Scribblers: One-Up Mushroom (Part One)

Scene the First. The Scribbler’s training room. Everyone is practising their powers, SHIFT growing back fingers/skin and suchlike by morphing back and forth with AMITY helping her. FINESSE is practising using CHRONAL’S powers to freeze time around both him and her.

CHRONAL
Okay, try again. Slowly this ti-

He’s cut off as the world freezes around him, showing everyone pulling those unflattering faces invisible to the naked eye that only cameras pick up usually. FINESSE is also frozen.

CHRONAL
Damn.

He unfreezes and everyone moves again, instantly assuming normal facial positions.

FINESSE
What? Again? For serious god, this is worse than trying to beat a Metroid game.

CHRONAL
I’ve beaten a Metroid game.

FINESSE
Yes. And you can control time. There’s a link, look.

WRAITH
Haha! Smellanor did it wrong again.

FINESSE
Shut up, Lames.

She uses her powers to cause LYRIC, who was in the middle of making a door appear and disappear in the wall, to make WRAITH’S trousers disappear. He quickly turns invisible.

WRAITH
I hate you, Smellanor.

AMITY
We should have filmed that! That would have been brilliant.

CHRONAL
I’ll let you work out what’s wrong with that, Amity.

AMITY
Really? What’s -

LYRIC
We don’t have a camera. We spent our government allowance on making the Trans-Jet ecologically friendly.

AMITY
But I have a camera on my phone. (Pause) Oh, and there’s one on my camera!

Everyone turns and looks at her.

FINESSE
You know, you could have saved us all an extra few seconds of life there by leaving out the entirely pointless middle information in that sentence.

AMITY
But-

FINESSE
“I have a camera” would have sufficed.

AMITY
I thought maybe it was a game.

SHIFT suddenly cheers, and raises both hands.

SHIFT
Yes! All ten fingers back!

LYRIC
I love having all ten fingers.

CHRONAL
Me too! It’s great.

Suddenly, a sound suspiciously like a TARDIS sounds across the room, and everyone looks at the police comm.-link. When no one moves, LYRIC sighs and stalks over, looking suave. LYRIC always looks suave.

LYRIC
I’ll get it, guys. Don’t worry. Wouldn’t want you all to strain something.

He picks up the comm.

CHRONAL
I’ll get it.

LYRIC ignores him.

AMITY
Anyway, Shift – are you healed enough to reproduce that message yet?

SHIFT
Nearly, not quite. I think I need my own skin back before I can make superfluous skin.

CHRONAL
Well, don’t rush it. We’d need to be back to fighting strength before we took on Sintaro, anyway.

SHIFT
Thank you. (Pause) I will rush it, though. I want my skin back.

LYRIC comes back over to the group, nearly tripping over WRAITH, who is still invisible and bare-legged like Robin.

LYRIC
Right. There’s some kind of robbery going on down by the docks, one of the electronics warehouses. The police reckon they’ve mostly got it covered, but there may be guns and hostages involved. They’d like a small degree of help.

CHRONAL
Alright, who wants to go and beat up gunmen, children?

Everyone puts up their hand.

CHRONAL
Shift, you’re still growing back skin. You’re staying here and working on that. In fact, Amity had better stay here for that, too.

SHIFT and AMITY put down their hands, looking disappointed.

FINESSE
Excellent! Then I’m definitely going or we’ll look like a sexist organisation.

CHRONAL
But-

FINESSE
I will sue.

CHRONAL
Oh. That would be rubbish. Um… Lyric and Wraith with you, then, and I’ll stay here.

FINESSE
Yes!

LYRIC
Captain Awesome.

WRAITH
I need trousers.

Scene the Next. LYRIC, FINESSE and WRAITH are standing behind a warehouse, looking furtive and cool, and in LYRIC’S case, suave. WRAITH has made two eye-sized balls of invisibility and is using them to look through the wall of the warehouse. Beside him, FINESSE has shamelessly stolen his powers to do the same. LYRIC just stands and looks suave. He has a visor.

WRAITH
They’ve all moved down the other end like losers. We should be okay to go in here.

LYRIC
Doorsarecooldoorsarewickilovedoorstheylooksoslick

A door appears in the wall, like some sort of regency England parlour room door. The Scribblers open it and slip inside, and LYRIC removes it before they continue.

FINESSE
Right. As long as we stay in the middle of the aisles, Wraith should be able to hide us. I think the hostages are down that end.

LYRIC
Lay on, McDuff.

WRAITH makes a big invisibility bubble and they walk down the warehouse toward the gunmen. There are five, and two hostages. There is also lots of big fancy electrical equipment. No one cares about this, however. Another gunman comes in from a back door.

GUNMAN #1
Is that everything? Is it all gone now?

GUNMAN#2
Yeah. I’m telling you, this guy’s good. He got all the gear right past the police and away, it was awesome.

GUNMAN#1
So what do we do with these two? Kill them or let them go?

The Scribblers step out of their invisi-bubble. The gunmen whirl around, guns up.

FINESSE
Don’t answer that. You may incriminate yourselves.

LYRIC mutters something, and all of the guns rust in the men’s hands. The one nearest him swings the weapon at him anyway, and LYRIC goes all terrifying karate ninja on his face (he’s won awards and everything.) Meanwhile, WRAITH and FINESSE go invisible again, and take out three others. LYRIC takes down the last two himself. He’s ‘ard and suave, see.

GUNMAN#2
I was going to say, “Let them go!”

FINESSE
Well see, you say that now. You are currently holding your teeth in your hands, though.

WRAITH
Yeah, good work there. Very anti-toothy.

LYRIC
Thank you.

FINESSE
Hang on…

She drags WRAITH’S invisi-bubble over the two of them – LYRIC is too far away.

SINISTER NEW GUY
Still fighting the good fight, Jomas?

A sinister new guy enters the building through the aforementioned back door. He’s all costumed up in a dark and brooding kind of emo way, like he’s a bad guy because no one understands him. Loser. LYRIC freezes, staring at him; FINESSE tenses up.

FINESSE
(Whispered to WRAITH) He’s got powers.

WRAITH
(Whispered back) I went to art school with people who looked like that.

LYRIC
What the crap are you doing here?

EMO NEW GUY
Ah. New life! I made it myself. Well… mostly myself. It pays rather excellently, though. Do you like my costume?

LYRIC
No.

EMO LOSER GUY
You never did like anything to do with me, Jomas.

LYRIC just Looks at him. EMO LOSER GUY withers slightly.

LYRIC
Quite. Now, since you apparently misunderstood the first time: what are you doing here? What actual activities have you just been doing?

EMO WHINY LOSER
Oh. You’ll find out soon enough. I’ve commandeered some equipment.

WRAITH
(Whisper) You know, it really wasn’t that cool when Johnny Depp said it.

LYRIC
For what?

EMO JOHNNY DEPP WANNABE
You’ll see, Jomas! Or rather, you won’t. You’ll just try and wreck my new life like you wrecked the old one. So… (His voice goes all echo-y and dark) And then Jomas had a serious heart attack.

LYRIC does that grasping at chest and collapsing thing people having heart attacks do. Amazingly, he still looks suave. FINESSE leaps forward out of the invisi-bubble like some sort of hysterical woman and kneels beside him.

FINESSE
No! We’ll get you help, hold on!

EMO JOM-HATER
Ha! No, you won’t, because it can’t be stopped now! There’s nothing you can do! Only I could save him; and I’m not going to!

FINESSE
How? Is it by saying something? What would you say?

GULLIBLE JOM-HATER
Oh, it’s simple! Just, “and then Jom stopped having a heart attack”, or words to that – wait! What just happened?

FINESSE
Owned.

LYRIC stops having a heart attack, although he still looks shaky. FINESSE grins her smuggest you-didn’t-look-past-my-hair-colour-and-chest-size look. The only gunman still able to stand does so, grabbing a hostage as he goes and starting to move back toward the door. The RUBBISH BAD GUY goes with them.

RUBBISH BAD GUY
It’s not over, Jomas! I don’t know what you just did, but it won’t work again! And then the Narrator and his henchman and hostage escaped, the door locking firmly behind them!

He grins maniacally for a few seconds, and then a still-invisible WRAITH clouts the henchman over the head with a pole. He falls unconscious, dropping the hostage. The NARRATOR (lame name) looks alarmed, and scurries the rest of the way to the door.

THE NARRATOR
You stopped my powers? But… how?

He positively flees the room, and FINESSE sighs.

FINESSE
Well. We badly needed any of the others to stop him escaping at the end there.

LYRIC
Sorry…can’t quite…talk yet…

FINESSE
Not your fault; your blood just stopped flowing.

WRAITH
Yeah, don’t worry. That guy still has no teeth, thanks to you. We’ll get this Narrator Hater later.

Scene the Next. After a lovely trip to a hospital in which many more adventures happen (to be chronicled at a later date), the Scribblers are back at HQ, talking over stuff.

LYRIC
So basically, they stole their equipment for their Presumably Evil Plan and the Narrator got away.

AMITY
Yeah, well, to be fair you had a major heart attack. That’s not exactly a minor setback. Who was this Narrator, anyway?

LYRIC
Someone I used to know.

SHIFT
How enigmatic.

CHRONAL comes over from the police comm.-link and rejoins the group.

CHRONAL
Okay, since none of us are scientists I won’t bother going through the list of what they stole, but there’s a lot of high-tech equipment now in their hands. I think we need to ask a professional about this.

SHIFT cheers in the corner.

SHIFT
Woohoo! No more burns!

FINESSE
We should ask Kayleigh. She’s…sciencey.

CHRONAL
Good idea!

He moves to the Giant Sixties Sci-Fi Videophone on the wall and phones Kayleigh. After a few seconds Kayleigh’s head and torso appears on the screen. She seems to be wearing a lab coat over some extremely hippyish flower covered clothes, and is holding a plant like a stereotype.

KAYLEIGH
Hello plantos.

SCRIBBLERS EN MASSE
Hello Kayleigh.

CHRONAL
Kayleigh, we need your help. Some bad guys rubbishly stole some equipment for a Presumably Evil Plan, but we don’t know what the equipment is, so we can’t work it out.

KAYLEIGH
You need a scientist on the team.

CHRONAL
Well, Kayleigh, I’m glad you mentioned that, because you, in fact, are one of these scientists we’ve heard so much about.

WRAITH
A winner is you.

CHRONAL
So I’m sending you the data. Have you got it yet?

KAYLEIGH
Hold on…

There’s a pause as she looks off-screen significantly at her computer. She raises her other hand, revealing a mug of tea. AMITY sighs.

AMITY
We should have tea. Lyric needs tea.

LYRIC
I Captain need tea.

SHIFT
I’ll go and make tea.

KAYLEIGH
Right. Looking over this… I think you can upgrade your Presumably Evil Plan to a Definitely Evil Plan.

FINESSE
Aww… That is exactly what I didn’t want you to say.

CHRONAL
It’s probably the worst news ever, really.

SHIFT
I know I can’t think of worse news. Here’s some tea.

AMITY
That’s much better news.

KAYLEIGH
Sorry everyone. Basically, these are mostly pieces of equipment for the cultivation and chemical extraction of a rare plant we created recently.

FINESSE
A plant you created?

KAYLEIGH
Yes, several generations of cross-breeding. The damn thing dies usually because it’s rubbish – even I can’t make it grow in the wild. If the conditions aren’t right, it doesn’t germinate.

CHRONAL
What’s special about it?

KAYLEIGH
Well, it’s still an experimental procedure, but the sap has mutagenic properties. If treated right it could give people super powers.

There is a brief silence.

CHRONAL
And that’s actually the worst news ever.

AMITY
Er… you said they mostly stole equipment to grow this plant and get the sap out. What else did they take?

KAYLEIGH
The stuff they need to turn the sap into a serum they can take.

CHRONAL
…I think I need some tea…

FINESSE
You hate tea.

CHRONAL
Nevertheless.

KAYLEIGH
Oh na. I broke Steff.

SHIFT
So, if this plant is really rare, how could they get hold of some?

KAYLEIGH
Actually… the only place is here. Could you people come here? They’ll probably attack us.

CHRONAL
We’re on our way.

Scene the Next. The Machynlleth Biochemical Research Centre. It’s in Machynlleth you know. The team are spread out about the complex in pairs; CHRONAL and FINESSE in some big control centre with lots of computers and security screens, AMITY and SHIFT in a big greenhouse bit with plants and LYRIC and WRAITH in an underground warehouse/back door kind of place. KAYLEIGH is in her lab, working on her plants. Everyone has tiny high-tech communicator ear pieces.

SHIFT
I think my skin’s almost all back, you know. I could try getting that message back.

AMITY
Are you sure? You don’t want to go rushing it.

SHIFT
No, I think it’s okay. Hopefully I won’t lose extra skin trying, anyway.

AMITY
Yes, let’s hope, eh?

WRAITH
I’m bored now. The bad guys should turn up.

CHRONAL
Still no sign, sorry. We’ll probably be here a while yet.

AMITY
We should play a game!

FINESSE
Oh, do let’s! What should we play?

AMITY
Splendid! How about the Shopkeeper game? I can buy a giraffe.

FINESSE
Can I buy a giraffe?

AMITY
Yes, if you wish.

FINESSE
Excellent!

KAYLEIGH
Can I buy a giraffe?

AMITY
No, I’m sorry.

KAYLEIGH
Northern bias.

Suddenly up in the control centre, CHRONAL freezes, staring at a screen.

CHRONAL
They’re here! They’re in the greenhouse, but I expect there’ll be more. Amity? Shift? Are you two okay alone?

SHIFT
Definitely.

A squad of Hired Goons moves up the greenhouse, trying to be quiet. Halfway up, most of those on the left side suddenly start to stumble and trip as they get sleepy. The rest look around, instantly alert, as SHIFT suddenly springs out at them as a polar bear and knocks several to one side. Polar Bears are scary. Most of the sleepy guys finally fall asleep and trip up some others in comic fashion; a group in front of SHIFT that were levelling guns at her suddenly get very scared from AMITY’S influence and try to run away. SHIFT merely lopes after them – polar bears are fast – and takes them out. She transforms back as the last few Hired Goons hit the floor.

SHIFT
You know, I’d feel sorry for them – but I just don’t.

AMITY
Go team!

SHIFT
Oh, and I can get that message finally!

AMITY
Splendid! Oh, wait. Some more Hired Goons.

Meanwhile, WRAITH and LYRIC run into another wave of Hired Goons in the basement. LYRIC goes all karate ninja on their faces while making their guns rust or disintegrate and their shoelaces come undone. WRAITH sneaks around invisible and decks lots of people.

Up in the control room, CHRONAL and FINESSE stare at one of the monitors.

FINESSE
They’re actually sending a third wave to the front door?

CHRONAL
Well, it’s…unexpected. I suppose they thought we wouldn’t think of guarding it, it’s too obvious.

FINESSE
Probably. Shall we?

CHRONAL
Certainly.

He freezes time around them, and they walk in a leisurely fashion down to the front entrance.

FINESSE
Stand in the shadows or burst out in front of them?

CHRONAL
I think bursting out in front of them. It makes for dramatic effect.

They do so, causing the wave of Hired Goons to leap back in alarm. Their fight is fairly non-descriptive; they both use CHRONAL’S power to slow time around them, effectively giving themselves super speed, and commence baddie bashing.

Meanwhile, in KAYLEIGH’S lab, the NARRATOR suddenly appears behind her in one of those creepily inexplicable ways that bad guys in horror films have. She doesn’t notice yet.

Down in the greenhouse, the fight finishes.

AMITY
Something’s not right here. No one tried to take any of the plants. I thought that was what they were after?

SHIFT
Er… we have a bigger problem. I just managed to reproduce that message.

In KAYLEIGH’S lab, the NARRATOR steps forward. KAYLEIGH turns, but before she can do anything he speaks.

NARRATOR
And then Kayleigh fell deeply asleep.

She does so. He mwahaha’s a bit.

SHIFT
Chronal? The message was about this very plan. The Narrator isn’t the main boss. It’s…MR. SINTARO!

End of Issue One.


********

So, it's really hard to write your friends' voices into fic. You've all become stereotypes, therefore. Deal. Anyway... as you may have guessed, this is indeed a direct sequel to Jester's rather magnificent beginning. If any of you artistic types want to make this into a proper comic, feel free, although you will have to adapt it somewhat as I was lazy and didn't write this in any style even remotely resembling a comic script.