Scribblers
"Pinch, Punch"
by Steffan Alun
1 EXT. BATTLE FIELD - Night. 0415.
FINESSE, LYRIC and WRAITH are walking slowly through a wide, open field, on their guard.
FINESSE (v/o)
Most fights are spur-of-the-moment things. Catch a villain robbing a bank or planting bombs, punch villain until unconscious. The hero tries to find the most secluded spot possible while the villain tries to involve passers-by as hostages, shields, weapons, and the like.
WRAITH
It's dark.
FINESSE
It's four in the morning.
FINESSE (v/o)
The industry's nice like that. Not many jobs offer such a clear divide between good guys and bad guys. It's nice.
WRAITH
What's the point in being invisible if people can't see me anyway?
FINESSE
If we really need light, we can get Lyric to make us some floodlights.
LYRIC
I can't make floodlights!
FINESSE
Torches?
LYRIC
I can make torches. I learnt torches long ago.
WRAITH
For playing X-Files.
FINESSE (v/o)
Sometimes, however, villains want a more organised fight. Heroes will always agree to these. Anything that keeps the violence away from the general public.
LYRIC
How long do you think this'll take?
FINESSE
I'm hoping to be done by seven. Police reckon Toxic and the Living Statue to Zeus are having a team-up today.
WRAITH
Lame. Can't we get Chronal and Amity to take them? Freeze them and make them cry.
FINESSE
That's the plan. We'll join them later if we can.
FINESSE (v/o)
To accommodate these fights, the council donated a wide area of land for fights like these. Appropriately enough, it's known as Battle Field.
LYRIC
I don't like the uncertainty here. Who was it who wanted this duel?
FINESSE
Dagger Man. We fought him a couple of years ago.
WRAITH
I don't remember this.
FINESSE
He stabbed Chronal in the hand.
LYRIC
What? Why doesn't this ring a bell?
FINESSE
Dagger Man was painfully boring. Chronal doesn't even have his scar since you made him new hands.
LYRIC
So, why would someone so rubbish take on three superheroes at once?
CUT TO:
2 INT. NIOBE'S HQ - Night. 1215.
A beautiful hall with Greek architecture and decorations. NIOBE, wearing a black chiton and many colourful items of jewellry. DAGGER MAN is led in by guards - two male, two female - also in Greek dress.
Caption: Three Hours Earlier
NIOBE
Thank you, Niobids. Leave us.
The gards walk out.
DAGGER MAN
Great Niobe, do you have what I asked for?
NIOBE
Of course I do. I own everything. Have you got the money?
DAGGER MAN
Ten thousand pounds in cash. One of your guards have it.
NIOBE
Guard's an ugly word. But I'll forgive you. Mostly because you've given me ten thousand pounds.
DAGGER MAN
And you're sure the product can take out the Scribblers?
NIOBE
I'm absolutely certain.
DAGGER MAN
Excellent.
NIOBE
One thing. It doesn't work on anyone who wear green costumes, so you might need to make that part of the deal.
CUT TO:
3 EXT. BATTLE FIELD - Night. 0420.
As Finesse, Lyric and Wraith keep walking, a BAT flies towards them, transforming into SHIFT.
SHIFT
Can't stay as a bat much longer. Getting hungry.
LYRIC
Can I make you anything?
SHIFT
That'd be nice.
Lyric mutters under his breath, and a bar of chocolate forms in his hands, complete with wrapper. He hands it to Shift.
SHIFT
Thanks.
FINESSE
We're having words about excess packaging later.
LYRIC
It's bio-degradable!
FINESSE
So's your face.
LYRIC
Well, yes.
Suddenly, there's a huge crash as something heavy lands in front of them. It's DAGGER MAN, wearing additional limbs - like Doctor Octopus's arms, but all ending with attachments; a boxing glove, an electric whisk, a pair of scissors and a garlick crusher.
DAGGER MAN
Scribblers! Fear me now!
SHIFT
What in the name of God are you wearing, Dagger Man?
DAGGER MAN
Your destiny!
The boxing glove swings towards Shift -
- Finesse holds her hand towards her -
- and she becomes a rhinoceros, the glove bouncing harmlessly off her.
WRAITH
Hey, mate. You've lost the garlick crusher one.
Dagger Man looks at his arms to see that the garlick crusher arm is missing.
DAGGER MAN
Never mind! It wasn't that important anyway.
He suddenly trips.
On the ground, the garlick crusher arm fades into view, tangling Dagger Man's legs.
WRAITH
Gets in the way if you don't know where it is, though.
LYRIC
Look, I'm sure you worked very hard on your suit, but it's really crap. Really crap.
Dagger Man stands up, and the whisk attachment starts whirring. Shift transforms back into human.
DAGGER MAN
This suit is state of the art.
SHIFT
Party shops sell better than this thing. Is that whisk sellotaped on?
The whisk arm shoots towards Finesse -
- and she grabs it in mid-air. It twitches in her hand, trying to get free.
FINESSE
Surely you should have a dagger attachment. Otherwise, why are you called Dagger Man?
LYRIC
I'm pretty sure Crap Man isn't taken.
SHIFT
If you add a corkscrew and a tin opener, you could be Swiss Army Man!
WRAITH
Good one.
SHIFT
Thanks.
DAGGER MAN
Stop -
He yanks the whisk arm away from Finesse.
DAGGER MAN
- mocking -
All four arms are raised high. Lyric starts muttering.
DAGGER MAN
- ME!
All four arms aim at different Scribblers -
- and a fire extinguisher materialises in Lyric's hand, devoid of labels.
LYRIC
Bet it's not waterproof.
He sprays the suit with water. Sparks and steam emanate from arms.
DAGGER MAN
No! This cost ten thousand pounds!
FINESSE
Oh, wow. They saw you coming.
SHIFT
Want us to get you out of it before it explodes?
DAGGER MAN
Yes! Yes!
The Scribblers advance towards him -
CUT TO:
4 INT. DINAS PRISON - Day. 1000.
- and the door is closed on Dagger Man's cell. FINESSE, LYRIC, SHIFT, and WRAITH stand outside with a POLICEMAN.
POLICEMAN
Thanks, Scribblers. We've got plenty to do today without this nutter running around.
WRAITH
Glad to help.
A bleep, and Finesse checks her PDA.
FINESSE
It's Chronal. The Living Statue to Zeus has been spotted in the mountains.
SHIFT
We'd better get going. Best not take the Trans-Jet if Zeusy's around.
LYRIC
I'll make us some bikes.
They exit, and the Policeman reaches for a mobile phone. He opens Dagger Man's hatch.
POLICEMAN
You get one phone call.
CUT TO:
5 INT. DAGGER MAN'S CELL - Day. 1005.
A bare room with a small, barred window. DAGGER MAN takes the phone and dials.
DAGGER MAN
Niobe! What was wrong with this suit?
INTERCUT WITH:
6 INT. NIOBE'S HQ - Day. 1005.
Various NIOBIDS are serving NIOBE, who's reclining on a sofa.
NIOBE
Sorry, which suit?
DAGGER MAN
The one you sold me! It didn't work!
NIOBE
I don't follow.
DAGGER MAN
You said it could take out the Scribblers! You said I'd be undefeatable without it!
NIOBE
I didn't mean it! God, sorry, did you actually take them on? Ah, well. April Fool.
Dagger Man hangs up, puts his head against the wall in despair. A huge STONE FACE appears in the window.
LIVING STATUE TO ZEUS
'Scuse me. Do you know where the nearest primary school is?
DAGGER MAN
By the river.
LIVING STATUE TO ZEUS
Thanks!
He stomps away, as Dagger Man cries.
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4 comments:
Absolutely brilliant! Best bit of Scribbler banter in a fight scene yet; I was actually genuinely giggling through all of that. Out loud. Like a mentalist. I was going to quote my favourite bits, but I realised I'd basically just be copying and pasting the whole thing sans about three lines, so screw it. I will, however, list a few brief summarised favourite bits:
1. Battle Field! Love. So much love.
2. Oh, Niobe, you've lost some weight! (Pause. Tumbleweed rolls by. No one understands the nerdy classics joke.) Ahem.
3. Living Statue to Zeus!!
4. Dagger Man. Just... Dagger Man. He's my favourite villain at the moment. Of anything.
5. Finesse simply catching the whisk hand. No powers, he's just that shit. She can catch his weapon. Oh, the mirth.
I may try and draw this once I've finished Cool Box. Or, well, I say that; once I've finished Cool Box and whichever comic I choose next that features considerably more Amity and Lyric. Then this.
Great banter. Love the pace of these.
Brillo Pads.
Dagger Man is brilliant. I particularly love how haywire his costume is.
Wicked!!! Just found this under other posts! Excellent - thoroughly silly!
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