs.

AMITY
Damn. Sorry. I should have spotted that sooner.

FINESSE
Not your fault. He had to be good at something.

SHIFT
Number three would have been even better, mind.

LYRIC
And anyway, now we know they know we know. We could’ve not known.

YŪREI
Although, they also know that we know that they know that we know.

CHRONAL
No!

WRAITH
Hey, so, what did you do to the Orangu-twat there, anyway? He’s looking at you and crying.

AMITY
Oh, I redirected his innate and primal fear of predators onto me. He thinks I’m going to eat him.

CHRONAL
Nice!

AMITY
Good, isn’t it?

SHIFT
Okay, well, anyway, my first plan is now useless because of the inordinate and inconvenient amount of knowing going on, so the second is just that we go and break in, if I’m honest.

FINESSE
Who needs subtlety, eh?

SHIFT
Oh, I can’t be having with it.

CHRONAL
Wraith needs subtlety.

WRAITH
So does your face.

AMITY
If we’re going in, though, we’re totally unprepared. We don’t really know the layout of the building, or the alarm systems, or anything like that.

SHIFT
Ah, the clever part of the plan! Step forward if you’re a master thief!

The YŪREI steps forward, and smiles.

LYRIC
Wick.

Scene the Next. Back in S.C.E.P.T.R.E., in what is apparently a war room – it looks a lot like the builder was here aiming for ‘bunker’, since that’s where people plot in films. In a big glass case in one corner is a giant 3D map with troops on it that people can push around with those long pointer stick things. It is not currently being used, although BRUCE keeps periodically glancing hungrily at it.

There is also a big central long oval table, around which are seated various members of S.C.E.P.T.R.E., headed by HERR KLAUSNER, who has his head miserably in his hands. They are all looking frantic.

HERR KLAUSNER
Scheiser. Zey know, zey know…

GEORGE
But now what?! Now what?!

AMERICORN
They know about the robots, and now the axe! And now they’re coming here with that Jap to take it!

BELGIAN-FLAGGED GUY
No point anymore, then, is there? She’d have stolen it from us anyway. Now she has help. And they could bring the law to us.

BRUCE
Is Sergei still working on it?

HERR KLAUSNER
Ja, ja obviously he does not know about ze problem mit ze geist and ze heroes now coming for us. Vell, Bruce? I don’t suppose you have any other ideas?

BRUCE
Actually… one or two.

HERR KLAUSNER (brightening)
Really?

GEORGE
E gods man!

BRUCE
Shut up, George. Well, it’ll be difficult, but I think there might be a few cards left we can play. Firstly, our best hope to keep the axe and carry on until it activates is to evacuate.

GEORGE
Really? But this building is –

BRUCE (wearily)
Not the building, George, the country. I think we should begin transfer to our Swiss headquarters.

HERR KLAUSNER
Ja, practical, I like ze plan…

The SWISS-FLAGGED MAN stands up.

SWISS GUY
I shall begin at once!

He leaves.

AMERICORN
But that’ll take time, and they’re on their way now!

BRUCE (irritably)
Yes, Johnson, that’s why I said I had more than one idea. Now, the way I see it, the Yūrei is the bigger problem. The Scribblers are bound by laws, which she isn’t.

HERR KLAUSNER
So?

BRUCE
So – and I warn you now, this is going to be risky – I think we need to pre-empt them and bring in the law ourselves.

There is a minor explosion of harrumphing around the table as the men shake fists in the air and shout things like ‘Oh, I say!’ and ‘The law, man? Are you mad?’ and ‘Queensbury rules!’ HERR KLAUSNER is staring at BRUCE. They wait for the noise to drop again.

HERR KLAUSER
Ze law, Bruce?

BRUCE
Yes. Not the police – the Department of Superheroic Affairs. If we report the Yūrei to them, say we have reason to believe she’s a terrorist – well, you know the drill – then they will dispatch a team to try to collect her. She’s internationally wanted, after all.

JOHNSON
But what good -?

BRUCE
She can’t steal the axe under that much scrutiny. Or at least, it’ll be harder and the Scribblers won’t be able to help her.

JOHNSON
Well, then! Why the hell didn’t we call them in before?!

HERR KLAUSNER (dismissively)
Johnson, Johnson, you are not mit ze thinking. Zey are ze law, zis is still risky. Hmm. Vhat zen, Bruce? Zey vill vish to know vhy ve did not call zem sooner. And, of course, ze Scribblers vill still be here.

BRUCE
Well, firstly, sir, we didn’t call in the DSA because we’d already reported to the Scribblers, and as an independent organisation we prefer not to involve governments on moral grounds.

HERR KLAUSNER
Ha ha! Good, good…

BRUCE
And secondly, the Scribblers, legally speaking, have nothing. Only the word of an internationally wanted terrorist and a disgruntled employee angry at not being promoted.

GEORGE
Good heavens, was he really -?

BRUCE
He was now. There’s no concrete evidence, is my point. The only real risk to us from that quarter is the empath.

There is a pause as they all think it over.

HERR KLAUSER
Very vell. Ze axe is so close to activating, ve only need to keep it safe for a very short time now anyvay. Make ze call, Bruce! And prepare to evacuate, gentlemen. And in ze meantime; ve vill prepare security, Jurgen, prepare ze security…

Scene the Next. Outside SCEPTRE Headquarters. Our view is on a small copse of trees, swaying peacefully in the breeze. After a moment, a happy little blue tit flutters down to them, and promptly disappears into thin air.

SHIFT(‘s voice)
The easy plan is out. They’ve moved the axe from that room.

CHRONAL(‘s voice)
Then the fun plan is in! We infiltrate!

AMITY(‘s voice)
Yay!

SHIFT(‘s voice)
Also there is suddenly an indecent amount of goons.

LYRIC(‘s voice)
Well, that was expected.

CHRONAL(‘s voice)
Any of them women?

SHIFT(‘s voice)
No, I’m afraid.

CHRONAL(‘s voice)
Also expected.

YŪREI(‘s voice)
Did you see where they took the axe?

SHIFT(‘s voice)
No, but there are more robots, too.

WRAITH(‘s voice)
Epic fail.

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Right. Wraith, you take the robots –

WRAITH(‘s voice)
What? Fail! No, robots bad robots bad robots bad…

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Well, I didn’t mean directly.

WRAITH(‘s voice)
I can’t fight robots you gypsy!

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Silence or I’m inviting your mother to dinner.

WRAITH(‘s voice)
Baps.

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Robot armies mean a master control panel somewhere to relay orders and prevent vicious mecha mutinies. Find it, disable them.

YŪREI(‘s voice)
May I have it?

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Yeah, why not?

YŪREI(‘s voice)
My thanks. Then I shall go with Gaijin.

WRAITH(‘s voice)
Wins.

AMITY(‘s voice)
Ooh, that sounds like fun! Can I help?

FINESSE(‘s voice)
No. You, Shift and Lyric are looking for the axe.

SHIFT(‘s voice)
Ah. The fun plan, yes. While you and Chronal head for their computers for evidence of criminal dealings.

CHRONAL(‘s voice)
I’m ever so looking forward!

AMITY(‘s voice)
Can there be a prize for whoever finds the axe first?

SHIFT(‘s voice)
A deep sense of satisfaction and triumph.

AMITY(‘s voice)
Oh. Well, I suppose that’s acceptable, but I have to say I really wanted something a bit more material.

LYRIC(‘s voice)
Or a game.

AMITY(‘s voice)
Yes! You see? Lyric and I both want there to be a game if –

LYRIC(‘s voice)
I really don’t. I was talking about you.

AMITY(‘s voice)
Um… It’s my birthday?

YŪREI(‘s voice)
Ah. She has defeated you, my friends.

SHIFT(‘s voice)
Fake Bear Alphabet. You’ll love it.

AMITY(‘s voice)
Hooray!

LYRIC(‘s voice)
If I find it I don’t want that.

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Noted. Let’s go, children.

There is a pause, and then they all become visible except WRAITH and YŪREI, moving stealthily into the building in various ways. SHIFT flies up to the roof as a blue tit, LYRIC scales a drainpipe and climbs suavely into a second storey window; the others wander over to a door where the guards suddenly burst into tears and run away from AMITY. They step inside.

Inside, FINESSE touches a hand to her ear.

FINESSE
Everyone on comm?

LYRIC(‘s voice)
Yep.

SHIFT(‘s voice)
Indeedy.

WRAITH(‘s voice)
No. Lolz.

CHRONAL
I think he’s lying.

AMITY
Ha!

FINESSE
We cannot possibly be paying you enough. Alright – Scribblers are go.

LYRIC(‘s voice)
F.A.B.

Scene the Next. Top Floor. SHIFT enters what turns out to be a hangar, a series of sophisticated transport aircraft lined up and being fuelled while GRUNTS run about organising packing crates. She hides behind a few.

SHIFT (quietly)
We’ve got aircraft and a lot of activity on the roof, which probably opens. I imagine they’re getting ready to leave.

FINESSE(‘s voice)
Hmm. I wonder where?

SHIFT
One second.

She walks out from her hiding place, and cups her hands around her mouth.

SHIFT (shouting)
Hey! Grunts! Where are you all relocating to?

GRUNT#1
Argh! A Scribbler! They’re here!

GRUNT#2
Fetch security! Fetch the security!

SHIFT
Huh. Really thought that would work. I always just obey when people shout at me.

The GRUNTS run away, and ROBOTS burst in! Oh noes!

SHIFT
Wraith? I’ve got robots. Hurry up.

WRAITH(‘s voice)
Will do. Chink has a scanner thing we’re following.

The robots attack, and SHIFT turns into a rhino and stampedes forward. The first is crushed, the second heavily dented, but the third simply bounces off her. The fourth raises a pimped out rhino-proof fist, ready to strike –

-and as its arm falls SHIFT becomes a swallow and swerves left, missing it. She morphs into an anaconda above them and wraps around three at once, crushing two before the third suddenly solidifies, resistant; two more grab her and she becomes an electric eel and short-circuits them before becoming a shire horse and back kicking another two away.

Scene the Meanwhile. CHRONAL and FINESSE zip into a room full of computers and monitors and things, and knock out the three people who were working there. CHRONAL drops into a seat, and starts typing on a computer while FINESSE pulls an access card off one of the passed-out SCEPTRE workers.

CHRONAL
Right! Time to fight their firewalls!

FINESSE
You need a cyber-siege weapon.

CHRONAL
Like a ballista?

FINESSE
Have you been reading my Roman warfare books?

CHRONAL
Yes! Now I know why you giggle at the word ‘ballistic’ in certain contexts.

FINESSE
It’s true. I do.

CHRONAL
Hmm. This encryption is tough.

FINESSE
Problematically so?

CHRONAL
I’m not sure yet. I don’t think so.

FINESSE
Smite it.

CHRONAL
Mightily!

FINESSE
Good boy. Make sure you – wait.

She turns to the door, tensing up, and then blurs; suddenly, the unconscious people are neatly lying to the side in the recovery position, and she starts pushing chairs and desks to follow.

CHRONAL (without looking up)
What is it?

FINESSE
Someone extremely big, powerful and fast who is impervious to all force unless their equilibrium or aura is disrupted by metal.

CHRONAL
Got it sorted?

FINESSE
Oh yeah. How are you doing?

CHRONAL
I think I need to work at five computers at once to break this. Do you need my powers?

FINESSE
Who needs powers when you have a secret mecha leg?

Suddenly, the door is thrown back off its hinges, and an ENORMOUS OX MAN, seven feet tall and massively muscled, appears in it grinning. He steps into the room, seeing FINESSE, and steps menacingly towards her.

ENORMOUS OX MAN
Alright there, darlin’?

CHRONAL (outraged)
Did he just - ?

FINESSE
Yes. Just focus on that code, I’ll handle the important social lesson.

CHRONAL
God I hate these –

He blurs away, and becomes a long CHRONAL-coloured streak between all of the monitors in the room. FINESSE smiles at the ENORMOUS OX MAN as he leers at her.

FINESSE
Sorry, where were we -? Oh yes. Yes, I’m alright, thank you. Do you have a cheesy codename?

ENORMOUS OX MAN
Nothin’ official, love. But people who know me call me… The Gravedigger!!!

FINESSE
It’s a pleasure, Mr Digger. Are you here to fight me?

GRAVEDIGGER
It’s nothin’ personal, love. But, seein’ as you’re a lady, I’ll try to make it qui-

He is cut off as FINESSE suddenly springs forward and high-kicks him in the chin with her right leg, snapping his head up and throwing him back against the wall in shock. She lands in a three-point crouch, grinning.

FINESSE
I do hope that’s not your philosophy in every aspect of your life.

GRAVEDIGGER
You – you hurt me, you skank!

FINESSE
Yeah. You ain’t all that, mate.

With a bellow of rage, he lunges at her again.

Scene the Meanwhile. LYRIC is in a corridor, surrounded by fallen GOONS. He knocks the last one out and pushes open a door to the right –

HERR KLAUSNER and SERGEI are standing in a disused meeting room, carefully transferring the axe into a box to transport it. Both flinch and look up in horror as the door slams open, but when LYRIC steps through SERGEI relaxes. HERR KLAUSNER watches him, his grip on the axe tight.

SERGEI
Ah! Lyric, da, ve are so glad to see you –

LYRIC
Amity? Did you say the Russian scientist was clean?

SERGEI
Er… da, I bathe most –

AMITY (on comm)
Yes, he’s lovely.

LYRIC
Cheers. Right. Step away from the axe, Herr Klausner.

HERR KLAUSNER
Ah, nein, my friend. I cannot.

SERGEI
But… vhy? Vhy are you taking axe, I don’t - ?

LYRIC
Because, bad news - you work with a pack of twats.

SERGEI
Vell, da, I know, but –

LYRIC
Oh. Well, a pack of evil twats. Sorry, should have been clearer.

SERGEI
But – nyet, they chave only-

LYRIC
They want to use the axe to remake the world into a giant right-wing gentlemen’s club with women, gays and possibly blacks as second-class citizens.

(pause)

And probably working-class citizens as second-class citizens, come to think.

SERGEI
Vhat? But –

HERR KLAUSNER
Ah, Sergei, enough, enough. Ze man hass clearly been talking to ze Geist. Go! Fetch ze security. I vill finish here mit ze axe.

LYRIC
I refuse to believe you don’t know the English word for ‘with’, you offensive cliché.

SERGEI
But equipment needs careful chandling, I must stay and oversee...

HERR KLAUSNER picks up the axe out of its case. LYRIC tenses up, looking menacing and cool.

LYRIC
Put down that axe.

HERR KLAUSNER
Nein, Scribbler.

SERGEI
Er – gentlemen…?

LYRIC
Oh, I will make you if I must. You gave me a shit boy-bitch. And I bet number three was no better.

SERGEI
Herr Klausner, please, you are damaging equipment!

And HERR KLAUSNER is pulling the monitoring wires off the axe, gripping it tightly and watching LYRIC.

HERR KLAUSNER
Leave, Sergei, if you vish to remain unharmed, run run run.

LYRIC
Do it. He’s not interested in your safety.

SERGEI whimpers as HERR KLAUSNER finally finishes and shoves the axe case roughly away, sending it tumbling to the floor. He backs away. HERR KLAUSNER hefts the axe, and grins.

HERR KLAUSNER
You see, Scribbler? You see! Very foolish! You haff come to fight vhen I hold ze most powerful fighting artefact known! How can you possibly - ?

LYRIC
Know how to use it?

And he leaps at HERR KLAUSNER, Ystradebol forming in his hands and swinging down in an arc to be met with a clang by the axe, which expertly parries –

HERR KLAUSNER
Ja, Scribbler. I know.

LYRIC
Fucking A.

Scene the Meanwhile. In the computer room. FINESSE and THE GRAVEDIGGER are still fighting, CHRONAL is still working.

CHRONAL
Hooray! I'm in! I am so cool.

FINESSE
Yes, you are.

He blurs away again. THE GRAVEDIGGER charges at FINESSE, who leaps sideways and rolls, sticking out her right leg; he trips over it and lands heavily. They both leap up again at the same time, but she kicks him in the stomach - as he doubles over she knees him in the face. He swings a massive arm at her wildly, which she only just dodges in time, and then hooks her leg around the back of his knees and punches him in the face, toppling him.

Meanwhile, in CHRONAL'S point of view, 'Mr Blue Sky' by ELO is playing out of a sixth computer in the corner, on which Twitter is open on the home page of 'TheRealChronal'. The status has been updated to 'Gentlemen's Clubs are evil and a disgrace to men everywhere. Do not like.' He is typing on another computer, frowning slightly.

CHRONAL
Off-shore, eh? You are clever.

He looks across at another screen, and then back to his.

CHRONAL
Very clever. You've even registered that as a charity.

He pauses, and then smiles, not looking around.

CHRONAL
Honestly, little one. You said you didn't need my powers.

FINESSE
Eh, plans change. Missed you. Good song choice, by the way.

CHRONAL
Thank you.

FINESSE
How's it going at your end?

CHRONAL
You remember when I said it was a tough encryption?

FINESSE
Ah.

CHRONAL
It's even tougher inside. I've only just started, really, but so far I've not found a single thing SCEPTRE could be held accountable for. Every receipt is paid, every scrap of tax, their front organisations are registered charities - and ones that do actual good, too.

FINESSE
Check the phone bill. That's always how you uncover goings-on.

CHRONAL
Good idea! I'll give it a go.

FINESSE
Cracking. Could you throw me that spanner?

CHRONAL (pretending to sulk)
Oh, fine! God you're demanding. I'm trying to - oh.

He turns, spanner in hand, and sees that she is pinned to the floor under THE GRAVEDIGGER, who is inches away from landing on her with considerable force with his fingers wrapped around her throat. CHRONAL hands her the spanner.

CHRONAL
Need a hand?

FINESSE
Nah. I'm about to knee him in the balls.

CHRONAL
Good.

She begins swinging the spanner at THE GRAVEDIGGER's head while still in No-Time and starts returning to the present half-way through the swing. When she looks stationary to CHRONAL again the spanner is touching THE GRAVEDIGGER's temple, and his eyes are just starting to widen. CHRONAL smiles, and turns back to his computer.

CHRONAL
Right. The phone bill.

He types for a few moments, looks at the screen, and then jumps back to real time. Behind him, THE GRAVEDIGGER screams and then curls up, whimpering, as FINESSE stands.

FINESSE
And that's the closest he's ever been to a real live woman.

CHRONAL (into the comm)
Wraith? They called the DSA. They're coming for the Yūrei.



Scene the Meanwhile. WRAITH and YŪREI are standing in a room filled with electronics and GOONS. WRAITH is standing to one side, watching YŪREI fighting them all single-handedly with her samurai swords and occasionally drifting on air, like in Japanese kung-fu movies. He himself is moving from electrical equipment to electrical equipment, checking each to see what they are.

WRAITH
They called the DSA? Rebasses.

CHRONAL (on comm)
You'd think, but no. Their ETA is a minute and a half, and they're coming armed with as much technological might as they can bring.

WRAITH
Nads. But can't we just - ?

CHRONAL (on comm)
Whatever you're thinking, no. She's a wanted criminal in seventeen countries, regardless of our opinion of her. They can't know we've even smiled at her.

AMITY (on comm)
I don't think Wraith has smiled at her.

CHRONAL (on comm)
Tell her fast. They're closing in, and she has to go.

WRAITH
Yeah. Hey, Chink!

The last GOON falls, and YŪREI looks up, calmly resheathing her swords.

YŪREI
Gaijin?

WRAITH
A squad of losers with loads of scanners and that are coming for you. They'll be about -

CHRONAL (on comm)
One minute and fourteen seconds.

WRAITH
A minute and fourteen seconds, or something.

YŪREI
Then I must go. Thank you, Chronal.

WRAITH
Hey!

CHRONAL (on comm)
S'alright.

WRAITH
Loses. I think this is it, btw.

He points to a large panel on the wall, and makes it invisible. Inside, a smaller device with wires leading off it sits, thrumming with power. YŪREI smiles, and draws a sword.

YŪREI
I believe you are right, Gaijin. Stand back.

She swings the sword and the blade slices straight into the machine, carefully removing the inner core.

YŪREI
It will adapt beautifully to a gauntlet, I think. And then I can also punch with it.

WRAITH
Multi-function. Crumbly... but, good.

Scene the Meanwhile. FINESSE has handcuffed THE GRAVEDIGGER to a pillar with the spanner strapped to his chest. CHRONAL is typing furiously on the computers.

FINESSE
Good luck, Yūrei. Amity? Sit-rep?

AMITY (on comm)
Ooh, okay! Well, um, they're moving to Switzerland, eight of them have decided to go home and rethink their lives, Shift is in a vaguely euphoric post-fight place, Chronal really hates someone you're in the room with, Wraith is... um, fine, and I'm worried about Lyric.

SHIFT (on comm)
We all are.

FINESSE
True, but why right now specifically?

AMITY (on comm)
Because I'm relatively sure he's in a really heavy fight and he won't answer the comm.

Cut to -

Scene the Other. LYRIC is swordfighting like an absolute bad-ass, all swishy and cool and suave, against HERR KLAUSNER and the axe.

Cut back to -

FINESSE
Okay, you and -

CHRONAL
Right. We have an actual problem.

(beat)

No! I didn't mean it that way! I care about Lyric too!

FINESSE
No one's fooled.

AMITY (on comm)
I'm fooled.

FINESSE
Only Amity is fooled.

CHRONAL
There's no evidence, guys. There's only minor things and they all point exclusively to Herr Klausner, and there is nothing else.

FINESSE
What, at all?

CHRONAL
At all. Whoever SCEPTRE have, whoever manages their accounts and controls the admin...

Scene the Next. BRUCE is standing in the entrance hall, watching as the DSA people arrive in full gear, all black body armour and completely covered.

CHRONAL (v/o)
They're a genius.

BRUCE
Gentlemen -

He pauses, and sneers slightly.

BRUCE
And possibly ladies. Welcome to SCEPTRE, and thank you for coming. She's somewhere in the building.

DSA TEAM LEADER
Thanks for the call. We've set up a perimeter around the building, including the airspace above you, and we have eight teams here to infiltrate. Can you warn your men?

BRUCE
I already have. The Scribblers may be here somewhere, though.

DSA TEAM LEADER
Really? Good. We'll try to contact them.

He raises a communicator.

DSA TEAM LEADER
All units be advised, the Scribblers are in the building. Repeat: the Scribblers are in the building. Move in.

They run past BRUCE, who watches them enter and then takes out a communicator of his own.

BRUCE (quietly)
All units: avoid the Scribblers. Disengage. Except the empath. If you see her, take her out.

Scene the Next, back with FINESSE and CHRONAL.

FINESSE
Dammit. Right; Shift, you and I need to go and be diplomatic and grab a DSA person before anyone from SCEPTRE can talk to them too much. Amity, get to Lyric, find out what's going on. Where is he?

AMITY (on comm)
Above me. I'll triangulate and let you know properly. I don't think he's too bad yet, but it's pretty intense, whatever's going on.

FINESSE
Let Wraith know. Shift?

SHIFT (on comm)
On my way.

FINESSE
Chronal?

CHRONAL
I have just had the best idea!

FINESSE
Well, he's happy. Wraith, I want the Yūrei safely out of here and away.

WRAITH (on comm)
Yeah, on it. She has tricks, son.

FINESSE
She may need them.

Scene the Upstairs. AMITY is standing with her back to the wall in the corridor, her eyes closed and frowning slightly as though trying to hear a faint sound. She stays that way for a moment, ignoring the herd of GOONS who suddenly run past screaming while pursued by a leopard!SHIFT, and then blinks a few times before turning and hurrying down the corridor.

At the end is a door, which she steps through. Inside is what looks like a goon canteen, empty and deserted with other doors around it. AMITY moves to the middle and stops, concentrating again -

- and so doesn't see the squad of GOONS who quietly enter the room behind her. One grins, and pulls out a depowerer, and aims it at her -







FINESSE (on comm)
Hey. Welcome back.

AMITY
Thank you.

(beat)

Wait, how did you know I was... gone?

FINESSE (on comm)
Ah, young one. My power is your power. I can feel it when you're in touch.

AMITY
Really? Is it really obvious?

FINESSE (on comm)
It's a bit like a ticking clock. You don't even notice it's there until it stops.

AMITY
Oh, that's so lovely! Although, hang on. If you knew I'd been depowered why didn't you come to help?

FINESSE (on comm)
I'm sorry, did you really need it?

AMITY looks back at the prone carpet of GOONS.

AMITY
Hmm. It seems not.

FINESSE (on comm)
Quite. Now - Lyric?

AMITY
Ooh - on my way!

She springs lightly over a GOON and leaves. In the room behind her, another GOON groans, and falls off his chair.

Scene the Next. Look, author swap! The reader at home can enjoy noting the change in formatting and tone, if any. YŪREI preparing to leave, WRAITH watching.

WRAITH
Bye, loser.

YŪREI
Goodbye, Gaijin. Thank you for your help and your acceptance. I hope one day I can return the favour.

WRAITH
You could do some washing up, if you like.

YŪREI
Gaijin, I oppose men such as those in this building because they would have me give up my artefact-hunting adventures for such chores as washing up.

WRAITH
No, that wasn't a sexist thing! I was joking!

YŪREI
So was I. Maybe my humour is too sophisticated for you.

WRAITH
Baps.

YŪREI
Goodbye.
(beat)
Goodbye, Wraith.

And she jumps through a window! Shattering the glass.

Falling towards the ground -

- caught by one of the RED SAMURAI ROBOTS -

- part of an ARMY of robots -

- marching away from the building.

Yūrei is released, and controls the robots with the stolen mechanism.

WRAITH
I hope we don't regret giving her those.

Scene the Next. BRUCE leads the DSA SOLDIERS into the computer room. GEORGE is already there, frantically typing.

BRUCE
George?

GEORGE
I don't know what he's done! He's capped our salaries! He's made it impossible for us to earn more than 70% of our annual wages!

BRUCE
What? Who?

GEORGE
The ponce - the long-haired girly with the time travel gimmick! He's hardwired it into all our systems!

BRUCE
But why? With everything going on, why would he do that?!

Scene the Next. FINESSE and CHRONAL meet from opposite ends of a corridor.

CHRONAL
Okay, I'm done!

FINESSE
What did you do?

CHRONAL
Operation: Glass Ceiling is complete.

Scene the Next. BRUCE and the DSA SOLDIERS enter the robot control room.

BRUCE (muttering)
Women's wages! He gave us women's wages! Oh, when the revolution comes, he'll be first against the wall...

DSA GRUNT
This mess - was it like this before?

BRUCE
Was it - No, it wasn't like this before! This isn't how we keep it, you moron! What are we paying you government puppets? God, you need privatising.

He sees the broken window.

BRUCE (bitterly)
Well, she's gone then, hasn't she?

A FLY becomes SHIFT and WRAITH fades into view.

WRAITH
Change of plan.

SHIFT
Would anyone like the gossip on the real bad guys?

Scene the Next. Back with LYRIC and HERR KLAUSNER. They're still fighting, all swishy and flashy and suave. By now, most of the ambient furniture in the room is in pieces.

LYRIC
You know what the best thing about sword fights is?

HERR KLAUSNER
Alvays mit ze banter!

LYRIC
Then I'll tell you.

Suddenly,he thrusts forward!

Herr Klausner trips and lands on his face.

LYRIC
It's that I win.

But Klausner swing with the axe -

- and Lyric jumps to avoid him -

- giving Klausner time to jump back up -

- and swing again -

- deflected by the sword.

LYRIC
And banter's good.

Dodge!

Swing!

LYRIC
Because if I'm always talking, you won't expect it when I fishing net!

HERR KLAUSNER
Vha-

A FISHING NET weaves itself around Herr Klausner -

- who tries fighting it off -

- and Lyric hooks his sword under the axe-head -

- and hurls it across the room.

LYRIC
Right, just one thing -

He looks into the CCTV.

LYRIC
Chrone, if you're watching this, can you e-mail me a copy of the security tape? That wasn't half bad, that fight.

The doors open, and WRAITH and SHIFT lead BRUCE and the DSA SOLDIERS into the room.

BRUCE
Ah, good, you've got him.

He crosses the room to Klausner.

Whispers in his ear.

BRUCE (whisper)
It's over, sir. The work has to continue. I'm invoking Protocol Thirty-five.

The regret in Klausner's eyes.

His shoulders fall in resignation.

He puts a hand to his face.

Then slowly, he gets up.

Stands.

HERR KLAUSNER
You have caught me. And I know vhat zis means. Zere is too much evidence here - I vill not deny it. I have abused all that S.C.E.P.T.R.E stands for.

LYRIC (mutters)
Doesn't stand for anything, it's a fake acronym ...

BRUCE
I caught him out, you see. Called the Scribblers - just a shame it happened the same day a terrorist attacked our building.

SHIFT (sarcastically)
Yes, that is bad timing.

WRAITH
Dude, you're all evil. Except that Sergei guy, he was okay.

AMITY enters.

AMITY
Wow, tense room. Mmm, lovely tension. Lovely feelings.

LYRIC
They're pretending to be good, Amity. Tell them they're not.

AMITY
What? Oh, yeah, they're totally evil. Except Sergei. I liked him. He reads a lot.

BRUCE
We aren't evil! Lies like this, my dear, is why your mind-reading wouldn't hold up in court.

CHRONAL and FINESSE enter.

BRUCE
Thank you for your help, gentlemen of the DSA. Do take this criminal away, and I shall begin the process of rebuilding S.C.E.P.T.R.E. in my own, less criminal, image.

CHRONAL
That is the worst of news.

The Scribblers regroup.

The DSA lead Herr Klausner away.

Bruce picks up the axe with admiration.

Scene the Next. Walking down from the Trans-Jet bay into the Pit.

CHRONAL
Well, that was a rubbish day.

FINESSE
At least Herr Klausner's been arrested.

LYRIC
Yeah, but under Bruce, SCEPTRE's likely to be even worse.

AMITY
Maybe - but they don't have robots now.

SHIFT
They still have the axe.

CHRONAL
It's a complicated ending, to be sure.

AMITY
Doesn't feel like anyone got much out of it.

FINESSE
Well, it's a job. Sometimes you have a crap day at work. Anyway, it's time for us to celebrate Amity's birthday! Hey, Amity, go in first.

AMITY
Ooh, okay! Exciting!

She steps forward, beaming and pushes open the door into the main living area -

- and steps into a jungle. Plants and trees are everywhere, forming a maze of vegetation, with vines and creepers and such hanging from branches and the unseen ceiling. Exotic tropical birds fly about, and sing in the branches. A tree moves and something monkey-shaped disappears into the foliage. A 4 metre python slithers past.

AMITY steps inside, agape. The others follow.

SCRIBBLERS
Surprise!

AMITY
Oh my god!

CHRONAL
Do you like it? I so hope you like it...

AMITY
Oh my god!!! You made me a jungle?!?!

FINESSE
Well, no -

There is a rustle in the undergrowth and KAYLEIGH leaps out, brandishing a spear.

KAYLEIGH
Ha! There you - ! Oh, hey, plantos.

FINESSE
- she did.

LYRIC
And the animals are Shift's.

SHIFT
Well, they're old friends who fancied a bit of a change of scenery from the zoo.

AMITY
Oh my god!!!

KAYLEIGH
Yeah, although your tiger friend has tried to eat three monkeys and a Kayleigh.

SHIFT (darkly)
Has he now?

She transforms into a tiger and roars, long and loud. There is a pause, and then an answering, slightly abashed roar is heard somewhere near the kitchen. SHIFT transforms back.

SHIFT
He says sorry. I shan't bring him again, though. Can't take him anywhere.

WRAITH
Who? Lyric? Ha ha!

CHRONAL
To be fair, we probably shouldn't take Lyric places.

SHIFT
He picks entirely the wrong boy-bitch.

LYRIC
Hey! Three would totally have been worse.

KAYLEIGH
Ooh, you had a boy-bitch today?

AMITY
Oh my god you guys made me a jungle this is the best birthday ever!!!!!

FINESSE
Let's all go and get drunk.

WRAITH
To the embassy...

They all go and find a clearing, in which LYRIC sets up tents and a fire, and proceed to have a jolly good time filled with games and good humour.

They're just finishing a round of the Party Game when POST-MAN teleports into the room.

POST-MAN
Letter for Wraith.

SHIFT
... It's six in the evening!

POST-MAN
Instant delivery. It's my latest service! It's horrible. I have to get up at all hours. But I'm a single father with three children.

KAYLEIGH
You're making us uncomfortable, Post-Man. Please leave.

Post-Man leaves.

Wraith takes the letter and opens it.

It's an e-mail address.

"yurei74102@gmail.com"

Wraith smiles.

Scene the Next. The scene at the end of the credits that you waited to see, even though most people left the cinema because they thought it was over.

BRUCE is in a sealed room, alone, with the AXE on a table.

BRUCE
You've failed me again, Sergei. But no matter. One day, this axe will activate. And I will be waiting. Yes. One day, I will have my weapon, and I, Bruce, will rule the world! Ha! Hahaha! Mwahahahahahaha!

Pfft!

A dart hits him in the neck.

BRUCE
God, that's, ouch.

He falls forward to the table, eyes wide and unseeing, and breathes no more on account of being a dead, and in teleports a NINJA -

- who drops to the table -

- and lifts the axe.

The ninja examines it.

Close-up on the ninja's face, which is mostly covered. But uncovered - we can see silver skin.

Teleports out, with the axe.