"Gutter Press"
by Steffan Alun
1 INT. THE PIT – Day 1. 0900.
AMITY, FINESSE and LYRIC are taking a break, playing three-player Scribblers 64 on the Wii's Virtual Console.
AMITY
Does this game make me look fat?
LYRIC
Yes, but only because Wraith unlocked the Make Amity Fat cheat the other night.
FINESSE
We tried to relock it. Didn't work.
CHRONAL arrives, devilishly handsome. Looks at all the EXPENSIVE THINGS in the Pit.
CHRONAL
Hey, all. Where did you get all these expensive things?
LYRIC
Wraith won the lottery last night. We celebrated by getting him to buy us stuff.
Unexpectedly, Lyric reaches under the sofa and retrieves a cuddly Batman toy, which he kisses gently, and replaces. He sees the others looking at him.
LYRIC
I love Batman.
CHRONAL
Yet you keep him under the sofa?
LYRIC
He needs to know his place.
Chronal sits down, and retrieves classy tabloid newspaper THE SUN. Starts to read.
CHRONAL
Wow, Page Three's really gone downhill. Jessica, twenty-three, from
(beat)
Oh, no.
There's a long pause while everyone continues playing the Wii.
CHRONAL
That really is terrible.
The others keep playing their game. It's fun.
CHRONAL
I swear, I can't believe they've printed –
FINESSE
Nobody's giving you a goddamn feeder line, Chronal. You can exposit by yourself, or not at all.
CHRONAL
Fine. I just thought Amity might like to say something is all.
AMITY
How patronising.
CHRONAL
Anyway, the thing that I read and strongly implied was terrible is that The Sun have found out about Wraith's lottery win.
LYRIC
Oh, God.
FINESSE
Have they reported the story fairly and in a balanced manner?
CHRONAL
Uncharactaristically, no. It's sensationalised nonsense. And they've dedicated an entire line in the article to the word "LOADED". In capital letters. And bold. And red.
LYRIC
I swear, some people shouldn't be allowed to use words.
AMITY
A free press is a good thing, Lyric.
(beat)
Regrettably.
FINESSE
Still. How bad can it be?
Chronal passes her the paper. Finesse reads it.
FINESSE
He is NOT an orphan! And his power's invisibility, not mind control. And that's not how you spell "handsome".
LYRIC
We should sue them.
CHRONAL
Now, now. That should be Wraith's decision.
WRAITH arrives. He's holding a copy of the Sun.
WRAITH
You won't believe what this newspaper's done!
AMITY
We already know, Wraith. I'm so sorry. I can't believe they'd say that about you.
WRAITH
What? I was going to say they printed an article bumming the X-Box three-sixty.
2 EXT. HIGH STREET – Day 1. 1100.
WRAITH is walking along with AMITY and SHIFT.
SHIFT
I can't believe you're going to sue them.
WRAITH
I need the money.
SHIFT
You've just won the lottery.
WRAITH
That's not the Gaily Mail's money, though.
They enter an office. Sign on the door – "LAWYER GIRL".
3 INT. LAWYER GIRL'S WAITING ROOM – Day 1. 1101.
WRAITH, AMITY and SHIFT enter the room, where various SUPERHEROES are waiting.
AMITY
This lawyer any good then?
SHIFT
She's great. Being a lawyer is her superpower. She was hit by a radioactive isotope as a child. Made her blind, but also made her a really good lawyer.
AMITY
Wow.
(beat)
While we wait, we should play a game. Work out which supervillain Lawyer Girl would be best matched against in a fight.
SHIFT
It's Litigation Man, and she killed him last year.
AMITY
I'm not sure I'm comfortable being represented by a murderer.
WRAITH
I am.
They all sit in uncomfortable silence for a moment. LAWYER GIRL enters. Her costume is a smart suit.
LAWYER GIRL
Wraith's up next.
SUPER SKELETON
What? We've been waiting for ages!
REALLY GOOD AT MAGIC EYE BOY
Yeah. I've been here since seven o' clock.
WEIRD LADY
My finger smells of oranges.
LAWYER GIRL
And have any of you won the lottery recently?
The superheroes grudgingly acknowledge that they haven't. Weird Lady eats a battery.
LAWYER GIRL
Quite.
(to Wraith)
This way, sir.
4 INT. LAWYER GIRL'S OFFICE – Day 1. 1105.
WRAITH is led into a smart office by LAWYER GIRL. AMITY and SHIFT follow.
LAWYER GIRL
Who will you be suing today, then, sir?
WRAITH
The Sun.
LAWYER GIRL
But sir! That's a star! It isn't sentient.
AMITY
He means the newspaper.
LAWYER GIRL
Thank goodness. They have LOADS of money.
SHIFT
It seems a bit odd that you thought he might want to sue a star.
LAWYER GIRL
It's Weird Lady. She comes here every day. I'm a shadow of my former self.
Uncomfortable silence.
LAWYER GIRL
Anyway! Because this is a super-case, we'll need to use a Libel Crystal to determine the veracity of the article.
AMITY
A crystal? Wonderful. How sci-fi!
LAWYER GIRL
Fantasy, actually. Sorry about that.
AMITY
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with a fantasy element in our sci-fi world.
SHIFT
It's fine. Finesse has a long and complicated explanation for it. She won the Nobel No Prize for it last year.
5 INT. THE
The Scribblers are in an enormous cave full of gaudily-coloured crystals, lava pits, falling platforms and evil monkey ninja zombies.
CHRONAL is keeping platforms frozen in place while LYRIC is slowly creating ropes to attach them.
SHIFT has become a cat, jumping from platform to platform.
WRAITH is invisible, sneaking past the monkey ninja zombies.
AMITY is focusing on the monkeys, making them too happy to attack.
Shift jumps to the next platform – falls!
FINESSE holds up a hand, because it looks cool, and transforms Shift into a bat.
CHRONAL
Sorry, Shift. Lots of quantum distortion in this cave. Can't quite control my powers.
WRAITH
Yeah, yeah. We believe you. More like, you're just crap. Giga lols.
A ninja monkey zombie launches itself at Amity, biting her arm.
AMITY
Hey!
She frowns, and the monkey stops in its tracks, turns, and walks away sadly.
AMITY (genuinely)
Oh, sorry monkey. Automatic reaction.
LYRIC
What did you do?
AMITY
Made it a manic depressive ...
FINESSE
Amity's scary.
Wraith has managed to get past the ninja monkey zombie nest - made of sticks, bones and jam. Beyond, he finds a CHEST. He checks a small, A5 BOOK.
WRAITH
According to the walkthrough ...
He opens the chest.
WRAITH
Guys! I got the Libel Crystal.
6 INT. COURTROOM. Day 2 – 1100
A courtroom with JUDGE MAN, LAWYER GIRL, DEFENSE ATTORNEY, a JOURNALIST and WRAITH. To the side, a JURY, and an AUDIENCE that includes AMITY, CHRONAL, FINESSE, LYRIC and SHIFT.
JUDGE MAN
Hey, guys. What's going on in this case?
LAWYER GIRL
This unnamed journalist wrote loads of lies about Wraith. Loads of EXPENSIVE lies.
JUDGE MAN
That sounds bad.
LAWYER GIRL
I rest my case.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
OBJECTION!
The audience gasps.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
Where is the evidence?
The audience murmurs.
SHIFT
He's got a point.
AMITY
This guy's good.
JUDGE MAN
Order! ORDER!
WRAITH
Here is the evidence.
He reveals a SCRAP BOOK, and flicks to the end. The ARTICLE from the Sun is inside.
WRAITH
My mum sticks all news about me into this scrap book. There's your "evidence", scummy lawyer man.
JUDGE MAN
This seems like an open and shut case. Here is our evidence. No jury would find this man innocent.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
OBJECTION! I demand that Lawyer Girl prove the article contains lies.
WRAITH
Dude, I just said my MUM keeps this book. The article says I'm an orphan.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
And where is this so-called "mum"?
WRAITH
I'm not telling you who my mum is! I've got a secret identity, dumbass.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
Then you've proved nothing.
WRAITH
The article also claims that my power is mind control. That's bollocks. It's invisibility.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
Prove it!
Wraith goes invisible. Defense Attorney sighs. Wraith reappears.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
But this is still merely a single lie that you have identified. You claimed the article contained LIES! Plural!
The audience gasps and murmurs.
FINESSE
He should point out the grammatical errors.
AMITY
That won't help the case.
FINESSE
It'd be funny, though.
Shift surreptitiously transforms into a kangaroo. She hops towards Lawyer Girl.
LAWYER GIRL
Sod off, Skippy. There's never anyone trapped down the well. I sealed it off last year.
Shift begins transforming back, and mid-transformation, her shrinking pouch reveals the Libel Crystal. Lawyer Girl takes it, smiling. Shift becomes a moth, starts flying back to her seat, then spots a light. The rest is history.
LAWYER GIRL
JUDGE MAN
Oh, goodie gumdrops.
Lawyer Girl aims the crystal at the article. It glows, a bright red light.
JUDGE MAN
That settles it. The unnamed journalist is guilty as charged.
The journalist looks livid.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
Objection! That can't be a real Libel Crystal. Who's powerful enough to brave the
WRAITH
I'm one of the Scribblers, remember? I guess your client didn't bother checking when he was writing his bullshit article.
JOURNALIST
The Scribblers. Of course.
WRAITH
Don't mess with us. We've got plenty of nemeses. And they've actually got names.
Against all odds, the journalist starts to smile.
JOURNALIST
Oh. I have a name.
He reaches up to his face, and peels it away. It's a rubber mask! Underneath is a helmet – a dark green with vertical black stripes. He rips away his clothes to reveal a supervillain costume, all stripy and dark, with muscles sewn into the costume like a child's Superman costume.
JOURNALIST
I am Gutter Press.
The audience runs away, screaming. Amity, Chronal, Finesse and Lyric join Wraith.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
You're on your own, mate. I have the power of objection. I'm not taking on the Scribblers.
He leaves.
GUTTER PRESS
Just me and you, then. And I have the power ... of slander and libel.
AMITY
Guys, I can't influence him! He's unable to feel anything but variations on cynicism!
CHRONAL
One chance, Gutter Press. Back down.
GUTTER PRESS
Just like you backed down when you fought your own father?
CHRONAL
Hey, shut up. My family life is complicated.
GUTTER PRESS
But not as complicated as Lyric's secret stash of hand-drawn Scribblers pornography!
LYRIC
Hang on. Finesse. If he's got powers, how didn't you notice?
FINESSE
What, the power of lying? A two-year-old has more powers.
GUTTER PRESS
SILENCE!
WRAITH
No. You silence.
GUTTER PRESS
Haha! You cannot silence the press! Amity has only three toes! Wraith is actually bald! Finesse kissed a girl, and she liked it!
Something lands on Gutter Press's head. It's a snake! It wraps itself around his body, crushing him.
LYRIC
Sword.
He keeps muttering as a sword materialises in his hand. He swings it towards Gutter Press, hitting him in the head, cracking the helmet.
LYRIC
How's THAT for a head line?
AMITY
Did you make a sword just for that pun?
LYRIC
Swords are my speciality!
Shift slithers off, releasing Gutter Press. He drops slowly to the ground.
WRAITH
I want you to apologise to me.
GUTTER PRESS
Chronal ... kissed ... a random ...
WRAITH
Shut up. Say sorry.
GUTTER PRESS
Shift ... voted Tory ...
Gutter Press looks up. No-one is in sight.
GUTTER PRESS
Where ... are you?
He stands up. He hears a voice – Wraith's – disembodied.
WRAITH (OOV)
Journalist in Standing Up Shocker!
GUTTER PRESS
Alright. I see what you're doing.
WRAITH (OOV)
Confused Journalist Fails at Life!
GUTTER PRESS
Come on. I'm a journalist. I'm hardly worth bothering with. You've got real villains to fight.
The Scribblers appear! Shift is a vicious GRIZZLY BEAR, standing dangerously close behind Gutter Press, alongside Lyric, brandishing his sword. Finesse and Amity are to either side of him, holding his arms in place.
Finally, Wraith appears. Face-to-face with Gutter Press.
WRAITH
You know what you are? You're the worst kind of scum. You think you're doing the world a favour, you think you're fulfiling a purpose, but you're ruining people's lives to make money. You have no redeeming features. And people don't touch you! They don't sue, because what's the point? The damage is done. Doesn't matter what they do to you in return, because now the whole world thinks they're adulterers, or paedophiles, or murderers. So. You will go home, and never, EVER write another article. Or I will follow you for the rest of your life, announcing everything you do. And guess what.
He leans towards Gutter Press's ear, and vanishes from sight. Close-up on Gutter-Press.
WRAITH (OOV)
You won't see me coming.
7 INT. THE PIT – Day 2. 1700.
WRAITH is playing Superhero Smash Brothers – Batman, Iron Fist, Leonardo the Turtle and Mr Sintaro fighting each other. AMITY sits down next to him.
AMITY
Which one are you playing as?
WRAITH (growls)
'M Batman.
A moment passes.
AMITY
Are you alright?
WRAITH
Um. Yeah.
AMITY
I know it's not easy, seeing people lie about you. Seeing your name in print.
(beat)
You never talked much about it. But it can't have been nice.
WRAITH
Gutter Press got what he deserved.
8 INT. PRISON CANTEEN – Day 2. 1705.
GUTTER PRESS, still in his battered costume, is sat by a table, eating food from a tray. PRISONERS are all around him. One glances at him, reaches over, and steals a MUFFIN from his tray.
GUTTER PRESS
Prisoner in Muffin Docking Scandal.
PRISONER #1
... What did you say?
GUTTER PRESS
Prisoner Found Stealing Underwear From Wardens.
PRISONER #2
What's the matter with you?
GUTTER PRESS
Prisoner Ugly Face Shock!
PRISONER #2
Right. That's it.
The prisoners reach for him.
9 EXT. PRISON – Day 2. 1706.
SCREAMS of GUTTER PRESS's from within. Going on, and on, and ... they stop.
Pause.
GUTTER PRESS (OOV)
Shock - Prisoners Love Sado-Masochism!
And the screams begin again.
2 comments:
Brilliant! I loved it! It's great to have a fresh voice on the Scribbler's world and a very funny one at that! This is our first proper Wraith story as well, which is cool.
Nice work. Particularly like the bit where Amity tries to console Wraith but he's characteristaclly reticent. Nicely observed.
Post a Comment