Steffan and Elanor Alun present ...
A Christmassssy Scribblery Production ...
Full of Fun and Joy and Holly and Mince Pies
for those who like them ...
The happiest and most feel-good Christmas
special of all time ...
Except Love Actually, obviously. That film’s delightful.
Yes. Yes
it is. I can hear you disagree with me,
you know.
Anyway, this is the SECOND most joyful and
lovely Christmas special of all time ...
Scribblers:
Evil Men Making Everything Worse
1 TV
STUDIO
A This Morning-style chat show. FINESSE, WRAITH, SHIFT, AMITY and LYRIC
sitting on a sofa that’s far too small for them all. Everything is covered in tinsel. Awful theme music playing. The five Scribblers exchanging looks of
disgust.
CAPTION: FIVE YEARS AGO
WRAITH
What’s
with this budget intro, guys?
AMITY
I
quite like it.
LYRIC
Are
you making it into a game?
AMITY
Oh,
do YOU want to play? Amazing!
SHIFT
Is
this live?
FINESSE
Yes
it is.
SHIFT
So
if I maul his face off, they can’t edit it out?
LYRIC
Hang on. Maul WHOSE face off?
WRAITH
Haven’t you seen this show?
The HOST appears – HENRY SMOOTHMAN, 50s,
fake-tanned, teeth-whitened acceptable face of racism and contempt for the
poor.
SMOOTHMAN
Hello, and welcome to Henry
Smoothman’s Christmas Brilliant Show, with me, Henry Smoothman. I am your host, Henry Smoothman. Today, we’ll be meeting a fresh new superhero
team – the Scribblers! Let’s begin! Henry Smoothman.
LYRIC
Oh, THIS guy? Isn’t he in an advert?
AMITY
He’s in all the adverts.
FINESSE
Rumour has it he sleeps on all his
advert paycheques like a greedy dragon.
Smoothman sits on an armchair next to the
Scribblers.
SMOOTHMAN
Hello, Scribblers! I wonder how you can afford to be here today
when the taxpayer would expect you to be out fighting crime or whatever it is
you supposedly do.
FINESSE
Well, as you KNOW, Henry Smoothman,
it was written into our contracts that we have to appear on your show because
of your political links.
SMOOTHMAN
I’ll let the audience make up their
own minds. And while they do, answer me
this, Scribblers! Who watches the
watchmen?
FINESSE
More watchmen.
SHIFT
Look, this is ridiculous. We’ve had to leave Professor Kayleigh in
charge of saving the world today, and that’s wasting valuable time she could be
spending growing a cure for your face.
SMOOTHMAN
One scientist in charge? Then why do you normally need a team?
AMITY
We still need a team. We’re understaffed now. Anyway, it’s not just Professor
Kayleigh. The government found a
sidekick for her.
CUT TO:
2 SINTARO’S
LAIR
SINTARO is facing PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH.
SINTARO
What
is the meaning of this? I was promised
Scribblers to fight!
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
That’s
me this week, bach.
SINTARO
This is an outrage! I demand Chronal be brought here for me to
humiliate him.
He is punched in the face by CAPTAIN CYMRU.
CAPTAIN
CYMRU
Super
Rugby Punch!
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
How
is it a super RUGBY punch?
CAPTAIN
CYMRU
I
like rugby.
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
Okay,
we’ve got three more bad guys to beat.
CAPTAIN
CYMRU
Then
band practice?
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
Afte
a panad, obviously.
CUT TO:
3 TV
STUDIO
Continued from Scene 1.
SMOOTHMAN
So,
tell me – is there a MISTER Finesse on the horizon?
FINESSE
What do you mean, “on the
horizon”? Chronal’s my boyfriend, you omni-moron.
SMOOTHMAN
Oh.
Tell me – is there a MISTER Shift on the horizon?
SHIFT
There’s a massive tiger in your
near future, if that’s what you mean.
LYRIC
Good one.
SMOOTHMAN
Ah, but –
LYRIC
I could give you kidney stones with
words, you know.
FINESSE
Oooooh.
SMOOTHMAN
Anyway, I’ve got to say, so far,
all the bad guys you’ve apprehended have been British. I don’t see you bringing in any Muslim
villains. It looks like it’s one rule
for acceptable ethnicities, another rule entirely for the wrong kind of human.
WRAITH
Eh.
SMOOTHMAN
Well? You’re not going to answer?
WRAITH
Chronal says I mustn’t talk to
racists. He says it’s contagious.
CHRONAL arrives, sexier than ever.
CHRONAL
Hey, guys. We’re not on the air any more. I’ve just told the press that Henry Smoothman
is in fact ...
Chronal pulls at Smoothman’s face.
It doesn’t come off.
SMOOTHMAN
Argh! My face!
CHRONAL
... is in fact HENRY SMOOTHMAN,
tax-evading adulterous borderline war criminal with a
recently-uncovered-by-sexy-leader-of-the-Scribblers-Chronal batch of secret sex
crimes.
AMITY
The allegations were true!
CHRONAL
Yes. And I proved them with TIME!
CUT TO:
4 SPANISH
HOTEL ROOM
SHIFT and THE AUDITOR are having a lovely
holiday. The room is full of Christmas
gifts and cards.
CAPTION: NOW
SHIFT
We’ve
got a card from Gum-Boy.
THE
AUDITOR
Who’s
Gum-Boy?
SHIFT
Tooth
Fairy’s sidekick. You saved him from
Soup-er-man once, remember?
THE
AUDITOR
No. I don’t remember that. That sounds rubbish.
SHIFT
Anyway,
he’s asking if he can be your best man.
THE
AUDITOR
What? Why the hell would I do that?
SHIFT
He says he can make lightsabers.
He says he can make lightsabers.
THE
AUDITOR
Let’s
not be too hasty here – let’s give this letter the consideration it so richly
deserves ...
SHIFT
He’s
probably lying, though. I hate Gum-Boy.
The door to the room bursts open!
GUTTER PRESS enters!
GUTTER
PRESS
Shift
and Auditor in secret love shock!
SHIFT
Secret?
THE
AUDITOR
Shock?
SHIFT
Get
out of our room, Gutter Press. You’re
creepy.
GUTTER
PRESS
Gutter
Press with New Powers of Arrest!
Continued on page 5.
THE
AUDITOR
What
are you talking about?
GUTTER
PRESS
Page
5. Shift and Auditor under arrest.
SHIFT
Since when can you arrest people?
CUT TO:
5 CLOUD
PALACE
A palace carved from clouds. Full of bags and shoes and Apple
chargers. This is CLOUDBURST’S home,
obvs. LYRIC is here too, helping
Cloudburst decorate the Christmas tree.
CLOUDBURST
We
need more baubles.
LYRIC
I’m
not making you any more baubles.
CLOUDBURST
Why
not? You just need to say the word.
LYRIC
Because
I’ve already made four hundred, and all but eight of them are missing.
CLOUDBURST
They’re
around here somewhere.
LYRIC
Exactly! I don’t want them all bursting through a
cloud floor and hitting me.
CLOUDBURST
Wear
a helmet, then! That’s why I’m wearing
this amazing Björk-themed helmet.
LYRIC
That’s
a joke that only works because the stage directions were vague, you know.
CLOUDBURST
Yeah,
STEFF.
STEFFAN
Stop
breaking the fourth wall. Some plot’s
about to happen.
CLOUDBURST
Okay.
LYRIC
Anyway,
I’ll make you some more tinsel if you like.
Two members of the THOUGHT POLICE push their
way through the surprisingly wet cloud walls.
THOUGHT
POLICE #1
Lyric
and Cloudburst – you’re under arrest.
THOUGHT
POLICE #2
Speech
Bubble.
THOUGHT
POLICE #1
What?
THOUGHT
POLICE #2
That’s what you call Lyric and
Cloudburst when you’re speaking to both of them. Speech bubble. Like, words and clouds, you see? That’s their ship name.
THOUGHT
POLICE #1
Oh, no. We’re not doing ship names.
THOUGHT
POLICE #2
Um.
THOUGHT
POLICE #1
If you’ve got any more, keep them
to yourself.
THOUGHT
POLICE #2
Amity and Amalgam are Petting Zoo,
Shift and Auditor are Career Change, Professor Kayleigh and Captain Cymru are
National Flower, Finesse and Chronal are Perfect Timing and Wraith and Yūrei
are Spectral Vision.
THOUGHT
POLICE #1
...
THOUGHT
POLICE #2
...
THOUGHT
POLICE #1
So, anyway, you’re under arrest,
Lyric and Cloudburst.
THOUGHT
POLICE #2
Speech Bubble.
CUT TO:
6 RAVEN
SANCTUARY
AMITY and AMALGAM are having a Lovely Day Out.
AMALGAM
Look
at all the ravens! This is amazing!
AMITY
I’m
glad you like it, Animalgaman.
AMALGAM
I
love it, AnimAmity-man.
AMITY
No,
only your name does that, remember?
The sky grows dark!
Dark Clouds form!
A bolt of lightning –
And DARK CLOUDBURST appears. He is an evil Cloudburst from another
dimension. He dresses similarly, but
lots more emo, innit.
DARK
CLOUDBURST
You
are under arrest!
AMALGAM
Oh,
okay!
AMITY
No,
hang on – why are we under arrest?
DARK
CLOUDBURST
Oh,
um. I don’t know. My boss just said I had to arrest you.
AMITY
And
you just accepted the order without question?
That’s a bit silly.
AMALGAM
Hey! That hurt my feelings.
AMITY
Dogs
are allowed to be silly.
DARK
CLOUDBURST
I
didn’t just accept without question. I
asked lots of questions. But my boss
didn’t answer.
AMALGAM
Then why are you here?
DARK
CLOUDBURST
He
said I could keep any money I found on my way.
And I found a thousand pounds!
Dark Cloudburst reveals £1,000 in Monopoly
money.
DARK
CLOUDBURST
This
is what you use in your universe, right?
AMALGAM
No,
not since Weird Lady stopped being Prime Minister.
CUT TO:
7 FOLIAGE
STADIUM
Some sort of mad, chaotic sport is about to happen. I can’t even begin to describe it. I can’t understand sports at the best of
times. Let’s just let the announcer do
the hard work ...
ANNOUNCER
Welcome to the final in the Super
Rugby Roller Derby World Cup! Before we
bring on St Kitts and Sao Tome to battle it out for the cup, first we welcome
the founders of the sport – Professor Kayleigh and Captain Cymru!
PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH arrives as her roller-derby
alter-ego, GOG COMPLEX. CAPTAIN CYMRU arrives
as his rugby alter-ego, BARRY.
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
Stupid
question, but why is the World Cup so close to Christmas?
CAPTAIN
CYMRU
We
chose by throwing a dart at a calendar, remember?
A roller-skating rugby REFEREE appears.
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
Oh,
na! Panic!
CAPTAIN
CYMRU
Hang
on! That’s not a real rugby ref! He’s not terrifying enough at all.
The referee unmaks – and he’s GREGORY THOUGHT!
CAPTAIN
CYMRU
Look,
if a supervillain is going to ruin our day, you could at least send one who
isn’t crap.
GREGORY
THOUGHT
Silence,
Captain. You are both under arrest for
national crimes.
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
You’re
such a liar, Gregory Thought. Surprise
Rugby Tackle ‘im, Baz.
Captain Cymru tries a Surprise Rugby Tackle –
But Gregory Thought is a mind-reader, and reads
his mind –
But Gregory Thought is extremely unfit, so
Captain Cymru tackles him to the ground anyway.
GREGORY
THOUGHT
Ow! You’ve snapped my bits!
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
Grow
up.
Professor Kayleigh finds an arrest warrant in
Thought’s pocket.
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
Well. Bugger.
CUT TO:
8 DOCTOR
WHO EXHIBITION
CHRONAL, FINESSE and WRAITH are wandering
around, looking at costumes and props off of TV’s Doctor Who. Chronal is filming it.
CHRONAL
This
is a Slitheen monster costume. It’s so
realistic!
FINESSE
Why
are you filming it?
CHRONAL
So
I can watch it back on telly and remember all this stuff!
FINESSE
You
can just watch your Doctor Who DVDs for that, surely?
CHRONAL
Oh. Remorse.
WRAITH
Guys,
one of these aliens is called Bumfriends.
CHRONAL
You
made that up.
WRAITH
No
I didn’t! The costume is right
here! You should definitely take a look.
CHRONAL
Bumfriends
were only ever in the audios, Wraith.
WRAITH
... You know too much about Doctor Who.
One of the Slitheen costumes open up!
Revealing LOUDMOUTH (50s, female, ratty,
insiduous).
LOUDMOUTH
You’re under arrest, leader and
former leader of the Scribblers! I’ve
always wanted to say that.
FINESSE
Really? That’s a very awkward phrase to have always
wanted to say.
WRAITH
Yeah,
and I’m here too!
FINESSE
Good point! You villains have to make Wraith feel
wanted. Otherwise we have to do it
ourselves, and there’s not enough hours in the day.
LOUDMOUTH
Shut
up! Just shut up! You’ve been arrested. You have to shut up now.
CHRONAL
Oh,
dear, that’s not how it works at all.
FINESSE
Yeah. First we make fun of your rubbish face, which
looks like something you’d see in a kids’ social awareness book with the
caption “don’t bully anyone even if they look like this”.
CHRONAL
Then we mock your costume, which I
assume you made yourself using a school gym’s spare gym kit box.
WRAITH
Then we point out that we’re NOT
arrested, because we don’t know who you are.
LOUDMOUTH
I’m Loudmouth! I’ve battled you countless times!
CHRONAL
Nah, we’d have remembered, I think.
LOUDMOUTH
I’m the journalist who framed
Wraith for murder.
FINESSE
Wasn’t that Gutter Press?
LOUDMOUTH
No, he was the one who told
everyone about his lottery win –
CHRONAL
Wraith never won the lottery, did
he? I’m sure I’d remember something like
that.
WRAITH
Oh, wait. Maybe that’s why there’s so much money in my
account. I thought they’d just forgotten
to put the minus sign in.
FINESSE
Anyway, if you’re a journalist, you
can’t arrest us.
LOUDMOUTH
Can’t I? I think you’ll find that things have changed
since my boss took over.
CUT TO:
9 SECRET
CHRISTMAS PRISON
A large room, decorated for Christmas, but
certainly a prison.
It is being ruled by PRISON MAN – a sinister
figure. Well, okay, a figure in a mask
and a baggy hoodie that says “sinister” on it.
PRISON
MAN
Bring
me Scribblers, my underlings!
GUTTER PRESS, the THOUGHT POLICE, DARK
CLOUDBURST, GREGORY THOUGHT and LOUDMOUTH bring in their prisoners – FINESSE,
CHRONAL, WRAITH, SHIFT, LYRIC, AMITY, CLOUDBURST, AMALGAM, PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
and CAPTAIN CYMRU.
PRISON
MAN
Where’s
the Auditor?
GUTTER
PRESS
He left his passport in the
hotel. He had to go back for it. He promised he’d come straight to the prison
when he’d found it.
PRISON
MAN
This is the problem with hiring
journalists as police officers.
CHRONAL
That’s not even the START of the
problem with that.
FINESSE
Oh, yeah, I should warn you – my
husband’s a bit sensitive about blurring the lines between the press and
authority.
CHRONAL
Yeah. If I find out the government’s involved as
well ...
PRISON
MAN
My dear fellow – of COURSE the
government’s involved! I work directly
for ...
A secret door opens, and out walks MYSTERY
SMOOTH FIGURE, a mystery person wearing Iron Man-style armour with “SMOOTH” written
on it.
MYSTERY
SMOOTH FIGURE
I
arranged this.
PRISON
MAN
You
see? This MYSTERY FIGURE works for the
government.
WRAITH
I’ve
worked out who it is.
PRISON
MAN
You
will never learn the identity of this MYSTERY FIGURE.
AMITY
I
worked it out before he even turned up.
FINESSE
Yeah,
frankly, I thought he was YOU, since you’ve written “sinister” on yourself.
PRISON
MAN
He
or SHE!
LYRIC
Yeah,
but it’s a “he”, innit? I know who it
is.
PRISON
MAN
I
bet you’re all trying to work out the mystery.
CAPTAIN
CYMRU
Even
I know who it is, and I hardly know anything about the Scribblers.
DARK
CLOUDBURST
It
is kind-of obvious, sir.
PRISON
MAN
Shut
up! Shut up! You’re working for ME, boy.
CLOUDBURST
Hey,
you’re here!
PRISON
MAN
Which
of you said that?
SHIFT
Hang
on – is that Dark Cloudburst?
WRAITH
Oh,
lame. Last time Dark Cloudburst turned
up, he broke into the Pit at four in the morning.
CHRONAL
No, Wraith, that was Drunk
Cloudburst.
SHIFT
And what you did to him was quite
horrible.
PRISON
MAN
All that remains is for me to read
out the charge – which is that despite being a nationalised team, paid for by
the taxpayer –
AMALGAM
Wasn’t this prison paid for by the
taxpayer?
PRISON
MAN
Absolutely not. It was paid for by the private funds of Hen- ... of Mystery Smooth Figure. Anyway, despite being a nationalised team,
blah blah blah, you have continuously promoted the sinister liberal agenda of
the EU.
AMITY
Sorry – how exactly have we done
that?
CUT TO:
10 FRANCE!
WRAITH, SHIFT, PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH and CAPTAIN
CYMRU on stage, accepting medals from La Batte.
LA
BATTE (in French, translated)
And
so these fine friends of mine came to destory Venus Fly Trap.
WRAITH
Best
villain ever.
SHIFT
You’re
only saying that because she liked your shoes.
WRAITH
My
shoes are amazing.
CAPTAIN
CYMRU
I
helped!
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
Hush,
bach.
CAPTAIN
CYMRU
I
punched her four times!
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
I’m sure that’s what took her
down. Not me overloading her vine powers
and Shift becoming a bear.
SHIFT
Bears are great.
LA
BATTE
And so I present my lovely friends –
especially Captain Cymru, who shares our possibly-xenophobic mistrust of the
English – with these medals, and also vouchers for all my restaurants.
WRAITH
Surely we have more vouchers than
we’ll ever need for that place now?
SHIFT
La Batte likes giving
vouchers. Best leave him to it.
WRAITH
Baps di-ri.
CUT TO:
11 GERMANY!
LYRIC, CLOUDBURST, AMITY and AMALGAM accept
medals from German superhero ERLÖSER (tall, beautiful, dressed in white).
ERLÖSER
(in German, translated)
And so we thank our inefficient
British friends for helping in our incredibly efficient defeat of the
villainous Rührung.
AMALGAM
I hope they don’t mention what I did.
LYRIC
I’m sure they’d understand. Goats get hungry all the time. And it’s not your fault Rührung was wearing
such temptingly delicious villain pants.
AMITY
Anyway, we couldn’t have saved the
day without you – that bit where Octopus and Raven had to press two buttons
simultaneously ... even Shift wouldn’t have been able to do that.
LYRIC
Well, I don’t know – ever since
that business with Bestia –
AMITY
Whoah, spoilers!
CLOUDBURST
Do you think they’ll reward us with
German food?
AMALGAM
I hope so!
CLOUDBURST
The funny thing about German food
is that it all has German names.
LYRIC
That’s because it’s German.
CLOUDBURST
Exactly!
ERLÖSER
We also award you with a lot of
German food! It will be funny seeing you
try and pronounce the names.
CUT TO:
12 HUNGARY!
FINESSE, CHRONAL, SHIFT, AMITY, WRAITH and
LYRIC accept a medal from SOME STRANGE CELEBRITIES.
SOME
STRANGE CELEBRITY (in Hungarian, translated)
Congratulations,
Scribblers! You have won the Eurovision
Song Contest!
FINESSE
Look,
we only came here to stop Cannibal eating the UK’s entry.
CHRONAL
Unsuccessfully.
FINESSE
Just
seemed like the only option we had left was to mime to their song.
CHRONAL
Which
was horrible, by the way.
FINESSE
It was awful on purpose, you
know. Britain doesn’t want
Eurovision. That’s why we send you
terrible songs in the first place.
CHRONAL
They only voted for us because we’re
famous superheroes.
FINESSE
And because Chronal is extremely
attractive to all nations.
CHRONAL
Plausible.
SOME STRANGE CELEBRITY
Please take your prize – a SHED!
FINESSE
A SHED? That’s going to look ridiculous outside our
building, especially –
LYRIC
Taxed.
CUT TO:
13 SECRET
CHRISTMAS PRISON
Continued from scene 9.
AMALGAM
That’s
ridiculous! Saving the world doesn’t
mean we’re promoting the EU.
CHRONAL
Although
for the record, that’s what I was doing.
PRISON
MAN
So
you admit it! You should be impartial as
a government employee.
CHRONAL
That’s true. I’d hate me if I weren’t me. I’m a massive hypocrite. On the other hand, good luck finding a new
time-traveller for your team.
FINESSE
Okay, I’ve had enough of this.
Finesse holds up a hand –
Towards Cloudburst –
Whose power causes a lightning bolt to strike
MYSTERY SMOOTH FIGURE’s suit of armour –
Shutting it down.
LYRIC
(echo-y voice)
Ystrydebol.
Lyric’s sword appears in his hands.
He sticks it into the neck of the suit.
Cracks open the head.
FINESSE
And
look at that! The Mystery Smooth Figure
is ACTUALLY ... Henry Sm- WEIRD LADY?
WEIRD
LADY
My
parrot is king of China.
AMITY
What? Then why did she call herself Mystery Smooth
Figure?
LYRIC
It’s
unclear why Weird Lady does anything.
CHRONAL
Indeed. And she couldn’t have co-ordinated this. Someone’s used her former Prime Minister
status to their own ends. And I think
that person is ...
Chronal unmasks Prison Man.
It’s Henry Smoothman!
CHRONAL
Henry
Smoothman! Who is in fact ...
Chronal tugs at Henry Smoothman’s face.
HENRY
SMOOTHMAN
Ow,
my face!
CHRONAL
... Henry Smoothman, former
television present, puppet leader of the SPP, and a man absolutely nobody has
ever liked in any shape or form.
AMITY
Yay! Henry Smoothman is disgraced, and we’ve got a
new prison which the taxpayer didn’t need to pay for. We can use it to rehabilitate more criminals!
FINESSE
Once it satisfies EU regulations,
obviously.
HENRY
SMOOTHMAN
NOOOOOOOO!
THE END
