The Road to Doctor Who

The BBC presents:
"THE ROAD TO DOCTOR WHO"
by Steffan Alun

1.  EXT.  TV TOWERS - Day 1.  0800

Establishing shot - an impossibly tall skyscraper reaches far into the
red sky, beyond the green clouds.

CUT TO:

2.  INT.  PLOTS AND PLANS OFFICE - Day 1.  0800

BEVERLY KNIGHT (50s, stern, six foot six) is at her desk, writing.
Opposite her sits JEFF PAULSON (18, pimply, uncertain).

Knight finishes writing and puts down her pen.

KNIGHT
Talk to me Paulson.  This had better be worth my time.

PAULSON
I done an idea, Ms Knight, and my friend Caitlin told me I should tell
you about it.

KNIGHT
Talk to me, Paulson!

PAULSON
Um, I am.  Okay, I want to do a science fiction where there are two
teachers and they travel in time.

KNIGHT
That sounds boring.

PAULSON
One is a sexy man one.

KNIGHT
Okay.

PAULSON
And there will be a spaceship and that's how they travel.

KNIGHT
Will there be aliens?

PAULSON
No, aliens are shit.  There will be an old man inventor who invented
the spaceship and he'll have an assistant like a magician.

KNIGHT
I like it.  So, where do they travel?

PAULSON
They can go somewhere different every week, probably starting in
dinosaur times and working their way forward through time, and it will
be realistic as fuck.

KNIGHT
Sounds expensive.

PAULSON
We can sell it to schools, though, and make money back, and we'll see
if Terry Nation will let us use the Daleks for it.

KNIGHT
Okay, but if he insists we use Davros, he can fuck right off.

CUT TO:

3.  EXT.  FILMING FIELD - Day 2.  1200

The field is set up for exterior filming.  A FILM CREW around the
place including director HARRIET FEATHERS (30s, short, short-haired,
short-tempered) and the actors JAMAICA JONES (20s, pretty, dirty
laugh) and JACK THE MAN (30s, sexy as fuck, charismatic).

FEATHERS
Alright, we're still rolling.

JAMAICA
Mr Peters!  Look over there!  It is an alien civilisation.

JACK
There's no such thing, Miss Winters.  It must be your imagination.

JAMAICA
I don't have an imagination, Mr Peters.  At least, not one good enough
to conjure up such images of majesty.

Shot of some upturned yoghurt pots.

JACK
We could go and check it out.

JAMAICA
Oh, but I'm scared.  What if we meet those cavemen again?

JACK
Doctor Who killed them all, remember?

JAMAICA
So he claims.  But can we really trust him?  I mean, who is he?  Doctor Who who?

FEATHERS
And cut!  Brilliant, guys, take a fag break.

CUT TO:

4.  INT.  BRITAIN'S TOY SHOP - Day 3.  0900

The shop is packed with SHOPPERS, pushing and shoving and shouting.

Owner FRANK SHOPSON (50s, quiet, dying) is talking on camera to
journalist MIA FACE (40s, alert, played by Nick Briggs).

SHOPSON
It's these new Doctor Who toys.  They've been flying off the shelf.
The talking Zomboid was miles more popular than expected - they flew
off the shelf - and the Trevor Baxendale books are flying off the
shelves.

MIA
It sounds like this new television TV show has been great for business.

SHOPSON
Oh, it's been smashing and a half.  I've been able to eat steak every
day this week, and steak's not cheap here in the 60s.

MIA
What's your next idea for toys?

SHOPSON
I don't make them.  But I think they should do a Doctor Who toy that
turns into a Cyberman because that would be a good plot twist for
children to do in their playing.

MIA
Sounds like you could be a writer for the good Doctor!

SHOPSON
Yes please.

CUT TO:

5.  EXT/INT.  WEMBLEY ARENA - Night 4.  2100

The arena is packed with PEOPLE.

WILLIAM "DOCTOR WHO" HARTNELL (50s, looks older than his years, wh-
look, he's William Hartnell, alright?  You know what he's like.
Y'know.  Like Richard Hurndall) walks onto the stage with a little mic
attached to his cheek.  The crowd goes wild.

HARTNELL
Who the man?

Cheers.

HARTNELL
Alright, you little scallywags.  Here is my announcement.  I will be
returning for two special stories in September the 6th.  And then ...
I will be stepping down as Doctor Who.

Cheers of dismay.

HARTNELL
But don't worry, because the moment has been prepared for.  I will be
replaced by a new man, who will be every bit as good as me.  And don't
tell him he's too young!  You'll get used to him.

CUT TO:

6.  INT.  TARDIS - Day 5.  1200

Footage from the show - WILLIAM HARTNELL travelling with BENJAMIN
(sailor) and POLLYMIN (sailor).

HARTNELL
Oh, that Silurian shot me right in the heart.

POLLYMIN
Heart?  How aren't you dead?

HARTNELL
Oh, well (a) I have two hearts and (b) I am dead.

Hartnell dies -

But transforms -

Into MATT SMITH.

SMITH
Legs!  I've still got legs!  Legs are cool.

BENJAMIN
What on earth?

SMITH
No!  WHO on GALLIFREY!

On-screen Caption:  THE END?