Steffan and
Elanor present ...
The Inspector Calls
INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.
Night.
It’s the night before Christmas!
And all through the Pit,
The heroes are chatting,
And so full of wit.
BOILING
POINT
The
Christmas tree’s a bit wonky.
FINESSE
So’s your
face.
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
So’s your
mam.
CHRONAL
No, she’s
right, it’s really not straight.
FINESSE
So’s –
CHRONAL
Stop!
The tree was all covered
With tinsel and wasp
(Despite Amity’s efforts,
it hadn’t been lost.)
AMALGAM
It’s just
not Christmas without the good old Christmas wasp.
AMITY
Apparently
not.
FAUST
Merry
Waspmas!
BOILING
POINT
I’d prefer
it if that didn’t catch on, actually.
The fairly lights twinkled
In red, green and yellow.
The radio played Havana
By Camila Cabello.
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
I’ve got gin
here if anyone wants some.
FAUST
Why’s it in
a My Little Pony bag?
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
Because I’m
a grown-up.
The stockings were hung
By the fire alarm –
In case of a fire,
They’d come to no harm.
REVERIE
I can’t wait
for presents.
SHIFT
I hope
people like mine.
FINESSE
As long as
it’s not a repeat of the year you became a cat to find “presents”, I think we’re
good.
SHIFT
In my defence, everyone loved them.
AMITY
Everyone did not.
The phones were to hand,
In case there was need
For Weathervane’s updates
To her Twitter feed.
WEATHERVANE
(typing)
“Hyped for
Christmas – even though unsustainable food practices will currently end the
world.”
REVERIE
I’m not sure
I’ll keep following you if all your updates are going to be this bleak.
WEATHERVANE
Um, okay
... Let me think.
(beat)
“At least
the world won’t be ended by zombies.
Hash – tag – for – now – at – least.”
REVERIE
I suppose
that’s better.
But outside the room
They all heard a clatter
So Shift and the Prof
Went to check on the matter.
SHIFT
This had
better not be charity collectors.
PROFESSOR
KAYLEIGH
They do
important work, Shift! Probably.
SHIFT
I know, but
the only ones who ever come here are fundraisers for reformed supervillains.
AMITY
Could be
worse.
SHIFT
But they’re
not reformed! It’s just Admiral Zap’s
latest attempt to raise enough money for a big yellow van.
AMITY
I hate
Admiral Zap.
AMALGAM
Is she the
one who zaps people?
BOILING
POINT
Yes! How did you guess?
AMITY
I hate
her. She was mean about my rats.
REVERIE
She also blew
up a bank.
AMITY
Oh,
yeah. I suppose that was quite bad too.
Shift and Professor,
They opened the door,
And in walked a copper
Who’s noir to the core.
ZIMBARDO
Scribblers.
FINESSE
Zimbardo.
ZIMBARDO
There’s a
murder mystery afoot.
REVERIE
That sounds
like fun! Can I do a video about it?
ZIMBARDO
No. Someone has killed the Spirit of Christmas.
CHRONAL
Oh, cool,
and it’s our job to bring it back by having the best Christmas ever?
ZIMBARDO
No. The Spirit of Christmas was a supervillain,
and she’s been actual murdered.
CHRONAL
Urgh. Okay, sorry for being insensitive.
REVERIE
.... so no
video ...?
ZIMBARDO
The fact is,
she’s dead, and all of you have a motive for killing her.
FINESSE
That can’t
be right!
FLASHBACK:
EXT. CHRISTMAS TREE PLANTATION. Day
The plantation is aflame.
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
Now that
these ridiculous trees are gone, people will be forced to engage with the True
Meaning of Christmas.
FINESSE
What the
FUCK is this?!
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
Ah, leader
of the Scribblers! Behold my work, and –
Finesse punches her in the face.
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
What the
- You can’t just punch me!
FINESSE
Well, I just
did, so ...
Finesse punches her again.
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
You’re meant
to use people’s powers against them!
FINESSE
You don’t
have powers.
Finesse punches her again.
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
I am the True
Spirit of Christmas!
FINESSE
Not one word
of that is true.
Finesse knocks her out.
CUT TO:
INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.
Night (cont)
ZIMBARDO
You hated
her for killing all those trees. So you
MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE taken her life in return.
REVERIE
Did she?
ZIMBARDO
I will sit
on that information for now.
REVERIE
Odd choice.
ZIMBARDO
But you,
Reverie!
FLASHBACK:
INT. TRENDY PUB.
Night
Spirit of Christmas is drinking a
Christmassy cocktail. Reverie enters.
REVERIE
Hey. So.
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
What do you
want?
REVERIE
I’ve been
getting abusive comments on my videos for the last year. I’ve just found out they were posted by you.
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
You do not
observe the true meaning of Christmas.
REVERIE
Most of
those videos weren’t posted at Christmas!
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
Exactly.
CUT TO:
INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.
Night (cont)
BOILING
POINT
That seems
like a very flimsy motive.
FAUST
A flotive,
if you will.
ZIMBARDO
Ah, yes, Optiman.
AMITY
Hey! Only I call him that.
FINESSE
And I don’t
approve.
ZIMBARDO
Faust. You met the Spirit of Christmas at the Dinas
Marathon, didn’t you?
FLASHBACK:
EXT. LAKESIDE ROAD. Day
A marathon,
full of runners – some in fancy dress, most in running gear. Faust runs alongside the Spirit of Christmas.
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
I’m going to
beat you! BEAT you, get it? Like the beat of a drum. And we’re running.
FAUST
What are you
talking about?
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
I’m going to
run all the way to the finish line.
RUN! Like, running.
FAUST
I can optimise
my body for whatever purpose I need. You
won’t win.
CUT TO:
INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.
Night (cont)
ZIMBARDO
And that is
why you’re a suspect.
FAUST
But I DID
win!
ZIMBARDO
Yes. But everyone knows you can’t stand people who
use puns wrong.
FAUST
... oh my
god those were puns.
AMITY
Look, the
Spirit of Christmas was a supervillain.
If she’s been killed, it was probably by another supervillain.
ZIMBARDO
Oh, really,
Amity? So you’re saying it was nothing
to do with your encounter ...
FLASHBACK:
EXT. DINAS IMMIGRATION REMOVAL CENTRE. Day
The Spirit of Christmas is running amok, with
an army of hired goons.
AMITY
What do you
think you’re doing?
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
Refugees
need to learn about the true spirit of Christmas if they’re going to stay in
this country!
AMITY
Oh my God.
(beat)
Just to
clarify, what is the true meaning of Christmas in your opinion?
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
The
celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, of course.
AMITY
Oh, that
guy. Son of two immigrants. That one, yeah?
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
You heathen!
AMITY
I’ll take
that. Although I was briefly a pagan
when I was 15.
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
Even I was a
pagan when I was 15.
CUT TO:
INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.
Night (cont)
AMALGAM
Amity would
never kill over religious differences.
WEATHERVANE
Or for any
other reason.
AMALGAM
Oh, yes,
good point. I should have said that.
ZIMBARDO
Maybe you’re
right, Amalgam. But you have a serious
motive too.
FLASHBACK:
INT. BIG POSH CHURCH. Day
A traditional nativity play, on a big
budget, with shepherds and kings, a full stable complete with barnyard animals.
Including a goat, and a dog, raven and octopus dressed up as a camel.
JOSEPH
(clearly Amalgam – against his will)
There was no
room in the inn. No room in any of these
places!
MARY
(clearly the Spirit of Christmas in disguise)
What about
the place we passed on the way?
JOSEPH
We’re better
off in this stable. Their trip advisor
reviews were awful.
GOAT
Meeeeeh.
KING DAVE
We have
brought gold for the little baby.
SHEPHERD
Dammit, King
Dave! You said we could go first. Our bale of hay’s going to look like such a
shit present compared with yours.
KING STEVE
We have also
brought frankincense, a lovely resin, for the little baby.
SHEPHERD
... oh,
actually, I think we’re good.
GOAT
Meh-meh.
CUT TO:
INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.
Night (cont)
AMALGAM
I was forced to perform that play for such a long time, touring the
country.
CHRONAL
How long?
AMALGAM
Six weeks, man and goat.
PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
No court would convict.
ZIMBARDO
What the - YES THEY WOULD! If Amalgam killed the Spirit of Christmas, he
would go to prison.
PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
O na! Panic.
ZIMBARDO
And as for you, Professor ...
FLASHBACK:
INT. DINAS BANK. Night
The Spirit of Christmas is
wearing a variant on her normal costume – black and white pinstripe, with three
studded belts, a bunch of bracelets, a full pencil’s worth of eye-liner, and
the choppiest haircut of all time.
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
I am here to destroy capitalism.
Please give me a hundred billion pounds.
PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
Oh no you don’t!
Vines burst from the floor –
Wrapping themselves around the
Spirit of Christmas –
Until she’s completely trapped.
PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
This is what you get for committing the worst crime of all.
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Robbing a bank isn’t the worst crime!
PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
I’m talking about your fashion,
you emo.
CUT TO:
INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.
Night (cont)
PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
Look, I don’t hurt emos. They
hurt themselves.
ZIMBARDO
Nonetheless, you are still a suspect in this investigation. All of you are.
CHRONAL
Except me! I never met her.
ZIMBARDO
Ah, but you did.
FLASHBACK:
INT. DINAS COUNCIL
CHAMBER. Day
The council is in session. In the back of the room, a number of local
journalists are assembled.
Two councillors are talking – HELEN
EVANS, for the Genuinely Socialist Party, and HOLLY BUSH, for the Social
Preservation Party.
HELEN
We’ve put everything in the plan, but our thinking is, if we take the
hit and increase minimum wage in Dinas, we’ll attract a good workforce, and it’ll
put pressure on the government to increase their own.
HOLLY
But Ms Evans. That would be
very expensive. And really, we ought to
be spending that money fighting same-sex marriage.
JOURNALIST
What is WRONG with you?
CUT TO:
INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.
Night (cont)
ZIMBARDO
That journalist was YOU, Chronal.
CHRONAL
You can’t prove that.
ZIMBARDO
You tore up her manifesto. We’ve
got your fingerprints.
CHRONAL
I’m sure lots of people who tear up manifestos have the same
fingerprints.
AMALGAM
Afraid not.
CHRONAL
Damn. Okay, fine. But I didn’t even know she was the Spirit of
Christmas!
ZIMBARDO
I don’t believe you. Everyone
knows the Spirit of Christmas uses Christmassy aliases. Holly Bush.
Ivy Tree. Mariah Carey.
FAUST
So she CAN do puns properly. Or even at all. Are you sure that’s what
she was trying with me?
ZIMBARDO
And now we move on to Shift.
SHIFT
Wasn’t me.
ZIMBARDO
Or was it?
FLASHBACK:
INT. LIVING ROOM. Day
The Spirit of Christmas enters
her enormous posh living room, carrying a big sack. Her husband, Humphrey, is busy with his
collection of pressed butterflies.
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
This will be the best Christmas ever, Humphrey.
HUMPHREY
Oh, good news, my darling! As
long as we observe the true meaning of the season, eh what?
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Indeed. Behold! The Christmas turkey!
She upends the sack –
And out comes Shift.
SHIFT
That’s quite rude.
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Where’s my Christmas turkey?!
SHIFT
No harm done. I understand that
it’s a risky time of year to transform into a turkey. I just enjoy it too much.
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Get out, Scribbler! And I wish
you an un-merry Christmas.
CUT TO:
INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.
Night (cont)
SHIFT
That wasn’t really motive for murder, though.
ZIMBARDO
No. But later, the Spirit of
Christmas found that a file of hers had been stolen. So you knew that her party intended to cut the
funding for accessible theatres, to allow tax cuts for the rich.
SHIFT
No comment.
CHRONAL
Nice one, Shift.
Shift and Chronal high-five.
ZIMBARDO
And as for you, Weathervane ...
FLASHBACK:
EXT. RED CARPET EVENT. Night
Various actors meeting and
greeting the press and fans. The Spirit
of Christmas is wearing a red-carpet-dress version of her costume.
Suddenly, she spots Weathervane,
and marches over.
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
You! Nobody is coming to see my
film thanks to your review.
WEATHERVANE
Your film was awful. It made no
sense on any level. In a BAD way.
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
It was about the true meaning of Christmas.
WEATHERVANE
Wow, was it? That didn’t come
across at all.
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
How dare you.
CUT TO:
INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.
Night (cont)
ZIMBARDO
Maybe it wasn’t enough that you killed her career. Maybe you wanted to make sure she’d never make a film again.
Maybe it wasn’t enough that you killed her career. Maybe you wanted to make sure she’d never make a film again.
WEATHERVANE
There’s a long list of people I’d kill first to stop bad films.
BOILING POINT
I’m a bit worried you’re actually considering that.
ZIMBARDO
And you, Boiling Point.
FLASHBACK:
EXT. DINAS HIGH STREET. Night
Boiling Point is cycling
along. She arrives at a traffic jam, everyone
tooting their horns.
Turns out they’re being held up
by a crashed Santa sleigh.
The Spirit of Christmas stands
victorious.
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Behold! The god of
commercialisation, taken down by the true meaning of Christmas.
BOILING POINT
What, a harpoon gun?
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
It’s a metaphor for unconditional love, actually.
BOILING POINT
It’s a metaphor for a harpoon gun.
Boiling Point becomes a monster
and attacks the Spirit of Christmas.
CUT TO:
INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.
Night (cont)
BOILING POINT
You’re saying I killed her because she attacked a Santa?
ZIMBARDO
No, I’m saying your motive is that she was inconsiderate of other
drivers.
BOILING POINT
Oh, okay, I can respect that.
FINESSE
I’m bored of this.
CHRONAL
Me too. Anyway, I watch crime shows. It’s the husband.
SHIFT
Ooh! Solved. You’re welcome.
ZIMBARDO
It’s not the husband. He’s been polishing their bank vault on the
Cayman Islands for the last fortnight.
AMITY
...of course he has.
REVERIE
So, I hate to start asking for gory details, but is she
definitely dead?
WEATHERVANE
Ooh, plot twist! Albeit derivative.
AMALGAM
Yes, that is a good point. How did she die?
ZIMBARDO
Her body was found in a prison cell on Gaolhouse Rock.
BOILING POINT
What, she died in prison?!
FAUST
No, she wasn’t serving time, was she? I thought she was
on the loose?
ZIMBARDO
She was. But her body was found in a locked cell.
PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
And she died of...?
ZIMBARDO
Poisoned celery.
CHRONAL
She – wait, what?
ZIMBARDO
Poisoned celery. It wasn’t celery at all. It was...
(beat)
Hemlock!!!
Everyone looks at
Finesse.
FINESSE
This is tedious. Yes it was me.
AMITY
Oh my god!!
WEATHERVANE
Finesse!!
CHRONAL
I’m in favour. I’ll call Lawyer Girl.
ZIMBARDO
Very well. If you’ll come with me, Finesse –
FINESSE
Oh, calm down, she’s not dead.
SHIFT
I saw that coming.
ZIMBARDO
I assure you, she is deceased.
FINESSE
Oh, is she fuck. Her powers resurrect her three days
later. She’s literally fine.
CUT TO:
INT. GAOLHOUSE ROCK. Night
A secure cell. SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS (middle
aged, unbearably posh, over-privileged) is laid out on a slab, dead.
OR IS SHE
Suddenly, she sits up, gasping.
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
A-HA! Bet
you didn’t see this coming, Scribbler! Now I’ll –
She pauses, and realises she’s in a prison
cell.
SPIRIT OF
CHRISTMAS
Oh, fuck
everything.
CUT TO:
INT. SCRIBBLE PIT.
Night (cont)
PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
This is not a criticism, but is that not a harsh way of
arresting someone?
FINESSE
She burned the trees, Kayleigh.
PROFESSOR KAYLEIGH
Duw duw. She’s lucky she has a face.
ZIMBARDO
Well, it’s not orthodox. But I’m
happy the case has been solved. I will
bid you farewell.
And I heard him exclaim
‘Ere he left out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all,
And to all a good night.”
THE END
