Scribblers
"The Christmas Play"
by Steffan and Elanor Alun
1. INT. THE PIT. Day 1 - 0900
LYRIC is reading aloud from Garble Guy's Big Book of Taxing Tongue-Twisters, causing many tiny random objects to appear all around him.
FINESSE is doodling various things on WRAITH's body in inisible.
A smiley face across Wraith's chest allows us to see through him to SHIFT, whose hand is quickly changing in a wing-paw-hoof sequence.
CHRONAL is rapidly maturing several bunches of green bananas.
CHRONAL
Mmm, cake soon.
FINESSE
Fixed the oven, then, have you?
CHRONAL
I've decided that's Lyric's job.
LYRIC
Lyric is very pleased to hear this information.
WRAITH
Can we just microwave it?
FINESSE
Firstly, no. Secondly - do you want to tell Wraith what happened to the microwave, Shift?
SHIFT
Hm? Not particularly.
LYRIC
She tried making porridge in it.
CHRONAL
Unsuccessfully?
LYRIC
She was a bear.
WRAITH
Lol! Fail.
SHIFT
I was trying to prove a point.
CHRONAL
What point?
SHIFT
That bears couldn't possibly make porridge.
LYRIC
Point well and truly proven.
AMITY enters, dressed as a Snowman.
AMITY
Guys! Guys! Guess what!
CHRONAL
Steps are reuniting!
AMITY
Um, probably. But no - my play's being produced by the Hyper-Players!
WRAITH
Worst name ever.
AMITY
Well, yes, but still - they're a really prestigious production company, and all the actors are superheroes!
FINESSE
Every single one of us knew that already, Amity. Why, exactly, did you feel the need to explain it in detail?
AMITY
Meta reasons.
SHIFT
My favourite!
AMITY
Anyway, it's on in Dinas Theatre on the 18th of December! Everyone keep that date free.
Shift looks horrified.
LYRIC
That's my date night!
AMITY
Great news! Everyone loves dates to Amity's New Play.
LYRIC
Will there be nudity?
AMITY
No idea, mate, it's your date. Anyway! 18th of December! Everyone be there. And - hang on, why do you feel anxious, Shift?
SHIFT
I've just remembered, um ...
FINESSE
It's to do with a prank we played on Wraith, so don't ruin it.
AMITY
Oh! Okay.
Amity leaves.
WRAITH
So what's this prank then? If you've put jam in my bed again ...
FINESSE
Quiet. We have no time for you. What's up, Shift?
SHIFT
Remember that team-up I had with Professor Kayleigh last year?
CUT TO:
2. EXT. BATTLE FIELD. Day A - 1500
The field covered in snow.
The NARRATOR is trapped in an enormous pitcher plant.
SHIFT and KAYLEIGH are standing proud (in warm variants of their costumes).
KAYLEIGH
Loser!
NARRATOR
I am not a loser! I always win!
SHIFT
When have you EVER won, Narrator?
NARRATOR
But I am the narrator! I write the final ending! And ...
KAYLEIGH
And mess it up and end up in rehab again.
NARRATOR
Ah, but my victory this time - mark this day, Flora and Fauna -
SHIFT
Don't call us that.
NARRATOR
- because ... The eighteenth day of December was forever cursed in the city of Dinas! A day when all criminals felt compelled by wrongdoing.
SHIFT
That's handy. We'll just keep that day clear.
CUT TO:
3. INT. THE PIT. Day 1 - 0905
SHIFT
We can't let Amity hold her play that day.
FINESSE, CHRONAL and LYRIC are listening attentitively. WRAITH is making a noise like he's pretending to be a fish or something. It's annoying and odd, yet bearable and ignored.
FINESSE
Okay. It might be hard to reschedule the Hyper-Players, but they're heroes too. They'll understand.
AMITY enters.
AMITY
Oh, and guys! The other thing about my play - the Critic's coming to see it! His first time in the UK in nearly five years! Just to see my play! He'll only be in the country for four hours, so it'll be absolutely impossible to reschedule! Isn't that exciting?
CHRONAL
One might say inconveniently exciting!
AMITY
Exactly!
AMITY leaves.
FINESSE
Well, then. We'll just have to ...
EVERYONE
(not really at the same time; very messy)
GET READY.
LYRIC
Let's never do that again.
WRAITH
Why was Amity dressed as a snowman?
FINESSE
Christmassy.
CUT TO:
4. INT. PIT MEETING ROOM. Day 2 - 1400
FINESSE chairs a meeting with PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH, AMALGAM, CLOUDBURST and THE AUDITOR. A GOAT, RAVEN and DOG are gathered around Luke.
FINESSE
Hello, assorted allies! Welcome to our Super Secret Meeting.
KAYLEIGH
I don't trust the Auditor.
AUDITOR
What? I'm trustworthy!
KAYLEIGH
You have a goatee. That means you're a villain from a parallel world.
FINESSE
Ah, yes. I remember Evil Professor Kayleigh.
KAYLEIGH
She used my plants for evil.
CLOUDBURST
I had an evil doppelganger. He was a right hipster.
FINESSE
Deathly Hallows tattoo?
CLOUDBURST
You know it.
AMALGAM
I met Evil Me once. He had a mosquito, bot fly and hagfish.
KAYLEIGH
That is hideous.
AMALGAM
No, they're still good. They serve an important purpose.
FINESSE
Speaking of important purposes!
AUDITOR
Nice link.
FINESSE
Cheers. So. On the eighteenth of December, Amity will put on her experimental play about a time-travelling tram, and countless villains will attack the city. I've got the Misfits, Alternate Vertigo and the Monk covering key locations, but we'll need to protect the theatre. The whole Scribbler team will be there - we'll be a big target. Can I count on your help?
AMALGAM
Definitely.
AUDITOR
Yeah, I'll help. I'll bring my best weapons.
CLOUDBURST
You had me at "time-travelling tram".
KAYLEIGH
I'll set my plants to "stun".
FINESSE
Oh, and Amalgam - this is hyper-secret. So we need you to be in full Deceptive Raven mode for this, and not Loyal Dog mode.
AMALGAM
I'm sure that won't be a problem.
FINESSE
It's just that after last time ...
CUT TO:
5. INT. THE PIT. Day B - 2100
AMITY, CHRONAL, LYRIC, SHIFT , WRAITH and AMALGAM are plotting and scheming.
AMITY
Okay, so it's hugely important that Finesse doesn't find out about this. It is a massive secret.
AMALGAM
Fine.
FINESSE enters.
FINESSE
Hey, guys! What's going on?
AMALGAM
We're planning your surprise birthday party.
CUT TO:
6. INT. PIT MEETING ROOM. Day 2 - 1405
Continued from scene 4.
AMALGAM
I'll work on that.
CUT TO:
7. EXT. DINAS THEATRE. Night 3 - 1925
A grand Victorian theatre. It's snowing. A TRAMP with masses of hair and beard, in a big black coat, is sitting outside with a DOG.
FINESSE leaves the theatre -
- and walks to the tramp.
FINESSE
Alright, Cloudburst. Are you warm enough?
The tramp moves his removable beard - it is CLOUDBURST. That was obvious from Finesse's line, wasn't it? Superfluous stage direction.
CLOUDBURST
Yeah, I'm good. If I see any villains, I'll lightning them.
FINESSE
Good job on the snow, too.
CLOUDBURST
I've got my iPhone showing an aerial view, so I'll send Shift if I see any footprints.
The dog wags its tail.
FINESSE
Great. Don't get distracted!
Cloudburst is browsing eBay.
CLOUDBURST
Oh. Oh, yeah.
CUT TO:
8. INT. THEATRE - BAR. Night 3 - 1926
LYRIC, AMALGAM and the three ANIMALS are keeping watch. The bar includes the entrance from outside, and the door to the theatre proper.
LYRIC
Okay. I've got a sword. You've got ... your zoo. There's nothing we can't handle.
AMALGAM
Except maybe an enemy that's immune to metal and animals - maybe someone intangible?
LYRIC
The hypotheticals begin. This is exactly what it's like being on patrol with Amity.
AMALGAM
I know! Brilliant!
LYRIC
So when the play begins, you'll go in, yes?
AMALGAM (mouth full)
I'll leave the animals here.
LYRIC
What- where did you get an ice cream?
Amalgam looks guilty.
The goat looks happy.
CUT TO:
9. INT. THEATRE - LIGHT AND SOUND BOX. Night 3 - 1927
WRAITH and KAYLEIGH are sitting with two TECHNICIANS.
WRAITH
We should have built an enormous pyramid and written "bank" on it. Then all the villains would go there.
KAYLEIGH
I don't think that'd work.
WRAITH
You could fill it with milk. Then they'd all smell the milk and go to try and steal the milk.
KAYLEIGH
I wonder what it's like being you?
CUT TO:
10. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1927
CHRONAL and the AUDITOR are waiting behind with six ACTORS (three women, three men).
CHRONAL
Ooh, first night nerves.
AUDITOR
Quick question - did you always want to be called Chronal?
CHRONAL
I toyed with the idea of "Time Lord" ...
AUDITOR
Oh, good. It's not just me. I wanted to be El Gringo Mysterioso.
CUT TO:
11. INT. THEATRE - STAGE. Night 3 - 1928
AMITY is talking to THE CRITIC.
CRITIC
This had better be good, Amity. I won't be lenient.
AMITY
I'm sure you won't have seen anything like it.
CRITIC
I've seen four plays about a time-travelling tram this year. I hated them all.
AMITY
Oh. Um. Well, you know what they say about time-travelling tram plays ...
CRITIC
I pre-judge them.
Amity looks concerned.
Takes her seat next to AMALGAM.
AMALGAM
You're back!
FINESSE arrives and sits next to them.
AMALGAM
You're here!
FINESSE
Yes, yes. You've got your pack.
The curtains start to open.
CUT TO:
12. INT. THEATRE - BAR. Night 3 - 1930
LYRIC is keeping an eye on the entrance.
Behind him, a SILVER-SKINNED NINJA teleports inside -
- lifts an axe -
Lyric dives out of the way -
Extends hi s sword -
The fight begins!
CUT TO:
13. EXT. DINAS THEATRE. Night 3 - 1930
CLOUDBURST and DOG-SHIFT patrolling.
Cloudburst sees something on his iPhone.
CLOUDBURST
Oh, damn. I'll text Finesse -
The phone is knocked from his hand -
By THE WEATHERMAN! 60s, white hair and moustache, supervillain costume made of tweed.
WEATHERMAN
We meet again, Cloudburst!
CLOUDBURST
No offence, but that costume's a bit crap.
The Weatherman lifts his hand -
Cloudburst jumps to his feet -
And it starts drizzling rain.
CLOUDBURST (sarcastically)
Oh no. Rain. My only weakness.
WEATHERMAN (muttering)
It was meant to be lightning.
CLOUDBURST
Like this?
Cloudburst summons lightning -
Which just misses the Weatherman -
The Weatherman punches Cloudburst to the ground -
Dog-Shift runs into the theatre.
CUT TO:
14. INT. THEATRE - LIGHT AND SOUND BOX. Night 3 - 1931
WRAITH, KAYLEIGH and the TWO TECHNICIANS.
Part of the ceiling falls in -
Through which jumps GRANITE (30s, female, massive and made of rock).
KAYLEIGH
Yay, rock villain.
WRAITH
Maybe she's STONED. Ha ha ha.
KAYLEIGH
Ha!
GRANITE
Silence, child!
She swings her fist towards Wraith -
Who becomes invisible.
Kayleigh throws a handful of seeds at Granite -
And they start to sprout quickly, tangling her.
A brownish mist appears in the room -
Allowing us to see Wraith's invisible outline.
He appears again, coughing.
The mist gathers together -
And becomes LONDON FOG (20s, female, cockney).
LONDON FOG
My toxic mist will choke you!
WRAITH (coughing)
Apples and pears, apples and pears.
CUT TO:
15. INT. THEATRE - STAGE. Night 3 - 1932
AMITY, AMALGAM, FINESSE and THE CRITIC in the audience.
One MALE ACTOR and one FEMALE ACTOR on stage.
MALE ACTOR
I realise how much this hurts.
FEMALE ACTOR
Don't, Arthur - you can't promise me these things. What if the tram can't time-travel forever? We don't even know what fuel it uses.
THE CRITIC
I'm enjoying this so far, but I'm sure I can dwell on the flaws until I hate it.
Finesse spies trouble in the light and sound box.
She gets up.
AMITY
What's wrong?
FINESSE
Um. I have to go for a bit. This brings back terrible memories. Of, um, Chronal being trapped in that tram that one time.
Finesse leaves.
AMALGAM
Chronal got stuck in a tram?
AMITY
Yes. It was pretty harrowing, actually. I feel bad now.
CUT TO:
16. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1933
CHRONAL and THE AUDITOR are alert.
THE OCTOGENARIANS burst through the doors - two men and two women, in their 80s, all with super-strength and super-speed.
OCTO#1
Disaffected youths!
OCTO#2
Of today!
OCTO#3
In our day we used to skin youths who didn't respect their betters.
CHRONAL
But we haven't disrespected you yet -
OCTO#4
Silence! Answering back! I hate these disaffected youths!
OCTO#2
Of today!
AUDITOR
Sorry, what definition exactly of 'disaffected' are we using that applies to us, but not the attacking supervillains?
OCTO#1
Silence, disaffected youths! Octogenarians! Attack!!
They fight! Chronal matches super-speed against superspeed, while the Auditor fades out and fires staples and elastic bands invisibly.
CUT TO:
17. INT. THEATRE - LIGHT AND SOUND BOX. Night 3 - 1934
GRANITE is down, with small meta birds circling over her head. LONDON FOG is slowly poisoning KAYLEIGH and WRAITH, who are trying to shelter behind a hastily-grown patch of algae. FINESSE bursts in.
FINESSE
Eco-terrorism! The most hateful kind!
She transforms London Fog back into a human, and Wraith punches her unconscious.
WRAITH
Eco-terrorism. More like... a loser. Hur hur.
FINESSE
I quite agree.
KAYLEIGH
Wow. You are annoyed. Normally you'd have been sarc -
But she is cut off as a METAL ARM seizes her about the waist and throws her out through the hole GRANITE made in the ceiling! Oh noes!
WRAITH
Whoa! What the hell?!
They spin around.
DAGGER MAN has arrived! Now with extra arms!
FINESSE
Oh, what.
DAGGER MAN
Scribblers! Prepare to meet your doo-!
WRAITH
You kept the garlic crusher??! Dude!!
DAGGER MAN
Shut up!
CUT TO:
18. EXT. DINAS THEATRE. Night 3 - 1935
CLOUDBURST and WEATHERMAN are still fighting, both physically and throwing weather effects at each other - Cloudburst's are planned; Weatherman's are random.
CLOUDBURST
Are you even trying to get this right, you massive hipster?!
WEATHERMAN
Hey! I'm really accurate!
CLOUDBURST
At rain, and half the time! And - what...?
They both look up as a shadow falls over them.
KAYLEIGH (distantly)
Shit! Shit shit shit Cloudburst are you there?! Catch me!
WEATHERMAN
Oh I say! That young lady!
CLOUDBURST
Quick!
A gust of wind slows her decent to the floor, while a sudden burst of snow settles on her.
WEATHERMAN (mutters)
Sorry, that was supposed to be wind...
KAYLEIGH
Well, cheers. Are you a supervillain?
CLOUDBURST
Yes, he is.
KAYLEIGH
Oh, well then.
She throws a handful of seeds, and Cloudburst provides them with sun and rain. They grow super-fast, and surround Weatherman. Cloudburst produces a thick fog, which blinds him, and Kayleigh knocks him out with a trowl.
KAYLEIGH
Go team! Yeah, I hate fog now.
CUT TO:
19. INT. THEATRE - BAR. Night 3 - 1940
LYRIC and SHIFT are fighting the RAINBOW SOLDIERS - seven soldiers in glorious technicolour. Red, yellow, blue and violet are female, orange, green and indigo are male. This line brought to you by the Official Scribblers' Handbook.
LYRIC
I might save the purple one until last.
SHIFT
Because you like the colour?
LYRIC
Because she reminds me of the Vetacore.
ORANGE SOLDIER
We will win this war!
SHIFT
I hate the Rainbow Warriors.
YELLOW SOLDIER
We are the Rainbow Soldiers!
BLUE SOLDIER
The Rainbow Warriors are very different.
In the background, other soldiers are being attacked by GOAT, DOG and RAVEN.
LYRIC
There are too many of them. I'll contact Chronal.
CUT TO:
20. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1942
One OCTOGENARIAN is left. Fighting CHRONAL hand-to-hand while THE AUDITOR reloads his staple gun.
CHRONAL
Got a message from Lyric.
AUDITOR
Sexy message?
CHRONAL
Nah. Well, ish.
The Auditor shoots a rubber band at the Octogenarian, who says "ow!".
OCTOGENARIAN
Ow!
Told you.
CHRONAL
Lyric needs my help - are you good?
AUDITOR
Absolutely.
CUT TO:
21. INT. THEATRE - LIGHT AND SOUND BOX. Night 3 - 1943
FINESSE and WRAITH are fighting DAGGER MAN.
DAGGER MAN
You underestimate me!
FINESSE
I really don't think we do.
DAGGER MAN
Remember - I am the one who stabbed your husband's hand.
WRAITH
Did he? I don't remember that.
FINESSE
You're also the one whose own suit tried to kill him.
DAGGER MAN
It's been upgraded now!
One of the arm squirts oil on Finesse's costume.
FINESSE
That upgrade is messy and useless.
DAGGER MAN (sulkily)
You're more likely to slip now.
FINESSE
Can you finish off here, Wraith?
WRAITH
Oh, I thought we were finished.
DAGGER MAN
That hurts.
WRAITH
Have you got a dagger arm now?
DAGGER MAN
... no.
WRAITH
You really need a new name. And life.
FINESSE
Good one. See you!
Finesse leaves. Dagger Man looks sad.
CUT TO:
22. INT. THEATRE - STAGE. Night 3 - 1945
One ACTOR on stage, acting being on the phone.
ACTOR
No, there's only one tram.
(beat)
If there's two trams, it's the same tram twice.
(beat)
It can travel through time.
(beat)
No, we don't have a time-travelling bike. That would be scientifically impossible!
AMALGAM, AMITY and THE CRITIC in the audience.
AMALGAM (to Amity)
Thanks for including that line.
AMITY
That one's for you.
AMALGAM
It would be scientifically impossible.
AMITY
Yes, yes.
CRITIC
I'm finding it hard to pick holes in this plot. I'll keep trying.
CUT TO:
23. INT. THEATRE - BAR. Night 3 - 1946
BEAR-SHIFT has defeated RED SOLDIER and VIOLET SOLDIER. LYRIC is fighting ORANGE SOLDIER and BLUE SOLDIER, sword-on-gun. GOAT has defeated YELLOW SOLDIER. DOG and RAVEN have teamed up to take down INDIGO SOLDIER. Which leaves ...
CHRONAL
GREEN SOLDIER!
CHRONAL has arrived, and attacks GREEN SOLDIER. SHIFT is now human again.
CHRONAL
You don't deserve that outfit!
LYRIC
Oh, God. It's you.
CHRONAL
Yes. And you can sarcasm all you like, but you called me.
SHIFT
Sounding a bit like a sitcom relationship, guys.
CHRONAL
Bromance!
LYRIC
No.
Chronal has defeated Green Soldier.
SHIFT
Oh, I've got a message from Finesse. Just after we've won. What a big convenient.
CUT TO:
24. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1947
FINESSE and AUDITOR are facing off against a CREEPY CLOWN.
CREEPY CLOWN (creepily)
Hee hee hee! We meet again!
AUDITOR
So you know this guy?
FINESSE
Actually... we've fought a lot of clown themed villains. I lose track.
CREEPY CLOWN
What?!
FINESSE
I'm actually not that good with faces. And yours is painted.
The Clown throws a water balloon at them, and Finesse and Auditor scatter. It hits against the wall, which promptly dissolves.
AUDITOR
The structural damage is really mounting up, here. Someone is not going to like their bill.
SHIFT arrives.
SHIFT
Hey, guys - urgh. Creepy clown.
CREEPY CLOWN
Hee hee! You remember me!
SHIFT
What? No, sorry, that was just a discriptive observation. Have we met?
Creepy Clown screams (creepily). He throws his acid balloons at Shift, who turns into a swallow, dodges through them, flies above him and turns into a tiger, which promptly crushes him. She becomes an adder, bites him and thereby doesn't kill him, but makes him quite ill.
CUT TO:
25. INT. THEATRE - LIGHT AND SOUND BOX. Night 3 - 1948
WRAITH and TWO TECHNICIANS are just finishing righting the box again, and resuming service in time for the dramatic special-effects-heavy section of the play.
TECHNICIAN#1
Okay, ready? Light and sound have to be perfect now, ready?
TECHNICIAN#2
Yep. Let's go!
They begin -
- a snatch of Tomorrow Never Knows by the Beatles plays, as Wraith grumpily covers his ears -
- and a blare of sound suddenly floods the box, knocking over both technicians, as a woman in a musical stave-themed costume drops in -
LOUD
Well hello, Scribbler.
WRAITH
No! Not now, you nagger!
CUT TO:
26. INT. THEATRE - STAGE. Night 3 - 1948
The action and emotional drama are in full swing -
And the lights go out!
CRITIC
The lights have gone out. It may be a clever theatrical ploy, but if it persists I shall deem it a tawdry gimmick.
AMITY (under her breath)
What's going on?
(beat)
Animalgaman? You're alarmed and nervous.
AMALGAM (morosely)
I wish the others were here.
The lights come back on!
CRITIC
Hmm. Perhaps I'll consider it a clever ploy. I'll try not to.
AMITY
Phew.
CUT TO:
27. INT. THEATRE - LIGHT AND SOUND BOX. Night 3 - 1948
The two TECHNICIANS are, by now, fully unconscious on the floor. The equipment, both light and sound is all ruined. WRAITH and LOUD are fighting, a slappy-hands fight with the odd loud sound or bright light thrown in. Simultaneously, Wraith is making the lighting go on stage, while trying to read the directions clutched in one hand.
LOUD
So, Scribbler! Would you like to hear my plans for world domination?
WRAITH
Nnn... no...
ACTOR#2 (from onstage)
No! The rails, they're moving through a different continuity!
WRAITH
Red light, then white -
LOUD
I'm going to conquer the world and make it compulsory to wear purple and invest in koala-based charities!
WRAITH
Go away, go away...
CUT TO:
28. EXT. DINAS THEATRE. Night 3 - 1949
CLOUDBURST and KAYLEIGH are drinking cocktails of their own making and comparing Doctor Martens boots.
KAYLEIGH
And these are about seven years old, now. The pain I went through breaking them in! Finesse and Chronal could probably tell you.
CLOUDBURST
Awesome! These are new. I got them off ebay.
KAYLEIGH
Hurting yet?
CLOUDBURST
Like a bitch, yep.
FINESSE arrives.
FINESSE
Hey guys. All fine?
KAYLEIGH
Look, we killed an emo weatherman!
FINESSE
Wow. I hope that was exaggeration.
CLOUDBURST
Think he's breathing. Could be wrong.
Suddenly, lightning strikes! They all leap to their feet, as a GIANT FACE looks down at them.
LIVING STATUE TO ZEUS
Scribblers! Meet Your Doom!
CLOUDBURST
Hey! I'm the one with the lightning!
FINESSE
Hello, Zeus. Still sitting, I see.
LIVING STATUE TO ZEUS
You Laugh At My Disability For Classical Reasons Of Nerdiness For The Last Time, Scribbler.
KAYLEIGH
Doubt that.
CUT TO:
29. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1950
SHIFT and AUDITOR are having a picnic behind the ACTORS waiting to go on.
AUDITOR
It's the alley next to the office I hate. It channels wind; you walk along there with an umbrella and you're at serious risk of becoming Mary Poppins.
SHIFT
Yes. There's nothing like a strong wind for making me break into songs about unhygenic medicine and correct bird nutrition prices.
Suddenly, METAL MAN bursts in! Noes! Shift and Auditor leap up.
METAL MAN
A ha! My nemesis!
SHIFT
I'm defined by considerably better than you, you know.
AUDITOR
It's true. You are.
SHIFT
That's why I keep you around.
METAL MAN
Argh! Dead-panned off-beat sentiment, my true nemesis!
He attacks, transforming into a battering ram -
-knocks over one of the Actors -
- who screams as he falls through a trap-door to below the stage.
CUT TO:
30. INT. THEATRE - STAGE. Night 3 - 1950
In the audience, AMITY and AMALGAM hear the scream, and exchange a look. They get up.
CRITIC
You're getting up. Maybe I can perceive this as a lack of confidence in your own work.
AMITY
Er, no, no - bathroom break, that's all.
CRITIC
Oh. I'll carry on trying to spot plot holes.
They head backstage.
CUT TO:
31. INT. THEATRE - BAR. Night 3 - 1951
LYRIC and CHRONAL are dragging the last of the RAINBOW SOLDIERS to the side, now neatly tied up. DOG, RAVEN and GOAT leave.
CHRONAL
Reckon they'll melt?
LYRIC
Only the orange, purple and green ones.
CHRONAL
Reckon they have different powers based on their colours?
LYRIC
Yes, in the style on Nintendo and the Green Lantern Corps and everything else ever.
CHRONAL
Reckon they have only one emotion each based on their colours?
LYRIC
I cannot begin to imagine what emotion the indigo one has that the blue one doesn't.
CHRONAL
Or the orange.
AMITY enters.
AMITY
Guys, quick, it's all going wrong!
CHRONAL
Oh no! It's okay, we can handle it. What do you need?
AMITY
Oh, you know -
She suddenly attacks! Chronal, taken by surprise, is knocked to the floor; Lyric springs forward and blocks her would-be ending blow.
AMITY
You can die.
LYRIC
Amity! What the hell?
CHRONAL
I'm so sorry! We've been trying to keep it all away from the play!
AMITY
Play? What do I care about a play?
CHRONAL
Oh no! She's gone mad with grief!
LYRIC
What's happened, Amity? What's wrong with you?
AMITY
Oh for goodness' sake. I'm not your friend.
She shimmers, and transforms -
Into PRONOUN!
CHRONAL
Ooohhhhhh...
LYRIC
Oh that explains it...
CHRONAL
I must say, that murder attempt makes rather more sense now. Also I'm not sorry anymore.
LYRIC
Right.
He mutters something. A hat appears on Pronoun's head, with a two-stars-and-a-wish motif. She pulls at it.
PRONOUN
Hey! Ow! It's stuck!
LYRIC
Captain A. I am Lyric's brilliant ploy.
CHRONAL
Hooray! Let's play 'Attack the Hat'!
LYRIC
Also let's call others.
CUT TO:
32. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1954
METAL MAN's face is covered in staples. THE AUDITOR shoots him with rubber bands. Shift is a REINDEER. Seasonal. Smiley face. Lol.
METAL MAN
Auditor is a good name.
AUDITOR
See, I wanted to be called El Gringo Mysterioso.
METAL MAN
I'd have been Mineral, I think.
AMITY and AMALGAM arrive, with the ANIMALS.
AMITY
Metal Man? You are ruining my play.
METAL MAN
Yeah? Well you're my nemesis's friend. And any friend of my nemesis is an enemy of my friend of ... I got lost.
Goat bites him.
METAL MAN
Ow! I wasn't metal yet.
SHIFT
Can you two take care of this guy?
AMALGAM
Sounds like fun. Animals versus minerals.
METAL MAN
Well, you know, that was sort-of the idea ...
SHIFT
Then we'll head for the bar.
Shift and Auditor leave.
METAL MAN
Okay! Let's do it!
Amity gives him a withering look.
METAL MAN
I feel sad.
CUT TO:
33. INT. THEATRE - SOUND AND LIGHT BOOTH. Night 3 - 1957
WRAITH and LOUD are fighting. Wraith is barefoot - his socks are in his ears, and his floating shoes are on his hands. His hands are held up, and the shoes keep Loud away from him.
LOUD
The noise will beat you! Noise noise noise.
WRAITH
Your banter is lost on me because I can't hear you.
Loud lashes out -
Wraith deflects -
And darts his eyes towards the stage.
LOUD
What are you doing?
She leaps, and knocks a sock from Wraith's ear.
LOUD
What are you doing?
WRAITH
Doing the lights! You knocked out our techies, idiot.
LOUD
But ... wait, you had two technicians for the lights?
WRAITH
The other guy did sound.
LOUD
Sound ...
She sits in one of the technicians' seats.
LOUD
Forget the fight. This is a proper challenge.
WRAITH
Baps.
CUT TO:
34. EXT. DINAS THEATRE. Night 3 - 1958
The LIVING STATUE TO ZEUS is covered in plants and snow. CLOUDBURST, KAYLEIGH and FINESSE look proud.
KAYLEIGH
I hate that statue.
FINESSE
Satute's good. Should be ivory, though. I tell him every time.
LIVING STATUE TO ZEUS
And Every Time I Weep.
CLOUDBURST
Proper emo, mind.
CUT TO:
35. INT. THEATRE - BAR. Night 3 - 1958
LYRIC, CHRONAL, SHIFT and AUDITOR are fighting SOLAR-plus-hat.
SOLAR
You're being mean to me!
SHIFT
Yeah, why are we attacking Solar?
CHRONAL
Hard to tell. But it's important we attack whoever's in the hat.
AUDITOR
Oh, maybe she's a shapeshifter?
Solar transforms into CLOUDBURST.
CLOUDBURST
Stop it, Lyric!
LYRIC
Oh, God, sorry.
CHRONAL
No no no no no! Keep fighting!
CLOUDBURST
But it stings!
SHIFT
Fight the hat. Doesn't matter who wears it - fight them.
Cloudburst becomes FINESSE.
FINESSE
Shift! Save me.
FINESSE (OOV)
Oh, you really never learn, do you?
The real CLOUDBURST, FINESSE and KAYLEIGH have arrived.
Hat-Finesse is transformed into THE CRITIC.
CRITIC
What the?
Chronal attacks him.
CHRONAL
That's for your unfavourable review of my superhero monologue!
CUT TO:
36. INT. THEATRE - BACKSTAGE. Night 3 - 1959
AMITY and AMALGAM have METAL MAN strapped to a table.
AMALGAM
Right, I think that's everyone.
AMITY
Message from Finesse. No more villains on their way - Super Skeleton and the Teacher have secured the immediate area.
AMALGAM
That's it, then, surely?
AMITY
But Metal Man knocked out one of our actors! We need a replacement - who do we know who has stage experience, is devilishly handsome, can do a convincing Welsh accent, and can learn the lines in four minutes?
CUT TO:
37. INT. THEATRE - STAGE. Night 3 - 2030
CHRONAL on stage.
CHRONAL
The tram's gone where it's truly needed. A third-world orphanage.
THE CRITIC is crying.
CRITIC
It is the most beautiful play I have ever seen. I give it five stars out of three.
CUT TO:
38. INT. THE PIT. Night 3 - 2200
Everyone eating Christmas dinner! AMITY, CHRONAL, FINESSE, LYRIC, SHIFT, WRAITH, PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH, AMALGAM, CLOUDBURST, THE AUDITOR.
AMITY
And it's going to be in Meta Today, and the Guardian, and even the Times reporter grudgingly agreed to print it in spite of its favourable portrayals of five different oppressed demographics.
AMALGAM
Amazing! I'm so happy!
FINESSE
So happy you've mixed yourself up again. Human in chair, dog on floor, remember?
AMALGAM
Oh yeah.
He swaps.
AMALGAM
Also I got you socks!
AMITY
Hooray! You're so thought- wait, those aren't new. They're mine.
AMALGAM
Yes!
KAYLEIGH
Is it wrong that I still feel we should be attacking Lyric's hat?
LYRIC
Yes. This is my new hat.
CHRONAL
No attacking Lyric's new hat!
WRAITH
But we can attack Lyric? Ha!
SHIFT
It's funny, because really we would attack Wraith. Because we don't like him. Because he's a disgustoid. Whereas Lyric is a better person, with far more to recommend him.
WRAITH
Baps.
AUDITOR
Hey, did you get Loud's number, by the way? You seemed well-matched.
WRAITH
Nah. She was mental. She was talking about purple koalas.
CLOUDBURST
Isn't your actual girlfriend an internationally wanted amoral collector of powerful artefacts?
WRAITH
Well...
FINESSE
She is mental, Wraith. Be fair.
WRAITH
She wants her ruby back, btw.
FINESSE
She can earn it, fyi.
WRAITH
Lolz.
LYRIC
Anyway, guys; a toast! To Amity's play, and to Christmas!
EVERYONE
(not together; messily)
Merry Christmas, everyone!
FINESSE
Yeah, that really doesn't work, does it?
THE END
