Scribblers: Going Green

Well, I'm told by Iceduck that this is post Number Three Hundred on ScribblePit! Hooray! I thought I'd give it a nice air of completion by making it the end to a story I started ages ago but hadn't finished, so here we are: Scribblers. A bit rough, still, but I wanted 300.


Scribblers: Go Green
Issue Three

Scene the First: the National Assembly of Wales, Cardiff. It's in Cardiff. AMITY is standing by one of those swanky touch-screen computers around the main meeting room, calmly downloading information onto a USB pen. PROFESSOR CLARKSON is talking to the PRIME MINISTER, trying to convince him to blow up the Heulobattery now (the English now, not the Welsh one). The ENVIRONMENTAL MINISTER is watching her from beside his own touch-screen computer thing, looking all sinister in the shadows.

PROF CLARKSON
But Prime Minister, I really must stress this! We are swiftly running out of time! All evidence points towards the Heulobattery exploding in eleven minutes. That gives us about six minutes to safely do this.

PRIME MINISTER
Stop bothering me, man! I said we trust the Scribblers!

MINISTER FOR BUSES
But, Prime Minister, if I may -

PRIME MINISTER
Yes?

The MINISTER FOR BUSES flinches. AMITY's staring when distracted can have this effect on a person's mind.

MINISTER FOR BUSES
The buses... think of the buses...

PRIME MINISTER
I don't care!

PROF CLARKSON
But, sir...

PRIME MINISTER
Minister for Buses! Spit on this man!

MINISTER FOR BUSES
Meep!

The computer in front of AMITY beeps softly, and she disengages the USB pen and approaches the group of men. The ENVIRONMENTAL MINISTER steps carefully backwards towards the door, watching AMITY.

AMITY
Mr Prime Minister?

PRIME MINISTER
Ah! That nice young Amity! Have you been given tea? Would you like tea? Can't face the end of the world without tea!

AMITY
I - yes! Yes please! I'd love some.

PRIME MINISTER
Minister for buses! Tea, man! Tea!

The poor MINISTER FOR BUSES scuttles away to find tea. Don't worry, though. It's a blessing for him since he gets to be away from the rather enthusiastic PRIME MINISTER.

AMITY
I'm afraid I have some bad news for you though, sir.

PRIME MINISTER
Oh, really? Drat. I hate bad news.

AMITY
Ooh, so do I. Sorry. This is all a fix, though.

PROFESSOR CLARKSON
What?!

PRIME MINISTER
WHAT?!

MINISTER FOR BUSES
Meep!

AMITY plugs the USB into the main computer and opens the files. Incriminating evidence rolls by on the screen.

AMITY
The Heulobattery has been deliberately overloaded by FossCarbon. Professor Pearce-Morgan is an insider for them.

PRIME MINISTER
WHAT?!?!?!?!

PROF CLARKSON
Well, this isn't proof!

AMITY
And here's the proof in the form of Professor Pearce-Morgan's confession on FossCarbon note paper...

PRIME MINISTER
WHAT?!!?????????!!!!!

PROF CLARKSON
Oh, Prime Minister! I assure you, I had no -

AMITY
And, here's the proof that it was masterminded by Professor Clarkson...

PRIME MINISTER
WHAT WHAT WHAT??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

PROF CLARKSON
Er...

AMITY
Oh, and here's the proof that he managed the technical side by colluding with the Environmental Minister.

There is a thud as the MINISTER FOR BUSES faints clean away, narrowly missing throwing his tea tray all over the rather smartly dressed MINISTER FOR EXPRESSION. PROF CLARKSON turns and runs like an absolute spak - all windmilling arms and legs - at the doors. The ENVIRONMENTAL MINISTER shrinks back into the shadows.

MINISTER FOR EXPRESSION
He's getting away!

PRIME MINISTER
Where is security!?? Where?!? Someone stop him!!

AMITY
Allow me, sir.

She raises a hand and suddenly PROF CLARKSON is on his knees, sobbing uncontrollably and hugging himself.

PROF CLARKSON
Why?... But I want it... I want it all... The money...

AMITY (sternly)
That's what you get for trying to break the environment.

PRIME MINISTER
Ah, well done! Good work there, Scribbler! Someone bring tea, immediately!

AMITY
Oh, yes! I do love tea!

PRIME MINISTER
Really, though, where could my security team have gotten to?

ENVIRONMENTAL MINISTER (voice over the intercom)
I'm afraid they are presently indisposed, Prime Minister. As shall you all be, very shortly.

Suddenly, GOONS burst in, all gun-toting and stuff! Oh noes! The assembled ministers scatter, fleeing wildly for doors and running into each other and generally panicking uselessly. They trample the MINISTER FOR BUSES a bit, too, love him. AMITY spins towards the fleeing politicians and raises a hand.

AMITY
Be calm.

As one, the panicking mass slow down and walk calmly to shelter under tables, the still-unconscious MINISTER FOR BUSES dragged away by the MINISTER FOR RECYCLING. AMITY turns back to the GOONS, who by this point have fanned out around her and started pointing guns and things like that. Shocking behaviour.

PRIME MINISTER (from under a desk)
Argh! Goons! Where on earth did they get guns?! I demand an explanation!

AMITY
I'll ask them. Later.

She spreads her arms out.

AMITY
Funny things, phobias. Everyone has one, you know. They're sort of primal; you can be the calmest, toughest, most unflappable person in the world, with no known conscious issues with insects, and yet as soon as lots of them crawl on you...

As she speaks the GOONS suddenly start twitching and yelping, dropping - and in some cases throwing - their guns away from them as though they were holding handfuls of slugs or something. Most even wipe their hands on their clothes, looking distinctly grossed out.

AMITY (evil grin)
Redirection. I love it. And it has so many applications.

GOON#1
Is she -?

GOON#2
Stop it, everyone! We can still take her!

GOON#1
She's in our heads...

GOON#2
Yes, she is! She's also tiny! We can take her!

AMITY
You're not, though.

And indeed, they aren't. They're standing in a loose semi-circle in front of her, looking distinctly edgy and unnerved.

GOON#2
But we will! Come on guys, she can't affect all of us at once!

AMITY
I don't need to.

GOON#1
She's in our heads...

GOON#2
You need to be in all of our heads to stop us all. If we rush you -

AMITY
Yes. Interesting that you haven't so far, isn't it?

GOON#3 (whispering in horror as he curls into a ball)
What has she done...?

AMITY
Phobic redirection. I'm causing all of you to experience a primal fear linked to your perception of me. Like a fear of the dark.

She smiles again. It's very, very frightening.

AMITY
I am the dark.

GOON#2
Except now that you've told me that, Scribbler, I can beat you. I can use logic to overcome you!

AMITY
No, you can't. My powers are essentially chemical-based. You can't beat your own body chemistry. But, that said -

She holds up a hand toward GOON#2, who suddenly screams and falls to the floor, struggling to get away from her.

AMITY
You do seem more resistant than the others. Extra effort for you.

The GOONS all wither, and slowly sit on the floor, hands over their heads. AMITY gives them her brightest smile. The PRIME MINISTER crawls out from under his table, a big ball of indignation.

PRIME MINISTER
But the guns!! Where did they get guns?!! Minister for Buses! Spit on these men! And fetch tea!

Scene the Next: Solariax Ltd. FINESSE, SHIFT and SOLAR are moving through the Solariax main building, SHIFT as a bee, SOLAR and FINESSE bickering still. They come to a pair of large double doors that are electronically operated, and so locked down.

FINESSE (to bee!SHIFT)
Through here?

SHIFT buzzes a bit.

FINESSE
Excellent.

SOLAR
Why a bee?

FINESSE
Bees have a ring of iron oxide around their abdomens that allow them to detect magnetic and electromagnetic fields. It's how they navigate. In this case, it means Shift can hopefully lead us to the command centre.

SOLAR
How clever.

FINESSE
Indeed. And now we are faced with a door. I think we all know how this will end.

SOLAR (giggling)
I hate you. You're mean.

FINESSE
You're holding us up.

SOLAR blows up the door. It's dramatic. They step and fly through.

SOLAR
What the-?

It looks like a canteen or something, but it's full of people (well; full=about thirty). These are the night staff, whom AMITY so cleverly remembered to the PRIME MINISTER. Remember him? He's a lot like Brian Blessed, apparently. Anyway; the assembled scientist-types look up, all happy to be able to escape the canteen which is about to blow up.

FINESSE
Ah. Night staff.

SCIENTIST-TYPE#1
We're saved!

SCIENTIST-TYPE#2
Huzzah!

FINESSE
Follow the path of destruction out, people, we'll take care of - wait, Geoffrey?

GEOFFREY
You've saved me again! Oh, thank heavens!

FINESSE
But... what on earth are you doing here? Here! Getting kidnapped again!

GEOFFREY
The world hates me.

He cries. Everyone looks a bit embarrassed. The night staff head for the door, and GEOFFREY is led away by kind people.

SOLAR
So... friend of yours?

FINESSE
Definitely not. Even less a friend of Chronal's. Time check, Chronal?

CHRONAL (over comm)
Six minutes. Did you just say Geoffrey?

FINESSE
Yes, but talking about him is holding us up.

CHRONAL (bitterly)
Well, isn't that true to form...

SOLAR
We should go, let's go now yesyes?

SHIFT buzzes off towards a door in the far wall. They follow and it leads to a corridor. They fly along it. At the end is a big, impressive looking door marked 'Control Centre'. They have reached their goal. Hurrah!

FINESSE
Come back, Shift.

Shift the bee flies happily onto FINESSE's palm. FINESSE transforms her back, and human SHIFT blinks a few times before adjusting to having only four limbs again.

FINESSE
Are we ready?

SHIFT
Readiness get.

SOLAR
Yes!

SOLAR disintegrates the door and a large portion of the surrounding walls.

FINESSE
I love this zero-tolerance attitude to doors.

SHIFT
It does save time.

SOLAR
I'm low on power.

FINESSE
I know. That's good.

SHIFT
I spy with my little eye a bad guy.

FINESSE
As do I.

SOLAR
Ooh, that rhymed!

FINESSE
If you could at least pretend to be an adult for a minute, Solar?

They step inside. It's a big, big room, full of computer screens, holograms, desks and, along one wall, a pair of Tronflow Converters new and old and a Williams Converter. An archway along the opposite wall leads into the Heulobattery, thrumming and glowing ominously. Sitting at one of the desks in the middle is PROF PEARCE-MORGAN, staring in alarm at the smoking remains of his door. The Scribblers step into the room.

FINESSE
Professor Pearce-Morgan, I presume?

PEARCE-MORGAN
Er...yes. Yes! Thank goodness you've found me! The Heulobattery is about to blow up!

SHIFT
Yes. How are you planning on fleeing that, by the way?

PEARCE-MORGAN
I - what? I don't -

SOLAR (hissed whisper)
Look how fat he is.

FINESSE
Yes, well, we all know about your fat issues, Solar. Professor? Stop pretending. We don't have time. Turn off the Tronflow converter and sort this out, or Shift here will eat your face in a way that only a fire ant can.

PEARCE-MORGAN
A lone fire ant could only -

FINESSE
Polar bear.

SHIFT becomes a polar bear. PEARCE-MORGAN gets to his feet so fast you might have thought he'd teleported. SOLAR giggles.

SOLAR
Oh, you two are good at this!

FINESSE
We're professionals. Professor?

PEARCE-MORGAN
Now, now... no need for this... let me just -

He puts a hand into his pocket, and grins manically.

PEARCE-MORGAN
...escape! Ha ha! So long, Scribblers! You will never defeat fossil fuels!

There is a flash as he activates a personal teleportation device. SHIFT launches herself at him shrinking out of sight as she goes, and they both vanish. FINESSE leaps forward, but it's too late.

FINESSE
Shift! God damn it...

SOLAR
Is she still here?

FINESSE
No. Damn it! Chronal, are you there?

CHRONAL (on comm)
Yes. What's wrong?

FINESSE
You three need to find Professor Pearce-Morgan. I'll be surprised if he's gone anywhere other than FossCarbon. But Shift is on him in flea-form, so be careful.

LYRIC (on comm)
We'll find her.

CHRONAL (on comm)
Meanwhile, you have about two minutes left. I've written a new code for the converter, but I don't think we have enough time...

FINESSE
It's fine. What do you need?

CHRONAL
There should be a circuit board under the main panel on the converter. You need to access it.

FINESSE
Which one? The newer one, the older model, or the Williams Converter?

CHRONAL
No! We need to reverse the polarity of the new Tronflow Converter, the others are fine as is.

FINESSE runs over to the Tronflow converter and examines the panel. SOLAR walks to the archway to the Heulobattery and looks up into it.

FINESSE
That's quite firmly attached. Sorry, Solar...

She tears a bolt of electricity from SOLAR, who yelps as she does so, and blasts off the panel with it.

CHRONAL
Can you see the red and blue switches in it?

FINESSE
Yes.

CHRONAL
Flip them. That should let me in, and I - right! It's downloading. It'll take about fifty eight seconds, though. We're cutting this very fine. And this only resets the program, it won't do anything about the existing power build-up.

FINESSE
Then it's your turn, Solar.

SOLAR
Yay! I get to be a superhero!

Scene the Next, back at FossCarbon. LYRIC and WRAITH are running through the building, following some signs marked 'Head Offices'. WRAITH is holding his hair back.

WRAITH
Maybe I should tie it back. It is a crazy mass otherwise.

LYRIC
Because of what some Goons said?

WRAITH
And because it's a crazy mess, you bummer. Weren't you listening?

LYRIC
If we weren't running to hopefully catch a villain I'd cry a fake tear about now.

WRAITH
Make me a hair tie.

LYRIC (rolling his eyes suavely)
Yes, master.

He mutters something into his palm and then holds his hand out to WRAITH, who takes it and pulls his hair back into a ponytail.

WRAITH
Now it doesn't try to eat my face like some kind of gay Metroid! Wins!

LYRIC
Head office! Bursting in...

They do so, in time to see gorilla!SHIFT hurling PEARCE-MORGAN at a wall; he takes a futuristic-looking gun out of a pocket as he flies through the air, pointing at her -

- WRAITH sniffs and SHIFT turns invisible as LYRIC mutters and the gun rusts over, going dead. PEARCE-MORGAN hits the wall and slumps down, and LYRIC ropes him up as SHIFT becomes visible and human again.

SHIFT
Go team!

WRAITH
Lyric has put Professor Twat into bondage. Get it? Get it? Ahhhhhh.

SHIFT
Lyric wants to get it. That's sort of the point.

WRAITH
Good one!

LYRIC
You look like a girl.

WRAITH
Lame...

LYRIC
And you look like a mong.

SHIFT
Hey! I was just a gorilla!

AMITY (on comm)
Hey guys! I've sorted out the government and presented all the evidence. Also, the Environmental Minister has been fired, I presume, since he's being arrested. And we've got Professor Clarkson. How are you all doing?

LYRIC
Well I've tied up Professor Pearce-Morgan and, if the team are to be believed, am about to have sex with him.

CHRONAL (on comm)
A good outing for you today, then.

LYRIC
Shut up.

CHRONAL
No I shan't. We've got fifty three seconds left to live, and I'm damn well spending them tormenting you, Lyric.

WRAITH
Haha!

SHIFT
Fifty three?

CHRONAL
And Finesse and Solar aren't answering, which either means they've died or they can't spare the power for the comms at the moment.

AMITY
Well, they aren't dead. Just urgent.

LYRIC
Fifty three seconds? I should bloody well think so.

CHRONAL
Forty, now.

SHIFT
Bugger.

Scene the Other, in Solariax. SOLAR and FINESSE are in the Heulobattery chamber, SOLAR hovering in the air about halfway up. She is glowing gold, surrounded by a corona of electricity as she absorbs it from the Heulobattery. FINESSE is on the floor, watching her. Beside her is a handy thermometer-shaped gauge on the wall, its chart marked from 'Failing' to 'Genocidal Danger'. A red marker points to 'Genocidal Danger'.

FINESSE
Hows it going up there?

SOLAR
It tingles!

FINESSE
It's electricity, what did you think it would do?

SOLAR
Why are you always so mean?

FINESSE
I need to practise it. For supervillains and so forth. Do you think you could get a move on? I make it thirty seconds, and the marker still needs to go through 'Semi-Localised Destruction' and 'Death of all Employees' before it even gets to 'Dubiously High Energy.'

SOLAR
Um... I'm not sure how to speed this up. I've never really had to...

FINESSE
You so badly need your own team. Coming up -

She flies up behind SOLAR and places a hand on either side of her head, and suddenly the electricity in the Heulobattery surges out, flowing into SOLAR, who shrieks. That's what she does, you see. All the bloody time, and it's really bloody loud. A window breaks in the corner. On the gauge, the marker starts tumbling.

FINESSE
Semi-localised Destruction get! And I hope I never have to be happy about that prospect again.

SOLAR
There's so much energy!

FINESSE
Well, yes. Enough to kill all of the workers. Including Geoffrey! Silver linings and all that.

SOLAR
You're even mean to hostages!

FINESSE
No, I'm mean to Geoffrey. Fifteen seconds, or thereabouts.

SOLAR
Finesse - I can't store this much...

FINESSE
Yes you can! Seriously. Stop whinging and take it. We're already at 'Dubiously High!' We only need 'Ah, You're Pushing It.'

SOLAR
I hate you! Why did I join in? It hurts and you're even being mean to me now!

FINESSE
Just keep going! Another few seconds...

And finally, the marker hits 'Ah, You're Pushing It.' FINESSE grabs the incandescent SOLAR and they soar upwards, through the window broken by SOLAR's voice. As the city beneath them abruptly starts to light up again SOLAR converts the stored energy back into sunlight and releases it upwards. It lights up the entire sky for a moment, as bright as day from horizon to horizon, and then the night comes back and they fly back down.

SOLAR
Now I bet my hair looks like poo! I hate you!

FINESSE
Your hair looks fine.

SOLAR
Really?

FINESSE
Really.

SOLAR
Thank you! You see? You can talk without being mean!

FINESSE (wincing)
Although you, apparently, can't talk without shouting. Why can't you learn normal volumes?

SOLAR
Well, it was nice while it lasted.

AMITY (on comm)
Hey! Welcome back! We've won!

SOLAR
Hooray!

FINESSE
Excellent. Then back to the Pit, people! Time for tea, cookies and rumination.

CHRONAL (on comm)
Hooray! I love cookies!

SHIFT (on comm)
I love rumination!

AMITY
I love tea!

SOLAR
I don't like tea.

LYRIC (on comm)
Nor does Finesse. Is that a genetic condition of your family?

WRAITH (on comm)
You have loser genes. Haha.

FINESSE
While you wear loser's jeans.

WRAITH
Oh.

And so they all leave, with every loose end neatly tied up and out of the way, and head back to Da Pit for the promised tea, cookies and rumination, which is intelligent and witty. So much so I bet you're all really sad you've missed it, but I'm poor at writing endings to these, so screw you all.

Fin.