Scribblers: Going Green

Well, I'm told by Iceduck that this is post Number Three Hundred on ScribblePit! Hooray! I thought I'd give it a nice air of completion by making it the end to a story I started ages ago but hadn't finished, so here we are: Scribblers. A bit rough, still, but I wanted 300.


Scribblers: Go Green
Issue Three

Scene the First: the National Assembly of Wales, Cardiff. It's in Cardiff. AMITY is standing by one of those swanky touch-screen computers around the main meeting room, calmly downloading information onto a USB pen. PROFESSOR CLARKSON is talking to the PRIME MINISTER, trying to convince him to blow up the Heulobattery now (the English now, not the Welsh one). The ENVIRONMENTAL MINISTER is watching her from beside his own touch-screen computer thing, looking all sinister in the shadows.

PROF CLARKSON
But Prime Minister, I really must stress this! We are swiftly running out of time! All evidence points towards the Heulobattery exploding in eleven minutes. That gives us about six minutes to safely do this.

PRIME MINISTER
Stop bothering me, man! I said we trust the Scribblers!

MINISTER FOR BUSES
But, Prime Minister, if I may -

PRIME MINISTER
Yes?

The MINISTER FOR BUSES flinches. AMITY's staring when distracted can have this effect on a person's mind.

MINISTER FOR BUSES
The buses... think of the buses...

PRIME MINISTER
I don't care!

PROF CLARKSON
But, sir...

PRIME MINISTER
Minister for Buses! Spit on this man!

MINISTER FOR BUSES
Meep!

The computer in front of AMITY beeps softly, and she disengages the USB pen and approaches the group of men. The ENVIRONMENTAL MINISTER steps carefully backwards towards the door, watching AMITY.

AMITY
Mr Prime Minister?

PRIME MINISTER
Ah! That nice young Amity! Have you been given tea? Would you like tea? Can't face the end of the world without tea!

AMITY
I - yes! Yes please! I'd love some.

PRIME MINISTER
Minister for buses! Tea, man! Tea!

The poor MINISTER FOR BUSES scuttles away to find tea. Don't worry, though. It's a blessing for him since he gets to be away from the rather enthusiastic PRIME MINISTER.

AMITY
I'm afraid I have some bad news for you though, sir.

PRIME MINISTER
Oh, really? Drat. I hate bad news.

AMITY
Ooh, so do I. Sorry. This is all a fix, though.

PROFESSOR CLARKSON
What?!

PRIME MINISTER
WHAT?!

MINISTER FOR BUSES
Meep!

AMITY plugs the USB into the main computer and opens the files. Incriminating evidence rolls by on the screen.

AMITY
The Heulobattery has been deliberately overloaded by FossCarbon. Professor Pearce-Morgan is an insider for them.

PRIME MINISTER
WHAT?!?!?!?!

PROF CLARKSON
Well, this isn't proof!

AMITY
And here's the proof in the form of Professor Pearce-Morgan's confession on FossCarbon note paper...

PRIME MINISTER
WHAT?!!?????????!!!!!

PROF CLARKSON
Oh, Prime Minister! I assure you, I had no -

AMITY
And, here's the proof that it was masterminded by Professor Clarkson...

PRIME MINISTER
WHAT WHAT WHAT??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

PROF CLARKSON
Er...

AMITY
Oh, and here's the proof that he managed the technical side by colluding with the Environmental Minister.

There is a thud as the MINISTER FOR BUSES faints clean away, narrowly missing throwing his tea tray all over the rather smartly dressed MINISTER FOR EXPRESSION. PROF CLARKSON turns and runs like an absolute spak - all windmilling arms and legs - at the doors. The ENVIRONMENTAL MINISTER shrinks back into the shadows.

MINISTER FOR EXPRESSION
He's getting away!

PRIME MINISTER
Where is security!?? Where?!? Someone stop him!!

AMITY
Allow me, sir.

She raises a hand and suddenly PROF CLARKSON is on his knees, sobbing uncontrollably and hugging himself.

PROF CLARKSON
Why?... But I want it... I want it all... The money...

AMITY (sternly)
That's what you get for trying to break the environment.

PRIME MINISTER
Ah, well done! Good work there, Scribbler! Someone bring tea, immediately!

AMITY
Oh, yes! I do love tea!

PRIME MINISTER
Really, though, where could my security team have gotten to?

ENVIRONMENTAL MINISTER (voice over the intercom)
I'm afraid they are presently indisposed, Prime Minister. As shall you all be, very shortly.

Suddenly, GOONS burst in, all gun-toting and stuff! Oh noes! The assembled ministers scatter, fleeing wildly for doors and running into each other and generally panicking uselessly. They trample the MINISTER FOR BUSES a bit, too, love him. AMITY spins towards the fleeing politicians and raises a hand.

AMITY
Be calm.

As one, the panicking mass slow down and walk calmly to shelter under tables, the still-unconscious MINISTER FOR BUSES dragged away by the MINISTER FOR RECYCLING. AMITY turns back to the GOONS, who by this point have fanned out around her and started pointing guns and things like that. Shocking behaviour.

PRIME MINISTER (from under a desk)
Argh! Goons! Where on earth did they get guns?! I demand an explanation!

AMITY
I'll ask them. Later.

She spreads her arms out.

AMITY
Funny things, phobias. Everyone has one, you know. They're sort of primal; you can be the calmest, toughest, most unflappable person in the world, with no known conscious issues with insects, and yet as soon as lots of them crawl on you...

As she speaks the GOONS suddenly start twitching and yelping, dropping - and in some cases throwing - their guns away from them as though they were holding handfuls of slugs or something. Most even wipe their hands on their clothes, looking distinctly grossed out.

AMITY (evil grin)
Redirection. I love it. And it has so many applications.

GOON#1
Is she -?

GOON#2
Stop it, everyone! We can still take her!

GOON#1
She's in our heads...

GOON#2
Yes, she is! She's also tiny! We can take her!

AMITY
You're not, though.

And indeed, they aren't. They're standing in a loose semi-circle in front of her, looking distinctly edgy and unnerved.

GOON#2
But we will! Come on guys, she can't affect all of us at once!

AMITY
I don't need to.

GOON#1
She's in our heads...

GOON#2
You need to be in all of our heads to stop us all. If we rush you -

AMITY
Yes. Interesting that you haven't so far, isn't it?

GOON#3 (whispering in horror as he curls into a ball)
What has she done...?

AMITY
Phobic redirection. I'm causing all of you to experience a primal fear linked to your perception of me. Like a fear of the dark.

She smiles again. It's very, very frightening.

AMITY
I am the dark.

GOON#2
Except now that you've told me that, Scribbler, I can beat you. I can use logic to overcome you!

AMITY
No, you can't. My powers are essentially chemical-based. You can't beat your own body chemistry. But, that said -

She holds up a hand toward GOON#2, who suddenly screams and falls to the floor, struggling to get away from her.

AMITY
You do seem more resistant than the others. Extra effort for you.

The GOONS all wither, and slowly sit on the floor, hands over their heads. AMITY gives them her brightest smile. The PRIME MINISTER crawls out from under his table, a big ball of indignation.

PRIME MINISTER
But the guns!! Where did they get guns?!! Minister for Buses! Spit on these men! And fetch tea!

Scene the Next: Solariax Ltd. FINESSE, SHIFT and SOLAR are moving through the Solariax main building, SHIFT as a bee, SOLAR and FINESSE bickering still. They come to a pair of large double doors that are electronically operated, and so locked down.

FINESSE (to bee!SHIFT)
Through here?

SHIFT buzzes a bit.

FINESSE
Excellent.

SOLAR
Why a bee?

FINESSE
Bees have a ring of iron oxide around their abdomens that allow them to detect magnetic and electromagnetic fields. It's how they navigate. In this case, it means Shift can hopefully lead us to the command centre.

SOLAR
How clever.

FINESSE
Indeed. And now we are faced with a door. I think we all know how this will end.

SOLAR (giggling)
I hate you. You're mean.

FINESSE
You're holding us up.

SOLAR blows up the door. It's dramatic. They step and fly through.

SOLAR
What the-?

It looks like a canteen or something, but it's full of people (well; full=about thirty). These are the night staff, whom AMITY so cleverly remembered to the PRIME MINISTER. Remember him? He's a lot like Brian Blessed, apparently. Anyway; the assembled scientist-types look up, all happy to be able to escape the canteen which is about to blow up.

FINESSE
Ah. Night staff.

SCIENTIST-TYPE#1
We're saved!

SCIENTIST-TYPE#2
Huzzah!

FINESSE
Follow the path of destruction out, people, we'll take care of - wait, Geoffrey?

GEOFFREY
You've saved me again! Oh, thank heavens!

FINESSE
But... what on earth are you doing here? Here! Getting kidnapped again!

GEOFFREY
The world hates me.

He cries. Everyone looks a bit embarrassed. The night staff head for the door, and GEOFFREY is led away by kind people.

SOLAR
So... friend of yours?

FINESSE
Definitely not. Even less a friend of Chronal's. Time check, Chronal?

CHRONAL (over comm)
Six minutes. Did you just say Geoffrey?

FINESSE
Yes, but talking about him is holding us up.

CHRONAL (bitterly)
Well, isn't that true to form...

SOLAR
We should go, let's go now yesyes?

SHIFT buzzes off towards a door in the far wall. They follow and it leads to a corridor. They fly along it. At the end is a big, impressive looking door marked 'Control Centre'. They have reached their goal. Hurrah!

FINESSE
Come back, Shift.

Shift the bee flies happily onto FINESSE's palm. FINESSE transforms her back, and human SHIFT blinks a few times before adjusting to having only four limbs again.

FINESSE
Are we ready?

SHIFT
Readiness get.

SOLAR
Yes!

SOLAR disintegrates the door and a large portion of the surrounding walls.

FINESSE
I love this zero-tolerance attitude to doors.

SHIFT
It does save time.

SOLAR
I'm low on power.

FINESSE
I know. That's good.

SHIFT
I spy with my little eye a bad guy.

FINESSE
As do I.

SOLAR
Ooh, that rhymed!

FINESSE
If you could at least pretend to be an adult for a minute, Solar?

They step inside. It's a big, big room, full of computer screens, holograms, desks and, along one wall, a pair of Tronflow Converters new and old and a Williams Converter. An archway along the opposite wall leads into the Heulobattery, thrumming and glowing ominously. Sitting at one of the desks in the middle is PROF PEARCE-MORGAN, staring in alarm at the smoking remains of his door. The Scribblers step into the room.

FINESSE
Professor Pearce-Morgan, I presume?

PEARCE-MORGAN
Er...yes. Yes! Thank goodness you've found me! The Heulobattery is about to blow up!

SHIFT
Yes. How are you planning on fleeing that, by the way?

PEARCE-MORGAN
I - what? I don't -

SOLAR (hissed whisper)
Look how fat he is.

FINESSE
Yes, well, we all know about your fat issues, Solar. Professor? Stop pretending. We don't have time. Turn off the Tronflow converter and sort this out, or Shift here will eat your face in a way that only a fire ant can.

PEARCE-MORGAN
A lone fire ant could only -

FINESSE
Polar bear.

SHIFT becomes a polar bear. PEARCE-MORGAN gets to his feet so fast you might have thought he'd teleported. SOLAR giggles.

SOLAR
Oh, you two are good at this!

FINESSE
We're professionals. Professor?

PEARCE-MORGAN
Now, now... no need for this... let me just -

He puts a hand into his pocket, and grins manically.

PEARCE-MORGAN
...escape! Ha ha! So long, Scribblers! You will never defeat fossil fuels!

There is a flash as he activates a personal teleportation device. SHIFT launches herself at him shrinking out of sight as she goes, and they both vanish. FINESSE leaps forward, but it's too late.

FINESSE
Shift! God damn it...

SOLAR
Is she still here?

FINESSE
No. Damn it! Chronal, are you there?

CHRONAL (on comm)
Yes. What's wrong?

FINESSE
You three need to find Professor Pearce-Morgan. I'll be surprised if he's gone anywhere other than FossCarbon. But Shift is on him in flea-form, so be careful.

LYRIC (on comm)
We'll find her.

CHRONAL (on comm)
Meanwhile, you have about two minutes left. I've written a new code for the converter, but I don't think we have enough time...

FINESSE
It's fine. What do you need?

CHRONAL
There should be a circuit board under the main panel on the converter. You need to access it.

FINESSE
Which one? The newer one, the older model, or the Williams Converter?

CHRONAL
No! We need to reverse the polarity of the new Tronflow Converter, the others are fine as is.

FINESSE runs over to the Tronflow converter and examines the panel. SOLAR walks to the archway to the Heulobattery and looks up into it.

FINESSE
That's quite firmly attached. Sorry, Solar...

She tears a bolt of electricity from SOLAR, who yelps as she does so, and blasts off the panel with it.

CHRONAL
Can you see the red and blue switches in it?

FINESSE
Yes.

CHRONAL
Flip them. That should let me in, and I - right! It's downloading. It'll take about fifty eight seconds, though. We're cutting this very fine. And this only resets the program, it won't do anything about the existing power build-up.

FINESSE
Then it's your turn, Solar.

SOLAR
Yay! I get to be a superhero!

Scene the Next, back at FossCarbon. LYRIC and WRAITH are running through the building, following some signs marked 'Head Offices'. WRAITH is holding his hair back.

WRAITH
Maybe I should tie it back. It is a crazy mass otherwise.

LYRIC
Because of what some Goons said?

WRAITH
And because it's a crazy mess, you bummer. Weren't you listening?

LYRIC
If we weren't running to hopefully catch a villain I'd cry a fake tear about now.

WRAITH
Make me a hair tie.

LYRIC (rolling his eyes suavely)
Yes, master.

He mutters something into his palm and then holds his hand out to WRAITH, who takes it and pulls his hair back into a ponytail.

WRAITH
Now it doesn't try to eat my face like some kind of gay Metroid! Wins!

LYRIC
Head office! Bursting in...

They do so, in time to see gorilla!SHIFT hurling PEARCE-MORGAN at a wall; he takes a futuristic-looking gun out of a pocket as he flies through the air, pointing at her -

- WRAITH sniffs and SHIFT turns invisible as LYRIC mutters and the gun rusts over, going dead. PEARCE-MORGAN hits the wall and slumps down, and LYRIC ropes him up as SHIFT becomes visible and human again.

SHIFT
Go team!

WRAITH
Lyric has put Professor Twat into bondage. Get it? Get it? Ahhhhhh.

SHIFT
Lyric wants to get it. That's sort of the point.

WRAITH
Good one!

LYRIC
You look like a girl.

WRAITH
Lame...

LYRIC
And you look like a mong.

SHIFT
Hey! I was just a gorilla!

AMITY (on comm)
Hey guys! I've sorted out the government and presented all the evidence. Also, the Environmental Minister has been fired, I presume, since he's being arrested. And we've got Professor Clarkson. How are you all doing?

LYRIC
Well I've tied up Professor Pearce-Morgan and, if the team are to be believed, am about to have sex with him.

CHRONAL (on comm)
A good outing for you today, then.

LYRIC
Shut up.

CHRONAL
No I shan't. We've got fifty three seconds left to live, and I'm damn well spending them tormenting you, Lyric.

WRAITH
Haha!

SHIFT
Fifty three?

CHRONAL
And Finesse and Solar aren't answering, which either means they've died or they can't spare the power for the comms at the moment.

AMITY
Well, they aren't dead. Just urgent.

LYRIC
Fifty three seconds? I should bloody well think so.

CHRONAL
Forty, now.

SHIFT
Bugger.

Scene the Other, in Solariax. SOLAR and FINESSE are in the Heulobattery chamber, SOLAR hovering in the air about halfway up. She is glowing gold, surrounded by a corona of electricity as she absorbs it from the Heulobattery. FINESSE is on the floor, watching her. Beside her is a handy thermometer-shaped gauge on the wall, its chart marked from 'Failing' to 'Genocidal Danger'. A red marker points to 'Genocidal Danger'.

FINESSE
Hows it going up there?

SOLAR
It tingles!

FINESSE
It's electricity, what did you think it would do?

SOLAR
Why are you always so mean?

FINESSE
I need to practise it. For supervillains and so forth. Do you think you could get a move on? I make it thirty seconds, and the marker still needs to go through 'Semi-Localised Destruction' and 'Death of all Employees' before it even gets to 'Dubiously High Energy.'

SOLAR
Um... I'm not sure how to speed this up. I've never really had to...

FINESSE
You so badly need your own team. Coming up -

She flies up behind SOLAR and places a hand on either side of her head, and suddenly the electricity in the Heulobattery surges out, flowing into SOLAR, who shrieks. That's what she does, you see. All the bloody time, and it's really bloody loud. A window breaks in the corner. On the gauge, the marker starts tumbling.

FINESSE
Semi-localised Destruction get! And I hope I never have to be happy about that prospect again.

SOLAR
There's so much energy!

FINESSE
Well, yes. Enough to kill all of the workers. Including Geoffrey! Silver linings and all that.

SOLAR
You're even mean to hostages!

FINESSE
No, I'm mean to Geoffrey. Fifteen seconds, or thereabouts.

SOLAR
Finesse - I can't store this much...

FINESSE
Yes you can! Seriously. Stop whinging and take it. We're already at 'Dubiously High!' We only need 'Ah, You're Pushing It.'

SOLAR
I hate you! Why did I join in? It hurts and you're even being mean to me now!

FINESSE
Just keep going! Another few seconds...

And finally, the marker hits 'Ah, You're Pushing It.' FINESSE grabs the incandescent SOLAR and they soar upwards, through the window broken by SOLAR's voice. As the city beneath them abruptly starts to light up again SOLAR converts the stored energy back into sunlight and releases it upwards. It lights up the entire sky for a moment, as bright as day from horizon to horizon, and then the night comes back and they fly back down.

SOLAR
Now I bet my hair looks like poo! I hate you!

FINESSE
Your hair looks fine.

SOLAR
Really?

FINESSE
Really.

SOLAR
Thank you! You see? You can talk without being mean!

FINESSE (wincing)
Although you, apparently, can't talk without shouting. Why can't you learn normal volumes?

SOLAR
Well, it was nice while it lasted.

AMITY (on comm)
Hey! Welcome back! We've won!

SOLAR
Hooray!

FINESSE
Excellent. Then back to the Pit, people! Time for tea, cookies and rumination.

CHRONAL (on comm)
Hooray! I love cookies!

SHIFT (on comm)
I love rumination!

AMITY
I love tea!

SOLAR
I don't like tea.

LYRIC (on comm)
Nor does Finesse. Is that a genetic condition of your family?

WRAITH (on comm)
You have loser genes. Haha.

FINESSE
While you wear loser's jeans.

WRAITH
Oh.

And so they all leave, with every loose end neatly tied up and out of the way, and head back to Da Pit for the promised tea, cookies and rumination, which is intelligent and witty. So much so I bet you're all really sad you've missed it, but I'm poor at writing endings to these, so screw you all.

Fin.

Ye olde drawing

Here's an old drawing I did back when I was a little kiddie. Using Flash (an animation and interactive website creation program) to draw things was the killer app for me. One of the drawings was this: The idea behind it came from an old factory in Gowerton being demolished to make way for some poncy flats that look like what Disney would love all houses to look like. I found this drawing on my DeviantFart account along with some other embarrassments. I thought I may as well update the drawing seeings I had nothing better to do with my time other than rub my face against walls with interesting textures.



Notice how the wonky walkway at the front makes everything else look wonky. There's so much wrong with this but the original was wonky too so I guess you could call it "character".

Scribblers: Skill Swap

Monday.

AMITY and WRAITH are on a street in Dinas City, all glass and polished wood and slate and modern-looking, lined with shops: 'Solariax Home Solutions', 'Varicom Communications', 'T.O.R.Y Dinas Office', 'The Farm Shoppe', 'The Costume Company' and a tall, disused unit. Shoppers are wandering amiably about. Across the street is a CHAVVY GOD BOTHERER.

WRAITH
Why are we here again?

AMITY
You realise you've asked me five times now?

WRAITH
My memory banks are too full.

AMITY
You sound like a robot.

WRAITH (robotic voice)
I am a robot, I am a robot, I am a robot!

AMITY
Ooh, is this a game?

CHAVVY GOD BOTHERER
You all suck!

They pause, and look at him.

AMITY
That's unusually specific.

WRAITH
I hate that guy.

AMITY
Come on. I need a new costume, but I'm very bad at shopping. I need to make it a game.

WRAITH
Then why bring me? I put the 'gay' into 'game'. Get it? Ahhhhh.

CHAVVY GOD BOTHERER
Gays are against nature!

WRAITH
I can also turn invisible.

They enter the Costume Company, a multi-floored shop full of superhero costumes and professional uniforms kept in sections marked things like 'Temperature Resistance', 'Pressure Adaptability', 'Enhanced Flexibility' and 'Armoured Section'. Various superheroes and firemen and such are casually wandering the isles, aided by shop assistants. A young woman approaches AMITY and WRAITH, looking resignedly weary, and smiles at them.

SHOP ASSISTANT
Hello.

Her body suddenly spasms, causing her to somersault and flip into a head-stand which she maintains rigidly and apparently without any effort. It doesn't seem to be a voluntary motion. She doesn't get down.

SHOP ASSISTANT
Welcome to The Costume Company. My name is Blodwen. What are you looking for today?

WRAITH
A new belt.

AMITY
Wraith! Er... are you alright?

BLODWEN
Oh, yes. Sorry. Don't mind me. I have what's known as a negative super power; every time I greet someone I flip onto my head for thirty seconds. I can't stop it.

AMITY
Oh, gosh. That sounds dreadful.

BLODWEN
Well, it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it. I mean, I can't wear skirts or baggy tops, and usually I just man the tills or work in the stockroom, but... could be worse.

AMITY
But you're so sad.

WRAITH
Haha. Amity called someone 'sad'.

AMITY
As in 'unhappy', Wraith.

BLODWEN
Well, it's nothing, really. I'd just love to work in the front of the shop like this all the time. I'm only doing it this week because we're short-staffed, but I really like it.

WRAITH
Fail.

BLODWEN
Yeah. Anyway.

Her body abruptly relaxes, and she smoothly stands back upright again, straightening her blouse.

BLODWEN
A belt, was it?

AMITY
And a new costume for me.

BLODWEN
Ooh, really? Entirely new, or more of the same? I can get one of our designers if you want.

AMITY
No need. I need one that looks the same, but with upgrades, like temperature adaptibility.

BLODWEN
Oh, okay. I'll let you get on then. Call if you need anything.

AMITY
Thanks!

BLODWEN wanders away to the door again where a man in a blue costume has entered.

BLODWEN
Hello.

She flips upside down. AMITY sighs and turns away, shaking her head sadly.

AMITY
So sad... Right. I must focus. New costume. I will get one today. I will not get distracted and bored and go home -

WRAITH
Hey, that chavvy god botherer outside just said that Muslims are gay.

AMITY
... Let's rock.

Scene the Next: in Da Pit, later. AMITY is sitting on the sofa looking guilty with FINESSE standing in front of her, arms folded. LYRIC and SHIFT are sitting on the other side of the room, SHIFT reading while LYRIC makes notes on onions.

FINESSE
And?

AMITY
And he said Muslims were gay! You would have gone to sort him out!

FINESSE
Yes, of course I would. I'm not disputing that. Just as I'm not saying you should have ignored him. We both know that's not my point.

LYRIC
Heh. Finesse said 'point'.

FINESSE
Hey! Quiet in the cheap seats! When I want your input I'll ask. Amity?

AMITY
You're exasperated at me.

FINESSE
We can't possibly be paying you enough. Why is your costume still unbought?

AMITY
I... because...

FINESSE
Because you got bored! I know! And you!

She points at the seemingly empty seat next to AMITY.

FINESSE
You were meant to keep her on track!

WRAITH ('s voice)
All my base are belong to her.

FINESSE
Fail!

WRAITH ('s voice)
Soz.

SHIFT
That's funny because Finesse is admonishing Wraith in the same nerdy dialect he uses.

AMITY (slightly sulkily)
I hate costume shopping.

FINESSE
I hate cucumbers. We still have them in the house from time to time.

LYRIC
Hang on, how come Shift gets to interrupt but I don't?

FINESSE
It's a best friend privilege. Don't interrupt.

LYRIC
But -

FINESSE
Tomorrow, Amity, you are going back and buying that costume. And this time Lyric is going with you.

AMITY
Fine...

LYRIC
Wait, what?

FINESSE
You make sure she buys it. That's an order. And Amity, you either stop sulking or I start playing with your dopemine levels.

WRAITH ('s voice)
Do I still have to go?

FINESSE
No.

WRAITH ('s voice)
Wins!

Tuesday.

Scene the Next: back to The Costume Company. AMITY and LYRIC walk inside and are met again by BLODWEN.

BLODWEN
Hello.

She flips upside down. AMITY looks sad. LYRIC looks vaguely shocked.

LYRIC
Good Christ, that looks awkward.

BLODWEN
Certainly in this job. Can I help either of you today?

AMITY
No, thank you. We can manage.

BLODWEN
Alright.

AMITY and LYRIC wander over to the 'Temperature Adapability' racks and start looking through them.

AMITY
It's so sad. She puts on such a brave face, but she hates it so much.

LYRIC
Oh, I'd hate to have a negative super power.

AMITY
Yes. She should be happy. Maybe she'd like to play a game?

LYRIC
No! No, you are not procrastinating like that! Here, look at these! Do you like this shade of green?

AMITY
... No. I like this cream one.

LYRIC
That's not a costume.

AMITY
I know, but it's pretty...

LYRIC
Amity!

AMITY
Hang on, that's the guy from yesterday.

She points over at the door where the blue-costumed man from the day before is talking to an upside-down BLODWEN. LYRIC frowns.

LYRIC
So?

AMITY
Coming two days in a row is unusual.

LYRIC
Then Mortis needs a few pointers.

AMITY
Lyric!

LYRIC
Sorry. Anyway, it doesn't matter, you're procrastinating again. He -

He turns to gesture at the man and AMITY narrows her eyes slightly.

LYRIC
- could be a bit suspicious, actually.

AMITY
Let's get closer without them noticing! Like a game!

They casually move around the racks, moving into earshot while looking at a selection of super flexible corsets. As they near BLODWEN gets up again.

BLODWEN
... was your name again?

MAN
Chillblane.

BLODWEN
Oh that's right. How can I help you today, Mr Chillblane?

CHILLBLANE
Oh, no honorific. It doesn't work for me. I just wanted to ask one or two more questions if I could?

BLODWEN
Feel free.

CHILLBLANE takes out a notebook headed with a logo marked 'Retcon' and starts making notes in shorthand.

CHILLBLANE.
Thank you. How long have you worked here?

LYRIC (low whisper)
Anything?

AMITY (low whisper)
No. He's curious. Very focused, though. And he's thinking very quickly.

LYRIC (low whisper)
I think he's just a researcher. Let's leave him alone.

AMITY
But -

LYRIC
Costume, Amity. Now.

AMITY
I think we should go to the Book Shoppe.

She narrows her eyes slightly, and LYRIC sighs, suddenly looking incredibly bored.

LYRIC
I am Lyric's complete agreement. Let's go.

They leave.

Scene the Next - in Da Pit, later. The scene is much like it was the evening before, but the sofa now holds AMITY and LYRIC, while CHRONAL sits playing the Minute Waltz in a literal minute on the piano and WRAITH draws in a corner. SHIFT is typing softly on a computer. FINESSE is glaring. LYRIC is guiltily holding a small pile of books on his lap.

AMITY
You're more exasperated than you were yesterday.

FINESSE
What stellar observational skills. Why are we having this conversation again?

SHIFT
Because she didn't get her costume again and Lyric didn't make her.

LYRIC
Judas.

FINESSE
Hark who's talking. What happened this time? More god botherers? Goonion strike activists? Disgruntled super powered ex-employees?

AMITY
A suspicious man asking questions.

SHIFT
How suspicious.

FINESSE
And yet I'm noting a lack of instant reporting of said man's intentions and an unusually high presense of new books.

LYRIC
He was a researcher.

AMITY
He was there yesterday too -

FINESSE
Stop talking. I don't care. Why did the normally well-focused Lyric wander off to a book shop, Amity?

AMITY
Um...

FINESSE
I thought so.

SHIFT
Ooh, brilliant! Kayleigh's coming to visit!

CHRONAL
Hurrah! Then we will have bonus Kayleigh!

SHIFT
And she can boost our vegetable patch and give us many more delicious vegetables.

CHRONAL
Delicious vegetables? They're my favourite!

SHIFT
I know!

FINESSE
Guys? I'm trying to do the admonishing leader thing over here. Cease your talk of delicious vegetables.

CHRONAL
Sorry.

FINESSE
Right. Tomorrow, Amity, you are going back to that shop and getting your costume, and you will be accompanied by Shift.

SHIFT
Really?

FINESSE
You're a strategist. You ought to be able to manipulate her into getting it done. See to it.

SHIFT
I shall employ my Machiavellian ways...

Wednesday.

Scene the Next: AMITY and SHIFT are walking down the street towards The Costume Company, looking sort of determined. SHIFT is looking at the shops, apparently fascinated.

SHIFT
"The Farm Shoppe" looks nice. And "Solariax Home Solutions". And "Retcon." I never come to this part of town.

AMITY
Really?

SHIFT
Really. I've made my own clothes since I was sixteen. It's a side-effect of my powers.

AMITY (miserably)
That must be nice.

SHIFT
We'll make it into a game, okay?

AMITY (brightly)
Really? Okay! How?

SHIFT
We're going to time it. Belts first: We have three minutes from my mark to get the belt.

AMITY
Excellent!

They enter the Costume Company and are met by BLODWEN.

BLODWEN
Hello.

She flips upside down.

Back again?

AMITY (sadly)
Yes.

SHIFT
Belts! Three minutes! Now!

AMITY
I - what?

SHIFT
Go! Screw all distractions! Belts!

Amity runs away to the belts. SHIFT nods, satisfied.

SHIFT
I'd hoped that would work. Um... don't take this the wrong way, but...

BLODWEN
It's okay. I unnerve people at first. It's why I don't usually work with the customers.

SHIFT
It wouldn't be a problem, honestly, it's just... I can speak fluent body language as part of my power set, but yours is sort of... locked into that position. My brain won't accept it.

BLODWEN
Ah. No worries. I'll be up again in ten seconds.

SHIFT
Oh? Oh. That's good.

AMITY runs back.

AMITY
I've done it! I've got my belt!

SHIFT
Good! Now masks! One minute!

AMITY
Yay!

She runs away. BLODWEN slumps to the floor and stands up.

BLODWEN
Wow. This is much more motivated than she has been the last two days.

SHIFT
She likes games. The difficult bit is next, though; Amity is incredibly picky about the shade of green she wears...

Scene the Next: in Da Pit, later. The scene is comically alike the past two days, but this time CHRONAL is on the computer, LYRIC is reading one of his new books and WRAITH is drawing, while AMITY now sits next to SHIFT.

SHIFT
I'm sorry.

FINESSE
Oh, I don't blame you. What was it this time?

AMITY
I got my belt and mask...

FINESSE
Unless you're Lyric you don't get to go out wearing only them. What about the rest?

AMITY
Well...

SHIFT
It was picking the colour. She narrowed it down to about three, and then one of the shop assistants mentioned the tailoring process that would come next, and then -

AMITY (sulkily)
It was just going to take so long.

FINESSE (glancing at Chronal)
Hmm.

CHRONAL
Oh but -

FINESSE
Everyone else has done it. Take your turn, Chronal.

SHIFT
That's funny because you haven't done it yet.

CHRONAL
Hey! She's right! Why - ?

FINESSE
Because I both hate shopping and am in charge. Next time don't abdicate.

Thursday.

Scene the Next: AMITY and CHRONAL are walking down the street past the shops.

CHRONAL
Yes, I've met her. I remember her flipping upside down.

AMITY
It's so sad, Chrone. She hates it, she so wants to be able to serve properly in the shop. She likes people.

CHRONAL
Hmm. Maybe we could see about getting her one of the inhibitor tags that super crims wear? They ought to work.

AMITY
They don't give those to civilians.

CHRONAL
True, but -

He stops dead, staring at the tall office building with the 'Retcon' sign over it.

CHRONAL
What on earth...?

AMITY
What?

CHRONAL
That... wasn't there before. 'Retcon'. That was just disused before.

AMITY
Retcon? They've been there for years.

CHRONAL
Yes... yes, they have. But they've only been there for years since yesterday.

AMITY
Ooh! Timey-wimey?

CHRONAL
Timey-wimey. And, for that matter, has The Costume Company always had the Arden Industries logo at the bottom of the sign?

AMITY
Something's going on.

CHRONAL
Yes. Something that we're not investigating until we have your costume. Come on.

They go into the shop and BLODWEN appears.

BLODWEN
Hello -

She flips.

- Chronal. Not seen you in a while, hows the hat?

AMITY
So sad...

CHRONAL
It's good. Nice to see you out front again, Blodwen.

BLODWEN
I do enjoy it, although I probably won't be staying. It's not good for customer service.

CHRONAL
That's a shame. Well, come on Amity; we need to get your costume in high speed.

He blurs away and back, holding four different green costume models.

CHRONAL
Which?

AMITY
Which is closest to my costume now? Although, I don't know. That one might make me look sallow.

CHRONAL
Then you shall not have it!

It disappears from his hand, reappearing back on the rack.

CHRONAL
Now which?

AMITY
I -

She looks over at BLODWEN, now greeting another customer, and sighs before looking intently at CHRONAL.

AMITY
Let's go and play a game instead.

CHRONAL
Yay! Okay! Shopkeeper, can it be Shopkeeper?

Scene the Next: later in Da Pit. SHIFT is on the piano, LYRIC is reading and WRAITH is on the computer. AMITY and CHRONAL look faintly embarrassed as they sit on the sofa in front of FINESSE.

FINESSE
For the love of god!!!

AMITY
I'm sorry. I'd have done it, I would, and it would have been fine, but Blodwen was just so sad, and then I wanted to cheer up -

WRAITH
Kayleigh will be here tomorrow at lunch time.

LYRIC
Wins!

SHIFT
Kayleigh get!

FINESSE
Right! Here is the Plan. Do you understand? This! Will be the Plan! Tomorrow! Everyone who isn't Amity or me will go to meet Kayleigh. Amity and I, however, will be getting her gods damned bloody fucking costume! Okay?

AMITY
Oh, I so want to protest that I want to meet Kayleigh, but I just don't dare.

CHRONAL
Good gods, no, don't!

AMITY
I shan't.

LYRIC
Thank god for that.

FINESSE
Quite.

Friday.

Scene the Next. FINESSE is marching AMITY back down the street.

AMITY (slightly sulkily)
This is unnecessary you know.

FINESSE
Don't provoke me, woman. Your dopemine levels are mine to command.

AMITY
But I - oh, hang on. That building, Retcon. Yesterday Chronal said -

FINESSE
Tell me later.

AMITY
But it's serious! He said it hadn't been there before.

FINESSE
It wasn't. Chronal can feel timelines, he knows when things exist. Also there are a lot of people inside with an awful lot of super powers, so it's clearly a very suspicious and probably villainous building, all the more so because my brain is sort of telling me that it has been there for years. But, and I truly hope I'm making myself clear, if World War Three broke out in the next three minutes, the rest of the team were kidnapped by Sintaro and Satan himself came to wreak evil upon the earth, you and I would still not join in until you were wearing one shiny new costume.

AMITY
Now that is unreasonable.

FINESSE
Dopemine levels!

AMITY
Okay!

They march into The Costume Company. BLODWEN walks over to greet them, and FINESSE reaches out and grips her shoulder before she can speak.

FINESSE
Hello.

BLODWEN
Hello.

There is a pause in which nothing happens, and BLODWEN blinks, looking down at herself.

BLODWEN
What on - ? I'm not upside down!

AMITY
Oh, your happiness is so lovely!

FINESSE
Nasty power you've got there. I'll see if I can pull you some strings, get some inhibitor tech for you. Meanwhile, Amity, if I don't see you holding the green costume you want ready to be tailored within the next five minutes woe betide you.

Scene the Meanwhile. WRAITH, LYRIC, SHIFT and CHRONAL are all standing in an incredibly sci-fi looking train station, all glass and solar panels and trains like pods on electric lines, holding a banner saying 'Hello, Kayleigh!' CHRONAL looks thoughtful.

CHRONAL
So, you all remember Retcon?

SHIFT
It's been there for years, I'm sure. I've never thought to go in, though. Do you think that's indicative?

CHRONAL
Yes. It definitely didn't exist before Wednesday. Odd, isn't it?

LYRIC
How could we all think it did?

SHIFT
Mass mind control?

WRAITH
DO NOT WANT.

CHRONAL
Probably. But, that said, it's a fully-built and furnished-looking building, and I wouldn't be seeing temporal distortion if it was just mind control. I think something timey-wimey has happened.

SHIFT
Hmm. If Finesse agrees Wraith and I could check it out at some point. Infiltration and that.

WRAITH
Hey! Don't volunteer me, you president!

SHIFT
Whatever.

CHRONAL
I think this is it!

A sleek carriage pulls up to the platform and slides its doors open, revealing a few harried-looking scientists and KAYLEIGH. The Scribblers wave their banner superfluously and enthusiastically. KAYLEIGH grins and runs across to meet them.

KAYLEIGH
Hello, Plantos!

SCRIBBLERS
Hello, Kayleigh!

CHRONAL
Kayleigh, we're so glad you're back! It's all gone wrong in your absence! We killed Wraith!

KAYLEIGH
Well he's looking good for it.

CHRONAL
We resurrected him, but now he can only say six words, and five are post-watershed.

WRAITH
Mans.

KAYLEIGH
Where are Finesse and Amity?

LYRIC
Ah, there's a saga about that.

SHIFT
Costume shopping for Amity.

KAYLEIGH
Ah.

Scene the Meanwhile. AMITY is standing on a low rotatable table, having her selected costume pinned in place. FINESSE is still glaring slightly.

AMITY
I'm bored.

FINESSE
Yeah? So am I. You know what would have made this quicker? If you'd done this with Chronal yesterday.

AMITY (tentatively)
I don't suppose we could play a game?

FINESSE looks at her.

FINESSE
Fake Bear Alphabet?

AMITY
Yes!

FINESSE
Okay then.

Scene the Other. The Scribblers are walking through Parc Dinas happily. The sun is shining and it is grassy and tree-filled and lovely. What an idyll. I wish I was there too.

KAYLEIGH
And then it turned out to be made of jelly!

The Scribblers laugh uproariously.

CHRONAL
Wow, that's funny!

LYRIC
I'm so glad I heard that! I'd have been devastated to have missed that joke!

WRAITH
How frustrating would it have been to have only heard the punchline?

SHIFT
It's funny because it's about -

Suddenly, a bolt of energy shoots from behind them and hits CHRONAL in the back.

CHRONAL
Argh! What the - what...?

They all turn to look at the MELODRAMATIC VILLAINOUS NEWCOMER behind them. He is a man of about thirty, dark hair and garishly clashing costume accompanying his remarkably dynamic pose. He grins manically.

MELODRAMATIC VILLAINOUS NEWCOMER
Scribblers! I am Skill Swap! And also your Doom! Haha!

SHIFT transforms into a tiger, hackles raised and ready, but CHRONAL stares at his hands.

CHRONAL
He's taken my powers!

KAYLEIGH
O na! Panic!

WRAITH
Lame.

LYRIC
Swapped them, presumably. Maybe you can swap back?

CHRONAL
Yes.

WRAITH
Wait, if you've got his -

He's interrupted as they move. CHRONAL throws an energy bolt like the one he was hit with back at SKILL SWAP just as he blurs, and suddenly SHIFT is in the way of it. The bolt hits her and she instantly transforms back into a naked human, while CHRONAL yells out and sinks to the ground. KAYLEIGH hastily leaps forward with her lab coat to cover SHIFT.

WRAITH
Epic fail.

KAYLEIGH
O na. Hang on...

SHIFT
Argh! I'm naked! Lyric will get one of his Ideas!

LYRIC
Hey!

She automatically tries to use her powers to make clothes, an instinctive move, but it activates her new skill swap power and she accidentally blasts KAYLEIGH.

KAYLEIGH
Argh! The plants have gone!

SHIFT
Argh! The plants have arrived!

CHRONAL
The timelines have gone!

WRAITH
Oh, we are getting annihilated...

LYRIC (stepping towards Kayleigh)
Calm down, everyone! Kayleigh, you need to hit Shift!

KAYLEIGH
Right...

She starts to form an energy bolt; at the split second it's about to leave her hand there is a blur beside her, and suddenly her hand is pointing at LYRIC. He tries to dive out of the way but the bolt catches him anyway.

LYRIC
Oh, frap a small man's -

KAYLEIGH
Oh I need tea -

A small rain of tea appears in the air before her and falls on CHRONAL, who yelps and jumps to the side, landing on a feather -

SHIFT
No! Don't touch that - !

CHRONAL accidentally absorbs the DNA from the feather and sponteineously transforms into a duck in a bundle of costume.

SHIFT
That's not helfpul.

LYRIC
Right.

He hurls the bolt of energy at KAYLEIGH, halfway to her it stops in mid-air, encompassing the shape of a man -

- and WRAITH becomes abruptly visible, holding his communicator.

WRAITH
Argh! You square!

LYRIC
Well what were you doing standing there?!?!

He turns abruptly invisible.

WRAITH
Stay in front of me...

He throws out an energy bolt, but the air blurs and it is intercepted by SKILL SWAP, who grins evilly as WRAITH becomes a panicking blur.

SKILL SWAP
Hahaha! I have pwned you all, Scribblers! And now; goodbye!

He turns and runs away. WRAITH moves to stop him but becomes frozen in place, accidentally slowing himself down. SHIFT moves to attack but accidentally walls herself in with an instant hedge that bursts out of the ground in front of her. KAYLEIGH leaps up but stops, having scared CHRONAL THE DUCK, who flaps in alarm and starts to take off, but is suddenly wrestled to the ground by invisi-LYRIC. SKILL SWAP vanishes around the next bend and is gone.

SHIFT
Oh shit.

LYRIC
Fuck. Fuck everything. Fuck a donkey's -

KAYLEIGH
Don't let him finish that.

WRAITH
I - have - lag - time - - lame -

LYRIC
Oh, god this is shit. Now what?

SHIFT
We need Finesse and Amity. If nothing else Finesse can stop Chronal being a duck.

LYRIC
Amity will bring them here. I think we're all freaking out sufficiently that she'll have realised something's wrong.

Sure enough, at that moment AMITY and FINESSE appear through some trees, AMITY in the lead and looking panicked.

AMITY
You're all here! What is it? What's wrong - ?

FINESSE
Argh!!!! What the hell have you all done to yourselves??!?!?!

AMITY
What? What have they done?

FINESSE
They're all... wrong! Their powers have switched!

LYRIC ('s voice)
Yes, funny story, we met a bad guy called Skill Swap, now we're conflated. Can you make me not invisible now?

Mutely, FINESSE complies. LYRIC suddenly snaps into view again as WRAITH abruptly becomes normal speed and CHRONAL THE DUCK morphs back into CHRONAL. Everyone stands up uncertainly, SHIFT now clad in a combination of lab coat and ivy leaves wound around her.

No one speaks for a second.

FINESSE
Right.

(beat)

Right. Okay.

(beat)

Back to the Pit. Now.

Scene the Next. In Da Pit. Everyone is sitting around in states of shock, gripping mugs of tea. SHIFT is wearing some borrowed clothes from KAYLEIGH. FINESSE is pacing back and forth, clearly agitated. WRAITH is drawing something, his hand blurring over the page under FINESSE's watchful eye.

SHIFT
Screw him! I hate him! I just don't own clothes anymore, though. And who'd have thought plants could think so much?

LYRIC
I cannot fucking believe I'm invisible.

SHIFT
So's your face.

LYRIC
I know!!

KAYLEIGH
Everyone's words have gone weird. I don't like it...

FINESSE
That was clearly well-planned, though. To get you all to mix each other up... then to take his own powers back... that's very well-planned.

SHIFT
Is this permanent?

FINESSE
Yes. Oh, yes. DNA change and everything.

KAYLEIGH
O na.

FINESSE (to AMITY)
How is everyone?

AMITY
Freaking out. Holding it together by the skin of their teeth.

CHRONAL shivers and turns into a duck. FINESSE waves a hand at him without looking and he pops back into human form, but still covered in feathers.

AMITY
But that's not helping.

CHRONAL
It's the clothes thing. I keep being naked.

LYRIC
Better naked than invisible.

SHIFT
That's what you would say. Although I suppose we should all be grateful that you're not getting one of your Ideas about being invisible.

LYRIC
I'm - hmm. Actually...

WRAITH
Here. This is Captain Loser.

He hands FINESSE a sketch of SKILL SWAP, complete with terrible costume. She looks at it for a second, then nods.

FINESSE
Right. I'm going to The Costume Company to find out about this guy. Amity, see what you can do about the PTSD this lot are suffering from. Keep all the windows and doors closed in case Chronal changes again, and start teaching each other about your powers. Keep your communicators at the ready, too. I'll be in touch.

Scene the Next. Finesse barges into the Costume Company and flicks a hand at BLODWEN, who beams.

BLODWEN
Hello! Good to see you again.

FINESSE
You too. I've got a favour to ask, though.

BLODWEN
Really? Of me?

FINESSE
This hideous abomination of a costume. Is this one of yours?

She holds up the sketch, and BLODWEN takes it thoughtfully.

BLODWEN
Hmm. Not all of it, fortunately, but those gloves definitely are. They're part of our Energy Synchronicity range. You know; people with pyrokinesis who don't want to burn off their own gloves, that kind of thing.

FINESSE
Any way to find out who bought those ones?

BLODWEN
Well...

She pauses, looking around furtively, and steps closer to FINESSE.

BLODWEN
I'm not supposed to tell you customer information, but screw it. You're a Scribbler and I'm talking to you on my feet. These gloves last for a long, long time; most people buy them with a full costume, but we sent a big shipment of the gloves only to Retcon a few days ago.

FINESSE
Retcon, eh? How many days ago?

BLODWEN
Tuesday, would have been.

FINESSE
And then they set up shop on Wednesday. That seems planned. Thanks Blodwen.

BLODWEN
Wednesday? But Retcon have been around for ages.

FINESSE
Yes. Since Wednesday. See you again soon.

Scene the Meanwhile: in Da Pit. Everyone is wandering morosely around the training room, trying to get to grips with each other's powers. SHIFT is now wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt while trying to contain a crazily overgrowing rose bush. LYRIC is invisible again, being helped by a slightly too quick WRAITH. AMITY is holding CHRONAL THE DUCK in her arms, trying to help him change back. KAYLEIGH is calmly making tea.

AMITY
I think he loses too much of himself in the change. I can calm him down, and he seems to want to hang around with us, but that's about it. He's just a calm, friendly duck.

SHIFT
Ah, it was a while before I could control it. Although I was hampered by having this whole Thing whereby I have an evil subconscious, so maybe it'll be easier for Chronal.

LYRIC
One day, you'll explain that.

CHRONAL
Quack.

KAYLEIGH
Would tea help?

AMITY
Tea would be splendid. For me.

WRAITH
You've just got to make the light bounce off you.

LYRIC
But why would it not be bouncing off me already?

WRAITH
I don't know. Instinct? A loser gene?

SHIFT
You're so suave even light doesn't want to hit you. Ooh, I've done it! It's no longer growing.

KAYLEIGH
At all?

SHIFT
... no.

KAYLEIGH
O diar.

Suddenly, CHRONAL THE DUCK sneezes and becomes naked!CHRONAL again. AMITY hands him a dressing gown.

AMITY
Any better?

CHRONAL
I want to go swimming. And learn to make clothes. And eat slugs, and I'm very upset about that part. Any word from Finesse yet?

AMITY
Not yet.

The big sixties sci-fi video phone thing suddenly flickers into life. FINESSE's face appears on the screen.

FINESSE
Hello, children. How's tricks?

CHRONAL
Finesse! It's all gone wrong in your absense! Genuinely, for once!

LYRIC
Why am I still invisible?

FINESSE
Your instinct to dodge is making you try to avoid light beams hitting you. Chronal, are you human for a minute?

CHRONAL
Yes. But I keep being a duck or naked, Finesse. How do I stop?

FINESSE
Self-control. And learn feathers, talk to Shift. Anyway; I'm about to go into Retcon. What did you pick up from there?

CHRONAL
It was part of two timelines; one in which it was established six years ago and one in which it was established two days ago.

AMITY
And everyone believes the six years one. I've had a look, but my powers aren't really designed to measure that sort of thing...

FINESSE
I know. What did you get?

AMITY
I think it's like hypnosis. Mental suggestion. Planted in everyone's minds and then left to grow by itself.

FINESSE
Okay. Well, I'm going in. If I don't report in ten minutes I'm probably in trouble.

LYRIC
We'll send Amity in after you.

AMITY
Is that wise?

LYRIC
It can be a game.

AMITY
Okay!

CHRONAL
Good luck.

FINESSE
Cheers.

She signs off, and CHRONAL sneezes back into a duck. SHIFT shakes her head.

SHIFT
Trouble is, feathers are tricky to make into a body covering. It's not natural for mammals, see? Fur would be easier.

AMITY
Fur? Hmm.

Scene the Next. Finesse is standing outside the Retcon office, looking up at it. It's a slick, modern-built, professional-looking affair, with a glass front and several floors and a large, firmly-closed door. A sign beside it reads 'Retcon: Dinas Branch. Please ring the bell to speak to reception. No audience without an appointment.' FINESSE smiles, and walks boldly up to the door.

FINESSE
Open up!

She presses the bell, and a security guard inside turns and puts his hand on the door handle -

- and rips the entire door out of its frame. He stares at it in shock as three other guards come running across the reception foyer.

GUARD #1
I... what did I...?

GUARD #2
Dude! What the hell did you do that for?

GUARD #3
The whole door!

GUARD #1
But I didn't! I didn't mean to!

FINESSE
Super strength, eh? Unpredictable.

GUARD #1
But I've never -

GUARD #2
Er, can we help you?

FINESSE
Well, she can.

She looks at the fourth GUARD, who blinks and looks confused. The other GUARDS suddenly turn and stare at her in a creepy way, like FatUglyFour-eyedGingerCripples.

GUARD #4
I can?

FINESSE
Oh yes. Gentlemen; this lady would like to know two things. Firstly, where might the manager of this establishment be found?

GUARD #3
Top floor, main office. It's Mr Reynolds.

GUARD #4
Wait, what are you guys doing?

FINESSE
She's very grateful. Secondly, where might your employee and personnel records be kept?

GUARD#2
Human resources, second floor, honey.

GUARD #4
You've activated my powers!

FINESSE
You did ask if you could help. And now -

She flicks an arm at GUARD #2 and they all fall down asleep. FINESSE steps over them and walks towards the back of the foyer. At the reception desk the receptionist is hastily pressing an alarm button, and leaps away as FINESSE nears.

RECEPTIONIST
You can't come in here! You don't have an appointment!

FINESSE
Yes I do. Retcon it. Fascinating powers you have, by the way.

RECEPTIONIST
How do you know?

FINESSE
Trade secret.

She stops in front of the elevator and the doors slide open. The GUARDS inside start to run out at her and FINESSE grins at the first; suddenly they all fall to the floor, clutching their heads dizzily. She steps over and into the elevator, which takes her up to the first floor. The doors slide open to reveal three more people, one with glowing energy around her hands, one with a freaky look on her face and one man whose body is surrounded by an electrical haze, flickering back and forth. As FINESSE steps out of the doors the energy woman suddenly screams and runs away; the electrical man shrieks and gets sucked into a plug socket a foot away; and the freaky-looking woman opens her mouth to speak and gets punched in the face by FINESSE.

FINESSE
Psycho. Icky, icky powers.

She moves on to Human Resources, a door at the end of the corridor. Just in front of the door a plug socket behind her crackles and the electrical man shoots out and re-forms.

ELECTRICAL RETCON EMPLOYEE
Stop, Scribbler!

FINESSE sniffs as she pushes the door open and ELECTRICAL RETCON EMPLOYEE gets yanked upwards and into the lights.

FINESSE
No. Now; are you people HR?

A room full of six fat, smoking women look up from their computer screens, churlish and bored. One of them is on Facebook. Another is turning down a request for holiday leave from an employee. Miserable bitches.

HR WOMAN #1
You can't have this weekend off. It'll have to be Tuesday.

FINESSE
Wow. That's a power that's perfectly suited to your job, isn't it? This man.

She holds up the sketch of Skill Swap.

FINESSE
Is he on your pay roll?

HR WOMAN #2
We can't give away employee details. You'll have to -

FINESSE waves a hand and the accumulated smoke in the room all suddenly rushes into HR WOMAN #2's lungs, making her choke. A few others stand up, alarmed. FINESSE walks over to HR WOMAN #2 and pushes her wheely chair away with one foot, taking out her communicator and pressing a button on the side. A USB port clicks out of one end, which FINESSE inserts into the computer. Images start flashing across the screen.

FINESSE (to herself)
Thank you, Chronal.

HR WOMAN #3
Vera? Are you alright?

HR WOMAN #4
What on earth happened?

HR WOMAN #1
Wait... she's downloading our server!

FINESSE
Am I really? I'm so sorry.

HR WOMAN #1
I'm calling security!

There's a crackling noise, and the ELECTRICAL MAN bursts out of the internet socket on the wall.

ELECTRICAL RETCON EMPLOYEE
You can't -

He gets abruptly sucked into the USB pen with a squeal. FINESSE pauses.

FINESSE
Um... oops. A bit too much, probably.

He flies back out of it and straight into the photocopier across the room. Meanwhile, the images on the screen stop, and she disconnects the communicator.

Scene the Meanwhile, in Da Pit. LYRIC is mostly visible now, while KAYLEIGH seems to be surrounded by an odd collection of items that are all ancient and Celtic-looking. SHIFT is making some strands of ivy grow around a pole. CHRONAL is looking warily at a cat hair held by AMITY. WRAITH is zipping up and down the room, using his super speed.

CHRONAL
I'm not convinced.

AMITY
It's alright! Sneezing knocks you back again, and as we've just proven, I can make you sneeze. It's like a game!

CHRONAL
What if it doesn't work on cats?

SHIFT
Cats sneeze more than ducks. And anyway, you'd be surprised at how much of a weapon a cat can be. Truly you would.

KAYLEIGH
You won't be stuck that way, anyway. Finesse could change you back.

CHRONAL
But I -

SHIFT
Do you realise how lucky you are? Cats are so much better than sqirrels!

CHRONAL
What on earth does that have to do with this?

SHIFT
Being fifteen wasn't a fun time for me...

AMITY
Oh, for heaven's sake, take it!

CHRONAL
Oh, alright!

He tentatively pokes the cat hair, and abruptly is a cat. A big, Norwegian Forest Cat to be precise, with a white face, a black mane reaching right around under his chin and a big black tail. He instantly sets about attacking AMITY's hair happily, rolling around.

AMITY
Oh, he's so cute as a cat!

LYRIC
The point is for you to change him back again, madam, not play with him.

AMITY
I will in a bit.

The vid-screen blinks into life, revealing FINESSE.

FINESSE
Hello, children.

SHIFT
Finesse! I made ivy, look. Any luck?

FINESSE
Okay so far. I've found Skill Swap on the Retcon system, as well as everyone else they employ. You should be receiving the data now. How are things at that end?

AMITY
Look at how cute a cat Chronal makes!

She hoists him into the air.

CHRONAL
Miaow?

FINESSE
Whatever.

KAYLEIGH
I can make teaspoons! Not much use, but I can still make tea.

LYRIC
You know, you ought to be able to make plants.

KAYLEIGH
Really?

WRAITH
Your Mam called, by the way. She says she hates you.

FINESSE
Yeah? Yours called earlier. She said she loves you and is going to try to visit more often.

WRAITH
... Low blow.

FINESSE
I'll keep going. I'll be in touch.

The screen flickers off again.

WRAITH
We've got the data. I'll put it in the system, since Chronal's off being a cat for a while. Like he's having some sort of holiday or something.

LYRIC
You know he wouldn't be if Amity would just turn him back.

AMITY
But I like cats.

Suddenly, the Kirk-Spock-giant-lollipop-sticks!music plays from beneath the vid-screen. The Scribblers stare at it in horror.

LYRIC
Oh, what? Dock a child's -

WRAITH
Now? Could this be worse timing? We'll get annihilated!

AMITY
I'll answer.

She wanders glumly over to the vid-screen and accepts the incoming message. Instantly a comedy villain's face fills the screen; a man in his fifties, ludicrous moustache, top hat and circus ring master clothing. He's even holding a lion tamer's whip.

RING MASTER
Scribblers! Your doom is nigh!

SHIFT
Why do they all start like that?

WRAITH
Ten pence says he makes a circus pun.

RING MASTER
I am the Ring Master, and I challenge you to battle! Come one, come all to the tober tonight, the great world-reknowned Battle Ground, for the greatest stick and rag show ever seen!

LYRIC (snigger)
He said 'come'.

SHIFT
He also said an awful lot of circus terms. Ten pence well-called, Wraith.

WRAITH
Wins.

AMITY
It's also the Battle Field, not the Battle Ground.

KAYLEIGH
I thought it was.

RING MASTER
Doors open in an hour, Scribblers! Don't be late!

The vid-screen flickers off. A shocked silence fills the room.

SHIFT
Did he just say an hour?

LYRIC
Dock a monkey's cu-

SHIFT
An hour?

KAYLEIGH
O na.

WRAITH
DO NOT WANT.

CHRONAL
Mmerow?

AMITY
Right! Everyone: chins up!

They all calm down and smile. AMITY nods.

AMITY
That's better. Now: Shift? Any plan ideas?

SHIFT
Did anyone recognise him?

KAYLEIGH
Actually, I think I've heard of him. He attacks heroes and adds them to his circus if he wins, I think. I don't know how.

WRAITH
Lame.

AMITY
He wants us as circus performers? Like animals? But... don't circuses treat animals horrendously badly?

SHIFT
Hmm. Lucky break for me, then. Sorry Chronal.

CHRONAL
Miaow.

SHIFT
We'll have to fight him, though. You can't turn down Battle Field Challenges. We're going to have to go to some Big Lunatic Clown's tent so that I can hit him with a fern while Kayleigh pelts him with teaspoons, Wraith gets frozen in place, Chronal slinks off to catch a mouse and Amity provides the only useful fighting force.

LYRIC
What about me?

WRAITH
Well, my boy Lyric, you'll be off sexually assaulting the audience invisibly.

KAYLEIGH
Wow, I hope Finesse hurries up.

Scene the Meanwhile: back in Retcon. FINESSE is moving through a long office-like room, various people running at her.

FINESSE
This is getting tiresome.

A man with stretchy powers reaches out for her; she flicks a hand and he accidently ties himself up. A woman throws out an arm, but suddenly finds herself sinking through the floor. Another woman with completely black eyes runs forward, but a group of three identical men to FINESSE's other side suddenly yelp, their own eyes going black as they sink to the floor. She is almost at the door when ELECTRICAL RETCON EMPLOYEE drops down out of the lights in front of her, rematerialising.

ELECTRICAL RETCON EMPLOYEE
I have you now-

FINESSE (slightly irritably)
Why are you still bothering me?

He squeals as he is torn toward a computer terminal, taking out the black-eyed woman as he goes. The office is now devoid of combatants. FINESSE keeps on toward the door.

PRONE STRETCHY MAN
Um... I need... help...

FINESSE
Do tell.

She is about four metres from the door when it suddenly opens, revealing CHILLBLANE, the guy in blue from the Costume Company, holding one of the power removey devices from that script that Iceduck wrote about the building that went missing and it turned out to be Eraser, remember that one? That was a good one. She tenses and holds out an arm; frost just begins to form over his skin -

- and then he points the device at himself and activates it. Instantly, the frost stops and melts off. He and FINESSE stare at each other, warily.

CHILLBLANE
You have good powers.

FINESSE
Thank you. You have good common sense.

CHILLBLANE
Thank you.

They watch each other for a few more seconds.

FINESSE
If I were more paranoid, I'd suspect that you'd depowered yourself to make both you and that device invulnerable to me from a distance.

CHILLBLANE
Oh?

FINESSE
Which would, of, course, in turn mean that you could use it on me and then have any number of people in this building apprehend me.

CHILLBLANE
If I wanted you apprehended, that would be the best course of action.

FINESSE
It would, wouldn't it? Very clever.

CHILLBLANE
Except for your fighting skills, stemming from your considerable experience as a superhero.

FINESSE
It's good to see you take them into consideration.

CHILLBLANE
And there's Sid to consider.

FINESSE
Sid?

CHILLBLANE
The electric guy you keep throwing into the mainframe. He gets terrible motion-sickness, you know.

FINESSE
Ah.

CHILLBLANE
I imagine if I tried to shoot you with this, you'd probably throw Sid at me.

FINESSE
That was my plan, yes.

There's another pause, and then they both relax slightly. CHILLBLANE carefully puts the device on the nearest desk and backs away.

CHILLBLANE
Welcome to Retcon. I doubt anyone's said that to you yet.

FINESSE
It's a faceless corporation. Surely no one's said it to you yet, either?

CHILLBLANE
Very true. Although my last work experience kid complained about that, can you believe that?

FINESSE
Really? As in, just complained to the world at large, or - ?

CHILLBLANE
Oh, no. To Human Resources.

FINESSE
Seriously? That pack of miserable bitches on the second floor?

CHILLBLANE
Almost certainly. I see you've met.

FINESSE
I had the displeasure. This man.

She holds up the sketch of Skill Swap.

FINESSE
Why did he attack my team today?

CHILLBLANE
According to our Oracle, he's been taking bribes.

FINESSE
Rest assured I will be asking you what that Oracle is at a later date, but for now; from whom?

CHILLBLANE
Good use of 'whom'.

FINESSE
Thank you.

CHILLBLANE
You're welcome. From a man known as the Ring Master. He's a supervillain, been about for two years since Tuesday. He captures heroes and then puts them to work in his circus. My best guess would be that he wanted you all sufficiently mixed up that you'd be easier to catch.

FINESSE
Why would -

She pauses as her communicator beeps, and answers it without looking away from CHILLBLANE.

FINESSE
Go ahead.

AMITY
Um, we've got a problem. An angry-looking gentleman in a moustache calling himself the Ring Master wants us to fight him in less than an hour to make us into clowns. I don't like clowns.

FINESSE
The hell he will. Meet him and stall him. I'll bring you Skill Swap.

AMITY
Splendid! There's a time limit, remember!

FINESSE
Are you playing this as a game?

AMITY
...yes?

FINESSE
I thought so.

(beat)

Are we winning?

AMITY
Yes!

FINESSE
Excellent!

She hangs up, and turns back to CHILLBLANE.

FINESSE
You seem willing to help. Why?

CHILLBLANE
I don't like corruption in important public services.

FINESSE
We are also going to discuss 'important public services' at a later point. For now, though, I need to get my hands on Skill Swap.

CHILLBLANE
He'll be hiding. He's that kind of person. I might be able to get a message to him, but that's about it.

FINESSE
A message?

(beat)

Actually, that might work...

Scene the Next: the Battle Field. Normally it's just a field with a very high wall around it, but today there are a few tents and things set up about it and one big, massive pavillion in the middle into which members of the public are trickling, buying tickets at the entrance. A few enterprising members of the public have started up a barbecue. The Scribblers arrive and look around themselves. CHRONAL is clad only in a layer of fur.

FINESSE
How's everyone doing?

CHRONAL
I think I might still have whiskers.

FINESSE
You have. I like the fur, though. Amity?

AMITY
They're nervous and irritable.

FINESSE
Amity?

AMITY
They're calmly confident in the face of adversity.

FINESSE
Better.

LYRIC
I wonder if Mr Twat is here yet?

SHIFT
It's funny because you mean Skill Swap.

FINESSE
So do I. He might be in the pavillion, of course. There are so many powers about the place that I can't feel anything that might be him from this distance.

WRAITH
I'm hungry. I think we should go in.

LYRIC
Yeah. Shall we get it over with?

FINESSE
Pretty much blindly. Seriously, this is annoying. I could have sent Shift scouting about in bat form, Wraith scouting about invisibly and Chronal in a time bubble. Instead, the best we can do is approach invisibly.

AMITY
You're angrier than you should be.

FINESSE
Yes, well, you realise this isn't actually a game, yes?

AMITY
I mean it.

FINESSE
I don't like clowns.

KAYLEIGH
Duw, no, me neither. We'll look like emos.

WRAITH
Lame.

KAYLEIGH
And the face-paint will clash with my hair.

A clump of hair appears in front of them and falls to the ground. They all ignore it.

AMITY
I think it's more that your team has been hurt and now you're consumed with over-protective rage.

WRAITH
I think it's the clowns.

FINESSE (to AMITY)
Can we do this later?

AMITY
Good idea!

FINESSE
Come on, gang.

She pokes LYRIC in the ribs, who squeals in a really girly way, by the way, and makes them all invisible. They set off to the pavillion, dodging circus customers and candy floss stands.

KAYLEIGH
Is it wrong I want candy floss?

CHRONAL
Absolutely. There is never an excuse for candy floss.

SHIFT
Except for voluntary tooth rot.

LYRIC
I can imagine few things I'd want less. I like my teeth.

SHIFT
They are shiny and pearly white and oh so pretty.

WRAITH
They are the enemy of tooth rot.

AMITY
This conversation has become distinctly odd.

Just as they all arrive at the pavillion, BLODWEN goes in ahead of them, clutching an ice cream in one hand and a ticket in the other and looking slightly bemused. A clown greets her to send her to her seat and she flips upside down, losing the ice cream.

AMITY
Oh, gods...

KAYLEIGH
What on earth just happened to the poor little hwntw girl?

CHRONAL
We're in the middle of Wales.

KAYLEIGH
Even?

LYRIC
It's her super power. It makes Amity sad, though, so we try not to mention it.

AMITY
Finesse is happy.

FINESSE
Oh, my plans are coming to fruition! Skill Swap is here. Come on; we need to get backstage I think.

SHIFT
Tell you what, this grass does not like being trodden on...

KAYLEIGH
Oh, grass never does. It's more emo than clowns, you just have to ignore it.

They wander around to a roped-off section where a group of four surly clowns are standing. Smoking, the bastards. CHRONAL steps forwards and punches each one squarely in the temples to knock them out.

AMITY
Well, now, that was completely uncalled for.

CHRONAL
They were smoking.

AMITY
Hmm. True.

CHRONAL
I think I'll rub my fur against their noses while I'm here. With luck they'll be allergic.

SHIFT
Only if you've been licking yourself. It's not the fur that's allergenic. Have you been licking yourself?

CHRONAL
... A bit.

LYRIC
I am Lyric's immense jealousy. I'd love to have an excuse to lick myself.

WRAITH
Umm, has it occurred to anyone else that we're going to be fighting in front of a giga-crowd?

LYRIC
Yes. I'm sort of looking forward to it.

WRAITH
Says invisi-you.

LYRIC
That's what'll be a shame.

WRAITH
This is lame beyond anything else we've ever done.

FINESSE
Amity?

AMITY
Chin up, Wraith!

LYRIC
You know, I don't like to question, but Amity is doing a lot of mind-meddling at us lately.

FINESSE
Don't question, then. Time's up; we all ready?

WRAITH
No.

AMITY
Wraith.

WRAITH
Yes.

FINESSE
Let's go, then.

They walk through into the pavillion. About twenty thousand people (Liberty Stadium sized) are in tiered seats around them, cheering and waving lots of Scribblers banners. In the middle stands the RING MASTER, outrageously camp outfit and all. A VIP box sits along the side of the ring in which SKILL SWAP is visible towards the back, dressed in a suit this time and trying to blend in. As they approach the RING MASTER grins maniacally, spreading his arms wide expansively. He is wearing one of those tiny microphones clipped to a lapel.

RING MASTER
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the main act! Here, for your pleasure, for the first time ever in front of a live audience: the Scribblers!

The audience go mental.

SHIFT
Oh, so he wanted us to look like specials before he captured us.

FINESSE
He does that creepily, by the way. Don't let him get a hand on either side of your head and make eye contact; it's like instant brain-washing.

SHIFT
But that's a bit...

LYRIC
Faffy.

WRAITH
Haha! Lyric said 'faffy'.

CHRONAL
I don't think that's a real word.

KAYLEIGH
Yes it is. It looks like a complicated cloud.

They look at her.

KAYLEIGH
Lyric's powers are weird. Stop looking at me.

RING MASTER
And here to help with the show is the one, the only, Circus Troop!

The audience applaud as people dressed as clowns start to stream in, all looking a bit vacant and glassy-eyed. There are about sixty of them, moving creepily and fluidly until they surround the Scribblers.

FINESSE
Bugger. Most of them have powers. Mostly ninja-type stuff, though.

LYRIC
I wish I had Ystradebol.

FINESSE
I'm working on it. Chronal?

CHRONAL
How useful will I be as a duck?

FINESSE
Not very. We're going to start by working our way toward the VIP box if possible, okay?

CHRONAL
Alright...

RING MASTER
And now! Let the activities commence!

Instantly, the CLOWNS move. Most do indeed have ninja-type powers, generally flexibility or agility, and all can fight. One leaps at KAYLEIGH, who smacks him across the face with a trowel. Four more spring in to get her, but SHIFT throws a handful of seeds at them and bindweed erupts seemingly out of nothing, wrapping them up tightly, and she punches the next one in the face. WRAITH meanwhile manages to speed himself up and start fighting about fifteen at once, doing the super-speedy thing. LYRIC flicks invisible and goes ninja on them. AMITY holds up a hand at an oncoming wave and they falter; she grimaces.

AMITY
I think... I can... free them, but... not easily...

FINESSE
Keep on it!

One or two of the CLOWNS AMITY is attacking suddenly spasm and drop to the floor unconscious as the mind-control breaks, and she starts on the next ones. FINESSE and CHRONAL start fighting, moving their way towards the VIP box. It's going well, but suddenly, non-ninja CLOWNS appear! Noes! One whips up a fog around SHIFT and the plant life there starts dying; another sprays an inky substance out of a comically large flower at WRAITH, who slows down; another raises an arm and shoots a high pressure jet of water at AMITY, which at the last second is intercepted by LYRIC who is knocked to the floor; another has fire sprouting from his hands, menacing CHRONAL and FINESSE just as they near the VIP box -

SHIFT
The plants! Their noble stems are withering!

AMITY
Keep it together!

KAYLEIGH
Teaspoons!

A sackload of teaspoons appear in the air above a CLOWN's head and rain down painfully upon him.

KAYLEIGH
Ha! I knew they'd come in handy.

FINESSE
I have to keep this one contained in here! There are too many civilians, and we're under canvas!

CHRONAL
I can't make him swap with me alone! I can't even tell which one he is!

FINESSE
Fighting dirty it is, then.

She kicks FIERY CLOWN in the chin and grips CHRONAL about the scruff of the neck, turning him into a cat. As FIERY CLOWN starts to rise she hurls CHRONAL into the VIP box -

- he yowls and lashes out -

- and hits SKILL SWAP squarely in the face, who screams and flails wildly.

FINESSE
Everyone duck!

They flatten themselves to the floor as FIERY CLOWN shoots out a wave of fire that bends at FINESSE's prompting, burning off the mist killing SHIFT's plants; then WATERY CLOWN suddenly power-hoses FIERY CLOWN, knocking him out. LYRIC rolls over as they all rejoin the fight, coughing and spluttering. Suavely though, mind.

SHIFT
Ha! Screw you, clowns!

LYRIC
Cheers. That was the enemy of fun.

KAYLEIGH
Where's Chronal?

FINESSE
Hopefully, any second now -

There's a sudden flash from the VIP box, and CHRONAL falls, naked, on top of SKILL SWAP, all but crushing him.

CHRONAL (muffled)
Woohoo!

FINESSE
Champion. Kayleigh?

KAYLEIGH
Certainly.

She and FINESSE switch places hastily, KAYLEIGH pulling a rucksck off her back and lobbing it into the VIP box after CHRONAL, who pulls his costume out of it.

WRAITH
Hurry up, you nagger! People can see me!

AMITY
I've nearly got them all - dammit! They're sending in more of them!

LYRIC
This is tiresome in the extreme...

FINESSE
Just keep fighting! I'll handle the rest.

CHRONAL punches SKILL SWAP in the face one last time before hurdling the wall of the VIP box and leaping back into the fray. FINESSE positions him between WRAITH and herself and starts pushing him towards WRAITH. Meanwhile, a new clown suddenly appears at the edge of the ring. He is MASSIVE CLOWN. He is massive. The RING MASTER grins, pointing towards WRAITH.

RING MASTER
There, Mungo! The swift one! Kill him!

WRAITH
Lame, DO NOT WANT, lame, I hate chavvy clowns -

And suddenly, MASSIVE CLOWN is charging toward them, sweeping other CLOWNS out of the way with his MASSIVE HANDS. WRAITH automatically moves to turn invisible, but accidentally slows himself down, freezing himself in place. MASSIVE CLOWN bears down on him -

- FINESSE shoves CHRONAL towards WRAITH, while AMITY wheels around and pushes LYRIC at him -

- MASSIVE CLOWN reaches WRAITH and raises his MASSIVE FISTS -

- and FINESSE activates CHRONAL's skill swap. The beam of light shoots out and hits WRAITH's frozen form; as he staggers she does it again, andthe beam leaps out of WRAITH and catches invisi-LYRIC in the chest. He turns abruptly visible as WRAITH vanishes, causing MASSIVE CLOWN to stop and scratch his head.

MASSIVE CLOWN
Mungo?

CHRONAL blurs, and MASSIVE CLOWN crumples. CHRONAL grins.

CHRONAL
Yes! Back in the game! No more fear of unusually debilitating sneezing!

KAYLEIGH (smacking a clown with a trowel)
Isn't your sneezing debilitating anyway?

CHRONAL
Well, it doesn't normally come with attached transmorphic risks, I can tell you that much.

FINESSE
Keep going, everyone! Skill Swap's making a run for it.

She hijacks CHRONAL's powers and tears off after SKILL SWAP, dodging a row of popcorn sellers, chavs and BLODWEN, watching wide-eyed from near the front. SKILL SWAP is frozen, running up the steps of the stands; as she gets to him FINESSE kicks him harshly in the back of the knee while unfreezing time and he yelps, falling down as they switch back to normal time. The spectators on either side jump at the sudden appearance of attacking superheroes in their midst.

SKILL SWAP
No! Let me go! It wasn't my idea!

FINESSE
Evidently. You're a moron.

They start fighting. Back in the Ring KAYLEIGH is surrounded by CLOWNS bearing down on her; two suddenly burst into tears and run away as AMITY throws a hand in their direction. KAYLEIGH swings her trowel at a third, who grabs her wrist and pulls her forward off-balance -

- he brings his fist around -

- and suddenly an energy bolt hits KAYLEIGH in the shoulder, and bindweed springs up from the ground around her and drags the clown down as SHIFT leaps forward.

KAYLEIGH
Excellent! The words are gone!

LYRIC
The words are back! Ha ha! Which means -

He turns to an oncoming tide of CLOWNS, who suddenly look appropriately nervous in spite of the brain-washing.

LYRIC
Ystradebol.

The air swirls by his hand and a sword forms. LYRIC grins evilly.

LYRIC
Captain Awesome.

WRAITH (OOV)
Is that your new code name?

CHRONAL
If it is, I don't approve. We all want to be our own critics, Lyric.

AMITY
Ooh, last two of us, guys, come on! Then we can all go and have tea!

KAYLEIGH
My turn, then, and without hitting anyone else...

KAYLEIGH is very straight-forward. She turns and just runs headlong at SHIFT and lets the ensuing collision take care of it. Two seconds later the pair of them are on the floor, SHIFT looking somewhat bemused.

SHIFT
And I thought I only had to fear surprise rugby tackles from Finesse.

KAYLEIGH
Yes! The plants are back! I hate clowns!

SHIFT
So do I. I'm having such a bad day.

AMITY
Get over to the stands, quick! Finesse has got Skill Swap.

SHIFT
Why is he called Skill Swap, though? He's superpowered, not a chocolate bar. That's a full ingredients list of what his powers do.

She jumps to her feet and runs to the stands, the others falling in behind her to cover her; KAYLEIGH uses bindweed to tie CLOWNS to the floor, WRAITH blinds them and ninjas them, CHRONAL runs ahead to take down the ones in the way, LYRIC ninjas them and AMITY keeps snapping them one by one out of the mind control. SHIFT makes it to the edge and jumps over the wall just as FINESSE spins SKILL SWAP around between them, and SHIFT activates an energy bolt -

- which hits SKILL SWAP, who yells and crumples onto the steps, defeated. SHIFT abruptly turns into a tiger and back again, the borrowed clothes falling off and her costume growing out of her skin.

SHIFT
I mean, imagine if you called yourself 'Uses Other People's Powers Girl.' It would completely deaden the air of mystery surrounding you.

AMITY
Yes! We did it!

KAYLEIGH
Go team!

WRAITH
Check our skills.

LYRIC
What about Chirpy McChuckleTits there, though? If we let him go, he'll just do the same thing.

SKILL SWAP (sulkily)
I have a name, you know.

SHIFT
Yes, we've established that.

KAYLEIGH
Your name is a Pokémon ability. That's not a name, it's a cry for help.

FINESSE
It's in hand, anyway; one last go.

She holds out a hand at SKILL SWAP and the beam of energy leaves his chest and shoots into the crowd. SKILL SWAP looks abruptly horrified.

SKILL SWAP
No! What have you done?

FINESSE
Hello, Skill Swap.

SKILL SWAP
Argh!

He turns suddenly and involuntarily upside down, frozen on his head. AMITY laughs happily and claps as BLODWEN steps forward, looking shocked.

BLODWEN
You just... you got rid of my power?

AMITY
She did! You're free! Although, you have a new one now. Careful with that.

FINESSE
Speaking of careful, let's go and beat up a Ring Master.

AMITY
Oh, do let's!

LYRIC
Jesus, when we say you're like Anne we're joking, you know...

They jump back into the ring, but it's a short fight from here, got to be honest. Much punching of CLOWNS, much mental de-programming, LYRIC is a nutter with a sword, you know how it goes. Finally they get near a now worried-looking RING MASTER and surround him loosely. He grins nervously.

RING MASTER
Ah, Scribblers. Yes. Um... Well done. You've put on an excellent show.

CHRONAL
An excellent show?! I was a cat, man! A cat!

AMITY
You made a lovely cat. I'll miss you as a cat.

KAYLEIGH
Isn't Shift always a cat?

FINESSE
Yes, and it's a bugger when she starts shredding my belt.

SHIFT
You know I can't help that.

FINESSE
You could if you weren't a cat.

CHRONAL
And then I was a duck! I wanted to eat slugs! What kind of monster are you? I was naked!

LYRIC
I'd have liked that, I think.

WRAITH
So why are we here, Clown Man?

RING MASTER
I am a slave to the public, Scribblers! I must entertain!

AMITY
...Why do you hate me?

They all pause and stare at AMITY, who looks morose.

LYRIC
What? He hates you?

AMITY
Yes. He really hates me. But why me? Why would he hate me?

WRAITH
You broke his mind-clowns.

AMITY
But so did - oh. He really hates you, too, apparently.

WRAITH
Me? Awesome.

RING MASTER
Oh, you would think that was good...

AMITY (sadly)
I don't.

FINESSE
Anyone else?

AMITY
No.

SHIFT
Well that's just mean. Amity's like a kitten, you can't hate her.

RING MASTER
Oh, but I can, Scribblers. Oh I can.

He glares at AMITY, who looks sad. LYRIC hugs her. KAYLEIGH gets her trowel out.

KAYLEIGH
Right! Well. I think it's time I smacked him with gardening implements.

CHRONAL
I have to say... no disrespect to the rest of us, but... you've picked the two least hateable members of the team, there.

SHIFT
Really? Aren't I less hateable than Wraith?

FINESSE
I'd have said you were. But I also hate Wraith.

WRAITH
Shut up, Smellanor.

AMITY
Hang on... you're sort of familiar.

RING MASTER (bitterly)
Oh, I'm sure I am.

AMITY
Wait! You're that chavvy God botherer!

WRAITH
Hey, no capitolising god.

AMITY
Wraith...

FINESSE
Oh really? The one who said Muslims are gay? And you have hypnotising powers? Smack him, Kayleigh.

KAYLEIGH
Excellent! I never get to end the villain!

She does so, repeatedly. He yelps and crouches away from her, trying to defend himself.

CHRONAL
Well, this has been a good day out, overall. Let's go home. Kayleigh has our garden to do.

Scene the Next, back in Da Pit. FINESSE is talking on the vid-screen to some law enforcement people while everyone else is crowding around the computer, looking at the media coverage of their fight. SHIFT is in cat form, purring as AMITY strokes her.

LYRIC
Look at that picture! I look awesome!

KAYLEIGH
You're going to say this to every picture of you, aren't you?

WRAITH
Of course he is. He says it to mirrors, too.

LYRIC
It's a curse, looking this good.

KAYLEIGH
That's why you were invisible. Even the light loved you.

LYRIC
Oh the light is my friend.

AMITY
I quite like that one of me. I think that shade of green actually works quite well!

CHRONAL
Thank god for that. I am not going back to the Costume Company with you.

AMITY
This is so strange, though. Seeing proper pictures of us fighting. The best we usually get is blurry videophone footage.

CHRONAL
Or those courtroom paintings. You know, from that time Wraith sued that guy for libel, and it all kicked off.

WRAITH
Lyric kicked off once.

LYRIC
I did. It wasn't a pretty sight. Is that a picture of Wraith?

CHRONAL
Could be. It's an empty frame.

WRAITH
The way I like it.

KAYLEIGH
That picture! I want that picture! I'm finishing off the Ring Master!

FINESSE finishes on the vid-phone and comes over to join them, picking cat-SHIFT up off the hair and settling her on her lap. Cat-SHIFT instantly starts attacking FINESSE's belt.

FINESSE
All wrapped up. Since his clowns were basically slaves he's going down for a long time, and Skill Swap is being investigated for corruption. Which Retcon claim to have nothing to do with, of course. And, naturally, the evidence supports that.

CHRONAL
Obviously. Who are Retcon, anyway?

FINESSE
I'm not entirely sure still. I'm going to have another chat with Chillblane on Monday, and I've got the files for you to look through. But, it can wait. Any good pictures? I'm really non-photogenic.

CHRONAL
I like this one of you.

FINESSE
I look like a spastic in that one.

AMITY
You look lovely. Can we talk?

FINESSE (wearily)
Fine. Let's go to the balcony so I can survey the land at the same time. Chronal says I'm supposed to do that as leader.

CHRONAL
Shift told me I should. It's her fault really.

Scene the Last, on the balcony. FINESSE is surveying the land, although it's still dark, while AMITY leans on the rail beside her. SHIFT is playing with FINESSE's belt as a cat still.

AMITY
You have issues, you know.

FINESSE
Everyone has issues. Stop picking on me.

AMITY
When we played that terrible game you nearly killed Eraser after she took Lyric's tongue. Sintaro and the rest of them are still catatonic in hospital from you making Discord attack them after they killed clone-usses, and I felt your emotions then. Even before that your nightmare was to get us killed and you were already blaming yourself. Since that appalling man from the future came you've done a search on our database for anyone called the 'Monk' six times, and you've struck Brecon Monastery and the Hare Krishnas off our visitors and donations lists, and today when everyone was messed up I thought you were going to actually kill someone at one or two points.

FINESSE sighs. Beside her, SHIFT morphs back into a human but stays sitting at her feet, batting at the belt apparently without noticing.

FINESSE
It's a lot of responsibility. Leading a team. It just -

AMITY
Except you were like it anyway. Remember that time Sintaro set fire to Shift? You - yes, exactly. You're having the same emotional response now as you did then. Leader or not, it doesn't matter; you're over-protective. You've just got worse.

FINESSE
I know.

(beat)

I don't think there's much I can do about that, though.

AMITY
You need more objectivity. It's not your fault when things happen to us, you know. We don't blame you, and nor should we. We wouldn't be superheroes if we couldn't take the risks.

SHIFT
And I'd be a squirrel still if it weren't for you.

FINESSE
Hah! True. I think I still have the scars from climbing that tree.

SHIFT
I think you have them from falling out.

FINESSE
Leave my belt alone.

SHIFT
Sorry.

The door opens behind them, and KAYLEIGH comes out with a handful of carrots in one hand and WRAITH behind her.

KAYLEIGH
Hey, plantos. I grew you some Delicious Vegetables. Chronal said you wouldn't accept anything less.

SHIFT
Well that's definitely true. Pleasingly Tasty Vegetables just don't have the same piquancy.

FINESSE
Did you weed for us, too?

KAYLEIGH
I did indeed.

FINESSE
Excellent! Then you've earned your keep.

WRAITH
That means you don't have to sleep with Lyric now in order to stay.

KAYLEIGH
... That was a risk?

SHIFT
It's a risk all visitors must take. We don't tell them, though. Otherwise they wouldn't visit.

FINESSE
Yeah. Although, now Wraith will have to sleep with Lyric, so he may be unhappy.

WRAITH
Epic Fail.